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"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice


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#13361
Estonian dude
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[bleep] the weirdness of me. Today, I had the chance to speak with the girl I have a crush on, practically one-on-one in school, and had 20 mins of free time aswell. And what did I do? I almost ran away, I like walked as fast as I could and ran up the stairs. I have no freaking idea, what went into me and I can chat with anybody just perfectly fine on the internet and usually otherwise aswell.
What do?
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#13362
RpgGamer
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C://Files/Advice/Confidence_Encouragement/
Searching for files...
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Sounds like you don't talk to people 1 on 1 very often. Work on changing that to build comfort in doing it in less comfortable situations. Talk to people. If you have a job, push conversations with clients, most people will respond in some way or another, and you'll learn from it. Sooner or later you won't even notice any awkwardness (and if you do, it'll feel so normal it won't matter). Then you'll have the confidence to speak to whomever whenever.
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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.




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#13363
Ginger_Warrior
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If I were you, I'd ask myself why I avoided the situation. Was there any practical reason for it (like, you're full of a cold or you were pretty sweaty and flustered, that sort of thing) or was it simply not wanting to potentially experience rejection? If it's the latter, then there's not really much advice I can give you, except to say that you won't ever know whether she likes if you don't take that chance and spend time with her. Is it better to avoid the situation and not have any chance with her? You posting on here suggests you don't think it is, but the only other option you have is to talk to her.

For what it's worth, almost everyone is nervous when they first get to know someone. Imagine someone walking up to you and trying to strike a conversation... it's pretty intimidating. But I bet you attempted to carry the conversation on, didn't you? Most people will reciprocate because most people like getting on with people around them, and they also like feeling as though someone takes an interest in them, their hobbies/interests and the people around them.

#13364
Estonian dude
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The thing is, I can speak with boys all day, all night without even thinking about it, and I have been able to maintain conversations and so on 1 on 1 with other girls aswell. This time, though, I don't know... Maybe it's because I really like that girl and I've never had a girlfriend or such before. There was one thing, there was one another girl that was also around, the friend of the girl that I like, but I am fairly certain she would have left...
I've spoken to that girl before, one on one aswell, but it has happened mainly when I am not too sober. I heard later that on one party I spoke with her for at least an hour in a row, even though I can't remember a thing of it... And I chat with her daily on messenger...
And I am in school, no job for me.
And it must be fright of rejection. Experienced the latter a lot in my previous school, even though it has been years since I left this school, I have been mentally wounded and I am not completely over it.


And I am freaking rambling again.
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#13365
Ginger_Warrior
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No, no, that's fine.

Just let me explore one thing though: Why does it matter that her friend was there?

#13366
Estonian dude
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I don't like being around strangers, and that girl sort of was a stranger to me...
Or actually, during our last party I had to physically throw out that girl's boyfriend, because he was totally wasted and started fighting with people and crawling on the floor. The girl itself was in Belgium at the time -_-
What's worse, I know nearly everyone around our school pretty well, but she is not one of them. And I have low self-esteem and I automatically think that people don't think of me well.

Damn, that doesn't explain everything. I am a mess. Just, I don't like being around people I don't know of. I'm fairly certain she has heard only good of me, but I can't guarantee it and I am a weird guy.
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#13367
Ginger_Warrior
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Unless this thing with you and her boyfriend was absolutely terrible, you can usually use humour to take the sting out of issues like that. The friend probably told her anyway. If you know people in your school that well, then I'd take that as a measure that people generally think you're a decent bloke. I wouldn't take it as something to reinforce low self-esteem.

In any case, as much as I'm trying to build your ego up, we're skirting around the issue. Next time, stop, say hello, strike up a conversation and see where things go. If it goes badly, no bother, chalk it down as experience so you'll be better at it next time.

#13368
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I had (still struggle with occasionally) the same problem Saq. For me it was because I was afraid of the implications a conversation would carry. I felt like every word I'd say would be scrutinized and judged, so I kept to myself and avoided conversation. Whilst drunk, this inhibition disappears and I'll literally talk about anything, and looking at your description of what happened to you at the party(s) you're not too far from the same result.

What helps me is relaxing and not letting my mind get ahead of itself. I don't over think what I'm about to say, instead I focus on what they're saying. Being a good listener is a key to a good conversation (though it does help to think before you speak, as I've gotten myself into some trouble not doing so plenty of times). Next time you see yourself in that situation Saq, ask yourself why you want to turn away. Do you have nothing to talk about? Rattle your brain. Literally for any source of conversation topic. You wouldn't believe what some people are willing to go on about. But this brings me to my next point: always have something ready to talk about when you go out. If you plan on seeing anyone over the course of a day, make sure you have something discussion worthy in the back of your head. This could literally be an infinity of source topics, ranging from completely obscure to the most menial mainstream bull crap (ie: American politics). Try to pick something you know a good deal about and are comfortable talking about (avoid controversy unless you know your audience already agrees with you).
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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.




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#13369
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I'm going to tell you a little secret, and it might sound stupid and cliche but it has worked for me so far. Tonight we went out to a bar. it was PACKED. About 30 minutes before we left i noticed a group of girls, two of them really hot. One of them had a boyfriend so i focused my attention on the other one. I wanted to talk to her, but i had no idea what i would say at all. I decided [bleep] thin i'm going over there. So i walked up to her, say "Hey, what's up?"
Yes, not exactly the best line to open with, but whatever. We started talking and of course i had a general idea of what i was going to say. Start off with all the basic crap like where are you from (okay, might seem like something silly to ask, but as a foreigner this isn't exactly too stupid of a question to ask), what do you do for a living, etc. Then, if things go to plan, she would mention something that i can kind of talk about. If she doesn't, then keep asking her questions. Girls LOVE to talk. They will make the job so easy for you. You ask them one question and you've got a conversation going for 5 minutes easily. Then you ask them another question.
Like the girl i met tonight. I asked her what she did for a living and she spoke about that for a while and mentioned that she got offered another job but never took it. Boom, there was my next question, why didn't you take it?
Yes, this all seems like the average guy's attempt at picking up a girl but it does work. It won't work 100% of the time, but like the guy said in Anchor Man "60% of the time it works every time" and that's kind of the attitude you need to go with.
Most girl, like i said, love talking. If you ask them questions, no matter how stupid, you show interest, in something more than just what they look like. This is always a good thing. When the conversation starts dying down, this is when you want to get out of there. Tell her you should get back to your friend, or that you're about to leave (even if you're not, [bleep] lie to her). Tell her you would love to continue the conversation some other time and get her number. Then say your goodbyes and gtfo.

Now things might be a bit different if you're still in school, but the basic principle will still apply.

I heard something a while back that kind of stuck with me: "A good player know when it's a lost cause and needs to get out of there and a good player knows when to wrap things up, get the number, and leave"
Not an exact quote, but close enough.

#13370
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RPG, this is quite exactly me.
And what else, as I've said, I can easily chat with someone on messenger for hours on end, without it getting boring. I know boatloads of random bullshit, and I actually was in the team that won the national quizzing championships in primary school.
But yes, that talking in real life, face to face, I kinda tend to get awkward silences since I am scrutinizing and thinking about what to say. And my mind gets completely wiped out when I am with someone I like...
And I have that problem even when a little drunk, like someone is holding me back (it's me, I know), I am only free when I am so drunk that I don't care about anything anymore and quite probably won't remember the details next morning...
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#13371
RpgGamer
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But what one is capable of doing drunk, must also be possible whilst sober.
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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.




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#13372
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That sounds like an awesome life mantra of some sort.

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#13373
Sumpta
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I used to be very awkward around guys face to face. I just didn't have a clue how to flirt or how to behave around them. Especially the boys I liked.

Now, this is going to sound so lame, but the following method really worked for me. One of my friends was verrrryyy good at this, she just oozed charm and class. So I started observing her to figure out how she did it, listened to her talking to guys... and after a while, I started copying her. To my great astonishment, it worked. I gained the self-confidence I was lacking, which in its turn gave me the necessary oomph to develop my own 'style' and personality instead of being a copy cat.

Maybe you could look for a similar example in your surrounding. I'm not advocating you try to be someone you're not, but I would suggest you develop some 'game' skills, to put it a bit negatively/bluntly. Evidently you have something to work with already, considering that those hidden skills emerge when drunk, now you just need to boost that self-confidence so they're available when you're not inebriated.

#13374
Estonian dude
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Well, I am drunk again, and I can say that I am a master of those skills, when drunk... I get into long conversations with girls that I really don't want to get into long conversations...
AAAAND [bleep], she wasn't out today and I couldn't call that girl, since my phone broke down. So ATM I am without a girl nor with a phone.
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#13375
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Rule Number 1: Once drunk, your phone is to be used only to call for rides. Texting is now a capital offence, and posting on any web forum, facebook, twiiter, etc, is just a terrible idea.

My point is that drunk people using electronic communication have about the same romantic appeal as someone who is actively trying to light you on fire. There are a couple people who will like it, and no one will ever forget it.

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#13376
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Love the metaphor....

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#13377
RpgGamer
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Sounds like you and I should party sometime Saq haha. Sumpta brings up an old point. I think it was good ol' Lent that was our living proof of hanging around enough social and people-skilled folk will in turn make you more social and people skilled. It's like studying for a test...only with personal skills.

I for one am a huge offender of the drunk comm rule. In turn most of my friends & acquaintances assume I'm always drunk. Even here I occasionally get a light jabbing for it. I'm always facebooking when I'm drunk, but I have learned that texting is very stupid, so that got cut out mighty quick. Randox, your metaphor is brilliant. I will never forget the first time a girl drunk dialed me, and as much as I loved her, I was furious for weeks about it. Drunk people are generally only appealing (if at all) to other drunk people.
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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.




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#13378
muggiwhplar
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I used to be very awkward around guys face to face. I just didn't have a clue how to flirt or how to behave around them. Especially the boys I liked.

Now, this is going to sound so lame, but the following method really worked for me. One of my friends was verrrryyy good at this, she just oozed charm and class. So I started observing her to figure out how she did it, listened to her talking to guys... and after a while, I started copying her. To my great astonishment, it worked. I gained the self-confidence I was lacking, which in its turn gave me the necessary oomph to develop my own 'style' and personality instead of being a copy cat.

Maybe you could look for a similar example in your surrounding. I'm not advocating you try to be someone you're not, but I would suggest you develop some 'game' skills, to put it a bit negatively/bluntly. Evidently you have something to work with already, considering that those hidden skills emerge when drunk, now you just need to boost that self-confidence so they're available when you're not inebriated.


Lol, the same thing happened to me too basically. :D I posted about it in-depth a couple of years ago: http://forum.tip.it/...60#entry4334031

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#13379
Sumpta
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Haha, well, I guess this just proves we're all the same animals, learning by example :grin:.

I agree with the others that you need to be careful with the drunk communication. Nobody likes emotional drunks and worse, if it happens several times, people tend to start suspecting you have an alcohol problem and/or psychological issues. Not attractive. At all. Learning to control yourself once drunk is one of the skills people need to develop asap on their road to adulthood.

Same with sending people emotional and frank e-mails in the middle of the night btw, drunk or not. God, that one took me a while to master, letting the draft sit until the morning and then judging its worth (usually: none). Oh, the shame.

#13380
Ginger_Warrior
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Drunk actions are sober thoughts. And there's probably a reason you'd kept them at the "thought stage" to begin with.




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