"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[The_Gabe]

Once upon a time we were your age, and we know the sort of stories 14-ish year olds come up with. :roll:

 

Once upon a time you were my age, and you were annoyed with other people who thought you were lying when you actually weren't.

 

 

And I'm 15.

 

I joined these forums when I was 12 and I still didn't make up such lies as that.

[Nomrombom]

Once upon a time we were your age, and we know the sort of stories 14-ish year olds come up with. :roll:

 

Once upon a time you were my age, and you were annoyed with other people who thought you were lying when you actually weren't.

 

 

And I'm 15.

 

I joined these forums when I was 12 and I still didn't make up such lies as that.

 

I don't make up lies like that either.

[Guest Rob]

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[Iamdan]

If you had to insist on becoming a statistic in this thread and go down the "spill your feelings" path to spanky town, at least listen to mug. Move on.

[Guest Rob]

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[Randox]

Here are the problems, as I see it, with trying to get out of the friend zone:

 

#1 Good [bleep]ing luck.

 

#2 If she just wants to to be friends, and you want to be lovers, then you've already established a huge inequality in the needs of the relationship. To put it simply, you "need" her, and she doesn't really need you, so even if you do manage to get to dating town, your pretty much at her mercy. A relationship where only one party is truly invested in it, is not a relationship that is built to last. If you really want the girl to be in your life, your better off as friends.

 

And that's where the needy part comes in. Anything you can do to try and get out of the friend zone is going to say, in great big neon letters, that you need her. Aside from being an incredibly unattractive state of being, this again leads to the social dynamic where your a lot more invested in the relationship than she is. Even if she does eventually love you back, she had to work at it.

 

In the long run, trying to get out is just a sure fire way to end your friendship, whether you get to dating, or just creep her out so much trying to get her that she doesn't want to be around you any more. It's very difficult to be around a guy who overtly wants more than friendship, if friendship is all you want. It very quickly becomes a lot easier, and more enjoyable, to isolate your would be lover from your social group as much as possible, so that you don't have to deal with it anymore.

 

I'm sure there are guys out there who have gotten out of the friend-zone and into meaningful relationships, and I'm sure some of them went on to get married and never divorced. But these people are a not the norm. In most cases, this sort of thing is probably not even a theoretical possibility.

 

Move on.

[Guest Rob]

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[Randox]

I guess we're all saying move on right away, because that is what life has taught us. Maybe that makes us wise, and you should follow our sage advice, or perhaps we're all really cynical, and your wise to not give up. Probably a bit of both. If I may:

Cynicism is almost the same thing as experience. Just start thinking the worst about people, and you'll usually be right.

 

-Catbert

 

Either way, we're not invested in this, so its a lot easier for us to say move on to you. Of course, since we aren't invested in this, you can also assume we are thinking about it in a much more logical and sound manner :D (that is why you ask other people for opinions on this kind of thing).

 

Anywho...

 

If you want to wait it out a week or two, I really don't see the harm in that. The only thing I will say is that as long as your waiting, your not available for anything else. If you ever enter another relationship while doing something like the waiting game with someone else, you have effectively made that relationship Plan B. This is something that, at the very least, you will have to hide for as long as you want that relationship to last, because nothing ends a relationship like "I really wanted this other girl, but she didn't want me so I settled for you". That will end not only your current relationship, but I imagine would end your potential to be with every girl on Earth who (a) hears about it, and (b) knows who you are. By the sounds of it, this would be approximately every girl in your town. So don't make the mistake of waiting for her forever under the assumption that you can always go with someone else if the oppourtunity comes up. You need to sort that shit out before you move on.

[RpgGamer]

Here are the problems, as I see it, with trying to get out of the friend zone:

 

#1 Good [bleep]ing luck.

 

#2 If she just wants to to be friends, and you want to be lovers, then you've already established a huge inequality in the needs of the relationship. To put it simply, you "need" her, and she doesn't really need you, so even if you do manage to get to dating town, your pretty much at her mercy. A relationship where only one party is truly invested in it, is not a relationship that is built to last. If you really want the girl to be in your life, your better off as friends.

 

And that's where the needy part comes in. Anything you can do to try and get out of the friend zone is going to say, in great big neon letters, that you need her.

Move on.

 

My original plan was to wait another week or two, and see if she changes her mind. I won't do anything to try to get her to change her mind, I'll just keep talking to her like I normally do and see if she randomly decides she likes me or something.

 

Scenario A: She decides she likes me. We can have a relationship, and I've done nothing to seem needy, since all that I've done is talk to her like I did normally.

Scenario B: She decides she doesn't like me. I haven't wasted any time, and things aren't too awkward for us, so we continue to be friends.

 

Anything I'm missing there? I'm just trying to not give up as quickly as possible, because there's really not many people around where I live. If I decide things won't work out with this girl, it'll be a few months before I find someone else who I'll consider dating, just because of the shortage of people around where I live. So moving on to someone else can be a challenge. (Though moving on and just not having feelings for anyone isn't too hard, I admit)

 

A week or two is meaningless. Don't estimate feelings on time. It can and will drive you ludicrous trying to figure out exactly when anything should happen, or feelings should change or yadda yadda. Trust me on that, slapping time frames on stuff is the first step to an insanity you don't want to be near

[Guest Rob]

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[RpgGamer]

Here are the problems, as I see it, with trying to get out of the friend zone:

 

#1 Good [bleep]ing luck.

 

#2 If she just wants to to be friends, and you want to be lovers, then you've already established a huge inequality in the needs of the relationship. To put it simply, you "need" her, and she doesn't really need you, so even if you do manage to get to dating town, your pretty much at her mercy. A relationship where only one party is truly invested in it, is not a relationship that is built to last. If you really want the girl to be in your life, your better off as friends.

 

And that's where the needy part comes in. Anything you can do to try and get out of the friend zone is going to say, in great big neon letters, that you need her.

Move on.

 

My original plan was to wait another week or two, and see if she changes her mind. I won't do anything to try to get her to change her mind, I'll just keep talking to her like I normally do and see if she randomly decides she likes me or something.

 

Scenario A: She decides she likes me. We can have a relationship, and I've done nothing to seem needy, since all that I've done is talk to her like I did normally.

Scenario B: She decides she doesn't like me. I haven't wasted any time, and things aren't too awkward for us, so we continue to be friends.

 

Anything I'm missing there? I'm just trying to not give up as quickly as possible, because there's really not many people around where I live. If I decide things won't work out with this girl, it'll be a few months before I find someone else who I'll consider dating, just because of the shortage of people around where I live. So moving on to someone else can be a challenge. (Though moving on and just not having feelings for anyone isn't too hard, I admit)

 

A week or two is meaningless. Don't estimate feelings on time. It can and will drive you ludicrous trying to figure out exactly when anything should happen, or feelings should change or yadda yadda. Trust me on that, slapping time frames on stuff is the first step to an insanity you don't want to be near

 

So either give up now, or wait until my own feelings change/decide it's a waste of time?

 

no, i just think setting a time limit on things is a wonky way of going about your buisness

[Sam]

Another message from Ellen... argh.

 

yes i do miss you. no, that wasn't drunk talk. yes, i messed up the best relationship i've ever had and because of what, everyone kept on having a go at me for being with you, my mum keeps on at me saying different things say she doesnt like you then she does. [her best friend] and just random people kept on at me. but it doesnt matter because whenever i did break up with you, you never fought for us. i was always the one to run back to you. i never gave up on you.

[Giordano]

Another message from Ellen... argh.

 

yes i do miss you. no, that wasn't drunk talk. yes, i messed up the best relationship i've ever had and because of what, everyone kept on having a go at me for being with you, my mum keeps on at me saying different things say she doesnt like you then she does. [her best friend] and just random people kept on at me. but it doesnt matter because whenever i did break up with you, you never fought for us. i was always the one to run back to you. i never gave up on you.

If I remember correctly:

 

You broke up

She came back

You broke up again

She's sorry?

 

People sometimes are so stupid I swear. :rolleyes: You know what to do, right Sam?

[Sam]

Gonna do what's best for me.

[Crocefisso]

Gonna do what's best for me.

It's not like Ellen can seem to decide what's best for her.

[Skill_Caster]

*chime*'s in.

 

The friendzone - I used to be the long-running mayor a few years ago. This article is what helped, I suggest you give a read Rob:

 

http://www.cad-forums.com/showthread.php?t=52290

[RpgGamer]

*chime*'s in.

 

The friendzone - I used to be the long-running mayor a few years ago. This article is what helped, I suggest you give a read Rob:

 

http://www.cad-forum...ead.php?t=52290

 

I actually quite like that post

[Iamdan]

Mmm hmm

 

In high school you can sometimes get away with it, but otherwise you basically need to start attracting her, and touching her as soon as you meet her. Otherwise she won't start to think of you as a potential suiter and trying something later will just surprise her and make things weird.

 

I've gotten out of the friend zone, and while It's not an exact science, basically the first step is moving on. Not by waiting and hoping, but going after new women and forgetting about her. It takes time.

[Guest Rob]

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[Tim]

and touching her as soon as you meet her.

 

I'll be honest, the first image to mind when I read that was someone grabbing a boob.

[RpgGamer]

and touching her as soon as you meet her.

 

I'll be honest, the first image to mind when I read that was someone grabbing a boob.

 

that should get the message across, yea

[RpgGamer]

Things have turned in my life, in both good and bad. I have a smile on my face, and a little thing in the back of my head saying "TOLD YOU YOU'RE AN IDIOT" but I've decided to pursue an actual relationship with the girl I've been seeing. Wish me luck boys [and girls].

[Hobgoblinpie]

Meh... I already told her I liked her. So I guess that damage is already done. Will I still come off as a stalker if I just talk to her normally without trying to push a relationship or anything?

 

Depends. How gushy were you in explaining your emotions? i.e. was it:

 

'I've felt like I've been in love with you forever, everytime I see you, my heart beats faster, I love you like the Earth needs the moon'

 

or more like:

 

'I have feelings for you with transcend friendship'

 

If it's the first one, I wish you luck talking to her. If it's the second one, just don't say anything that might indicate you still feel the same way about her. If you don't at least ACT like you've moved on, then she isn't going to want to hang around with you anymore, because she will assume that you're still lusting after her in your head. Which, you may be, but don't make it obvious.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is: TRY TO MOVE ON MENTALLY

[Guest Rob]

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[Hobgoblinpie]

It was more like "I like you, and was wondering if you felt the same way at all"

 

Okay then, that doesn't sound too bad. Leave it a week or two, then talk to her and explain that it was more interest to see if anything could happen between you two, rather than a deep lust. That way, you wont appear needy or tied to her emotionally. Definitely don't try to start something again with her.