Today...

[Hedgehog]

Oh man, that's rough. Sorry to hear that

[Kalphite]

Sorry about your loss Saq :/

 

I'm about to go see Animal collective tonight. I've been waiting for this since Merriweather Post Pavilion came out when I was in 9th grade so sufficient to say I'm pretty [bleep]ing hype for this, even if their last few albums haven't been as great.

[Estonian dude]

Funeral tomorrow.

 

Don't know how I'm gonna react there.

[Horatio]

I think I would prefer quarterly academic terms over semesters. I'm always really excited and ready to learn at the beginning of every semester, but by the end I lose interest in most of my classes and study poorly, if at all for my finals. I'm sure the same thing would happen with quarters, but I think it would be less pronounced if I took fewer classes with a higher frequency. I feel like I'd be a little more motivated to push myself through something I'm not that into if I knew I only had like 2 months left after the beginning of the term had passed and the novelty had died down. I'd also be able to focus more intensely on classes I'm more interested in because I wouldn't have as much unique stuff to distract me. If I had to guess, I'd say that ultimately it probably wouldn't make that big of a difference in my life either way. I'm sure I'd be anti-quarter if that's what my school used.

[champion]

I'm on a quarter system. Overall I like it and I think I'd prefer it over semesters, for basically how Horatio described. But yeah midterms happen like all the [bleep]ing time so I think it's more stressful on the day to day.

[Skull]

I've been in my new place a week now (a week yesterday technically).  Still no internet, although there's an unsecured network I can sporadically pick up sch as right now.

 

Should be getting our own internet Tuesday morning.

[Veiva]

The last few days I've been taking a hard look at myself and I'm not sure how to describe it. I wonder if there's some horrible cliff I'm moving towards, or one I've already stepped over. My greatest fear is entering a perpetual nightmare--metaphorically or literally.

 

My social/political views are so far to the left (in the general sense) it's ... disconcerting, when compared to the social/political views of the extremists (current and historic). The media I truly value (music/literature/film) is... all around dark. My philosophy is unmistakably nihilistic. I battle with delusions, paranoid thinking, and uncertain visual phenomena, which results in conflicting thought processes co-existing: a terrifying, inward one that completely accepts the sickness and a pseudo-normal, outward one that completely rejects the sickness.

 

I fear it's more becoming more obvious in my day-to-day life. Anger, fear, or sadness are always present and positive emotions are fleeting. I believe I've been obsessing over certain things--certain poetry and prose and their authors, privacy and security, among others. The discussions/conversations (mostly online) I involve myself feel bizarre, and pointless, if I take a step back, and my contributions are odd and out-of-place.

 

There was a period I was receiving help, but I feel it was useless. Any positive benefits of the medication were overshadowed by the negative symptoms (sleeping issues, lethargy, and the beginning of certain involuntary muscle movements), and the professional was antagonistic to my worldview (overly religious) and also completely ignorant about me. The therapists I saw were overworked and I feel they did not have the specific experience with psychosis. Even worse, I believe my last therapist is a pawn, or even an agent, of the greater forces that manipulate this world. It's frustrating because she was the only professional who has ever actually listened.

 

I could try a different provider, given I have Medicare and Medicaid, but there's not much choice and with the pervasive authority of medication as a panacea--regardless of its effectiveness or the side effects--and prior experience with mental health professionals, I'd rather not. But I don't even have anyone I can look towards for advice or guidance. I appear normal to those I interact with (extended family, neighbors), and it's no place for me to burden my brother.

 

It's just a mess. I can't even trust myself.

[Lower Levelled]

We care for you

[Estonian dude]

I've had 2 friends commiting suicide, because "they didn't want to burden their close ones". To one I went to the funeral this Saturday.

That's the worst excuse ever. You only make it worse by not talking to your close ones about it.

[Tesset]

What I've heard time and again from people dealing with mental illness is that you have to try therapists/doctors/whatever until you find one that works for you and your situation. Mental illness is different from physical illness because the personalization for treatment needs to be higher, so the demand to find someone who actually works for you is a lot higher.

 

That being said, I recognize there's a lot of energy/time/monetary constraints that work against the "try everyone" theory, so take this advice as you will.

 

I do agree with Ring above, though, in saying that it's entirely possible, and I would go so far as to say likely, that your brother is also dealing with some kind of mental illness. If you can work together to deal with your symptoms, that can definitely help both of you.

[Veiva]

 

There was a period I was receiving help, but I feel it was useless. Any positive benefits of the medication were overshadowed by the negative symptoms (sleeping issues, lethargy, and the beginning of certain involuntary muscle movements), and the professional was antagonistic to my worldview (overly religious) and also completely ignorant about me. The therapists I saw were overworked and I feel they did not have the specific experience with psychosis. Even worse, I believe my last therapist is a pawn, or even an agent, of the greater forces that manipulate this world. It's frustrating because she was the only professional who has ever actually listened.

 

Out of curiosity I got some questions about the people you were receiving help from. 

 

How do you think the professionals you've dealt with would react if you told them exactly what you just told us.

 

The other question I have is about what you said about your therapist. When you say shes a pawn of greater forces that manipulate the world, what is the context behind that? I couldn't make sense of that because I couldn't figure out what its eluding to.

 

 

As far as your brother, I think if he is 16 or older you should be more open about yourself with him for yours and perhaps strangely enough for his sake. Because imagine this, he is entering adulthood and starts experiencing the same symptoms as you and probably would feel like he can't express it to anyone.

 

But for the rest of your problems I'm sorry to hear that. I wish I knew some advice that could help but I'm afraid I dont know any for your situation. I will say that I hope that you become less socially isolated and that you receive aid in managing your psychosis.

 

The one responsible for medication management (i.e., the overly religious one) ignored my concerns and complaints. When discussing side effects, she'd appear to listen, but when I asked what could be done, she said "What exactly are the side effects?" The therapists being overworked (resulting in minimal appointment times and causing 2+ week delays if I couldn't make an appointment) isn't something they can solve, either...

 

I don't like talking about these greater forces. It's very complicated and I'm unable to ignore the fear and anxiety from discussing them. All I can say is imagine pervasive, cosmic forces that embody "natural evil".

 

My brother is four years younger and knows what's wrong--overall he knows only somewhat less than the professionals I've discussed it with. He gets noticeably distressed (i.e., he tells me), and at the end of the day, talking doesn't help and in certain cases is worse.

 

edit: and to be clear I'm not thinking about ending my own life. I'm far too risk-adverse to even think about it, even at my lowest points. It's not going to happen. (@ Saq, and others)

Edited May 9, 2016 by Veiva

[RpgGamer]

Veiva, you surround yourself with nihilism, dark art (like art not magic lol) and secluded yourself and wonder why happiness is fleeting? Happiness and other positive feelings are like plants, you need to tend to them for them to flourish. No listening to happier music and reading vapid novels will not make you happy. But finding things to have a more direct positive influence on your life will over time. I was a moody angst mess when I was 18ish and likewise mostly kept to myself, feeling alone and abandoned, spending my time listening to sad and angry music...but I started looking at the brighter things in life, people who smile genuinely and wondered how that was possible. Well, it's a commitment and no one is ever truly happy all the time, but I have a great appreciation for my now dulled angstyness due to finding positive influences around me and letting them affect me to better myself

[Kalphite]

I'm about 3 weeks out of school at this point and holy [bleep] i have no idea what to do with myself for these next three months until I move to Seattle and my real job starts lol. I've been pretty diligent about exercising regularly at least but I have no clue what to do with the rest of my days aside from random times when friends can hang out. Like I feel like I should try to put a routine together to work on more my hobbies more for the last time I have an extended block of time to do so but I'm so close to going back to some shitty fast food job just to kill some hours in the day. It's given me time to start reading a lot more at least which I'm happy about but I just hate spending this much time in front of a computer if I'm not getting anything productive out of it.

[MuffinMaddy]

Going to sound a bit crazy but I've only just read up on what I need to do in preparation for the last year of my degree and it's just hit me how little time I have left as an undergraduate student.

 

It's going to go so quickly and I've just been calculating how many hours a week I need to spend in the lab and it does make me want to facedesk to be honest. In my first year of university I did spend a hell of a lot of time in the lab, and I actually quite liked it, but in second year that time decreased quite a bit.

 

I won't forget losing 5% for my grade for turning up a few hours late oops, but I need to spend 150 hours in the lab next year. In Canada I didn't pick any lab courses because I didn't want to buy another lab coat (because cheapskates r us) but yeah I feel like a baby again in terms of carrying out experiments

[Bonez899]

So umm, I just did the same thing with high school when I realized that I only had another 2ish months before I have to begin taking on more adult responsibilities.

[RpgGamer]

I bought a lab coat at a thrift shop for Halloween last year for $3. It's almost exactly like my real one now that I'm a lab tech. It just doesn't have a company name or pocket slit's.

 

As for Kalphite, why not go on a road trip? I wish I had 3 months leading into a real job to kill. I'd microbrew tour the shit out of this country.

[MuffinMaddy]

Also your advice has been on point with regards to my love life because since blocking everyone negative out I feel so so so much better. I'm in a really good frame of mind.

 

I think accepting I made a poor decision and dated a loser has really helped me feel better. I'm not slamming him any more than that, just not being disappointed anymore feels really good. Now that I've just accepted he's just not a nice person it's easier to just feel at peace with how nastily things went down.

 

I also wrote out a time line of my struggles with mental illness and I have noticed I've been at least mildly depressed since I was about 14. It started from little things like having to get into groups for activities and always being left out. I've been in a good mood, it was just as a point of interest. Detailing my journey wasn't painful, it was just a good way to see how much I've improved (even when my mood swings were at their most intense) I need to find a hobby until I move to Italy but in the mean time I might get back into dancing to be honest.

 

Planning to come back to campus for the last week, see friends before they graduate and I want my dancing skills to be on point. Happy I have a few more never have I ever stories for drinking games from Canada though lol.

 

Even talking about this makes me so excited to see my friends again but they have exams so I have to wait :(

[RpgGamer]

Glad you're feeling better. Blocking the negative (or just stupid) influences in life helped me a great deal, I'm happy it helped you too :thumbsup:

[Tesset]

Why the [bleep] does java not have some sort of balanced binary search tree in java.util. I know why, I looked it up, but it's really annoying, I don't want to implement one, what the heck.

[Tesset]

That's a good point to keep in mind, actually. I'll have to remember that next time I'm wanting a binary tree. I needed a dynamic size in this case, but I've had other cases where I just forgot about search and sort algorithms with decent efficiency.

 

I ended up finding a solution though, so I'm cool with it for now.

[Hedgehog]

http://docs.oracle.com/javase/7/docs/api/java/util/TreeMap.html?

[RpgGamer]

I'm going to blame all the rain recently, but it's been impossible to get out of bed on time lately, even when going to bed early

[Tesset]

http://docs.oracle.com/javase/7/docs/api/java/util/TreeMap.html?

Yeah, that's what I used, I just didn't want to because I didn't need the map half of it, and honestly it's dumb that there's not a version of this that doesn't have it.

[Hedgehog]

How desperately do you need logarithmic indexing? Most of the time, a linked list works fine, especially when you have to insert more often than you need to search

[Estonian dude]

I'm going to blame all the rain recently, but it's been impossible to get out of bed on time lately, even when going to bed early

I blame the [bleep]ing sun. Can't remember such hot days here in the north before. I have been sleeping naked on the floor the last few days since it has been too [bleep]ing hot here, even with all the windows open n stuff.