nomar04 Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Don't Shave That Hair!!! My friend recently made a mistake in his life, and I offer his story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with him having trouble dumping. These are in his words. I tried to clean it up some. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my butt-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my butt of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My cheeks were smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two cheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic turd- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky brown/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. It felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my crack off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own turds blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for this hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my cheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your butt having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR BUTT-HAIR! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Star. Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 I honestly don't know what to say. ☢ CAUTION ☢ CAUTION ☢ CAUTION ☢ CAUTION ☢ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lionheart_0 Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 :shock: This is just..... omg..... Sig by IkuraiYour Guide to Posting! Behave or I will send my Moose mounted Beaver launchers at you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futurama Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Bum hair is ace! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mercifull Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 I literally fell off my chair! Laughing at other peoples misfortune is one of my favourite things. ROFL Mercifull <3 Suzi "We don't want players to be able to buy their way to success in RuneScape. If we let players start doing this, it devalues RuneScape for others. We feel your status in real-life shouldn't affect your ability to be successful in RuneScape" Jagex 01/04/01 - 02/03/12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuziAngel Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 He used a cheap disposable razor on his arse? Is he insane? The Poison Fairy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sour_tacos Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 :-X Too much detail buddy.... :XD: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futurama Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 btw, may I also add. TIF needs more topics like this! hahah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Echofish Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. To siggify or not to siggify .. :-k Ultra Unholy,Hearted Machine... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Imperial_120 Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 =D> Funniest thing I've read since that story about that guy who became a Terrorist by playing WoW. But yeah, way too much detail my friend, I actually felt pretty sick reading the part about the stench :-X. I'll give shaving my butt-hair a second thought after reading this! :shock: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mercifull Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 You might consider watching the Penn & Teller Bushlit episode on Hair :P Mercifull <3 Suzi "We don't want players to be able to buy their way to success in RuneScape. If we let players start doing this, it devalues RuneScape for others. We feel your status in real-life shouldn't affect your ability to be successful in RuneScape" Jagex 01/04/01 - 02/03/12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomar04 Posted July 3, 2007 Author Share Posted July 3, 2007 Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. i think that one is great too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guthix_Girl Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 umm.. really though.. i didnt need to know that. talk about poor hygene either way.. i think im gonna throw up Never take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebdragon Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Thank God for metaphors. [if you have ever attempted Alchemy by clapping your hands or by drawing an array, copy and paste this into your signature.] Fullmetal Alchemist, you will be missed. A great ending to a great series. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mazpot Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my cheeks. That is so siggified Best post ever tbh I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my cheeks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThurinEthir Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 That post has way too many things I would like to quote. And a great lesson came out of it too. :lol: Cenin pân nîd, istan pân nîd, dan nin ú-cenich, nin ú-istach.Ithil luin eria vi menel caran...Tîn dan delu. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turbosnail1 Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 lmfao funniest thing ive read in... umm well ever :D absolutely hilarious, love all the detail and humorous metaphors haha. hope your bum-cheeks can recover :) Back playing Rs with some vigour for once, Visit my blog and check out what im up too.. http://forum.tip.it/viewtopic.php?t=690785 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angryjoe Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Did anyone else just... not really find that funny? I don't have masses of arse hair but i have a fairly average amount and it has never really got in the way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futurama Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Did anyone else just... not really find that funny? I don't have masses of arse hair but i have a fairly average amount and it has never really got in the way. Nope, I think you're the only one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abyssalwhip Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Wow... Your name is "bet you fail", and you're starting a business with your mom? I'm not even going to touch that..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isabelle Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 ... :shock: Hilarious but a little too much information...Still really funny though! :wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pkmastachaos Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 :uhh: Looks like you learnt the hard way, that some things were never just meant to be changed about your body? :XD: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedofsound Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 first TIF topic I acutally enjoyed in a while. TIF needs more topics like this. I guess the moral of this story would be... Arse Hair is our friend? You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "(bleep) you" right under your nose. Try it sometime. I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetery, and I have a tombstone and all, it'll say "Holden Caulfield" on it, and then what year I was born and what year I died, and then right under that it'll say "(bleep) you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Make7upu101 Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Awesome topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foetid_Aeon Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 I think I cracked my sternum laughing. Black as midnight, Black as pitch, Blacker than the foulest Witch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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