Grief, and Coping.

[Serpent Eye]

[hide=Disclaimer]I am hoping that this is dissimilar enough from the topic "The Greatest Grief" to warrant it's own seperate topic. Please lock/delete accordingly if it isn't.[/hide]

 

 

 

Earlier this evening, Friday, January 9th, I received a phone call while I was at work. It was from my older brother. Sadly, and much to all of our surprise, our grandmother -- my mother's mother -- passed away around 8:30PM. I myself am unsure of all of the details, but my older sister was told by various family members that my grandmother had previously commented on what a nice day she had had. She was very tired, and laid down to take a nap, and passed peacefully.

 

 

 

This is only the second death in my family that I have experienced personally. My grandfather -- my father's father -- passed away roughly a year ago. Although I was very upset by his sudden passing, it (sadly on my part, perhaps) didn't have such a profound effect on me as my grandmother's passing did. Perhaps it was due to the fact that my immediate family didn't often visit my dad's parents... I'm not sure. All of our family gather's took place with my mother's family, and we were all so proud of our grandparents.

 

 

 

I completely lost it at work. I was filled with such an overwhelming feeling of grief and sadness, and strangely enough, a sense of anger. I and the rest of my mom's family (my grandparents had seven children, all of whom married, and had at least two children of their own... some of whom have children of their own now... needless to say, my mother's side of the family is... huge) all live on the West Coast; they all live in California.

 

 

 

My anger was caused not only by the sudden loss of my grandmother, but by the fact that my mom lives in South Carolina, clear on the opposite side of the country. It angered me and saddened me further that she couldn't be with her brother and sisters, after they had just lost their mother. On top of this, I was somewhat angry because my sister is very far into her first pregnancy, and is completely unable to travel such a great distance this far in.

 

 

 

I suppose, to make a long story short, my point is... how do you all cope and deal with grief? Have you found that the emotions you experience vary depending on how strong your relationship was with the person you lost? Do you, too, suffer anger on top of sadness and dispair?

 

 

 

I feel somewhat better now, as I forced myself to stay at my work, and being focused on that helped me to calm down and get my feelings sorted out. But I know I'll feel like crap tomorrow again... and am just looking for advice from my fellow TIFers.

 

 

 

Thank you all!

[pryomancer]

You shouldn't be too sad. What I think is that it isn't so terrible when an old person dies, they've had a full, whole lifetime and now it's just their time to go. You should celebrate your grandmother's life, what she has achieved and how she affected all of those she knew etc.

 

Obviously it will take time to get over her passing, but you shouldn't (in my opinion) be totally devastated, death is inevitable.

[Rebdragon]

Just let it wash over you and take it's course. Being in denial/forcing "happiness" merely delays the inevitable, with interest.

[Serpent Eye]

Thank you both for your replies.

 

 

 

Pyromancer - I'm not crazy devastated. I was just overwhelmed with all of these emotions at once. Like I said, this is only the second time I've dealt with a death in the family, and the first time that I've been affected this much. I think of my grandmother and I smile, because she brought everyone such joy. I'm definently going to remember her for what a great life she lived, and what a huge, crazy, loud and loving family she started!

 

 

 

Rebdragon - Thank you. I've kind of accepted it now. And I wouldn't dream of trying to force myself to be happy. I was just hoping to help ease the pain somewhat.. I'll try to let it all wash over me though, and just go with where my emotions lead me.

[evil_mumm_ra]

honestly, i just sort of ignore it. granted i haven't experienced a death close to me since i was young. but i've also desensitized a lot since then. my grandpa's death hit me hard like 11 years ago, i just kinda let things pass and don't really show outward sadness. everyone has their own ways of dealing with it.

[Ginger_Warrior]

You just have to remember three things:

 

 

 

1) Your grandmother passed away peacefully, without any pain, having clearly lived a very content life. She also went in the knowledge that she loved you, and you loved her.

 

2) It doesn't matter if your mother and your sister aren't there physically, so long as you all know their thoughts are with the rest of the family. It's the thought that counts, actually being there is just a formality. Make sure she keeps on the phone, talking to her relatives and stuff, so they get the support they need off each other.

 

3) Of course how you feel about someone dying depends on your connection to that person. When it comes to your granddad, there isn't a "right" or "wrong" way to feel, just let whatever you feel about it run naturally.

 

 

 

The fact you've posted about it on here asking for advice probably shows you're dealing with this well anyway, so don't feel guilty about it.

 

 

 

As far as I personally am concerned, I've experienced all but one of my grandparents dying, and I've experienced my mum dying, and yeah obviously I felt more about my mum than I did about any of the others. I suppose that did make me feel like I was "wrong" because they were all relatives and they were all human, but I had to accept that 'I feel because it's natural to feel that way', if that makes sense.

 

 

 

As a Man Utd, the Munich air disaster will always make me feel strongest anyway. :lol:

[Aijiru]

Almost everything I wanted to say has been already said. Don't let your loss detain you of doing anything: try to keep your daily routine and maybe find someone to go out in your spare time, as being busy and/or with people usually stops you of overthinking about what happened and helps relieving anguish and sadness. Talk with your family if you need it, it would help you a lot in accepting your grandma's death, but don't force yourself to talk if you don't feel like that; sometimes you just need to keep things to yourself until you're prepared to face them.

 

 

 

As Ginger said, she had the best of deaths possible: she passed away while sleeping, without feeling any pain. Right now it seems horrible, but in a couple of months you'll be looking back and remembering all the good times you had with her. Trust me ;).

 

 

 

(For the record, I'm 19, lost my father at 14. I know how you are feeling)

[IGoddessI]

How do you deal with grief? By doing what you're doing now. Talking about it. If anybody tries to tell you to be quiet or says it's not really worth mentioning, ignore them. They aren't the people you need to be listening to. You wrote the article so you obviously want someone to talk to about it, or for someone to listen. Being angry is normal, guilt is also normal. Actually while experiencing grief, all sorts of feelings are normal to go through. Blame is even normal. The most important thing we can do for you right now is to let you express yourself the way you need to and encourage you to talk about your feelings. Be careful though because a forum isn't the best place to do it. Some people are going to say some pretty screwed up things that aren't called for. If you want someone to talk to or to even listen to you, feel free to message me or to ask for my MSN. I don't mind listening to stories of what you and your grandma used to get up to or the things you remember her by. This is all I needed to help me through my own grief of losing a loved one. Finding someone who would let me talk to them about the things I remembered them for and telling me it was okay to talk about them. Obviously not everybody deals with grief by talking about it, there are people who don't like talking and are very secretive. However, I'm pretty certain that this is what you're looking for, by reading your very descriptive post. A person doesn't write descriptively about something they're not passionate about and want to talk about. You may find that many people are too scared to listen to you, once they hear you are dealing with a lost loved one, they will change the subject, try to steer you to positivity, or ignore it completely. So I'm offering you an ear and some time.

[Serpent Eye]

I'm so exhausted from that entire ordeal yesterday, and from a terribly chaotic night at work tonight. Being the case, I must admit that I'm too lazy to quote and reply to each and every one of you. :?

 

 

 

Still, I read each and every one of your posts, and really do appreciate the concern.

 

 

 

I think I was honestly just... I can't explain it. It just came so suddenly last night. I was in the middle of a crazy night at work, and this just broke me down. Talking to my sister and mother on the phone didn't help me calm down much either, as it just added to my tears.

 

 

 

I woke up today feeling quite better, actually. Naturally I'm still sad over the loss of my grandmother, but I'm not nearly as distraught as I was yesterday. I've had the night to think it over and to absorb things. I'm not going to be, um, scarred from this I guess. Although I'll be sad from time to time, I'll definently be back to my old self within a week. I'm traveling to California Monday morning, attending her funeral Tuesday afternoon, and driving back home Wednesday afternoon. My mom is flying to California from South Carolina, so I'm very happy that she'll be able to connect with her family face-to-face in her moment of grief. More tears will be shed, no doubt as soon as I see my mom (I haven't seen her since February of last year to being with) but we'll all work through it as a happy, huge family.

 

 

 

Again, thank you all for your very kind words of encouragement! I will do my best to make sure that I keep my grandmother's memory alive and well within me!

 

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

 

(Not to single anyone out, and to put one persons advice above the other's, but thank you, IGoddessI.)

[Demeige]

We're all going to lose loved ones at one point or another. It's always a hard thing to go through, and many people will sympathize with you.

 

 

 

Good luck and I hope you feel better.

 

 

 

=(

[killerbeer0]

Celebrate the life lived rather than the life lost. It wont be easy any way you look at it, but thinking of it this way might help.

[Zierro]

Just remember that life goes on and you should be fine. Sorry if I sound insensitive, but that's how I cope with grief. Time heals all wounds.

[IGoddessI]

Soo.. What was she like?

[deloriagod]

Take it from me, don't turn to an emotional crutch when something bad happens. It helps for a while but the pain is still there when you come back.

[l0rd]

It happens.

 

 

 

I feel like I should be more sad when someone close to me dies, (have had 3). But I really don't feel grief. I miss them, and I honor them, and think about them. But I don't feel grief.

 

 

 

When my mother dies though, I assume I will go into an inevitable state of depression for a while. Even if she passes in the best and most ideal of circumstances.

[whiteguy]

I'll say what i have never said to anyone (yay for Anon)

 

 

 

 

 

My grandfather and an uncle passed away about 3 months ago, and my grandma is dying very soon, but i have never ever felt anything, and i saw them on the funerary.

 

 

 

Nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

I feel bad about it every time i think about it, it makes my feel heartless and stupid for that. I mean, everyonewas crying or something, and i was standing there with a "meh" face trying to do something.

 

 

 

 

 

It's terrible.

[Serpent Eye]

Soo.. What was she like?

 

 

 

Hm... it's quite hard to sum it up...

 

 

 

Our family (my entire extended family... it's quite expansive, as I said earlier) has always been huge on family gatherings. While my grandparents still lived in their original house, all of the gatherings occured there. They stayed in that house until my mom and her sisters and brothers were well into their 40s-60s. Anyhow, we were always just... around them. Most all of my memories of my family take place at my grandma and grandpa's house. Holidays and birthdays and other special events.

 

 

 

My grandma and grandpa were always so proud of the family that they had started, and we were equally proud of what amazing parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents they were. My grandma had such a loving heart, and she was quite fiesty at times! She didn't have any huge quirks or traits that made her stand out, necessarily. She was just a huge part of our family.

 

 

 

Like I said, I can't really sum it up >.>

 

 

 

I feel bad about it every time i think about it, it makes my feel heartless and stupid for that. I mean, everyonewas crying or something, and i was standing there with a "meh" face trying to do something.

 

 

 

It's terrible.

 

 

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. I think what you felt (or, didn't feel) is quite normal.

 

 

 

I came home from work bawling my eyes out after I was told the news. I walked into the door, and my older brother was sitting on the couch, playing Bioshock. He looked at me and said, "Hey." And... that was it. He dealt with being sad by... not showing that he was sad.

 

 

 

Granted, he may have really BEEN feeling sadness inside... I don't know. But not everyone expresses grief the same, I suppose.

[ThurinEthir]

Time heals all wounds.

 

There are some things time cannot mend...Some hurts that go too deep. ;)

 

 

 

 

Granted, he may have really BEEN feeling sadness inside... I don't know. But not everyone expresses grief the same, I suppose.

 

Perhaps playing video games helped him get his mind off it - That's true for me.

 

The last time someone close to me died, I ended up doing math. Not only because he was a math genius, but also because it took my mind off it while it sunk in. (...And because I had a math test)

 

As long as you don't hold on and stay in denial, it should be fine. I will agree with Zierro on this, life goes on. While mourning is by no means a bad thing, you eventually have to let go.

 

"You cannot always be torn in two. You will have to be one and whole for many years. You have so much to enjoy and to be and to do. Your part in the story will go on."

[IGoddessI]

There are some things time cannot mend...Some hurts that go too deep.

 

 

 

Well he did say that time heals everything, not that time heals everything completely :P

[ThurinEthir]

There are some things time cannot mend...Some hurts that go too deep.

 

 

 

Well he did say that time heals everything, not that time heals everything completely :P

 

True. And time will generally heal these kinds of things.

[IGoddessI]

It's all good. If you read it aloud, it can be taken several ways. I know what you were trying to say :)

 

 

 

I think I was honestly just... I can't explain it. It just came so suddenly last night.

 

 

 

That's a good thing mate. I was in denial for about a year and then one day it hit me like a brick wall in the face. As horrible the experience you're going through right now, it sounds like you're getting it all out quickly.

 

 

 

What kind of funeral is your grandma having? Traditional, celebration of life...? It will help if people talked to one another about the fond and happy memories they had together. You might learn something about your grandma that you never knew.

 

 

 

My best friends mum learns something new about her son that passed away every day. His friends and relatives always find old photos, letters etc and it's healing as well as exciting to understand a side of someone that you never knew before.

 

 

 

Funny photo slides help too. A group of grieving people can never laugh so hard.

[Saru Inc]

I'm so sorry. :( My grandma is going to die soon, she has I think 2 cancers.

 

 

 

 

 

Really, mope, or however you cope with it, and soon you'll feel better.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't cope with grief, I usually can't handle it, so to make myself feel better, I force my grief onto other people, intentionally or not.

[Shinjula]

Hey there, first off, big

 

 

 

My mother passed away last year, and as you can imagine thats the closest relationship with anyone I've ever had, so I had to deal with quite a lot of my grief. I also suffer a lot from depression so it wasn't exactly a picnic.

 

 

 

Mostly my advice is not about how to feel or what to do with yourself. You'll know what's best yourself far better than I can guess, different people behave diferently during times of grief.

 

 

 

My advice is just about how to cope with the people around you. First, if you can, take a moment away from your grief, just a minute or two, to think about those around you, and work out who you can trust to be helpful. Hopefullly there'll be someone at work with a bit of authority that can authorise breaks for you when you need em.

 

Most jobs these days do understand that emotion is part of life and sometimes you will just go 'wobbly' and need a moment or two of time to yourself when dealing with grief. Once you've got yourself that, that should take a little of the pressure off, and hopefully youll feel freer to use that and let stuff out.

 

 

 

Next is friends & family, these'll be a lot easier than work to deal with cos you know em, but often itll be confusing cos people generally dont deal well with other peoples grief, so you'll get some odd reactions from them at times. But do tell em as much as you feel able to, even if its only 'I should tell you I'm having a lot of grief over my grandmothers death but i dont feel able to tell you more'.

 

Best piece of advice is, just dont give a flying [bleep] about what their reactions are and do whatever you feel is right even if its not what you would have thought you'd be like when grieving. The chances are they'll feel a bit uncomfortable around you and completely forgive you knowing what you're going through.

 

 

 

Heres a few examples of reactions I got and suggested counter reactions...

 

 

 

People stare blankly - this is cos they don't know what to say because they want to make things better but they can't

 

If you want to talk then talk and enjoy the freedom to say whatever you like, if you dont want to talk then be quite around them if you can, if you want them to leave just say 'I think I'd like to be alone for a bit, would you mind?'

 

 

 

People chatter inanely - they cant think what to say but dont like the silence

 

Sometimes the babble is comforting, but if not they'll probably be fine if you ask em to leave. If you really dont want them to leave and cant cope with the babble you could try 'Would you mind if I talk for a bit?' or if youd prefer to listen 'So what do remember about grandma?' if they knew her, or 'So have you ever lost someone?' if they didnt

 

 

 

Black humor - a good sign of someone really not able to cope with the depth of the emotion, its a defence reaction.

 

If you can go with it can really help give some relief from the monotony of grief, if not you can always quiet say 'please dont'

 

 

 

Hugs and cuddles - usually a sign someone is emotionally aware and happy to help.

 

If you can deal then the cuddles and hugs should help, but some times they can feel uncomfortable or innapropriate if the person doesnt know you well enough, just shrug em off with a 'I'm sorry I'm not ready yet'

 

 

 

Well, hopefully one of those might be of some use. I'm sorry I cant do anything more. Time will help, but the rest of us are pretty useless. Be well.

[Serpent Eye]

Thank you all again for your kind words of encouragement and support.

 

 

 

My visit to California went very well - I got back late Wednesday night.

 

 

 

It was nice to see all of my extended family again, since it had been several years since my last visit. I only wish the circumstances for seeing them could have been different.

 

 

 

The service for my grandma was very nice. It was definitely hard to be there. No one let me know that I was one of the pallbearers (for those of you who don't know, a pallbearer carries the casket to the hearst, and later carries the casket from the hearst to the gravesite) so that was quite a shock to discover. I immediately started crying when I had to touch the handle on the casket. I didn't help that my mom was sitting in the church pew across from me... Every time I looked at her, we would both immediately start crying fresh tears.

 

 

 

But I made my peace grave-side, touched the casket once more... and walked away.

 

 

 

I don't mean to get into much detail.

 

 

 

At any rate, thank you all again for your help.

 

 

 

- Serpent_Eye

 

 

 

[hide=Obituary]If anyone is interested:

 

 

 

http://www.legacy.com/bakersfield/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=122778842[/hide]

[Maleficus1055]

I'm very sorry for your loss, and even more sorry that I cannot give you any coping advice from experience.

 

 

 

Just give it some time, i would say.