"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Sir_Squab]

Using "if you can let him go you never really cared" as a means to justify excluding yourself from the situation implies that you have to over care in the initial stages of a relationship, often manifesting itself as "oneitis".

 

Let's take a different approach:

 

Muffin: you got along with a dude. he was nice to you. now you're into him. You're into nice dudes. That's a nice thing. Don't turn every compliment into a relationship. You'll drive yourself and most folk around you mad. Find more people who are nice to you, and stick to those who are; I worry about your self esteem.

You are actually right. It's actually funny how spot-on you are. I'm not going to deny it, and I've read a few of the urban dictionary things on it, and yep it's crazy how quickly it can develop though. Another thing is though that I have too much of an overwhelming sense of doing what's right or fair. I just don't know why I can't just go for someone I like without checking once twice thrice whether they like someone else, am I too late, why would they ever like me, are they dating, does anyone else like them etc. By the time I've cleared all of that air I'm still never convinced that they'd like me, and if they don't I'm fine with it etc because that's what I expected in the first place. I'm just not the kind of person to actually pursue someone unless I'm absolutely absolutely sure that it's mutual but that won't stop me from going crazy in my head. "Don't turn every compliment into a relationship." is so right, I just went/am still crazy straight up.

 

You sound like you're just looking for excuses for it not to work because you don't believe you deserve to be happy or that you're worthy.

[Ginger_Warrior]

It's really just confirmation bias, which is an equal flaw in people who are over confident as well as people lacking confidence.

[Kalphite]

Guess I was wrong about her losing interest. She ended up messaging me today and giving her number, so maybe there will still be more to this story. I still don't want to make anything serious out of this due to distance and age difference but it'd be cool to maybe hang with her a couple more times this summer. I'll just let it play out haha.

[Noxx]

Okay so here's a pretty strange situation i have found myself in.

My "GF" smokes quite a fair amount of weed. A lot of times we're together she's high. Pretty much at least once a day. The other day she asked me if i would still be with her if she was high 24/7. I said no, simply because i wouldn't be with the real her then. I wouldn't be with the person i love, but instead some other version of her. Okay, fair enough i guess. But i've noticed something else the past week. Whenever the two of us smoke together i get some really weird ass thoughts. Like the other day i sat there looking at her while she was talking to a friend and all i could think of was a thing that happened 3 years ago when we were driving the one day. Like i remembered what she looked like then, how she acted, and who she was and it made me really miss the old her. And then i started thinking "maybe getting baked with her is a good thing, because it can help me move on by seeing the things i don't like in her?" I don't know if that's a good, bad, or normal thing considering the nature of our relationship? But i thought it was curious nonetheless.

[RpgGamer]

"If you have to be drunk or high to convince yourself that your relationship is worth something, it probably isn't"

 

Literally a blog entry I made back when I was still struggling to make it work with the rave girl a few months back.

[Noxx]

"If you have to be drunk or high to convince yourself that your relationship is worth something, it probably isn't"

 

Literally a blog entry I made back when I was still struggling to make it work with the rave girl a few months back.

Well i basically feel the opposite of that. I only have doubts like this when i'm high/drunk. So that's why i was curious. I know they say that your true inhibitions when you're drunk, so i assumed it might be the same when you're high. Thing is though, when i get stoned alone/with other friends, basically when i get stoned without her being around, these thoughts don't even cross my mind. It's just when she's around and i can actually see her and look at her.

 

Her on the other hand. She doesn't really talk much about her feelings and stuff, but what she tells me often is that "I know i don't talk about how i feel a lot, but i do care about you a great deal. A lot more than i sometimes show." She often talks about me going back to FL and the possibility of her coming with me, which leads me to think that she really thinks about this as a possibility. She gets high to forget other things, and these are the things that kind of scare me. But i don't think either of us think about any of these things when we're not high.

[Randox]

Maddy, one of the beautiful things about this thread is that we are a lot more free than your friends are to offer our honest opinions. Of course, we have less to go on, so at the end of the day, there is definitely some balance.

[nine naked men]

we're also smarter & more handsome than 99% of society and occasionally demonstrate random acts of telepathy

 

or maybe that's just me

[Guest Smelly Paws]

Well i basically feel the opposite of that. I only have doubts like this when i'm high/drunk. So that's why i was curious. I know they say that your true inhibitions when you're drunk, so i assumed it might be the same when you're high. Thing is though, when i get stoned alone/with other friends, basically when i get stoned without her being around, these thoughts don't even cross my mind. It's just when she's around and i can actually see her and look at her.

 

Her on the other hand. She doesn't really talk much about her feelings and stuff, but what she tells me often is that "I know i don't talk about how i feel a lot, but i do care about you a great deal. A lot more than i sometimes show." She often talks about me going back to FL and the possibility of her coming with me, which leads me to think that she really thinks about this as a possibility. She gets high to forget other things, and these are the things that kind of scare me. But i don't think either of us think about any of these things when we're not high.

 

Being brutally honest, you're going to get dragged down into the gutter if you're not careful with what you're doing. Both doing drugs doesn't make solid ground for any relationship. You're better off moving on and up in the world.

 

I'm assuming you want to pilot as a career at some point or already do? If so don't they do drug/alcohol tests fairly regularly on pilots and if not then why not!?!?! You sound like you're either drunk or high all the time.

[Ginger_Warrior]

I go back to my last post about your love life, Noxx. Going out with mates and getting drunk, having a laugh is one thing. Using drugs and alcohol as a way of avoiding stress is another matter. It's not an avenue you want to go down because ultimately, it doesn't resolve whatever issues are causing the stress, it just hides them for a while. But those issues are still there when all things said and done.

 

If she wants to get on top of it, she needs to talk about it and open up. Getting baked isn't the answer.

[RpgGamer]

personal reminders and thought train commence: (This will likely be irrelevant, but I need the catharsis)

[hide]

1. relationships are not distractions, they are meaningful bonds

2. don't enter a relationship for the sake of a relationship

3. jealousy is normal but stupid

4. don't put up with ridiculous crap just to have sex consistently

5. you are worth something - act like it

 

I like the idea of casual dating, but right now it's not what I'm looking for. Which is totally weird, what with it being summer and all. Maybe it's the disgust of the unfairness that if she does date others I am okay with it, but then she goes ballistic with jealousy if I so much as comment on a girl's photo. No sense in putting up with that nonsense. Just to be tossed to the side again because I don't have all the time in the world like most people my age do? pshh. Sick of it. You don't need people like that. Find someone that appreciates you and won't yo-yo your emotional state.

 

And then there's the ex. So loyal to her fiance, strengthened by the known consequences of not doing so. I am the consequence. I am the mistakes that won't be repeated. If only I was truly okay with that. But some part of me can't stand to see someone else's ring on the finger I once placed mine. Is that so immoral? How can someone who played such a big part in my life abandon me like that? And how could someone like me let her go when I played such a huge role in hers?

 

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. These are the tangents that haunt me.

 

[/hide]

[muggiwhplar]

I like the idea of casual dating, but right now it's not what I'm looking for. Which is totally weird, what with it being summer and all. Maybe it's the disgust of the unfairness that if she does date others I am okay with it, but then she goes ballistic with jealousy if I so much as comment on a girl's photo.

 

That stuff only happens to you because you like drama and tolerate that kind of behavior. I think deep down you think that it's somehow "worth it" to put up with that crap. A girl going ballistic like that doesn't sound symptomatic of a "casual" relationship. It sounds symptomatic of a "normal" relationship. :P Meaning: if you're trying to have casual relationships, then treat them like casual relationships. Don't treat them like they're your girlfriend/future wife because that's how they'll behave.

[MuffinMaddy]

Maddy, one of the beautiful things about this thread is that we are a lot more free than your friends are to offer our honest opinions. Of course, we have less to go on, so at the end of the day, there is definitely some balance.

 

Yeah, thanks. I think I blew it today. We're absolutely fine with each other and I'm still going to his party next week, but I'm too shy to talk to him properly now.

We were texting pretty much all day yesterday, and we had an exam together today. I found it difficult, he found it easy and we talked about that,

and playing the guitar. But it was too normal to go back, like it was normal chatter but I didn't have eye contact even once, I just lost all my confidence completely.

Maybe it's because I hated the exam and just wanted to curl up in a ball. Either way, he went to Nandos and watched Hangover 3 (3 friends and I) which was a nice distraction, but my lack of confidence is really ruining things for me I think. I really need to sort it out; at least before Uni this October, because it's ridiculous. Things are going fine and then I'll have a split second of doubt, which makes me stutter and get mixed up and stay silent when I need to speak up and not be afraid to be myself.

[RpgGamer]

Fought with ex fiance because her new fiance won't let me see her when she vists this weekend.

 

got back together with latest crazy because she's back on her meds and everyone deserves a third chance.

 

I wish I were kidding.

[hide]

Pros:

 

1. Got my favorite shirt back

2. free raves[/hide]

[Low Levelled]

I think i did a bad thing yesterday.. was hanging out with a girl, and in the heat of a very steamy moment she told me she loved me, anc for some reason beyond me I said it back. I think I may have subconcsiously realized I wouldn't get any if i didn't say it, but I regret saying it. The fact she's got a year of high school left and I'm heading to college in the fall is also looming large over my head. I'm in a pickle. Shit.

[Giordano]

Luckily, words do not carry meaning anymore and you don't HAVE to stick with her for the rest of your life. :P

 

Tell her you didn't mean that and you were thinking in the heat of the moment...depending on the girl, she could be understanding ( :roll:) or be pissed at ya. That would be fine if you didn't have any serious thoughts of dating her...don't you?

[RpgGamer]

Its important to tell her that as soon as possible. Dont let her settle in the thought of you loving her. Just say that it caught you off guard and you reflexed, and that you'll have to think long and hard before defining your feelings so simply.

[Tim]

I finally told my ex to go [bleep] himself. This is honestly the first time I've stood up to someone with my anxiety issues going full throttle and now I'm having difficulty calming my breathing and heart down :(

[obfuscator]

Luckily, words do not carry meaning anymore and you don't HAVE to stick with her for the rest of your life. :P

 

Tell her you didn't mean that and you were thinking in the heat of the moment...depending on the girl, she could be understanding ( :roll:) or be pissed at ya. That would be fine if you didn't have any serious thoughts of dating her...don't you?

 

Why should he tell her, if "words do not carry meaning anymore"?

[Low Levelled]

I really am not much for love, I kind of view it in the same light as religion in that it's a nice thought, but in the end it's just fabricated by a societal need. Just my opinion, anyway, and I hope she understands that when/if I decide to be upfront with her.

[RpgGamer]

For her sake you should. Doesn't matter what you think and feel solely if someone else is involved in the conversation

[Ginger_Warrior]

OK, you're clearly not in love with her, but do you love her? You may not actually have been lying if you play semantics.

 

The reality, however, is that LDRs can become incredibly strained, especially when it involves one person going to college/university, and that person's suddenly thrown into a big social melting pot where past connections seem to get shoved onto the back burner for the first few months, at least. It's probably not wise to allow her to invest so much emotion into the relationship at this point, for her own sake, when there's no certainty that in three months time the relationship will even exist at all.

 

I'm not even talking about you personally when I say that. The vast majority of college/university LDRs I've seen tend to split up around about the post-Christmas January/February period during first year, and I know other people close to me see the same pattern in their acquaintances.

[Omar]

OK, you're clearly not in love with her, but do you love her? You may not actually have been lying if you play semantics.

Might as well argue he was just making a noise and that he didn't mean for her to interpret it as a sentence.

It's going to bite you back in the ass and you know what to do. Get it together.

 

@Ring_World: Thanks for that video.

[obfuscator]

She may not understand your opinion of love, but she'll definitely understand the lie.

[Low Levelled]

I'd just wish I could have some fun with her for the rest of the summer without her analyzing my every move. I've reiterated to her several times that I'm unsure if I'll want a relationship but I am afraid I have let her on.. Why the hell did I even think it was ok for me to say that back to her..