"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[iamcoool11]

Dear all-mighty relationship gods,

 

I have a problem. But before I can tell you that story, I have to tell you this one . . .

 

My name is Andrew. I go to an extremely small school (300 students for 6-12). I am a bookish, fairly popular kid, but I only joined this school my freshman year. The school used to be K-12, but just over the summer they cut the elementary program. This means most of the students were at this school for a fairly long time. There is a big focus on community, so everyone is at least aquatinted with everyone else. On the whole, it's a very welcoming place.

 

The problem lies here: in my (relatively) small group of close friends, which means, four or five people, there is a girl I am convinced I am in love with.

 

Now, I understand, high school love is stupid, when I'm older, I won't care, blah blah blah. But I am extremely inexperienced in romantic situations. Hell, I only became socially adequate last year. And I swear, she is the only person I've ever met who I felt this way for.

 

The real problem is, in such a small school, word travels faster than sound. I don't want my social life in tatters already. Also, she is one of my few close friends, and, knowing me, I would screw up my first relationship so badly that we couldn't talk anymore. She has already had several bad relationships, and I don't want to be another regret for her. Will someone please tell me my fears are unbased?

[Range_This11]

You're thinking too hard. If you like her, talk to her and try to work something out. Don't worry about being another bad relationship for her. Some work, some don't, and a lot of times there's nothing you can really do about it. If you worry about messing things up and doing the wrong thing you're going to drive yourself crazy to the point where you do do something wrong. Relax and be cool about it.

[Randox]

You're thinking too hard. If you like her, talk to her and try to work something out. Don't worry about being another bad relationship for her. Some work, some don't, and a lot of times there's nothing you can really do about it. If you worry about messing things up and doing the wrong thing you're going to drive yourself crazy to the point where you do do something wrong. Relax and be cool about it.

It's easier said than done, but he has a point. Love is not a science, and if you over think it, your just going to drive yourself insane.

 

I went to a small school during my last few years, where just about everyone else had known each other since forever. Dating wasn't common, but I think that was mostly because it was small enough that people just weren't interested in each other that way. Also, just about everyone had friends in other schools, so several people were already in relationships with people outside their school peer group.

 

But I would say go for it. Just don't go into things worrying about what is going to happen if you two break up. I'd say that's a fairly sure way to make sure the bottom does drop out of your relationship. The other thing, is that if your worried about making this another bad relationship for her, that's a pretty good sign that you won't. The kind of people who turn relationships really bad don't care enough to worry about things like that. The other thing I will point out, if your worried about the friendship, is that if you have feelings for her and never pursue them, you will go nuts, and eventually your going to lose the ability to hide it, and when that happens your friendship will probably end. You don't want to torture yourself by hiding your feelings, and you don't want to go down the road of what could have been. The sooner you act, the better your chances are.

 

Good luck :)

[iamcoool11]

Thanks so much for replying. I have a different problem, however. I have no idea what do for a date. Last year, one of my problems was I didn't know what was considered appropriate for middle schoolers. I assume some of the same rules would apply in ninth grade. So, do I ask to go to a movie, or what? By the way, the first snow just fell here in Saint Paul, so that rules out most outdoor activities, I guess.

[TTanT]

Thanks so much for replying. I have a different problem, however. I have no idea what do for a date. Last year, one of my problems was I didn't know what was considered appropriate for middle schoolers. I assume some of the same rules would apply in ninth grade. So, do I ask to go to a movie, or what? By the way, the first snow just fell here in Saint Paul, so that rules out most outdoor activities, I guess.

 

Not a movie. Movies suck for early dates, period.

 

Why? Because as any of the gurus from this topic will tell you, you and your date don't actually get to know each other/ have anything happen during a movie.

 

Go for dinner, just have her over, have a snowball fight, make a snowman, do anything creative and fun.

If your date idea is unique then that'll make you more unique in ehr eyes and thus improve your chances. Heck, one of my early dates with my girlfriend was us going to the dollar tree, buying glo-swords, and duking it out in my backyard (in February in mud muck and ice) with them. It was as fun as heck, and we were both freezing afterwards and thus were snuggling once we were back inside. :thumbup:

 

Just don't take her to a movie. That doesn't get you anywhere.

[Kaida23]

I'd have to agree that a movie is a bad idea for a first date. Snow doesn't necessarily rule out anything outdoors. If it's not too cold, dinner and a nice walk though a light snow can be very romantic. :thumbup:

[Formerly_Deathknell]

I'd have to agree that a movie is a bad idea for a first date. Snow doesn't necessarily rule out anything outdoors. If it's not too cold, dinner and a nice walk though a light snow can be very romantic. :thumbup:

 

If it's too cold for outdoors, maybe you should try the backdo...

 

erm, nevermind before I catch a suspension. :P

[iamcoool11]

I'd have to agree that a movie is a bad idea for a first date. Snow doesn't necessarily rule out anything outdoors. If it's not too cold, dinner and a nice walk though a light snow can be very romantic. :thumbup:

 

I don't remember if I expressed this, but I get the strong feeling that being too romantic would come off as somewhat creepy, especially for two, kind of geeky, ninth graders. I don't want to sound like I'm fighting your advice, but I don't want there to be too much pressure on her from the get-go.

 

EDIT:

EDIT TWO: Deleted last edit, realized it was untrue.

[TTanT]

I'd have to agree that a movie is a bad idea for a first date. Snow doesn't necessarily rule out anything outdoors. If it's not too cold, dinner and a nice walk though a light snow can be very romantic. :thumbup:

 

I don't remember if I expressed this, but I get the strong feeling that being too romantic would come off as somewhat creepy, especially for two, kind of geeky, ninth graders. I don't want to sound like I'm fighting your advice, but I don't want there to be too much pressure on her from the get-go.

 

EDIT:

EDIT TWO: Deleted last edit, realized it was untrue.

 

Well, there's a difference between a romantic setting and trying to be romantic.

 

Going out to dinner is a fine first date at any grade level, and if the walk home happens to be romantic in nature that isn't creepy on your part. What would be creepy on your part would be if you tried to make it romantic by telling her you love her or such.

 

Regardless, don't take her to a movie. The point of a first date is to get to know a girl better, and for her to get to know you better and hopefully realize how awesome you are. There's no chance for that at a movie.

 

Also girls at younger ages (aka like ninth graders) tend to like being romantic more as they have less of a hardened worldview. And keep in mind that romantic is just a word for a situation that sends butterflies through your stomach. You want her to get those butterflies around you, because that's the attraction that seals the deal.

 

 

In short: Stop overthinking it. What's something that you'd have fun doing with her, if there were no restrictions? (Okay, other than that.) Invite her to do that with you, as it'll likely be very fun.

If you constantly worry over whether you're being "too romantic" and such you're just stepping on your own toes and seeming less confident. Heck, even if you're full of cheesey one-liners, like I am, throw them out there. A lot of girls tend to find them cute/funny if they're done with humor and confidence.

[Randox]

My first real date ever was dinner at a restaurant. It worked out fairly well, without much in the way of awkward pauses or anything, but my date was also a very social and outgoing person who helped to fill in any kind of blank space. I guess ideally though, if your going to try tgo date someone, then we are going to proceed under the assumption the two of you can hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes.

 

If your looking for things you can do together that put a little bit less pressure on you for the first time, then I would consider going to see a sporting event (like a hockey game) to be something of a compromise between the almost no talking of a movie, and the constant talking of dinner. You don't have to talk full time, but you still get plenty of breaks (plus intermissions), and the game itself can provide a topic for you if you get stuck.

 

Another one I have done is skating (as in the open skates that most rinks will hold a few times per week). Assuming the two of you can skate, its something to do together, and you can talk while you do it, or even try to compete with each other for fun.

 

It doesn't have to be fancy. Just pick something that you both enjoy doing, that you can do together, and that offers some chances to get to know each other better.

[iamcoool11]

My first real date ever was dinner at a restaurant. It worked out fairly well, without much in the way of awkward pauses or anything, but my date was also a very social and outgoing person who helped to fill in any kind of blank space. I guess ideally though, if your going to try tgo date someone, then we are going to proceed under the assumption the two of you can hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes.

 

If your looking for things you can do together that put a little bit less pressure on you for the first time, then I would consider going to see a sporting event (like a hockey game) to be something of a compromise between the almost no talking of a movie, and the constant talking of dinner. You don't have to talk full time, but you still get plenty of breaks (plus intermissions), and the game itself can provide a topic for you if you get stuck.

 

Another one I have done is skating (as in the open skates that most rinks will hold a few times per week). Assuming the two of you can skate, its something to do together, and you can talk while you do it, or even try to compete with each other for fun.

 

It doesn't have to be fancy. Just pick something that you both enjoy doing, that you can do together, and that offers some chances to get to know each other better.

Hmm...

Hockey could work...

If I describe her a little, could you guys help with some conversation topics?

[Randox]

Its possible, but I have never really bothered with planning things like that out. In my experience, conversations have a way of going places on their own, so once you get things started, your normally in the clear. Now obviously things are going to bit different for you, in Grade 9 than they are going to be for me right now as a post grad, but I normally start off just asking how the other persons day went. Since I go to University, I ask how their classes are going. Showing interest in the other person is always good. People love to talk about themselves, and things that interest them (which is why you should date people with similar interests). It's a really good way to get someone to open up, and of course, showing interest in her is bonus points.

 

Now, for you its not going to work quite the same way. I imagine you two share a lot, if not all your classes (or if you aren't in the same class, you probably have the exact same subjects and teachers in a school that size), so that's not going to work as well. My point is if you ask her what she's learning about right now, she's going to wonder just what [bleep]ing planet you live on.

 

Try as I might, I actually can't remember any of my other conversation starters. Hell, I can't even remember how I met my first date (I remember where though. I met them at bandcamp :thumbsup:). I think they invited me to sit with them and their friends though. That same thing happens when I try to remember how I make friends. At every camp I have ever gone to, I've made a friend the first day, normally by lunch time. I still don't have a clue how I do/did it. It would make my life a nice bit easier if I did though. I find meeting people is all about finding an excuse to talking about them, then hoping/pushing the conversation to move beyond whatever trivial thing you used to start it.

 

But I am drifting away from the problem at hand. I'm drawing a blank for general ideas for you, because in all honesty, I don't really have a clue what 14 year old'd talk about anymore. I'm willing to bet its not school though. Unless its about how much you hate it/some teacher/homework.

 

So sure, post a bit about her and her interests, and maybe I can come up with something better.

[iamcoool11]

Its possible, but I have never really bothered with planning things like that out. In my experience, conversations have a way of going places on their own, so once you get things started, your normally in the clear. Now obviously things are going to bit different for you, in Grade 9 than they are going to be for me right now as a post grad, but I normally start off just asking how the other persons day went. Since I go to University, I ask how their classes are going. Showing interest in the other person is always good. People love to talk about themselves, and things that interest them (which is why you should date people with similar interests). It's a really good way to get someone to open up, and of course, showing interest in her is bonus points.

 

Now, for you its not going to work quite the same way. I imagine you two share a lot, if not all your classes (or if you aren't in the same class, you probably have the exact same subjects and teachers in a school that size), so that's not going to work as well. My point is if you ask her what she's learning about right now, she's going to wonder just what [bleep]ing planet you live on.

 

Try as I might, I actually can't remember any of my other conversation starters. Hell, I can't even remember how I met my first date (I remember where though. I met them at bandcamp :thumbsup:). I think they invited me to sit with them and their friends though. That same thing happens when I try to remember how I make friends. At every camp I have ever gone to, I've made a friend the first day, normally by lunch time. I still don't have a clue how I do/did it. It would make my life a nice bit easier if I did though. I find meeting people is all about finding an excuse to talking about them, then hoping/pushing the conversation to move beyond whatever trivial thing you used to start it.

 

But I am drifting away from the problem at hand. I'm drawing a blank for general ideas for you, because in all honesty, I don't really have a clue what 14 year old'd talk about anymore. I'm willing to bet its not school though. Unless its about how much you hate it/some teacher/homework.

 

So sure, post a bit about her and her interests, and maybe I can come up with something better.

 

Alright, I'll just throw out things as they come into my head.

She's...humanitarian, hangs out with geeks, but she really hangs out with everyone. Uhh, she's really pretty, wears glasses, as far as I've heard she's Lutheran (I'm ex-Lutheran, now atheist), she has gone out with a few other geeks, she's a total theater nerd (me too, we just finished a school play together, so we could talk about that), umm, she's a girl... that's all I know about her, really. Can you come up with anything?

[Randox]

Well, anything about religion or humanitarianism wouldn't be my top pics for conversation on a first date, unless your both really into that kind of thing. If the conversation does go there, just don't argue.

 

Umm.

 

I think you nailed it with the theatre honestly. I'm not really into that, so I can't get specific, but if I suppose you could talk about whatever play your going to do next, or plays you would like to do, or ones you really like. Not entirely sure what you mean by geek, since that can cover a few things. If that's books, that can be a good one. If you mean like video games, that could probably work too, especially if you both just got Skyrim or something.

 

Does that help at all?

[iamcoool11]

Well, anything about religion or humanitarianism wouldn't be my top pics for conversation on a first date, unless your both really into that kind of thing. If the conversation does go there, just don't argue.

 

Umm.

 

I think you nailed it with the theatre honestly. I'm not really into that, so I can't get specific, but if I suppose you could talk about whatever play your going to do next, or plays you would like to do, or ones you really like. Not entirely sure what you mean by geek, since that can cover a few things. If that's books, that can be a good one. If you mean like video games, that could probably work too, especially if you both just got Skyrim or something.

 

Does that help at all?

Ooh, books. You definitely helped me out. I just remembered that some of our best conversations were in AP literature, about the books we were reading. THANK YOU SO MUCH, now I have to confidence to ask her out. All I need now is to decide on what do do on the date.

[Randox]

Glad you have the confidence you need to make this work out for you :D

 

Dates are so much more fun when you don't go into them totally nervous.

 

I'll leave you to decide on the location (other people might weigh in of course). If you know conversation isn't likely to be a problem, then dinner dates are really good, and they also send a very clear signal (that being 'this is a date and I want to date you'), which is also one of the very few pluses of the movie date (the other one is cuddling when watching scary movie, but your better off doing that at a house, in the dark, and not as a first date). Activity dates don't always send the 'this is a date' signal, at least not with the same clarity. But the second date should clear everything up that the first date misses so it's not a problem either way.

 

The only other thing, is when I say dinner date, I mean just the two of you at a restaurant. You get to figure out the logistics of that (how you get there, and how you get home or where you go after). Just in case you had any crazy ideas about having her to your house. You can get through at least 2 or 3 dates before there is any parent meeting I think (aside from them driving you places, if needed of course. I was lucky in that my older brother was more than happy to be my chaufer so that me and my dates never had to put up with the awkwardness of parents).

[iamcoool11]

I don't think I can thank you enough. One more question though. What would be a good restaurant for a couple of awkward ninth graders to go to that's not too expensive, but not too low class, either? Maybe... Olive Garden? I don't know.

[Randox]

My preference is Chinese/Vietnamese (same thing pretty much) restaurants. They are normally pretty reasonable in price, at least where I live. Running about 10-12 bucks (Canadian) for a combo meal, plus tip.

 

This is because I (a)really like Chinese food, and (b) because the restaurants are like, I dunno, business casual. Wear nice pants and button up shirt (not a white one, something with a couple colours at least is nice. White is to formal).

 

As a personal taste, I think Chinese/Viet is the only foriegn type cuisine that should be up for consideration for a first date, unless you know for sure what kind of food she likes. Just about everyone (I know) likes Chinese food. But say Indian is going to be a huge problem if like me, she hates the spices. I don't know for sure what olive garden is, but I think its good (unless I am totally out to lunch).

[RpgGamer]

Asian and South American foods usually run pretty cheap for their quality/quantity. I have a little Chinese place behind my house run by a Chinese national that barely speaks english. He's pretty awesome, makes me come off as more cultured, and I get shit tons of sushi for like $10. Pretty sweet deal.

 

Taco Bell is less classy, but you seriously can't beat the price of being completely satisfied for $5 per person

[iamcoool11]

Olive Garden is pretty "meh" Italian. Chinese food sounds good, though. Do they have Leean Chin in Canada? It's like Chinese fast food, but it tastes pretty good.

 

On clothing: I have black pants, khakies,and blue jeans. I have blue and white polos, white button-up, a tweed jacket, and a blue blazer. I also have some more casual clothes, but they aren't very attractive.

 

Oh boy, I just get so excited, getting advice on all I need to know from someone with more experience than me.

 

Oh, and money probably won't be a big issue, it turns out. My parents can give me about 50 or so bucks (first dates are kind if a tradition in my family, usualy I need to do some serious work to get that kind of money). So, as long as it's reasonable, how I come off is the important variable.

[Riku3220]

I don't think I can thank you enough. One more question though. What would be a good restaurant for a couple of awkward ninth graders to go to that's not too expensive, but not too low class, either? Maybe... Olive Garden? I don't know.

Chili's has a $20 for 2 deal going on. I know T.G.I. Fridays has an appetizer, meal, and dessert for $13, and Red Robin's is pretty inexpensive.

[Randox]

I'm pretty sure the only restaurant chains I actually eat at semi often are Swiss Chalet (which actually isn't a bad choice either. Everyone who eats meat likes chicken) and Mc Donalds (obviously don't go here).

 

Taking a shot in the dark on what colour I am imagining your clothes to be, I would go with the khakis and blue polo (I am assuming the khakis are some sort of tan). Polo is just as good as a button up shirt without a tie in my books.

 

And nice news about the money, though I still don't expect fine dining for a 9th Grade date (partly because your not even close to legal drinking age yet, which puts a cap on how fancy you can get anyway).

 

Honestly, for me the worst part about dates is figuring out what to wear. No one ever sorts this out for first dates (its like traditional to not do this or something I swear). Fortunately there does seem to be an accepted standard of semi-formal, which dictates that you not wear jeans, and wear a nice nice shirt (pretty much anything that is not a t-shirt, whether that T be long or short sleeved). Your also allowed a necklace if you want. Be glad your a guy in this respect. The girls have it way harder. Guys have a one dimensional sliding scale from casual to formal, where girls have at least to axis to work with lol.

[Low Levelled]

Do not take a girl to an Oriental restaurant... Do you want her to get food poisoning?

[iamcoool11]

I'm pretty sure the only restaurant chains I actually eat at semi often are Swiss Chalet (which actually isn't a bad choice either. Everyone who eats meat likes chicken) and Mc Donalds (obviously don't go here).

 

Taking a shot in the dark on what colour I am imagining your clothes to be, I would go with the khakis and blue polo (I am assuming the khakis are some sort of tan). Polo is just as good as a button up shirt without a tie in my books.

 

And nice news about the money, though I still don't expect fine dining for a 9th Grade date (partly because your not even close to legal drinking age yet, which puts a cap on how fancy you can get anyway).

 

Honestly, for me the worst part about dates is figuring out what to wear. No one ever sorts this out for first dates (its like traditional to not do this or something I swear). Fortunately there does seem to be an accepted standard of semi-formal, which dictates that you not wear jeans, and wear a nice nice shirt (pretty much anything that is not a t-shirt, whether that T be long or short sleeved). Your also allowed a necklace if you want. Be glad your a guy in this respect. The girls have it way harder. Guys have a one dimensional sliding scale from casual to formal, where girls have at least to axis to work with lol.

Alright, polo, khakis, good. But, once again, a stumbling block. I have things I absolutely cannot get out of Monday and Tuesday evenings. When should I ask her out? I feel like tuesday would be awkward, because then there would be another day of school afterwards. But I also feel if the date would be on wednsday, it would be too rushed. And sligtly related, when should I ask for her phone number? That's something that happens on the first date, right?

[Maleficus1055]

Do not take a girl to an Oriental restaurant... Do you want her to get food poisoning?

You've clearly never eaten at a good asian restaurant.