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"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice


Da_Latios

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He told me to give her what she wants. To give her her space. Not to call or text. And if she calls or texts me, lie to her. Tell her im having the time of my life, even if im not. Make her feel like i dont need her to be happy. Eventually she will come to her senses and realise that she loves me.

I honestly hate these kind of mind games. True they work like a charm when you're first dating someone, looking for a not-so-serious relationship, or just hookups. But I really don't think they should be used or even necessary in a serious long term relationship. But I guess that just comes back to my own values. In a serious relationship I want honesty and truth - not those kind of mind games. I feel like after the initial attraction period, you should just be over them.

 

The whole point behind that method is to get her to miss you and make her afraid of losing you. When the ball is in her court, it's easy for her to take her time and consider some time apart. She knows that you still want her and it's all up to her; she can do what she wants. But if you say you're having a great time without her, suddenly she'll start thinking that maybe you're not there waiting for her. Maybe if she spends too much time away she'll lose you forever. And if you make it obvious that you're busy and have a life outside of her, that makes you more attractive in her eyes.

 

But in my opinion, that is not a long term solution. If she acts based on those feelings, it's a quick fix. Odds are she'll start having the same feelings again at some point. She's not going to be "coming to her senses" if you play that game. She's going to be scared into stopping the whole "space" stuff. If it's a serious relationship, you can't do that. You have to solve the underlying issues - not just push them aside. Otherwise they will resurface.

 

You clearly love her a lot, so I know how difficult it would be for you to risk losing her by not playing that game. But the way I see it, you have two options:

 

- Play the game and likely get her back. But eventually the issue will creep up again and next time it might be worse.

 

- Give her the space and just be honest about everything. There is a chance she may want to break up with you. But if she realizes on her own that she was stupid and wants to come back, it will have been completely her decision without any help/games from you. If she decides it on her own, it's a lot more true and sincere.

 

But it is important to realize that people do grow and change. They move on, they want new things, etc. I don't know if you know the specifics, but I feel like it would help to have more details on what exactly she's doing. What you said was pretty vague ("her life has changed a lot," "she was never really able to fully live her teenage years"). To me that suggests partying.. but I could be wrong. Knowing the specifics could help you realize what exactly she's looking for. If it's partying - she probably wants freedom and/or possibly another guy. That's honestly the only reason I can think of that she'd need space from you. If it was anything else, why couldn't you support her during her new adventures? The fact that she wants time away from you kind of suggests that she wants to see if there are other guys out there or she wants the freedom of being single.

 

:(

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He told me to give her what she wants. To give her her space. Not to call or text. And if she calls or texts me, lie to her. Tell her im having the time of my life, even if im not. Make her feel like i dont need her to be happy. Eventually she will come to her senses and realise that she loves me.

I honestly hate these kind of mind games. True they work like a charm when you're first dating someone, looking for a not-so-serious relationship, or just hookups. But I really don't think they should be used or even necessary in a serious long term relationship. But I guess that just comes back to my own values. In a serious relationship I want honesty and truth - not those kind of mind games. I feel like after the initial attraction period, you should just be over them.

 

The whole point behind that method is to get her to miss you and make her afraid of losing you. When the ball is in her court, it's easy for her to take her time and consider some time apart. She knows that you still want her and it's all up to her; she can do what she wants. But if you say you're having a great time without her, suddenly she'll start thinking that maybe you're not there waiting for her. Maybe if she spends too much time away she'll lose you forever. And if you make it obvious that you're busy and have a life outside of her, that makes you more attractive in her eyes.

 

But in my opinion, that is not a long term solution. If she acts based on those feelings, it's a quick fix. Odds are she'll start having the same feelings again at some point. She's not going to be "coming to her senses" if you play that game. She's going to be scared into stopping the whole "space" stuff. If it's a serious relationship, you can't do that. You have to solve the underlying issues - not just push them aside. Otherwise they will resurface.

 

You clearly love her a lot, so I know how difficult it would be for you to risk losing her by not playing that game. But the way I see it, you have two options:

 

- Play the game and likely get her back. But eventually the issue will creep up again and next time it might be worse.

 

- Give her the space and just be honest about everything. There is a chance she may want to break up with you. But if she realizes on her own that she was stupid and wants to come back, it will have been completely her decision without any help/games from you. If she decides it on her own, it's a lot more true and sincere.

 

But it is important to realize that people do grow and change. They move on, they want new things, etc. I don't know if you know the specifics, but I feel like it would help to have more details on what exactly she's doing. What you said was pretty vague ("her life has changed a lot," "she was never really able to fully live her teenage years"). To me that suggests partying.. but I could be wrong. Knowing the specifics could help you realize what exactly she's looking for. If it's partying - she probably wants freedom and/or possibly another guy. That's honestly the only reason I can think of that she'd need space from you. If it was anything else, why couldn't you support her during her new adventures? The fact that she wants time away from you kind of suggests that she wants to see if there are other guys out there or she wants the freedom of being single.

 

:(

 

The last part, i think is probably true. I want to ask her if it's another guy, just because i want to know. But i don't want to ask her because i don't want to be "that guy". I don't want to seem obsessive over her. I know she has a great fear of being alone and that might be why she is/has been acting the way she is now. I want to still talk to her and i want her to share her troubles with me, but she never will. She knows i've had a hard life and that i've had to do a lot to get to where i am today. She knows i've had to face many a demon and she once told me that sometimes she feels like sharing her troubles with me is like putting another burden on me, and that's something she can't do. Which i guess in some sense i understand.

 

I'm just really confused about what really to do. i think i will go ahead and "ignore" her for a while. Meaning i won't text, call, skype or facebook her. But what do i do if she sends me a text? Or calls me? How do i respond or reply? What if i'm having the shittiest time of my life (which is easy to understand considering where i live at the moment) and all i really want is to tell her "god damn i miss you!"

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I'm just really confused about what really to do. i think i will go ahead and "ignore" her for a while. Meaning i won't text, call, skype or facebook her. But what do i do if she sends me a text? Or calls me? How do i respond or reply? What if i'm having the shittiest time of my life (which is easy to understand considering where i live at the moment) and all i really want is to tell her "god damn i miss you!"

Well it's hard to tell you what to do without knowing what will happen. How/if you should respond really depends on what she might say. There's a different answer for each scenario.

 

Generally speaking, don't lie to her, but try not to appear too desperate or clingy. Don't randomly say something like, "I miss you so much, please come back to me, I feel like I could cry!"

 

1. You don't want to have to force her to come back. If you have to talk her into the relationship, it won't work.

2. She has to make the decision to come back to you on her own.

 

You don't have to not tell her you miss her, but I'd only offer up that information if it comes up. Don't randomly text her "I miss you." Give her the space she wants. If she starts talking to you and asks you directly or if it's contextually relevant, then you can say you miss her.

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Give her her space but make sure you she doesn't forget you exist. My ex decided she needed space, stopped talking to me for a week and decided she was better off without the stress of worrying about a boyfriend because she'd been having the time of her life with her friends and it made her life easier not having to make time for me.

 

Admitedly her having university exams at the time and the fact that her mum is crazy and hates me didn't help, along with the stress of a long distance relationship...

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Noxxx, I feel like you've come to us with this exact problem before.

 

I am/was in a situation of similar proportions, dating the same girl for 5+ years off and on, and the distance isn't helping. She wants space. Give it to her. Be respectful of that, but realize emotional space put with the literal space adds up to a very large separation that will likely be unrepairable, especially if she's off "rediscovering herself" which is usually what me and my ex used to tell each other when we were doing things that would hurt each other with out actually admitting to anything. She wants space. Give it to her, but don't use this time to wait for her. Use this time to grow on your own. Go rediscover yourself. See what else is around, what you might like. Try new things. That way you won't have to lie if she asks how things are, you truly can say "I'm having the time of my life", Don't lie to her, but you don't have to sit around twiddling your thumbs hoping she'll suddenly revert back into the girl you fell in love with. People change, even more so when they spend time with different people. Even if she does "come back to you" so to speak, she won't be the same girl that you've been thinking about while you were apart. And you won't be the same guy.

 

My advice, is make you not the same guy in a better light. Don't change into the needy desperate guy that waited. Don't be that guy that lied and played mind games to win her back. Be something better.

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Give her her space but make sure you she doesn't forget you exist. My ex decided she needed space, stopped talking to me for a week and decided she was better off without the stress of worrying about a boyfriend because she'd been having the time of her life with her friends and it made her life easier not having to make time for me.

Honestly if that happens then the relationship wouldn't have worked out anyway, even if you tried to make sure she "doesn't forget you exist." If you do things to convince her she should be with you (like make sure she doesn't forget you exist), it might help in the short term but really you're just prolonging the inevitable.

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Truth be told i have been having a great time here in Florida, without her. But i know i could have had a much better time had she been here. It's always more fun doing things with someone you love, after all.

I don't know what has changed in the past two weeks that this happened all of a sudden.

It's pretty hard for me as well now. I live in a really boring place at the moment. I have my friends, but there's not much we can really do. We can either study, or we can go fly around Florida for a bit. But we can't spend the whole day doing that. You need more from life. Like i said sometimes it felt like i lived for those moments to hear her voice, to know that she was on the other side of the phone going through something similar to what i was. But now it's even harder because all of a sudden it feels like this place just got so much smaller and a lot more boring. I have to force myself to not pick up the phone and call her or text her. It's hard. Today would be the first day in a very long time that i have gone a day without at least texting her (whether or not she replied).

 

I don't want to be that lapdog that sits around waiting for her to come to her senses, but we have been through some stuff that not many people have been and it made a much bigger bond between the two of us than the average couple (which is why i think sometimes we fight so much. I think it killed a part of her, just like it killed a part of me).

 

But i don't know. I guess i'll have to wait a few more days and see what happens.

Her sister sent me a message today asking me what was up with her. She hasn't been replying to her sister's calls either, nor her texts. I tried explaining to her more or less what has been going on. She offered to dig around a bit and see whats up with her sister, but i told her not to. I don't want it to seem like i'm going behind her back trying to fix things. I'm guessing that was the smart move?

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Tripsis took the words right out of my mouth :P

 

You should try and follow your friend's advice without having to lie... meaning, go absorb yourself 100% into some hobby/project to take your mind off her for a while and actually be happy without her. Never ever lie!

 

This. Rather than be focused on her, remember that you can't expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself. Use your time. Enjoy it.

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I started hanging out with this guy ~6 months ago. Since we started hanging out we've hung out almost everyday, usually walking our dogs together. Thing is he's been going out with a girl for about a year though he has been seeing other people while going out with her. Out of all the things he's said to me about his lady friend, most of them weren't all that nice.

 

When I first asked him to hang out and walk the dogs I initially thought it would lead to maybe us dating, but then I found out about his lady friend so I forgot about that and just wanted to be friends with him. For the most part it's been fine, but every once in a while I still get a wanting for more (if that makes sense). It's been more lately and I'm having trouble convincing myself to just like him as a friend. I've had minor/fleeting crushes on guys before and I normally realize it to be nothing, but this guy gives me butterflies! I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true! :oops: Which makes me not want to just be friends.

 

So I guess my question is kind of should I pursue this? But more so, is there a way I could subtly broach the subject without actually bringing it up and possibly making things awkward between us? He is a fair bit older than me and though that doesn't bother me I think he might be a bit bothered by that, so I guess that's another factor to consider.. So I dunno, any advice on any of this would be appreciated! :thumbup:

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I started hanging out with this guy ~6 months ago. Since we started hanging out we've hung out almost everyday, usually walking our dogs together. Thing is he's been going out with a girl for about a year though he has been seeing other people while going out with her. Out of all the things he's said to me about his lady friend, most of them weren't all that nice.

 

When I first asked him to hang out and walk the dogs I initially thought it would lead to maybe us dating, but then I found out about his lady friend so I forgot about that and just wanted to be friends with him. For the most part it's been fine, but every once in a while I still get a wanting for more (if that makes sense). It's been more lately and I'm having trouble convincing myself to just like him as a friend. I've had minor/fleeting crushes on guys before and I normally realize it to be nothing, but this guy gives me butterflies! I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true! :oops: Which makes me not want to just be friends.

 

So I guess my question is kind of should I pursue this? But more so, is there a way I could subtly broach the subject without actually bringing it up and possibly making things awkward between us? He is a fair bit older than me and though that doesn't bother me I think he might be a bit bothered by that, so I guess that's another factor to consider.. So I dunno, any advice on any of this would be appreciated! :thumbup:

 

he's got a "lady friend" and you're trying to rope him into something serious? Good luck with that. If he's not feeling something really strong, I wouldn't expect him to make the life style change. What is the age gap exactly?

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I started hanging out with this guy ~6 months ago. Since we started hanging out we've hung out almost everyday, usually walking our dogs together. Thing is he's been going out with a girl for about a year though he has been seeing other people while going out with her. Out of all the things he's said to me about his lady friend, most of them weren't all that nice.

 

When I first asked him to hang out and walk the dogs I initially thought it would lead to maybe us dating, but then I found out about his lady friend so I forgot about that and just wanted to be friends with him. For the most part it's been fine, but every once in a while I still get a wanting for more (if that makes sense). It's been more lately and I'm having trouble convincing myself to just like him as a friend. I've had minor/fleeting crushes on guys before and I normally realize it to be nothing, but this guy gives me butterflies! I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true! :oops: Which makes me not want to just be friends.

 

So I guess my question is kind of should I pursue this? But more so, is there a way I could subtly broach the subject without actually bringing it up and possibly making things awkward between us? He is a fair bit older than me and though that doesn't bother me I think he might be a bit bothered by that, so I guess that's another factor to consider.. So I dunno, any advice on any of this would be appreciated! :thumbup:

 

he's got a "lady friend" and you're trying to rope him into something serious? Good luck with that. If he's not feeling something really strong, I wouldn't expect him to make the life style change. What is the age gap exactly?

 

Ah, I'm not trying to rope him into something serious. That's why I was also asking if I should pursue it since I'm happy being friends with him, just those feelings keep flaring up. So maybe advice on how to keep those feelings from affecting how I act around him would be better? And the age gap is 17 years. Sorry if I don't really seem like I know what I want, I'm just really struggling with this :unsure:

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I started hanging out with this guy ~6 months ago. Since we started hanging out we've hung out almost everyday, usually walking our dogs together. Thing is he's been going out with a girl for about a year though he has been seeing other people while going out with her. Out of all the things he's said to me about his lady friend, most of them weren't all that nice.

 

When I first asked him to hang out and walk the dogs I initially thought it would lead to maybe us dating, but then I found out about his lady friend so I forgot about that and just wanted to be friends with him. For the most part it's been fine, but every once in a while I still get a wanting for more (if that makes sense). It's been more lately and I'm having trouble convincing myself to just like him as a friend. I've had minor/fleeting crushes on guys before and I normally realize it to be nothing, but this guy gives me butterflies! I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true! :oops: Which makes me not want to just be friends.

 

So I guess my question is kind of should I pursue this? But more so, is there a way I could subtly broach the subject without actually bringing it up and possibly making things awkward between us? He is a fair bit older than me and though that doesn't bother me I think he might be a bit bothered by that, so I guess that's another factor to consider.. So I dunno, any advice on any of this would be appreciated! :thumbup:

 

he's got a "lady friend" and you're trying to rope him into something serious? Good luck with that. If he's not feeling something really strong, I wouldn't expect him to make the life style change. What is the age gap exactly?

 

Ah, I'm not trying to rope him into something serious. That's why I was also asking if I should pursue it since I'm happy being friends with him, just those feelings keep flaring up. So maybe advice on how to keep those feelings from affecting how I act around him would be better? And the age gap is 17 years. Sorry if I don't really seem like I know what I want, I'm just really struggling with this :unsure:

 

oh shit haha

 

if you're of age you'd probably make his day hitting on him lol. But if you're cool being friends with him, then look for his flaws. He bad talks the girls he's "with" ? who's to say he wouldn't do that to any other girl he's "with" ?

 

stuff like that

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I started hanging out with this guy ~6 months ago. Since we started hanging out we've hung out almost everyday, usually walking our dogs together. Thing is he's been going out with a girl for about a year though he has been seeing other people while going out with her. Out of all the things he's said to me about his lady friend, most of them weren't all that nice.

 

When I first asked him to hang out and walk the dogs I initially thought it would lead to maybe us dating, but then I found out about his lady friend so I forgot about that and just wanted to be friends with him. For the most part it's been fine, but every once in a while I still get a wanting for more (if that makes sense). It's been more lately and I'm having trouble convincing myself to just like him as a friend. I've had minor/fleeting crushes on guys before and I normally realize it to be nothing, but this guy gives me butterflies! I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true! :oops: Which makes me not want to just be friends.

 

So I guess my question is kind of should I pursue this? But more so, is there a way I could subtly broach the subject without actually bringing it up and possibly making things awkward between us? He is a fair bit older than me and though that doesn't bother me I think he might be a bit bothered by that, so I guess that's another factor to consider.. So I dunno, any advice on any of this would be appreciated! :thumbup:

 

he's got a "lady friend" and you're trying to rope him into something serious? Good luck with that. If he's not feeling something really strong, I wouldn't expect him to make the life style change. What is the age gap exactly?

 

Ah, I'm not trying to rope him into something serious. That's why I was also asking if I should pursue it since I'm happy being friends with him, just those feelings keep flaring up. So maybe advice on how to keep those feelings from affecting how I act around him would be better? And the age gap is 17 years. Sorry if I don't really seem like I know what I want, I'm just really struggling with this :unsure:

 

oh shit haha

 

if you're of age you'd probably make his day hitting on him lol. But if you're cool being friends with him, then look for his flaws. He bad talks the girls he's "with" ? who's to say he wouldn't do that to any other girl he's "with" ?

 

stuff like that

 

 

Hmm, I guess that might work. Though I might have trouble thinking of flaws, since I think he's pretty awesome. Definitely one of the better friends I've had. But if that'll help get me over my other feelings for him I'll give it a shot.

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I started hanging out with this guy ~6 months ago. Since we started hanging out we've hung out almost everyday, usually walking our dogs together. Thing is he's been going out with a girl for about a year though he has been seeing other people while going out with her. Out of all the things he's said to me about his lady friend, most of them weren't all that nice.

 

When I first asked him to hang out and walk the dogs I initially thought it would lead to maybe us dating, but then I found out about his lady friend so I forgot about that and just wanted to be friends with him. For the most part it's been fine, but every once in a while I still get a wanting for more (if that makes sense). It's been more lately and I'm having trouble convincing myself to just like him as a friend. I've had minor/fleeting crushes on guys before and I normally realize it to be nothing, but this guy gives me butterflies! I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true! :oops: Which makes me not want to just be friends.

 

So I guess my question is kind of should I pursue this? But more so, is there a way I could subtly broach the subject without actually bringing it up and possibly making things awkward between us? He is a fair bit older than me and though that doesn't bother me I think he might be a bit bothered by that, so I guess that's another factor to consider.. So I dunno, any advice on any of this would be appreciated! :thumbup:

 

he's got a "lady friend" and you're trying to rope him into something serious? Good luck with that. If he's not feeling something really strong, I wouldn't expect him to make the life style change. What is the age gap exactly?

 

Ah, I'm not trying to rope him into something serious. That's why I was also asking if I should pursue it since I'm happy being friends with him, just those feelings keep flaring up. So maybe advice on how to keep those feelings from affecting how I act around him would be better? And the age gap is 17 years. Sorry if I don't really seem like I know what I want, I'm just really struggling with this :unsure:

 

oh shit haha

 

if you're of age you'd probably make his day hitting on him lol. But if you're cool being friends with him, then look for his flaws. He bad talks the girls he's "with" ? who's to say he wouldn't do that to any other girl he's "with" ?

 

stuff like that

 

 

Hmm, I guess that might work. Though I might have trouble thinking of flaws, since I think he's pretty awesome. Definitely one of the better friends I've had. But if that'll help get me over my other feelings for him I'll give it a shot.

 

They don't have to be super character flaws that'll make you never want to see him again, but more like reasons why being more than friends with him would be stupid

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He seems like the kind of guy who might be a good friend but a crap boyfriend.

 

Thing is he's been going out with a girl for about a year though he has been seeing other people while going out with her. Out of all the things he's said to me about his lady friend, most of them weren't all that nice.

 

I don't fully understand the situation but he clearly has some ongoing thing with this girl, yet he's badmouthing her? He's also not in a serious or exclusive relationship. He could be a nice friend and a fun guy to hang out with, but just look at how he's treating his current relationship(s). He's clearly not very dedicated to them and possibly just not that interested in pursuing something serious. So I'd let this one go. If you did go after him, you probably wouldn't get an exclusive relationship and I personally wouldn't be interested in dating a guy who is still with a girl but is badmouthing her all the time.

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Okay so last night my ex sent me a message asking me to call her some time, when i have some time. I stared at my phone for a good hour and a half before i finally decided i'd call her. We spoke for about an hour. She told me what exactly was going on, and it gave me some sense of comfort but at the same time even greater confusion. She told me she was going through a rough time with her family and that she needed time to focus on her career and get her future straightened out. This i understand. She told me she had to make her studies her first priority. This i understand as well. She told me that she wants to get back with me when her life is straightened out, but she does not want to tell me it's definite because she does not want me to get my hopes up. I guess i can understand this too. She told me to call her whenever i want, like i used to, and text her just like i used to, but not to get angry if she does not reply straight away. I get that, because i do the same thing a lot. It often takes me a few hours before i actually reply to a message.

 

So she called me earlier today and we spoke for about half an hour. There was a lot of noise in the back ground on her side, so she told me she would phone me back in 30 minutes. She never phoned me back. Sent her a text message saying i'll call her tomorrow and we can finish our conversation then.

 

I have some stuff i need to tell her, things that have been bothering her for a long time now and things that used to cause a lot of problems between the two of us in the past, but something that may now not be a factor anymore. I am excited about it and i really want to tell her, but it seems like she's "too busy" the whole time. I don't know if the her saying "call me like you used to" was just a way for me to stop stressing and for her to "get me off her back" so to speak.

 

I'm worried that i might be over thinking things, but im also worried that i might be thinking the right thing.

 

EDIT: Also, she told me that she misses me and she still loves me a lot. And she still sees me as her best friend (we've always considered each other best friends, since the day we started dating). I feel like she only said that because she knows it's what i wanted to hear.

 

Now i am still going to give her her space. I won't call her everyday. I'll call her maybe once ever few days. I want to see if she actually calls me, or texts me. But i'm scared she might not, and i might start jumping to conclusions.

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Okay so last night my ex sent me a message asking me to call her some time, when i have some time. I stared at my phone for a good hour and a half before i finally decided i'd call her. We spoke for about an hour. She told me what exactly was going on, and it gave me some sense of comfort but at the same time even greater confusion. She told me she was going through a rough time with her family and that she needed time to focus on her career and get her future straightened out. This i understand. She told me she had to make her studies her first priority. This i understand as well. She told me that she wants to get back with me when her life is straightened out, but she does not want to tell me it's definite because she does not want me to get my hopes up. I guess i can understand this too. She told me to call her whenever i want, like i used to, and text her just like i used to, but not to get angry if she does not reply straight away. I get that, because i do the same thing a lot. It often takes me a few hours before i actually reply to a message.

 

So she called me earlier today and we spoke for about half an hour. There was a lot of noise in the back ground on her side, so she told me she would phone me back in 30 minutes. She never phoned me back. Sent her a text message saying i'll call her tomorrow and we can finish our conversation then.

 

I have some stuff i need to tell her, things that have been bothering her for a long time now and things that used to cause a lot of problems between the two of us in the past, but something that may now not be a factor anymore. I am excited about it and i really want to tell her, but it seems like she's "too busy" the whole time. I don't know if the her saying "call me like you used to" was just a way for me to stop stressing and for her to "get me off her back" so to speak.

 

I'm worried that i might be over thinking things, but im also worried that i might be thinking the right thing.

 

EDIT: Also, she told me that she misses me and she still loves me a lot. And she still sees me as her best friend (we've always considered each other best friends, since the day we started dating). I feel like she only said that because she knows it's what i wanted to hear.

 

Now i am still going to give her her space. I won't call her everyday. I'll call her maybe once ever few days. I want to see if she actually calls me, or texts me. But i'm scared she might not, and i might start jumping to conclusions.

 

that's a heart breaker. I've been in those shoes too. You can't keep letting her put you in these situations where you feel confused for so long, get a hopeful string of clarity dangled in frnot of you only to be replaced by a wave of disappointment when it vanishes back to it's distant home. She likely does love you. She might always love you, but as I said before she's not the same person she used to be, and she's only going to change more. What you mean to her is, form what I can tell slipping into a past tense. You'll always mean a lot to her, but...not something to move toward in the future necessarily. More like a great memory to always reflect on. So yes, break your dependency on her, the emotional flush you felt when she told you she'd call. And break the habit of letting her disappoint you when she promises to get back to you and doesn't. Maybe she is having some family issues, but from the sound of things, she's best resolving them on her own. It's confusing yes, but think with emotion instead of logic. The dynamic has changed with the situation. The future is just as likely to hold you two together as it does you literally never communicating with her again after tonight. Do yourself a favor and set your mind on other things. Get this girl out of your head.

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Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

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Noxxx:

 

To be completely honest here, the actual reason she needs space is completely irrelevant. If a woman needs space in her life, like Tripsis said, nothing is going to put a stop to that that won't make her unhappy. I was in a relationship like that when I was 17 and I handled it very poorly, I was really clingy and texted her a bunch (and, like you, I was told to still do this) but it did nothing to change the situation. I learned a lot from that experience and as I said, the reason a girl wants space from you doesn't matter. She could be lying, she could be telling the truth. The only thing that you can control is yourself. That is the most important thing I have learned in all of my relationship experiences. If she talks to you, be friendly and don't be a jerk (having a woman hate you for a bitter breakup is a bad idea and can dog you more than a amicable--but painful--breakup), but don't call her out of the blue "just to talk." It's totally normal to want to do that, but you know as well as I do that you are perpetuating emotions from your romantic relationship by doing this. Do your best to move on with your own life, take advantage of the space that you now have, and don't let things that are 100% out of your control bring you down.

 

:)

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"He could climb to it, if he climbed alone, and once there he could suck on the pap of life, gulp down the incomparable milk of wonder."

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That sucks Noxx, and it's kind of creepy to read as it's pretty much exactly what happened to me. The only advice I've got is don't expect it to be easy to move on, or quick for that. It's coming up 2 months since my ex left me for pretty much the exact same reasons and I still get the urge to call her and text her, I still think about her everytime my mind has nothing else to do, I still dream about her... The best thing to do is to rediscover yourself, ocupy your time with things you like and not let your mind wander to the 'what ifs'.

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Why can't the Big Bang be done by the hand of God?

It could have, but it is next to impossible because it also could have been caused by the flying spaghetti monster, or one of the other infinite number of deity possibilities.

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For those of you who need to get over a girl (Noxxx, RPG, etc.), you should give this a read:

 

[spoiler=Oneitis-- by Kraftmann]Damned! Never thought, this might happen to me again. But it did, I have Oneitis. Before you barf on your keyboard, I will promise, my post will spare you from selfpitty and whining. The number of cheesy mails on this topic is legion, and there has been given lots of advice about it.

 

I got dumped recently and the sudden impact of Oneitis hit me like thunder. This sudden turmoil of emotions paralyzed me with pain. Advice like GFTOW and go sarging are common knowledge, but the thing was, there was adamant inner resistance to any action like this. My inner condition was not suitable for sarging. The anchors connected with this relationship fired of a lot of memories, which caused pain. I felt like an infant, helpless like a [bleep]ing nursling!

 

Since I read here on this board already quite a long time, I’m pretty familiar with the Oneitis-advice here on the board. But I cannot remember any tool or strategy to handle this sudden strike of pain and agony. It seems like there is a missing link in the Oneitis-processing, which this post might fill. And even more: Maybe it is possible to make Oneitis into something that perpetuates your personal development, an experience that makes you a more mature and independent person.

 

Confronted with Oneitis my first question was, why there is all this anguish and pain. Here I am a 47 years experienced, educated, person with PU knowledge, why do I feel like someone is stabing me with daggers direct into my heart? I have a decent life, have hobbies, friends, why does it hit me so hard?

 

Shinzen Young, a Buddhist monk, described suffering as:

 

suffering= pain *resistance.

 

When you are fighting against the pain, the memories connected with the former LTR, the feeling of missing her etc, this will multiply your suffering 10 times. The more you try to surpress, the harder the suffering will be! Take away the resistance and you will only experience the pain, which still is no fun, but bearable, after you remove the drama of your inner resistance. In some way it is like with an addiction: You have to surrender to this unpleasant state in order to integrate it successfully. And you must surrender in a specific way, not on the surface, but deep within yourself.

 

You have to create awareness for the energetic side of the painful emotions. Emotional pain, though it is created in your mind, is somewhere located in your body. Track it there and feel it, to heal it. You can make this with a kind of meditation:

 

Introduction

 

Sit down, close your eyes, relax and become aware of your body. Your breathing should be continuously and deep. Relax the muscles in your head. Concentrate until you are able to feel your whole head at once. Then go on and relax the muscles in your breast and stomach until you can feel your whole breast and stomach. After that concentrate on your shoulders and arms until you can fell them as a whole. Finally become aware of your legs until you can feel both of them totally. After that, try to feel your whole body at once. Stay in that sate of felt wholeness for as long as you wish.

 

Integration

Now comes the essential part. In order to integrate the Oneitis, you must become aware of its emotional signature. Our common reaction to emotional pain is to back off, to run away or to remain in agony. Instead it is necessary to learn how to feel it. “It is not about feeling better, but about getting better at feeling”. (props. Michael Brown). This is where inner growth sets in.

 

Concentrate now on the pain that goes along with the Oneitis. Do this until your body starts to react. Maybe you will feel an aura of pain in the stomach, or some painful thoughts will arise. Try to find out, where the pain is situated in your body. After you located the pain, concentrate on the quality of the pain: Is it weak or strong? What sensation is it? Is it numb, burning etc.? How big is the area the pain covers? Is it stable or shifting? Is it pulsating?

 

Do not concentrate on the verbal information of the pain, it will only mess up your state.. Whenever there are painful thoughts entering your awareness say loud or for yourself: “thought”, and try to locate their place in the body. Watch all your bodily sensations that go along with the pain, do it with unconditional love. No judgment about the pain itself, be with it without condition (props: Michael Brown). In the process of this meditation the quality of the pain will change, it will no longer be pain, it will become floating or pulsation energy, let it wander in your body or stay in one position. When it is pulsation you can feel how the energy is massaging your body. When it moves on, let it move.

 

Do this meditation at least twice a day, early in the morning after you got up and in the evening before you go to bed. Do it for at least 15-20 Minutes. Whenever you experience Oneitis during the day do only locate its situation in the body and stay with it. Any dwelling with the verbal information will harm you.

 

Very soon after I started with this meditation, the Oneitis changed. Before I felt like a cowboy confronted with a panicking herd of buffaloes. Now it’s more like being the prairie itself. It is nice to see the bulls running through the grass. It’s a sign of flourishing live.

 

Only after you finished this integration will you be able to go out sarging smoothly and successfully. Different than many opinions on the forum, I do not belief that sarging and GTFTOW has a healing effect. For me it always was fiddling with the effects, not real integration. And we all know that sarging only will be successful, when we are in proper state. So for me it seems natural to fix the inner issue first and then go out in the field again.

 

This integration process will not only align your Oneitis. Oneitis triggers the helplessness of you as a small child. The pain, agony and desperation you feel is not caused by some HBBullshit. The HB only triggers some old issues that are buried in your soul. Stay with them, give them your unconditional awareness and love and take care of them like you would of a little child, and you will see, that Oneitis will become a chance for inner growth.

 

For me, this process has worked pretty well. To do it, you might need some knowledge of meditation. You can find some pretty good stuff in the audiobooks and the website of Shinzen Young:

 

http://www.shinzen.org/

 

Look under “Dharma Talks”.

 

Furthermore I recommend reading Michael Browns “Presence Process”. He describes the connection between present drama and past undigested experience very well.

 

I gladly welcome suggestions and discussion of the topic!

 

Regards

 

Kraftmann

 

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Asked Stacey to prom today after rehearsal and she said yes, I'm on top of the [bleep]ing world.

 

Sweeeet

 

@muggi

 

not to take away from the sentiment, but that sounds like the biggest load of crap ever. I just channeled the pain I felt into motivation for physical efforts, and my job and felt 1000x better about myself. Just accomplish stuff for yourself that you can be proud of and take your mind off it to focus on better things.

Quote

 

Quote

Anyone who likes tacos is incapable of logic.

Anyone who likes logic is incapable of tacos.

 

PSA: SaqPrets is an Estonian Dude

Steam: NippleBeardTM

Origin: Brand_New_iPwn

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