Today...

[Tesset]

No. Nor have I had any real romantic relationships.

 

So does that mean you guys just have like zero sex drive? You never masturbate or anything?

You might want to read the FAQ yourself. But, no, asexual doesn't mean no masturbation inherently. Masturbation is different from sex, I think that's something you'd agree with. So whether you do so or not makes no difference in whether you're ace or not. Ace people might not masturbate, or they might just do so less than most people, or they might do it all the time.

 

Ace is no desire for sex with any other person, no matter their gender.

[Low Levelled]

So I guess the question in my head is.. Why not try? What's the worst case scenario? I mean be it men/women or whatever.

[obfuscator]

If some asexual people masturbate, what do they think about/watch while doing so?

[Alg]

So I guess the question in my head is.. Why not try? What's the worst case scenario? I mean be it men/women or whatever.

It kind of assumes that people who aren't interested in sex or relationships just don't know themselves, really.

 

Eh, as an ace person, there's no real reason to have the label other than just for the sake of it. Honestly, I don't need a label to describe myself to other people. All my really close friends know I'm asexual and know what that means in the context of me, but it's not like asexual is something you can judge someone for. For other people, it really only matters if you're actively in a relationship with that other person, and you need to come to some middle ground of sexuality.

I'm starting to think that the whole point of labels is that, even if there's no real reason to have one, there's a sense of affirmation in it: knowing that there are other people who behave in much the same way can show that you're normal and healthy even when the rest of society is bombarding you with the idea that being different is the worst thing you can do.

 

At the very least, they make for a safe entry point into the (horrifyingly complex) world of sexuality and sexual identity. Something the world needs more of, considering how much misinformation there is.

[muggiwhplar]

If some asexual people masturbate, what do they think about/watch while doing so?

 

That's exactly what I was wondering.

[Tesset]

So I guess the question in my head is.. Why not try? What's the worst case scenario? I mean be it men/women or whatever.

For the same reason straight people don't need to try gay sex to prove they're not bi/pan. It doesn't work like that. No one has to "prove" their sexuality, especially when they're using that sexuality to be comfortable.

 

I was going to head this question off in one of my posts, but I decided not to because I figured it would be overly aggressive. Honestly though, this is a really shitty thing to say to someone. It sounds like you're saying "I don't believe you're ace (or gay, bi, pan, whatever), prove it." Which is awful, because there's already a lot of questioning that goes into realizing you're not straight. I'm not trying to make you feel bad about this, I just want you to realize that it's rude, so you don't say it to someone else without knowing.

 

 

If some asexual people masturbate, what do they think about/watch while doing so?

 

That's exactly what I was wondering.

 

I think you'll find that just like non-ace people think about and watch a wide variety of things while they masturbate, so do asexuals. I don't really have a better answer than that, I'm not much into the habit of asking about other people's masturbation habits, because that's gross as [bleep].

[muggiwhplar]

 

 

If some asexual people masturbate, what do they think about/watch while doing so?

 

That's exactly what I was wondering.

 

I think you'll find that just like non-ace people think about and watch a wide variety of things while they masturbate, so do asexuals. I don't really have a better answer than that, I'm not much into the habit of asking about other people's masturbation habits, because that's gross as [bleep].

 

 

That seems like a paradox lol

[Alg]

That seems like a paradox lol

The FAQ answers it.

[Low Levelled]

Not asking for proof, just trying to wrap my head around something I have no experience with. I don't have many friends circa age 20 that haven't been with either a man or woman intimately/romantically. Tbh I can't fathom being your position.

[obfuscator]

 

That seems like a paradox lol

The FAQ answers it.

 

That seems like a fairly weak explanation - kind of like saying "I don't want to actually win the lottery, I just want to imagine doing so". Fantasies are almost always based on a desired reality, not just fantasizing for the sake of fantasizing.

 

It also is interesting that most of the asexual people I've come across have never experienced any kind of close sexual or otherwise romantic relationship. I wonder if to a certain extent there's a feeling of "well, since it hasn't happened for me, I guess I just don't want it". I also wonder if there are many asexuals who have been in healthy, fulfilling, sexual or romantic relationships who have become asexual afterwards?

[Estonian dude]

Yesterday, I either was a victim of a seriously sick joke or I have something pretty... interesting to say the least, waiting for me when I go back to Estonia in about a week.

 

But if it isn't a sick joke, I have no [bleep]ing idea how to react. You guys will hear from me soon, either here or in the relationship thread.

[stevepole]

I feel that if an asexual need visual imagery to stimulate himself, or even simply having the desire to masturbate, shows a sign of sexual attraction. It makes no sense how a person can have a sexual desire, yet lack sexual attraction. 

[Alg]

One of those old-timey breakdown posts. I can't compete with Tylerelyt in terms of being thorough and informative, so I'll just splice in FAQ quotes.

That seems like a fairly weak explanation - kind of like saying "I don't want to actually win the lottery, I just want to imagine doing so". Fantasies are almost always based on a desired reality, not just fantasizing for the sake of fantasizing.

I'm trying to think of some long and detailed explanation for this, the best I can come up with is "but it happens". There are gray areas (lots and lots of gray areas), and for some people, that's it. Not everyone's going to have the same interest, for lack of a better term. 

 

"Many people who experience sexual arousal still identify as asexual. They just dont feel the need to share their sexuality with someone else."

It also is interesting that most of the asexual people I've come across have never experienced any kind of close sexual or otherwise romantic relationship. I wonder if to a certain extent there's a feeling of "well, since it hasn't happened for me, I guess I just don't want it".

Alternatively, if you don't have any interest in a sexual or romantic relationship (two separate things, really. You can want one without the other), you're probably not going to pursue one.

 

Again, though, it sort of falls into the trap of "You're not asexual, you just haven't found what you like", if it's not outright asserting that you know the person better than they know themselves.

I also wonder if there are many asexuals who have been in healthy, fulfilling, sexual or romantic relationships who have become asexual afterwards?

Are you sure you're not confusing asexuality with celibacy?

 

From the FAQ (Seriously, it's spot on for so many things)

 

Asexuality and sexuality are not necessarily black and white. There is a spectrum of sexuality, with sexual and asexual as the endpoints and a gray area in-between. Many people identify in this gray area under the identity of "gray-asexual," or "gray-a." Examples of gray-asexuality include an individual who does not normally experience sexual attraction but does experience it sometimes; experiences sexual attraction but has a low sex drive; experiences sexual attraction and drive but not strongly enough to want to act on them; and/or can enjoy and desire sex but only under very limited and specific circumstances. Even more, many gray-asexuals still identify as asexual because they may find it easier to explain, especially if the few instances in which they felt sexual attraction were brief and fleeting.

Furthermore, an asexual person can want or choose to engage in sex for several reasons. Some asexual people in relationships might choose or even want to have sex with their partner as a way of showing affection, and they might even enjoy it. Others may want to have sex in order to have children, or to satisfy a curiosity, or for other reasons.

It is also important to keep in mind that sexuality can be fluid. Sexual inclination and identity may, but does not always, change over a period of time. In the end, privately or publicly identifying as asexual or sexual is your choice. No one can force a label on you that you are not sure of or comfortable with yourself.

[Arceus]

It's 6pm local time and I haven't eaten today...I ate too much yesterday lol.

[obfuscator]

I'm trying to think of some long and detailed explanation for this, the best I can come up with is "but it happens". There are gray areas (lots and lots of gray areas), and for some people, that's it. Not everyone's going to have the same interest, for lack of a better term. 

 

"Many people who experience sexual arousal still identify as asexual. They just dont feel the need to share their sexuality with someone else."

Do they not feel a need? Or are they just scared to? Would they reject someone else who tried to start something with them? Would asexual people reject close friendship? Because a romantic relationship is essentially a close friendship with a sexual element.

Alternatively, if you don't have any interest in a sexual or romantic relationship (two separate things, really. You can want one without the other), you're probably not going to pursue one.

 

Again, though, it sort of falls into the trap of "You're not asexual, you just haven't found what you like"

What is interest in sexual or romantic relationships? Romantic relationships are either sexual relationships, or emotional relationships with a sexual element.

 

As we've already established, some asexuals do have sexual urges. Presumably asexuals have urges for personal relationships as well, even if they aren't sexual.

 

I have no idea what asexual people think, I'm not asexual. But the definitions I've seen so far strike me as somewhat logically inconsistent.

 

Are you sure you're not confusing asexuality with celibacy?

 

From the FAQ (Seriously, it's spot on for so many things)

Asexuality and sexuality are not necessarily black and white. There is a spectrum of sexuality, with sexual and asexual as the endpoints and a gray area in-between. Many people identify in this gray area under the identity of "gray-asexual," or "gray-a." Examples of gray-asexuality include an individual who does not normally experience sexual attraction but does experience it sometimes; experiences sexual attraction but has a low sex drive; experiences sexual attraction and drive but not strongly enough to want to act on them; and/or can enjoy and desire sex but only under very limited and specific circumstances. Even more, many gray-asexuals still identify as asexual because they may find it easier to explain, especially if the few instances in which they felt sexual attraction were brief and fleeting.

Furthermore, an asexual person can want or choose to engage in sex for several reasons. Some asexual people in relationships might choose or even want to have sex with their partner as a way of showing affection, and they might even enjoy it. Others may want to have sex in order to have children, or to satisfy a curiosity, or for other reasons.

It is also important to keep in mind that sexuality can be fluid. Sexual inclination and identity may, but does not always, change over a period of time. In the end, privately or publicly identifying as asexual or sexual is your choice. No one can force a label on you that you are not sure of or comfortable with yourself.

 

The FAQ seems kind of self-defeating: since sexuality is so fluid, why bother with a label at all?

 

As for the confusion: I don't think so. Celibacy is when someone has desire but chooses not to act on it. What I'm wondering is whether there are people who ended up in relationships, later to realize they didn't have any desire for sexual or romantic attraction...not necessarily people who made a conscious choice to control their impulses.

 

I apologize if I'm coming across as overly combative. I'm just trying to understand something that I have difficulty making sense of....

[muggiwhplar]

Sometimes I'd rather just cuddle with a girl than bang her. I'm wondering if that's what it's like to be an asexual? Feeling that way all the time instead of just occasionally?

 

Though I usually only feel that way right after sex when my sex drive has been depleted lol

[Alg]

If it's contradictory or inconsistent, it's because of how broad the term is. May as well be expecting a white guy from Texas to think and act the same way as a white woman from England, really. I've been trying to stress that: what is true for one person might not be true for another.

 

Since I've kind of botched the explaining part, I'm just going to let better writers take over. Here's a good one for an introduction. This one's kind of aggressive, but it gets the point across. If you need a third, this one does a good job of driving home certain points.

[Low Levelled]

Hmm. I'm struggling to comprehend 'aces.' Maybe it's above me.

[Tesset]

 

I'm trying to think of some long and detailed explanation for this, the best I can come up with is "but it happens". There are gray areas (lots and lots of gray areas), and for some people, that's it. Not everyone's going to have the same interest, for lack of a better term.

 

"Many people who experience sexual arousal still identify as asexual. They just dont feel the need to share their sexuality with someone else."

Do they not feel a need? Or are they just scared to? Would they reject someone else who tried to start something with them? Would asexual people reject close friendship? Because a romantic relationship is essentially a close friendship with a sexual element.

Alternatively, if you don't have any interest in a sexual or romantic relationship (two separate things, really. You can want one without the other), you're probably not going to pursue one.

 

Again, though, it sort of falls into the trap of "You're not asexual, you just haven't found what you like"

What is interest in sexual or romantic relationships? Romantic relationships are either sexual relationships, or emotional relationships with a sexual element.

 

As we've already established, some asexuals do have sexual urges. Presumably asexuals have urges for personal relationships as well, even if they aren't sexual.

 

I have no idea what asexual people think, I'm not asexual. But the definitions I've seen so far strike me as somewhat logically inconsistent.

 

Are you sure you're not confusing asexuality with celibacy?

 

From the FAQ (Seriously, it's spot on for so many things)

Asexuality and sexuality are not necessarily black and white. There is a spectrum of sexuality, with sexual and asexual as the endpoints and a gray area in-between. Many people identify in this gray area under the identity of "gray-asexual," or "gray-a." Examples of gray-asexuality include an individual who does not normally experience sexual attraction but does experience it sometimes; experiences sexual attraction but has a low sex drive; experiences sexual attraction and drive but not strongly enough to want to act on them; and/or can enjoy and desire sex but only under very limited and specific circumstances. Even more, many gray-asexuals still identify as asexual because they may find it easier to explain, especially if the few instances in which they felt sexual attraction were brief and fleeting.

Furthermore, an asexual person can want or choose to engage in sex for several reasons. Some asexual people in relationships might choose or even want to have sex with their partner as a way of showing affection, and they might even enjoy it. Others may want to have sex in order to have children, or to satisfy a curiosity, or for other reasons.

It is also important to keep in mind that sexuality can be fluid. Sexual inclination and identity may, but does not always, change over a period of time. In the end, privately or publicly identifying as asexual or sexual is your choice. No one can force a label on you that you are not sure of or comfortable with yourself.

The FAQ seems kind of self-defeating: since sexuality is so fluid, why bother with a label at all?

 

As for the confusion: I don't think so. Celibacy is when someone has desire but chooses not to act on it. What I'm wondering is whether there are people who ended up in relationships, later to realize they didn't have any desire for sexual or romantic attraction...not necessarily people who made a conscious choice to control their impulses.

 

I apologize if I'm coming across as overly combative. I'm just trying to understand something that I have difficulty making sense of....

Alright, here's the first thing you have to understand. Romantic relationship =/= close friendship + sex. This is a thought that I have never understood from allosexual people. There is so much more to a romantic relationship than sex and friendship. Friends with benefits are a thing, right? Those are sexual relationships, plus friendship, but without romance, and from what I understand of them (very little), these relationships actually fall to shit if either party starts developing romantic feelings for the other.

 

Even without considering FWB, if you imagine a romantic relationship, there's no way it's solely defined by sex. Romantic relationships are also cuddling and kissing and emotional connection, and even shit like dates and arguments and all that stuff that you get sometimes in close platonic relationships, but not at the same level or the same concentration as a romantic relationship.

 

If that's not how you feel about romantic relationships, if the only way for you to know if you love someone is if they make your dick hard, then I can't really explain asexuality to you, because that's very fundamental and very important.

 

But the definitions I've seen so far strike me as somewhat logically inconsistent.

Sexuality isn't a logical thing. It's an emotional thing.

 

 

since sexuality is so fluid, why bother with a label at all?

Because it helps make your feelings more normal when you have a name for it. It lets you know that other people feel the same way as you, instead of everyone being heterosexual heteromantic.

 

 

 

It also is interesting that most of the asexual people I've come across have never experienced any kind of close sexual or otherwise romantic relationship. I wonder if to a certain extent there's a feeling of "well, since it hasn't happened for me, I guess I just don't want it". I also wonder if there are many asexuals who have been in healthy, fulfilling, sexual or romantic relationships who have become asexual afterwards?

Getting consent for sex requires effort, right? If you want to have sex with someone, you have to put in work to do so. I would say that rather than it being "It hasn't happened, I must not want it," it's "I haven't put in the work to have a sexual work because at some level I don't want it."

 

And yes, there are people who have been in sexual relationships who come out of them and become asexual. Sexuality is fluid, especially when it comes to asexuality, because it's all about desire, and your level of desire can change.

 

 

Sometimes I'd rather just cuddle with a girl than bang her. I'm wondering if that's what it's like to be an asexual? Feeling that way all the time instead of just occasionally?

 

Though I usually only feel that way right after sex when my sex drive has been depleted lol

Yeah, kind of. Imagine that feeling right after sex when your sex drive has been depleted, but that's your sex drive all the time.

 

I don't feel the NEED to have sex with women, either.

 

Actually, yes, sometimes I do. Hmm. I'm struggling to comprehend 'aces.'

Do you feel the WANT to have sex with women? Just in a general sense, not in a specific way. I don't. That's asexuality.

 

How about men? Do you WANT to have sex with them? If not, then take the way you feel about sex with men, and apply it to sex with women. That's asexuality.

 

One of those old-timey breakdown posts. I can't compete with Tylerelyt in terms of being thorough and informative, so I'll just splice in FAQ quotes.

No, you're doing an awesome job, and I really appreciate it.

[Hawks]

I love how my one question that I guess I really did know the answer to has sparked all this.

[Tesset]

I would say you're not asexual, then.

 

It's a label, it's a question of whether you feel it fits you, not whether you fit some arbitrary metric.

[obfuscator]

But you have to have some kind of consistent definition, unless you just make it mean whatever you feel like, in which case back to my original point: why bother with the label at all?

 

That's mostly a rhetorical question.

[Tesset]

But you have to have some kind of consistent definition, unless you just make it mean whatever you feel like, in which case back to my original point: why bother with the label at all?

 

That's mostly a rhetorical question.

It's not an inconsistent definition though.

Asexual: no sexual attraction to anyone of any gender. May have sex in order to please a partner, though that's generally the only reason.

Demisexual: Sexually attracted only to a few individuals they have gotten to know very closely, such as a significant other or perhaps a very close friend. No sexual attraction to strangers/acquaintances. May have sex with those people they have formed that close emotional bond with.

Gray-Asexual: feels mostly no sexual attraction. May occasionally feel sexual attraction both to people they're close to and some strangers. May or may not act on those attractions.

 

These are all separate things on the ace spectrum. You might think the last two are kind of inconsistent, but remember that we live in a world where love at first sight is a thing, where talk about attractive celebrities or people inevitably falls to "I'd bang them," especially about women. The last two are just ways to distance yourself from that culture, because it feels ubiquitous. If they're inconsistent-which I don't think they are- it's because human psychology is inconsistent.

[Kalphite]

Last night I had my last bonfire with my friends back here before I move back out to school. It was a fantastic night; I'm going to miss everyone here but I'm ready to be back.

 

Also, finally picked up an electric drum kit because I'm finally going to be in an apartment where I have room for one. It's taking everything in me to not just play it all day, but I've still barely started packing and I move back tomorrow. heh.

 

[hide=Picture][/hide]

[Saradomin_Mage]

 

But you have to have some kind of consistent definition, unless you just make it mean whatever you feel like, in which case back to my original point: why bother with the label at all?

 

That's mostly a rhetorical question.

It's not an inconsistent definition though.

Asexual: no sexual attraction to anyone of any gender. May have sex in order to please a partner, though that's generally the only reason.

Demisexual: Sexually attracted only to a few individuals they have gotten to know very closely, such as a significant other or perhaps a very close friend. No sexual attraction to strangers/acquaintances. May have sex with those people they have formed that close emotional bond with.

Gray-Asexual: feels mostly no sexual attraction. May occasionally feel sexual attraction both to people they're close to and some strangers. May or may not act on those attractions.

 

These are all separate things on the ace spectrum. You might think the last two are kind of inconsistent, but remember that we live in a world where love at first sight is a thing, where talk about attractive celebrities or people inevitably falls to "I'd bang them," especially about women. The last two are just ways to distance yourself from that culture, because it feels ubiquitous. If they're inconsistent-which I don't think they are- it's because human psychology is inconsistent.

 

So uh, is your labelling just for the sake of it? You seem to imply that it's purely to separate yourself from a mainstream, much like some people would label themselves as emos/metalheads/whatnot so that they don't appear to be "mainstream".