"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Kalphite]

Well, I've started hanging out with another group of friends and I've met a new girl of interest. However, seeing as I've ended up overanalyzing the crap out of every attempt at a relationship I've made that I've posted about here, I'm going to skip the massive wall of background information this time. It's looking like it's going pretty well so far, and she thinks I'm hilarious, which certainly helps lol, and I've been escalating touching a lot more easily than the last few girls I've tried with. Just going to see how this ends up, lol.

[Randox]

Honestly, girls like warning. You would probably be A-okay giving her 2 or 3 days warning at least. Ask her out on Monday for a Thursday or Friday date, and Tuesday would be no sooner than Friday I think.

 

And yes, the asking for phone numbers. This one is tricky for me since I (and most people my age) didn't have a cell back then. We just used IGN or Windows Messanger.

 

I mean for me now, the phone number normally happens when the date is arranged, partly just so people can sort out any details between the asking and the date.

 

For you, I would do this at the end of the first date. Don't ever ask during a date, because you both know its going to be super awkward if she says no, so you would pretty much be forcing her to say yes. At this point, it pretty much replaces the stereotypical good night kiss.

[RpgGamer]

Somehow I've never considered there being a dress code in dating, provided that what you're wearing is appropriate for the activity. Have i been doing it wrong for this long? [then again I'm not one to date the classier of girls, which might be why no one's really called me out on it before]

[iamcoool11]

I can see the whole thing forming in my head already. Thank you so much, all of you. I really would not be able to do this at all, if it weren't for you randox. Thank you SO MUCH.

 

I'll write again tomorrow, and tell you how the first stage went. I just want to thank you one more time, for spending so much time on my case. I should probably let you get to work on Kalphite now.

[Randox]

It's not that you can't say wear jeans on a date. Been there, done that, especially with some activities because jeans are more durable or just plain easier to clean. But for a first date, especially since it looks like its going to be a restaurant of some sort, I figure she is going to be expecting something a bit classier. Jeans might be the wrong item to pick on though, since the shirt is probably more important. Say a powder blue and white vertical stripe button up shirt (yes, I have a very specific shirt in mind here) with jeans can actually look really nice. Wear a t shirt with dress pants and you look like a dumb ass. Wear a t shirt with jeans and your one step above sweatpants. At that point it sort of looks like you don't care.

 

It does depend a bit on the people though. I mean for some people I'm sure that's perfectly acceptable/ I'm just saying jeans and a t isn't cool for people like me, or most of the people I know/am aware of.

 

EDIT: I'm probably out for the night. Iamcoool11, if you have any more questions for me in particular, just pm me on the forums. I'll check this when I get up tomorrow, so you'll probably have my answer by lunchtime your time (I am guessing a bit, but since your still awake this seems likely). Or just post it here. Whatever.

 

Good luck and have fun.

[iamcoool11]

It's not that you can't say wear jeans on a date. Been there, done that, especially with some activities because jeans are more durable or just plain easier to clean. But for a first date, especially since it looks like its going to be a restaurant of some sort, I figure she is going to be expecting something a bit classier. Jeans might be the wrong item to pick on though, since the shirt is probably more important. Say a powder blue and white vertical stripe button up shirt (yes, I have a very specific shirt in mind here) with jeans can actually look really nice. Wear a t shirt with dress pants and you look like a dumb ass. Wear a t shirt with jeans and your one step above sweatpants. At that point it sort of looks like you don't care.

 

It does depend a bit on the people though. I mean for some people I'm sure that's perfectly acceptable/ I'm just saying jeans and a t isn't cool for people like me, or most of the people I know/am aware of.

 

EDIT: I'm probably out for the night. Iamcoool11, if you have any more questions for me in particular, just pm me on the forums. I'll check this when I get up tomorrow, so you'll probably have my answer by lunchtime your time (I am guessing a bit, but since your still awake this seems likely). Or just post it here. Whatever.

 

Good luck and have fun.

What time zone are you in? I'm in central standard, but lunch is around 10:30 for me(my school starts early)

[Randox]

Atlantic Standard, which puts me 2 hours ahead of you. Almost no one lives in this time zone, so its a pretty safe bet if your still on your at least an hour behind me. Considering its now past 1am (hence why I am off to sleep right after this post), and your in Grade 9, I probably could have guessed I have a couple hours on you. I get up at 7-9am too lol. Hell, I could have an answer to you before you get up if I wanted :P

 

Night

[Flyingjj]

Did I read that right? Saint Paul? Well, then, just call me up and I'll show you a great time! :P I am kidding, but it's good to know there is another tifer near here.

 

This might be too late to help, but fancy restaurants (or at least mid-level chain restaurants like olive garden or TGI Fridays) can be expensive. Saint Paul has plenty of cheap, classy local places to eat that you can try depending on where you live. Like... Snuffy's... or Italian Pie Shoppe.... I don't really know exactly where you're at, so hard to recommend. Generally, don't go with fast food, try a local place if you've been to one before (if you've never been to a restaurant before, I would recommend not going there on a first date, could cause you to be unsure of yourself if you don't know what to expect from the restaurant.)

[iamcoool11]

Did I read that right? Saint Paul? Well, then, just call me up and I'll show you a great time! :P I am kidding, but it's good to know there is another tifer near here.

 

This might be too late to help, but fancy restaurants (or at least mid-level chain restaurants like olive garden or TGI Fridays) can be expensive. Saint Paul has plenty of cheap, classy local places to eat that you can try depending on where you live. Like... Snuffy's... or Italian Pie Shoppe.... I don't really know exactly where you're at, so hard to recommend. Generally, don't go with fast food, try a local place if you've been to one before (if you've never been to a restaurant before, I would recommend not going there on a first date, could cause you to be unsure of yourself if you don't know what to expect from the restaurant.)

My god, Snuffy's? How did I NOT think of that? That would be perfect! I live near Como lake, a few blocks from Roseville.

[TTanT]

Did I read that right? Saint Paul? Well, then, just call me up and I'll show you a great time! :P I am kidding, but it's good to know there is another tifer near here.

 

This might be too late to help, but fancy restaurants (or at least mid-level chain restaurants like olive garden or TGI Fridays) can be expensive. Saint Paul has plenty of cheap, classy local places to eat that you can try depending on where you live. Like... Snuffy's... or Italian Pie Shoppe.... I don't really know exactly where you're at, so hard to recommend. Generally, don't go with fast food, try a local place if you've been to one before (if you've never been to a restaurant before, I would recommend not going there on a first date, could cause you to be unsure of yourself if you don't know what to expect from the restaurant.)

My god, Snuffy's? How did I NOT think of that? That would be perfect! I live near Como lake, a few blocks from Roseville.

 

Oh would you look at that. Time to update my files.

[iamcoool11]

*sigh*

 

Guess what happened?

[Kaida23]

Uh oh. She said "no"? :(

[iamcoool11]

Uh oh. She said "no"? :(

Huh. Yes, actually. It was all pretty awkward. The beginning parts aren't important, what is important is that she said she didn't want to because relationships are a lot of stress, and she still wants to be friends. I guess this means, at the least, temporary delegation to the friend-zone.

 

I guess I'll be over it soon. I hope so.

[Iamdan]

I'm a bit late but for future reference, if you go to school with the girl you can afford to take your time with her. Also dinner is a bad first date imo, especially for a high schooler.

 

Next time, begin light flirting and touching at school, give her attention then take it away yada yada, but then invite her to a group thing you're doing anyway like a party.

 

That way she is much more likely to say yes because there's no pressure for romance, and no pressure if she changes her mind at the last minute. (a maybe will be a no by default to minimise awkwardness, so make it as relaxed as possible)

 

If you and her end up alone and things go well, then you can start doing things together which aren't cliche 'dates'. Play to your strengths, if you have a good body go to the beach, if you can iceskate then do that.

[Low Levelled]

^ playing to your strengths is a very good idea.

[Aten]

Uh oh. She said "no"? :(

Huh. Yes, actually. It was all pretty awkward. The beginning parts aren't important, what is important is that she said she didn't want to because relationships are a lot of stress, and she still wants to be friends. I guess this means, at the least, temporary delegation to the friend-zone.

 

I guess I'll be over it soon. I hope so.

 

I don't want to sound like a douchebag, but your situation sounds exactly like one I was in with the last girl I got rejected by. Yes, the power of hindsight is very strong, and maybe some of the gurus here will disagree with me but my first instinct was that you were going way too fast. Tell me if I'm wrong here: my impression of your friendship with her is that you guys clearly get along pretty well but you don't know each other that well. While I concur with not holding in your feelings forever (oh god... worse than getting shut down the first week in), I think you put too much pressure on her for sure. Yeah she likes hanging out with you and yeah she thinks you're a cool friend, but in her mind (definitely definitely definitely if she's had some really bad experiences before) she is not comfortable with you yet going past the friend zone. Take your time with girls like this; get to know her, learn about all her cute little quirks, the stupid pet peeves she has, etc. etc. Dinner dates don't have to end with somebody getting asked out.

 

Now, the obvious issue here is that taking too much time puts you in danger of being permanently exiled to the friend-zone ("lol does this dude even like girls I've been waiting on him to do something for years now lol he's not that serious lol time to find another guy lol") but I'm not that good with explaining this in a tangible way (cue gurus?). I think when the moment is right, you'll know it. You won't feel pressured/super embarassed or anything along those lines (a bit nervous is normal, but you won't be questioning whether or not you're doing the right thing).

 

 

But okay, now I have a question for the gurus out there. Exact same scenario as iamcoool11, but this was over a year and a half ago and well... things got pretty rough between the girl and I, we were very close friends previously but some misunderstandings really tore apart whatever we had (it wasn't me asking her out for sure, because we were still cool with each other after I did that. The situation is complicated but I messed up pretty badly, and she has a difficult past with a lot of trust issues...). I tried to fix the mess but she has bailed on basically every attempt I've made to see her in person and apologize properly. We don't live in the same city anymore, but I still think about her a lot (despite currently dating somebody, what the [bleep] am I doing...). I don't even know if I still like her romantically but my feelings were pretty strong and we'd been friends for around a year prior to me asking her out. Anyways, at the very least I'd like to be friends with her again though it just seems awkward as hell. She gives me the feeling that she never wants to talk with me again, and then she texts me once a month or so just to talk about some pointless shit. It's definitely what it was like before and I would have just gotten over her but she's giving off this air that she wants to pretend we're still friends (when it's clear we're not, not to mention our remaining loose ends are really disturbing me). What's certain is that I think about her a lot and I've already messed up one relationship since because I wasn't that serious about the girl and this one I'm in right now isn't going anywhere fast (am I a bad person for saying that I'm more concerned about a friendship that never was than a current relationship deteriorating?). Help me here, tif love gods :(

[Nekyia]

I had a big crush on a guy who was in school with me, but he had a girlfriend. And I've just recently hung out with him and found out that they broke up a couple weeks ago. My roommate says if I want any sort of serious relationship with the guy I should wait a couple of months before trying anything otherwise it'll just be a rebound for him. I talked to another guy and he said that's not true and that anything after a week or so wouldn't be a rebound. We hung out the other night and did some drinking and watched a movie and semi-cuddled on the couch. Which I would like to think is a good sign, right? I was planning on asking him if he wanted to do supper this weekend and I was going to cook it for him since he's really helped me out lately with trying to fix my car. So I was just wondering if you guys thought there were anything true about any of that rebound stuff, like should I wait a while before making any kind of move?

[Iamdan]

There is no rule about waiting x time. He may be on the rebound for a week or a year depending on the situation. It may not even matter, I started seeing my girlfriend on the rebound and we have been together over a year.

 

All you can do is ask him, and hope that he is both honest with you, and also himself.

[iamcoool11]

All righty then. Probably last question, how long should I expect to be in the friend zone, and how long should I be feeling jittery when she's around?

[Aten]

All righty then. Probably last question, how long should I expect to be in the friend zone, and how long should I be feeling jittery when she's around?

 

It's hard to give an exact time because it's different for everyone... take your time and be patient with her. Depending on how badly she was hurt in the past and how close you guys get in the coming weeks/months, it may be a while or it may be forever. Don't get too discouraged though and don't think that much about it. As people have said here already, don't overthink. It tends to make things way too complicated (counter-intuitive sometimes, especially when you're in an emotionally confusing spot... but trust me it's true). Make sure she's comfortable because if she feels rushed or pressured again, you may be pretty much screwed. Anyhow, as long as you still have feelings for her, you'll always have those butterflies but it's kind of a nice feeling :P

 

Also, I just read Iamdan's post about touching. Read into that (link is in his sig), because he gives some solid tips there.

[Low Levelled]

If you really are in the friend zone, you can expect to be there for awhile.

[iamcoool11]

All righty then. Probably last question, how long should I expect to be in the friend zone, and how long should I be feeling jittery when she's around?

 

It's hard to give an exact time because it's different for everyone... take your time and be patient with her. Depending on how badly she was hurt in the past and how close you guys get in the coming weeks/months, it may be a while or it may be forever. Don't get too discouraged though and don't think that much about it. As people have said here already, don't overthink. It tends to make things way too complicated (counter-intuitive sometimes, especially when you're in an emotionally confusing spot... but trust me it's true). Make sure she's comfortable because if she feels rushed or pressured again, you may be pretty much screwed. Anyhow, as long as you still have feelings for her, you'll always have those butterflies but it's kind of a nice feeling :P

 

Also, I just read Iamdan's post about touching. Read into that (link is in his sig), because he gives some solid tips there.

Holy crap! How did I not find his blog before!

 

I will immediately try to apply (almost) all of these to my life. (the last minute resistance stuff doesn't exactly apply to me)

[Dexek]

I had a big crush on a guy who was in school with me, but he had a girlfriend. And I've just recently hung out with him and found out that they broke up a couple weeks ago. My roommate says if I want any sort of serious relationship with the guy I should wait a couple of months before trying anything otherwise it'll just be a rebound for him. I talked to another guy and he said that's not true and that anything after a week or so wouldn't be a rebound. We hung out the other night and did some drinking and watched a movie and semi-cuddled on the couch. Which I would like to think is a good sign, right? I was planning on asking him if he wanted to do supper this weekend and I was going to cook it for him since he's really helped me out lately with trying to fix my car. So I was just wondering if you guys thought there were anything true about any of that rebound stuff, like should I wait a while before making any kind of move?

 

It doesn't depend on how long you wait, it depends on the person. It will also depend on what kind of relationship he had with the girl, and how that ended. Based on the time you mentioned that you and him have spent so far, I see no problem with inviting him over for supper. You might want to say something along the lines of "because you helped me so much with my car, I only think making you supper is the right thing to do". It also is important to question whether you want a relationship with this guy, or something less long-term, as well as what you believe he would want. Your roommate is right in the sense that, if the relationship ended a certain way, the guy might be straight up looking for a rebound and not even considering another relationship, however just the same he could be the exact opposite kind of person. It's basically up to you to differentiate the two. Obviously hanging out with him and letting things get a bit physical is no problem, but if he pressures for sex right away, you have an idea of what his focus is. If he is willing to wait, it obviously paints him a different colour. In the end it'll come down to your own discretion. Best of luck!

[iamcoool11]

Alright, I ended out coming out of this a little better than expected.

 

Here is the rundown:

She was sick yesterday

Spend all day nervous about what I will say wednesday

Approximate what I'm going to say (I realize you weren't ready for a relationship, I moved to fast, I wasn't really ready for a relationship either, still want to be friends, blah)

Tuesday night, try to talk to her on facebook, she's not on

Message her, say "can I talk to you tomorrow?"

Talk to her after first hour in the hall

Explain to her about above

She says thanks, we both walk to second hour (we have geometry together)

She says just before class starts, get this . . .

She doesn't detest me or anything, she just thinks she might be a lesbian!

Great!

Jesus, I knew she was bisexual, but this, this just sucks.

Sigh, there goes almost every chance I have in this school.

[Iamdan]

Quite a lot of highschool girls go through the 'i think I'm a lesbian' stage.

Holy crap! How did I not find his blog before!

 

I will immediately try to apply (almost) all of these to my life. (the last minute resistance stuff doesn't exactly apply to me)

I hope it helps.