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Celebrity Deathmatch


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Fight 10 - Jesus vs Santa  

35 members have voted

  1. 1. Who would win in a fight to the death?

    • Jesus
      16
    • Santa
      19


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:thumbup: Vote for the person you believe would win in a fight to the death! You may assume the celebrities involved are in their present condition, and in the case of historic figures (already dead or near death), you can assume they're in the condition they were most known for (E.g. can assume Abraham Lincoln is a healthy 6'4" 52 year old, but cannot assume that Stephen Hawking doesn't have ALS. Another example might be that Muhammad Ali is still in his early 20's, a boxing champion, and isn't some 70 year old dude with Parkinson's disease; you cannot assume that Albert Einstein is still a young patent clerk.)

 

Feel free to post something you might feel would sway the fight. If you're feeling creative you're welcome to give an account of the fight, please keep it safe for work.

 

[hide=past fights, outcomes]

[hide=fight #1 - Mark Zuckerberg and Julian Assange.]

Wikipedia pages here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Zuckerberg

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julian_Assange

 

Pages of interest here:

http://www.the33tv.com/about/station/newsteam/kdaf-zuckerberg-truth-story,0,337476.story

http://www.businessinsider.com/julian-assange-online-dating-profile-2010-12

 

Remarks about the pre-fight:

It's safe to assume that Mark Zuckerberg and Julian Assange know everything about everyone, which includes each other. Zuckerberg mines his information from Facebook, specifically after they change privacy settings and set the defaults to none. Assange's wikileaks has everything the U.S. government ever found out about anyone, ever. While he hasn't published it all yet, he more than likely has read it all. Both men have their likers and dislikers, although popular support has waned since The Social Network and rape charges.

 

Aftermath:

This was a painful spectacle to watch. As Julian Assange entered the arena, a chant of "Rapist, Rapist, Rapist!" could be heard throughout the arena. This was only to be drowned out by the tremendous "BOOO's" as Zuckerberg was introduced. When the fight began, it was evident that neither Assange nor Zuckerberg had the physical strength to do anything significant to each other. Midway through the slapping, a troll from the New Jersey public school system appeared (apparently paid off from the billion dollars donated by Zuckerberg), jumped into the ring and sucker punched Assange. Assange went down screaming "Cheater!," apparently hoping to be a martyr yet again. As Zuckerberg turned his back to face the crowds, Assange pulled a shiv from his sock and shanked Zuckerberg in the side of the neck, killing Zuckerberg and thus ending the fight. Several moments later, a bullet ripped through Assange's head, taken out by a US Navy Seal.

 

Winner: Assange, razor thin 17-15.

[/hide]

 

[hide=fight #2 - Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann]

Wikipedia Pages here:

http://en.wikipedia....iki/Sarah_palin

http://en.wikipedia....ichele_Bachmann

 

Pages of interest here:

http://thinkprogress...raziest-quotes/

http://jezebel.com/5...lin-documentary

 

Remarks about the pre-fight:

Two conservative, women politicians from the U.S. One is known for being a mama grizzly, while the other is known for having the intensity of lightning. While physically and politically these two might be mistaken for the same person, there are several key differences. Palin used to be the governor of Alaska, while Backmann is the representative from Minnesota's 6th district. Palin sought to be the Vice President, Backmann seeks to be the President. One thing is certain - both have the support of all the crazy gun toting tea partiers. This could be an interesting cat fight.

 

Aftermath:

Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann entered the arena together, side by side, to a chant of "Drill Baby Drill!" With tea partiers working themselves into a frenzy, shots could be heard from automatic weapons in the cheap seats. This calmed enough people down for one of the two (Can't be sure which one) to begin addressing the crowds, talking about government waste, constitutional principals, and invoking the name of Ronald Reagan several times. Later it became evident that this was Bachmann, after Palin took the microphone and began talking about how she could see Russia from her house.

 

The fight began, and immediately Bachmann called Palin a RINO. The two began clawing, moments later Sarah Palin revealed her true form, quite literally a mother grizzly bear! As Palin was transforming, Bachmann could be seen quite visibly shaking, fury and rage building inside her. Beams of intense energy shot out of her eyes, singing Palin's fur. Palin took one swipe with her giant paw, crumpling Bachmann to the ground.

 

Winner: Palin, 15-7.

[/hide]

 

[hide=Fight #3, Karl Marx versus Adam Smith.]

 

Wikipedia Pages here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adam_smith

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karl_marx

 

Pages of interest here:

http://www.encyclopedia.com/topic/Adam_Smith.aspx

http://www.enotes.com/topics/karl-marx

 

Remarks about the pre-fight:

A couple of the greatest thinkers of their time, Adam Smith is known as the father of capitalism, Karl Marx is known as the one of the principal architects of modern social science. Smith formed the basis for the "invisible hand," while Marx spent his lifetime describing the shortcomings of capitalism and promoting a stateless, classless society. Two great thinkers, two opposing ideas.

 

Aftermath:

As soon as the bell rang signalling the start of the fight, something amazing happened. Adam Smith began summoning the power of the invisible hand. As Smith was chanting encantations, Marx began summoning the common man. The unionized people in the audience, all the arena staff and workers began assembling and marching towards the ring, singing in unison, "Solidarity Forever". As the first union workers made it to the ring a curious thing occurred. Something began picking the workers up, and tossing them away.

 

The invisible hand had been summoned! As the invisible hand was taking care of the unions, Smith turned his focus onto Marx. A fist-fight ensued, a classic brawl. Marx went for a quick one-two, Smith countered and connected squarely with an uppercut to the chin. Marx went down hard. At that point we can only assume the invisible hand focused on Marx, as he began turning blue in the face. A final shudder, and Marx was dead.

 

Winner: Smith, 12-9.

[/hide]

 

[hide=Fight #4, Thomas Edison versus Nikola Tesla]

Wikipedia pages here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Edison

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nikola_Tesla

 

Pages of interest here:

http://www.neatorama.com/2008/02/11/10-fascinating-facts-about-edison/

http://proavmagazine.com/pro-av-articles/fascinating-facts-about-nikola-tesla.aspx

 

Remarks about the pre-fight:

Between the two of them, more than 1,700 patents were granted. Some interesting facts, Edison is usually credited with inventing the lightbulb (although he only improved upon its design); Tesla outright invented the radio (the USPTO reversed its decision on his original patent, later to be reinstated by the Supreme Court) but doesn't get credit. Edison favored direct current, Tesla favored alternating current.

 

Aftermath:

I wish I could say it was a close fight, but then I'd be lying.

Three seconds after the opening bell rang, Tesla started hand-cranking a box clockwise. This box made a loud whirling noise; it became apparent that it was a mind control device. Edison walked to the center of the ring, and sat down. Tesla then started making a cooing noise, and thousands upon thousands of pidgeons began flooding the arena. They all started defecating on Edison. Tesla made a different cooing noise, and the birds flew away. Finally, Tesla began spinning the crank on his box counter-clockwise, it began to vibrate at the exact resonant frequency of pidgeon feces. The feces on Edison began to boil and explode. This happened precisely three minutes and three seconds after the match began - Edison was obliverated.

 

Winner: Tesla 21-3.

[/hide]

 

[hide=Fight #5, Chuck Norris versus Jackie Chan]

Wikipedia pages here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Norris

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackie_chan

 

Pages of interest here:

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com

http://cinemassacre.com/2008/05/06/top-ten-jackie-chan-fights/

 

Remarks about the pre-fight:

Hopefully the universe doesn't explode from the sheer awesomeness of this fight. While both are famous actors, there are some key differences. Jackie Chan is most noted for doing his own stunts, while Chuck Norris was a competitive karate fighter (183-10-2) before getting into film.

 

Fight #5 Aftermath:

Fortunately for us, the universe did not explode at the speed of light. Jackie Chan and Chuck Norris bowed to each other, the bell rang and the fight began. Even the fastest cameras could not capture the blur of fists and feet, intense hand to hand combat. Steadily both Chan and Norris fought their way forward and back, pushing Chan near the ropes. Suddenly Chan jumped onto the ropes, bungied up, grabbed the ceiling and started jungle-jmming through the rafters faster than a monkey. Chuck Norris used his roundhouse kick against the rope to propel himself up to Chan, who jabbed him in the eye. Norris twisted, fell back to the ring, only to land on both feet. He gave a mighty kick to a pillar, crumbling the entire building. Chan landed on Norris, in a twisted heap of steel and debris. Both bleeding badly, it was clear that neither had the upper hand.

 

Finally after more intense hand to hand combat, Norris threw a kick. Jackie Chan's fist collided mid air with Norris' foot; splitting the atoms between them. A nuclear explosion ensued, consuming both fighters.

 

Winner: Neither, 11-11.

[/hide]

 

[hide=Fight #6, George Washington vs Abraham Lincoln]

Remarks about the pre-fight:

These two are probably the most respected Presidents ever to serve the United States of America. Washington played a pivotal role in helping to establish the new country, while Lincoln fought through a bloody civil war only to reunite and heal a broken nation.

 

Wiki:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_washington

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abraham_Lincoln

 

POI:

http://usgovinfo.about.com/od/thepresidentandcabinet/a/gwtheman.htm

http://www.toptenz.net/facts-about-abraham-lincoln.php

 

Fight #6 Aftermath:

These two presidents met at the ring, and agreed to an honorable boxing match. Some may argue that Lincoln had a slight edge with about an inch longer reach, but Washington was no slouch with a slightly stockier build. After 9 rounds of boxing, it was clear that neither president was willing to give in. After the 10th round, the match was declared a draw, as no one wanted to subject either president to death.

Winner: Neither, 10-10

[/hide]

 

[hide=Fight #7: Benito Mussolini versus Adolf Hitler]

As recommended via PM, we have Benito Mussolini versus Adolf Hitler. Mussolini was the 40th Prime Minister of Italy, later changing his title to Head of Government, Duce of Fascism, and Founder of the Empire. Hitler became Chancellor of Germany in 1933.

 

Wiki:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benito_Mussolini

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adolf_Hitler

 

POI:

 

Aftermath:

Hitler was a gentleman, and so allowed his former ally to choose the time and place of their match. The two men walked proudly to the arena, and the audience was immediately aware that Hitler was outmatched; On the outside, he was a small, sickly man whose hand wouldn't stop shaking. As the fight began, however, it was revealed that Hitler was unusually fast and stronger than his build would suggest, traits which he attributed to being Aryan. He deftly dodged each of Mussolini's slow, yet powerful punches, but was caught off guard when Il Duce landed a vicious kick to Hitler's testicle. Hitler immediately started to cry, shielding his face from the rain of fists. After what seemed like not nearly long enough for the mostly Jewish audience, Mussolini backed away, just in time for a train to arrive on top of Hitler.

 

The remaining 90 minutes of World War 2 were a romantic comedy.

Mussolini 21-10

[/hide]

 

[hide=Fight #8: Taylor Swift vs Miley Cyrus]

Fight #8

 

Miley Cyrus vs. Taylor Swift.

Wiki:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miley_Cyrus

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taylor_swift

 

POI:

http://www.miley-cyrus.com/stats.php

http://omg.yahoo.com/news/fun-facts-about-taylor-swift/55862

 

Aftermath:

At the start of the fight, both Cyrus and Swift agreed to fight by Anchorman rules (Rule Number one: No touching of the hair or face. And that's it). It was the cat-fight of the century (even more so than Zuckerberg vs. Assange). Both Cyrus and Swift began clawing at each others arms and torsos. Neither one seemed to gain the upper hand, until Cyrus landed a kick with her cowboy boots straight into Swift's torso, digging her spurs in. Swift fell to the floor, gasping for air and bleeding out her shirt. Swift began crawling towards the edge of the ring, slowly and steadily, as Cyrus began working the female tweens in the crowd to a craze. Finally, Cyrus went in for the final kill shot when all of a sudden she began having a flashback and started to hallucinate that there were thousands of spiders crawling all over her. As Cyrus started to claw all over herself to try and get rid of the spiders, Swift eventually regained enough strength to bash Cyrus' skull in with an acoustic guitar, thus breaking the only rule. Cyrus died moments later, with Swift emerging victorious. Unfortunately for Swift, her open wounds came into contact with Cyrus's blood. One can only imagine the diseases she may face later.

 

Swift wins, 16-14.

[/hide]

 

[hide=Fight #9: Chris Christie vs Michael Moore]

 

Chris Christie vs Michael Moore

Wiki:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_christie

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Moore

 

POI:

http://www.politico.com/blogs/click/1011/POLITICO_Playback_Chris_Christie_jokes.html

http://sithoughts.mu.nu/archives/028112.html

 

Aftermath:

Wall getting to the stage, both Christie and Moore had a heart attack. Christie was able to survive just long enough to have a flat bed truck get him to the hospital, Moore died before getting there. Christie ended up needing quadruple bypass surgery, but survived.

 

Chris Christie wins, 9-6.

[/hide]

[/hide]

 

And now, the current fight:

Introducing our competitors for Fight #10

 

Jesus vs Santa

Wiki:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santa

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus

 

 

Who will win?

99 dungeoneering achieved, thanks to everyone that celebrated with me!

 

♪♪ Don't interrupt me as I struggle to complete this thought
Have some respect for someone more forgetful than yourself ♪♪

♪♪ And I'm not done
And I won't be till my head falls off ♪♪

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My money's on Zuckerberg. Mark has the determination to be the best and leave no survivors along the way (MySpace) so I think Zuckerberg would defeat Assange because Julian is bit chaotic in a crazy way where he picked off revealing "secret" information then finding himself hitting rock bottom soon afterwards.

tFtfA.jpg
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Zuckerberg, no contest.

"Any people anywhere, being inclined and having the power, have the right to rise up, and shake off the existing government, and form a new one that suits them better. This is a most valuable - a most sacred right - a right, which we hope and believe, is to liberate the world."

Abraham Lincoln

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I remember the T.V. show as a kid :P. I'll take Zuckerberg in this one haha.

He's (presumably) younger, and Assange doesn't seem like the kind of guy to get into a straight up fistfight, even if Zuckerberg is physically weak. Plus, we can assume that Wikileaks doesn't keep tabs on the average individual, while for Facebook, that's the entire point. Zuckerberg has a tactical advantage there, especially if Assange or one of his family/friends has a page.

Ultimately, this looks like it will come down to whoever knows the other fighter best, and who can exploit that. If what I've read about the Social Network is true, Zuckerberg isn't above dirty tactics.

 

So Zuckerberg.

Facts courtesy of Alg's ass

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My money is on Assange. I assume that the crowd will favor him, seeing they'll be ticked off at the most recent facebook changes. That, and given his present condition (behind bars), he'll be strong from working out for 4 hours a day. Zuckerberg will be so full of himself that when the crowd boo's it'll be a rude wake up call that he is not, in fact, awesome.

 

:shades:

99 dungeoneering achieved, thanks to everyone that celebrated with me!

 

♪♪ Don't interrupt me as I struggle to complete this thought
Have some respect for someone more forgetful than yourself ♪♪

♪♪ And I'm not done
And I won't be till my head falls off ♪♪

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Share on other sites

My money is on Assange. I assume that the crowd will favor him, seeing they'll be ticked off at the most recent facebook changes. That, and given his present condition (behind bars), he'll be strong from working out for 4 hours a day. Zuckerberg will be so full of himself that when the crowd boo's it'll be a rude wake up call that he is not, in fact, awesome.

 

:shades:

That leads to the question of whether or not being booed will make Zuckerberg cry like a little girl or give him some kind of hulk-like rage. Or whether or not Zuckerberg feeds off of the negative publicity. With all of the security issues, unpopular changes, and him apparently just being a douche, it's quite likely.

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They both look so puny. They'd probably charge at each other and roll around in some homoerotic grip until one tires.

 

I vote Assange. He'll break his arm at Zuckerberg.

rc1tzc.png

☢ CAUTION ☢ CAUTION ☢ CAUTION ☢ CAUTION ☢

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You're pitting some programmer up against a killing machine. Who do you think is going to win? Seriously. There's only one choice.

"Let your anger be as a monkey in a piñata... hiding amongst the candy... hoping the kids don't break through with the stick." - Master Tang

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Fight #1 aftermath:

This was a painful spectacle to watch. As Julian Assange entered the arena, a chant of "Rapist, Rapist, Rapist!" could be heard throughout the arena. This was only to be drowned out by the tremendous "BOOO's" as Zuckerberg was introduced. When the fight began, it was evident that neither Assange nor Zuckerberg had the physical strength to do anything significant to each other. Midway through the slapping, a troll from the New Jersey public school system appeared (apparently paid off from the billion dollars donated by Zuckerberg), jumped into the ring and sucker punched Assange. Assange went down screaming "Cheater!," apparently hoping to be a martyr yet again. As Zuckerberg turned his back to face the crowds, Assange pulled a shiv from his sock and shanked Zuckerberg in the side of the neck, killing Zuckerberg and thus ending the fight. Several moments later, a bullet ripped through Assange's head, taken out by a US Navy Seal.

 

Winner: Assange, razor thin 17-15.

 

 

fight #2 - Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann

Wikipedia Pages here:

http://en.wikipedia....iki/Sarah_palin

http://en.wikipedia....ichele_Bachmann

 

Pages of interest here:

http://thinkprogress...raziest-quotes/

http://jezebel.com/5...lin-documentary

 

Remarks about the pre-fight:

Two conservative, women politicians from the U.S. One is known for being a mama grizzly, while the other is known for having the intensity of lightning. While physically and politically these two might be mistaken for the same person, there are several key differences. Palin used to be the governor of Alaska, while Backmann is the representative from Minnesota's 6th district. Palin sought to be the Vice President, Backmann seeks to be the President. One thing is certain - both have the support of all the crazy gun toting tea partiers. This could be an interesting cat fight.

99 dungeoneering achieved, thanks to everyone that celebrated with me!

 

♪♪ Don't interrupt me as I struggle to complete this thought
Have some respect for someone more forgetful than yourself ♪♪

♪♪ And I'm not done
And I won't be till my head falls off ♪♪

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Michele_Bachmann_Newsweek_cover_110808_244x183.jpg

I swear she must have heat vision.

99 dungeoneering achieved, thanks to everyone that celebrated with me!

 

♪♪ Don't interrupt me as I struggle to complete this thought
Have some respect for someone more forgetful than yourself ♪♪

♪♪ And I'm not done
And I won't be till my head falls off ♪♪

Link to comment
Share on other sites

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