Help With A Really Strict Parent

[IGoddessI]

Can you further explain why they are setting themselves up?

- By "setting themselves up for failure" I meant that their decision is flawed. It almost always has a negative outcome.

 

 

 

And what is a 'positive parenting style'

 

Positive parenting is where instead of punishing kids for bad behaviour, you reward them for good behaviour and it encourages more good behaviour.

 

 

 

For example they are punishing you with less freedom because your grades are bad. However, if they took a positive parenting approach they would reward you slowly say for example "Getting a B-B+ is a really good grade! I'm very proud of you. Since you're doing so well in school, your father and I have decided to re-negotiate your computer time"

 

 

 

Which are you more likely to do? bust your [wagon] at getting better grades when someone makes you feel worthless and under-appreciated? Or positive parenting where are you likely to think "Hey... my parents are proud when I get good grades..and this makes me feel happy. When I get good grades, I get more freedom and this makes me feel mature as well as smart. I enjoy working for my grades, because it makes me feel good and I benefit from it".

 

 

 

And they are not overprotective 'they are fighting against my will for my best interest'

 

 

 

So if they are in your best interest, why do you feel like crap? show them proof, psychological wise that their decisions are harmful in many ways and quite negative. Show them that there are more positive ways and positive outcomes because of them.

 

 

 

They refuse to do anything if i blame them for ANYTHING.

 

 

 

You're actually not blaming them for anything. You're stating facts and you're stating how you feel. Any parent who shuts their child down when they tell them how they feel is an idiot.

 

 

 

If i say anything in this form if _____ then I will _________- they yell at me.

 

 

 

Because that is dictating to a parent and causing them to be defensive. It's not their problem, it's your problem and you need to own it. BFC - keep this in your mind. Behaviour, feelings, common grounds.

 

 

 

If you were a parent and your child wanted to negotiate to you, then what would you be more likely to respond to?

 

 

 

"You're too strict, you make me feel like crap, you never let me do anything and if you do this, this and this, then I'll change!"

 

 

 

or

 

 

 

"I'm having a problem, when you tell me to get better grades, it makes me feel stupid and under-appreciated. If you encourage me more and tell me I'm doing a good job, then it will build my self esteem to do better. I think we can both agree that getting good grades is important and so I'm trying to tell you how I feel so we can both get the same result."

[Da_Latios]

You have it bad, Deathmath.... The only thing you could do is confront your parents about it. There's not much else....

 

 

 

Once you turn 18, leave home.

 

You CAN choose to get a foster parent, but I'm not sure about how that works where you live. I think at age 16 you can register yourself for adoption or foster parenting.

 

You could also try getting married, and then living with your wife's family, but I think that would be overkill.

[Deathmath]

Lol, it's not that big a deal.

 

 

 

thanks for the different POV on that

 

 

 

And what is the meaning of behavior feeling common grounds?

 

 

 

Last issue is they say I have a huge ego and say it would be lying to say a B is a good grade and would further inflate my huge ego.

 

 

 

I sort of keep a bubble of ego around myself when they attack me. It doesn't hurt that bad when they are telling it to you, but it only hurts what you know is not true. Anything else?

 

 

 

thanks

 

~Deathmath

 

 

 

PS: And Hiroki, you retired? why? (I respect the decision.)

[IGoddessI]

It minimizes feelings of defensiveness and more often than not, gets the desired outcome. Unless the person is a complete tool.

 

 

 

Also be polite/assertive.. example:

 

 

 

You walk in to a store to fix your cd player because it's broken. You need it for a party tonight. It's busy, the guy behind the desk is frustrated and is obviously having a bad day. He tells you to come back tomorrow.

 

 

 

passive response: "okay I'll come back tomorrow then" - gets what you want at a later date

 

 

 

aggressive response: "No I expect you to fix it now, who the hell do you think you are? I want to speak to your manager!" - usually doesn't get you what you want.

 

 

 

assertive response: "I purchased this cd player on (insert date) and it's not working. I can see that you're busy but I need it for a party tonight. If you could please fix it now for me, that would be fantastic" - almost always gets you what you want

 

 

 

Last issue is they say I have a huge ego and say it would be lying to say a B is a good grade and would further inflate my huge ego.

 

 

 

they are trying to direct the blame elsewhere and go offtopic so direct them back on topic:

 

 

 

"This isn't about my ego. This is about how upset I feel when you tell me I can do better. When I feel upset, I'm less inclined to try. A B is above average and it is a good grade, it would be lying to say that it's not. Encouraging me with my grades has nothing to do with my ego. An ego is an inflated sense of self importance. If you choose not to encourage me with my grades, how is that going to help me to do better?"

 

 

 

Print these out and shove them on your parent's desk: The importance of praising and encouraging your kids!

 

 

 

http://parentingteens.about.com/od/pare ... e_teen.htm

 

 

 

http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/ ... ontext/459

[Deathmath]

Good lord: They said: you haven't done anything in the recent past to deserve praise.

 

:x :cry:

[Orpheus]

Good lord: They said: you haven't done anything in the recent past to deserve praise.

 

:x :cry:

 

 

 

Damn, that's sad. They're morons, that's for certain... Stupid F**kers like that need a slap in the face and a reality check. When you turn 18, I'd try to move as far away as possible.

[Skull]

Good lord: They said: you haven't done anything in the recent past to deserve praise.

 

:x :cry:

 

That's really harsh, especially if you've been working hard and getting A's or even if you're not. I honestly don't even know how to respond to that.

[Orpheus]

Good lord: They said: you haven't done anything in the recent past to deserve praise.

 

:x :cry:

 

That's really harsh, especially if you've been working hard and getting A's or even if you're not. I honestly don't even know how to respond to that.

 

 

 

I'll do it for you. His parents are b*tches, to put it bluntly.

[Lionheart_0]

Good lord: They said: you haven't done anything in the recent past to deserve praise.

 

:x :cry:

 

I say with that, get your councillor involved. If they are gonna pull lines like that, they should know there are people (And i bet you have teachers as some of those people), who respect you, and know you have done well.

 

 

 

Also, if I may ask, what are your parent's professions?

[Tim]

Come to Australia with me, Hiroki and Goddess. :

[ember3579]

Good lord: They said: you haven't done anything in the recent past to deserve praise.

 

:x :cry:

 

 

 

 

 

..... Two words; outside assistance. Find someone who both knows you and is in a respected position (counselor, teacher, principal, maybe an officer if you know any, etc.) and get them to take a crack at it. If it doesn't work, you can always try and get some foster parents, with your authority figure friend providing evidence that they're too mental to be good parents. The only other option could very easily be more trouble than it's worth.

[Lionheart_0]

I'm just gonna say I don't think he foster parents are a bad idea. Although it really does suck you aren't getting the freedom you really do deserve, I don't think it's to the point where your rights are being taken away (assuming they aren't secretly beating you or something...).

 

 

 

Edit: Did I say good? I meant bad!

[Maleficus1055]

I would honestly suggest foster parents. I would not be able to live the way you have been living. However, that is a little extreme.

 

Now, for some comic relief

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6O9wZ4dtK8

[ember3579]

I'm just gonna say I don't think he foster parents are a good idea. Although it really does suck you aren't getting the freedom you really do deserve, I don't think it's to the point where your rights are being taken away (assuming they aren't secretly beating you or something...).

 

 

 

I agree with you. I'm just putting it out there as a next-to-last resort. Really, it should only become an option once all manners of reason are exhausted. That's what that sort of thing is for, really; when your parents prove themselves incapable of parenting to any real extent (these examples are on the extreme end of "sheltering"; not really what the people who thought of foster care had in mind, but it works), you should be able to move and find parents who actually would be beneficial. Of course, this by nature utterly resets everything related to the parenting stage. You really need to build up some physical, hard evidence of their insane overprotectiveness in order to be taken at all seriously. I imagine that these cases don't usually go very well when it's a "he said, she said".

[Deathmath]

Yeah. In the state of california it's hard.

 

 

 

Parents are a civil engineer and a pharmacist.

 

 

 

It could be considered emotional abuse, but from my considerable knowledge of california family law, it'd call for many witnesses (which I don't have) and would be far too much trouble. So my plan for the moment is to:

 

 

 

1) Do well in school

 

2)GET AWAY ASAP (preferably to another country )

[ember3579]

Yeah. In the state of california it's hard.

 

 

 

Parents are a civil engineer and a pharmacist.

 

 

 

It could be considered emotional abuse, but from my considerable knowledge of california family law, it'd call for many witnesses (which I don't have) and would be far too much trouble. So my plan for the moment is to:

 

 

 

1) Do well in school

 

2)GET AWAY ASAP (preferably to another country )

 

 

 

 

 

1 should be done regardless for general purposes (you never know what curveballs might be thrown your way), but 2 shouldn't be necessary unless if your parents are absolutely freaking nuts which, by the looks of their jobs, they're passable enough to where they're not THAT bad. I still suggest you get an outside trusted authority figure who knows you and your situation to try and talk to them. At the very least, it'll tell you how bad they are at reason, which you might be able to turn to your advantage if done right.

[Deathmath]

I know, a bit of sarcasm, although California is too liberal and expensive for my liking.

 

 

 

(but not like across the globe w/out reason or anything)

[ember3579]

I know, a bit of sarcasm, although California is too liberal and expensive for my liking.

 

 

 

(but not like across the globe w/out reason or anything)

 

 

 

 

 

Just know what you're getting into. While it might not look like it now, there's a very real chance that you could get into an even worse situation than you are now if you move into a place that's new and unfamiliar. It's probably not as large as some might say, but it's definitely larger than what the "average person" thinks. If you want to kill 2 birds with one stone, try finding a high-ranked college that's also suitably far away from your parents that you'll at least get a break from them. I'd also suggest trying to get some sort of job so you can pay for it without assistance from them. That way, you can tell them to f$#@ off and have little repercussions.

[Nenga]

I'm a mediocre student with parents who were like that my freshmen year. my teacher was having us write a journal thing and that subject came up. I forgot it the day it was due so I called one of them and had them bring it to me, they read it and now they arn't nearly as harsh on me. Yay for being forgetful!

 

 

 

The point is just tell them your feelings on it and parents will usually cave. (Not sure if that was the right word choice, lets me think of one...)

 

 

 

The point is just tell them your feelings on it and parents will usually cave implode.

[Nadril]

I think he's tried that man.

 

 

 

Really I think I would just try and live your life man. make it through those four years of high school and then move away for college.

[Deathmath]

Puts on swat gear.

 

 

 

Ready to go suh!

[Ax600]

is it one parent or two?

 

 

 

Dude, my best advice is:

 

 

 

"get up off me trick. what is you, hungry?"

[i_love_burritos]

Just wheather the so-called parental storm for the next few years, and move out when you get to college.

 

 

 

Its a win-win-[win] situation, win for your marks, win for your [eventual happyness] and win for your parents.

 

 

 

Uhhh, Ax600, what the hell are you saying ?!

[Erk02]

OP, I feel waaay too bad for you. I'm a sophomore in high school, and if it weren't for my weekly getting hammered nights with my buddies at 10 p.m., I couldn't live. You should just confront your parents. Your high school days are the most fun of your life. Why save the fun for later? It's not gonna be there.

 

 

 

Edit- I just saw you live in the East Bay. Dayum, so do I. I feel bad for you, places like Albany and El Cerrito have nothing going down ever while and places like Berkeley and Oakland are just scary.

[Giordano]

Quick question: are your parents loaded? ($$$)