"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Tim]

Never heard of "being a sack" before. :\

 

Also inb4Sam.

[Sam]

Never heard of "being a sack" before. :\

 

Also inb4Sam.

 

 

 

EDIT: nevermind,

[IGoddessI]

Hi Rob

 

I can tell you that short answers can mean two things.

 

1. She has social anxiety and gets thought blocks and isn't intentionally shutting you out or

2. You are being cut off communication all together. Consider it a bit of classical conditioning. If you like to have conversations and you're continually given brief answers, you will learn the behaviour of not even bothering as it lacks little reward. Much like a little mouse will stop eating cheese if it is scared or shocked every time it goes near it.

 

Now since we know this person isn't a shy person and it is pretty hard to have social anxiety over technical devices, I'm 100% positive you're in category 2 buddy. And while we're here... there is no chance of a friendship but you'll learn that the hard way too probably lol

 

Secondly, don't under estimate shy girls. When I met the person I'm about to marry I barely said boo to him. You have to spend time together desensitizing the awkward silences. She needs to be comfortable with your touch, she needs to feel safe with you and once you share personal information about one another she will open up.

 

Let me tell you this: If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried and tried again to blend into the world before and people continue to disappoint them. Jodi Picoult

 

The aim is for her to be able to reveal her true self to you, without you judging her. Once she understands that you like her for who she is, she will be who she really is. Plus, I know plenty of friends of mine who are complete opposites. The key is to admire things in each other that you don't, yourself, posses.

 

I guess that's the thing when you're young.... you seem to think you have to have everything in common ;)

[RpgGamer]

Always love your posts IgoddessI <3:

 

your presence always makes me put my life in perspective. Like a self-correcting mechanism of sorts.

 

'm obviously a nut

[Guest Rob]

---

[Skill_Caster]

Man, guys. So confused. I don't really have a story at the moment, just felt like posting in here. Maybe I can offer some help. I just feel pretty confused with my life at the moment. Anyone got problems to distract them from mine?

[revanlives]

I have one. I posted here a few days ago about me and my boyfriend breaking up. Well, as it turns out, I still have his spare apartment key and need to return it to him eventually. The break-up is still fresh, but on the one hand, he's going to transfer to a different state next semester, which means this could very well be the last time I ever see him in-person, but on the other hand, I almost don't want to see him, even if it brings some closure. I don't know whether I should see him and talk about things, try and get closure, or just not see him at all, even though he'll probably be moving out of my life forever.

[RpgGamer]

I have one. I posted here a few days ago about me and my boyfriend breaking up. Well, as it turns out, I still have his spare apartment key and need to return it to him eventually. The break-up is still fresh, but on the one hand, he's going to transfer to a different state next semester, which means this could very well be the last time I ever see him in-person, but on the other hand, I almost don't want to see him, even if it brings some closure. I don't know whether I should see him and talk about things, try and get closure, or just not see him at all, even though he'll probably be moving out of my life forever.

 

you'll likely regret not seeing him one last time later on.

 

 

I have a date tomorrow night. I haven't been on a date since...July?

 

Weird.

[revanlives]

Yeah, you're probably right. It's just kind of scary. Not sure what's going to happen or how bad it's going to hurt.

[Jeffwilson99]

Lol RPG I'm pretty sure I've never been on a proper date. Well when I go and do stuff with a girl I'm seeing, it doesn't feel like a date. Now that I try and explain this is seems retarded.

[RpgGamer]

just got back from my date. Little awkward at first, but I caught up to myself. dropped the ball a bit toward the end, but if my aim is to take it slow then I nailed it. Can't always throw 'em in bed after one date right? I'm up for another, so we'll see how things go I suppose.

[Sam]

Alright, I need to unload this.

 

Back on Tuesday, me and Ellen had a big talk. She thought being ill (long recovery from glandular fever/encephalitis that hospitalised her) makes her less of a girlfriend to me. I told her it doesn't make me think any less of her (just as long as she tries her best, I couldn't ask for anything more). I told her that being in a complicated relationship (which we were in because she didn't feel as though she can handle a full-on relationship, and needed time to rest) makes me feel insecure, so we agreed to get back together - I agreed to give her space, and her to try her best for me.

 

My problem is, I don't feel as though I know how to giver her space. I feel as though if I don't give her space, I'll just push her away, and she'll dump me - then I'll come running back when it's fit for her, mostly because I have strong feelings for her.

 

I want to be able to giver her space, but not feel like a depressed moron. I love her, but I feel as though I restrict her, but at the same time, I want the feeling that I give to her back, in the special way she does it.

 

I accept the fact that she's still recovering from an illness that could of easily killed her, all I want to do is be there to give her support when she needs it - and to read the signs when she seems OK, the times when I can occupy myself.

 

This isn't about me kissing her ass, or me exchanging my status for attention. I want to know how to give her space, and when I should be more intimate with her.

 

--

 

I know it's all very complicated. Kudos to anyone who can even give me a shred of an opinion on what feels to me like a complicated problem.

[Hobgoblinpie]

Well, 'space' in relationships isn't a pre-defined thing, which makes it hard to advise people on. My general view is that reducing how often and how full on you are when you communicate (except when face to face) is a good way to give the space a person needs - they wont feel tied down to respond to you as soon as possible.

 

Of course, you also need to give them the space to do what they want to do. So let her do her own thing - but, and this is a must - don't act uninterested, because that will kill the relationship.

 

Realistically, it's hard for me to give examples, since I don't know the kind of things you say to each other, but as a guideline:

 

'Hey babe just wanted to see if you've woken up and if you are up how are you omg I love you so much xxxxxxxx' = bad

 

'Hello love :) Just texting to see how you're doing today x' = good

 

Again, I'm not saying that you communicate like in the bad example, because I'm sure you don't, but it's the easiest way for me to describe what I'm talking about.

[Sam]

I understand. I want to change how I act towards Ellen, and women in general. I'm not a pushover, and I feel as though that's how many people perceive me at the moment.

[RpgGamer]

dear sir, your grammar is worse than your difficulty in deciphering appropriate times to be intimate.

 

grammar nazi-ism aside, i feel this is a talk you should directly have with her, in exactly the same manner that you posed the question to us. if she's not able to give you an honest and complete answer, then you really aren't to blame when she gets in one of her "moods"

[Duff]

What's wrong with his grammar? I thought it was fine.

[muggiwhplar]

I feel as though if I don't give her space, I'll just push her away, and she'll dump me - then I'll come running back when it's fit for her, mostly because I have strong feelings for her.

 

I want to be able to giver her space, but not feel like a depressed moron.

 

I don't think your state of mind is "healthy" enough to make rational decisions that you can commit to for the good of this relationship at this point. Your happiness is dependent on her. This is bad.

 

There was a girl I hung out with for a couple or years or so-- we were close friends, in a strictly platonic way. One day, she told me she had pre-cancer cells in her body and for some reason, the thought of her dying made me develop romantic feelings for her. After this, I told her that I had feelings for her-- and, more importantly-- that I wanted to quit hanging out with her until my irrational emotions had subsided. I refused to hang out with her if I'm not going to be in a happy, rational state of mind like I normally am.

 

I believe the same should go for anyone in a relationship (again, this is why I avoid long-term exclusive relationships). The more you invest into the relationship, the more you lose when things go south (and for 90% of you, things are going to go south after a few years). Relationships can create a euphoric high when things are going well, and give you terrible depressive/withdrawal symptoms when things aren't going well. I think it's better to experience such emotions in moderation, considering negative emotions have triple the influence that positive emotions have on your body/mind.

 

As always, I don't expect anyone to follow my advice... just something to keep in mind in the future. Half of it is understanding it. The other half is doing it.

 

I understand. I want to change how I act towards Ellen, and women in general. I'm not a pushover, and I feel as though that's how many people perceive me at the moment.

 

Go cold turkey from her. Go spend time with other more attractive girls. Do some meditation about Ellen and don't resist any negative emotions you feel-- just accept all of it and your body will adapt quicker than if you try resisting it.

[Jeffwilson99]

When I text my girl I just say "sup homo". I guess giving her spaces means that you won't get to see her everyday, and possibly that you won't talk to her everyday, whether in text or in person. Maybe that will be hard for you if you're not used to that kind of relationship. Has she implied that you were previously too clingy? That could be one reason she wants space.

[Duff]

I don't think your state of mind is "healthy" enough to make rational decisions that you can commit to for the good of this relationship at this point. Your happiness is dependent on her. This is bad.

 

I believe the same should go for anyone in a relationship (again, this is why I avoid long-term exclusive relationships). The more you invest into the relationship, the more you lose when things go south (and for 90% of you, things are going to go south after a few years). Relationships can create a euphoric high when things are going well, and give you terrible depressive/withdrawal symptoms when things aren't going well. I think it's better to experience such emotions in moderation, considering negative emotions have triple the influence that positive emotions have on your body/mind.

I've experienced my happiness dependent on a girl/what a girl does. What you say is pretty interesting to me. I forget what kind of person you are (cause that could easily answer my question), but how is someone supposed to ever find a partner (i.e. for marriage) if they rarely ever invest much into the relationship. I mean, I understand you point that the more you invest, the more you lose. But how do you know when to invest the correct amount to where, if things don't go south, things will go fantastic, but on the other hand, if things do go south, you don't lose a heck of a lot? Where's the mean/middle ground?

 

If you're not much of a 'marriage' kind of guy, that explains it, I think. I'm just curious of what you think the ideal amount of investment in a relationship is. Personally, I'd like to know, since I have no idea how much of myself I should be putting in a relationship.

[muggiwhplar]

Duff-- before I go on to explain things, keep in mind that my highest priority in my life is maintaining a high level of long-term, unconditional happiness. Most people are after the same thing as me but they often don't even realize it. A lot of people wish they made more money. Why? Various reasons-- needs, status, security, etc-- but in the end, the underlying reason is all to either become happy or maintain their happiness. Same goes for just about everything else a person in our society wants to do. Some people want to go to the gym and become more fit-- whether to be healthy or to look more attractive to the opposite sex-- in the end they're hoping to become more happy from doing so. Some people just want to have sex w/ no strings attached-- sex makes them happy. Some people want a boyfriend or girlfriend to cling to-- that person makes them happy. It all ends in [conditional] happiness.

 

Honestly, in my experience while single, I found that I was still perfectly content and happier than almost everybody else I knew. This suggests that romantic relationships aren't essential to long-term happiness. There's plenty of other ways achieve happiness than to invest all of your emotional energy into one other person. But I digress... I'll get back to your questions now :P

 

I've experienced my happiness dependent on a girl/what a girl does. What you say is pretty interesting to me. I forget what kind of person you are (cause that could easily answer my question), but how is someone supposed to ever find a partner (i.e. for marriage) if they rarely ever invest much into the relationship.

 

I don't think it is a wise idea to invest a lot into a relationship unless you're involved with multiple relationships at a time. Basically-- don't put all your eggs into one basket. Some people are against the whole "open relationships" thing, yet they're not above flirting with other people all the time w/o actually taking it a step further. They never technically cheat on their partner, but in the back of their mind, they know that they have other options in case things fall apart in their current relationship. This is one fail-safe against despair from a failed relationship.

 

So, the more you invest in one relationship, the more alternative options you should have waiting for you in case your "main" relationship fails.

 

I mean, I understand you point that the more you invest, the more you lose. But how do you know when to invest the correct amount to where, if things don't go south, things will go fantastic, but on the other hand, if things do go south, you don't lose a heck of a lot? Where's the mean/middle ground?

 

I believe having multiple relationships at a time is the best way to go. Or, at the very least, if you're going to try and have one "main" relationship, you should have a few other options lined up at all times just in case.

 

Being exclusive with a woman goes against your biology as a man. We weren't designed to find one girl and stay with her until we die. Our species would have gone extinct long ago if we had done that from the beginning. There's the leaders who slept with all the women, and then the followers who raised their kids while the leaders kept sleeping with more women. The women would fantasize about the leaders while the followers would bore them to death. These days, most men fit into the "follower" category-- and both the followers and the women they get stuck with become unhappy in the long run.

 

So, the "ideal" for a man is to have a relationship with one or two girls that you care for, while still seeing other girls on the side that don't really mean anything to you.

 

So if things to south with one girl, you have plenty of other options. You didn't put all your eggs into one basket.

 

Some guys are cowards and lie about their intentions/desires to women... It is important that all girls you get involved with understand that you don't want to be exclusive, or that you aren't interested in anything more than sex with them. A LOT of girls are fine with this, despite what society has taught you up to this point. Additionally, girls who are OK with this are as normal as any other girl you'll ever meet, so throw the "s-word" (rhymes with 'glut') out of your vocabulary. Biological programming will always override societal programming. For some reason this surprises a lot of people... probably because men are more "territorial" and jealous than women when it comes to sex. Women are more jealous than men when it comes to attention.

 

If you're not much of a 'marriage' kind of guy, that explains it, I think. I'm just curious of what you think the ideal amount of investment in a relationship is. Personally, I'd like to know, since I have no idea how much of myself I should be putting in a relationship.

 

Yup-- I don't think exclusive relationships/marriage are a wise idea for anyone in our modern society. It ultimately results in less happiness than remaining single or getting into an open relationship.

[obfuscator]

 

Yup-- I don't think exclusive relationships/marriage are a wise idea for anyone in our modern society. It ultimately results in less happiness than remaining single or getting into an open relationship.

This is a pretty bold claim...

[muggiwhplar]

 

Yup-- I don't think exclusive relationships/marriage are a wise idea for anyone in our modern society. It ultimately results in less happiness than remaining single or getting into an open relationship.

This is a pretty bold claim...

 

It's obviously not always true... but most of the time it is :P

[obfuscator]

 

Yup-- I don't think exclusive relationships/marriage are a wise idea for anyone in our modern society. It ultimately results in less happiness than remaining single or getting into an open relationship.

This is a pretty bold claim...

 

It's obviously not always true... but most of the time it is :P

No it isn't. :P

[Giordano]

I only question the multiple relationship for when you have kids.

 

And I agree with the back-ups things, but it's something you keep to yourself.

[RpgGamer]

I feel like a slide back into the Greek version of polygamy [minus the sexism] is very possible in today's society. People say you should stay together for the kids....but why bother when that kids could then have multiple parents, for multiple influences, giving them a more rounded upbringing?

 

progressiveeee