"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[muggiwhplar]

Asked Stacey to prom today after rehearsal and she said yes, I'm on top of the [bleep]ing world.

 

Sweeeet

 

@muggi

 

not to take away from the sentiment, but that sounds like the biggest load of crap ever. I just channeled the pain I felt into motivation for physical efforts, and my job and felt 1000x better about myself. Just accomplish stuff for yourself that you can be proud of and take your mind off it to focus on better things.

 

If you gave it a shot, perhaps you wouldn't still be complaining about your ex on here >_>

 

Takes less than a month to get over a girl via meditation, as opposed to months/years through the traditional path of time+other girls.

[obfuscator]

How do you know everyone takes months/years to get over an ex? One size does not fit all....

 

That said, coming to terms with the pain and accepting what happened is important, and if the meditation helps to do that then why not...

[RpgGamer]

(edit) eh, screw it nevermind

[TTanT]

Welp, my girlfriend and I broke up, and for good this time. Below is a massive rambling wall of text which was written partially so that i could organize my own head. Skip it for the TL;DR

[hide=Drama]

It was about as good natured as a break as either of us could have hoped for, and we still intend to be great friends. However, it still sucks if I'm going to be honest.

 

I expected her to want to break up with me again, so I was mentally prepared for it. However, some of the crap that's come up for since is making moving on hard as hell.

->Long talk after, she admits the following throughout it:

-She's still attracted to me

-She's only breaking up with me because "There's no chance of it working." (This fatalistic attitude comes from her parents being staunchly against it, and her not wanting to/ not understanding she can just ignore that once she's an adult.)

-There're other guys she likes but she doubts they'll want to date her. (She asked one of them out a bit after this conversation and was shot down.)

However she doubts she'll ever end up being in another relationship, and if I egt into another relationship she admits she'll be jealous, although she claims she'll be jealous of me having a happy relationship when she doesn't, rather than of the girl for dating me.

 

Then at the end of this talk we end up having phone sex (well, not actually through a phone, but through what were basically phones). This made me think that she'd end up wanting me back relatively quickly, but on Monday she seemed against it.

So about a week later when we had a chess meet and thus some time in a deserted hallway, I took my chance to try a test: kissing her. She kissed me back and reprimanded me only jokingly (and about stuff like how we could've been seen, no less). On the bus ride home from the chess meet we furtively held hands.

 

So I told her on the day after that that we definitely needed to talk, and she agreed. We were either going to A: Talk online this weekend if she could sneak it, or B: talk after school on Monday.

 

So now we're in the weekend, and the side account she'd used to message me was just disabled (I learned this when I logged into it to see why its profile picture disappeared and Facebook congratulated me for reactivating it).

 

So now I'm as confused as all hell.

-Did she delete the account? if so, why? Or did her parents delete it, in which case, how badly is she grounded and how will that affect things?

-Are we just friends with benefits, or does she want something more and is stuck in indecision?

 

I'll get some form of answers to those on Monday, but I figured I'd post here to organize my thoughts and maybe get some good advice.

 

 

And one final thing:

The day after she broke up with me I was considering who I'd try to date next to help myself get over her. However, now I find myself crushing/liking another girl who may or may not like me, and stuck in a rather crappy combination of emotions. I have a bit of irrational guilt as if I'm cheating because of 2 years of "NO DON'T THINK OF OTHER GIRLS THAT WAY" mental reflex, along with rises and falls in between confidence "She'd totally date me" and pessimism "She's way out of your league, and what do you even know about her?"

So yeah, advice on getting out of good boyfriend habits would help as well. They're not very good for considering partners, which is something that'll likely be an issue coming up (I honestly doubt my ex wants anything more serious than best friend with benefits).

 

Also, how does Friends with benefits work, morality wise? I mean, I'm fine with it as a concept, but never considered it seriously as I never expected my self to have/be one.

Does one simply be with said friend w/ benefits while in between partners, only to drop them when you find a serious relationship? And where is the line where you cut it off the benefits? The first date (seems like a dick move to me)? When you start thinking about another person seriously? Some middle ground?

I'm just fishing for opinions from people who have actually dealt with this to help me claw my way through this moral fog. Because honestly I've never been had my ethics challenged and confused more than they have been by this situation. That's probably a lot more of an issue for me than the oneitis. I have that, but know the steps to deal with it. Ethical conundrums however screw me up. [/hide]

 

TL;DR

Girlfriend broke up with me, we're still good friends. We kissed post break-up and so I don't know where we are. Meanwhile I'd been looking at other girls because I figured i should get over her, and now I've fallen for one a little, maybe. But now after that kiss everything hard to figure out a crap.

What are the general rules of ethicalness when it comes to Friends with benefits and normal relationships? (Obviously don't have both at once, but beyond that?) And how does one get rid of old habits like knee jerk reactions to avoid flirting too much, and more or less auto-friend zoning because youre in a relationship?

 

EDIT: And I'm definitely not open-minded enough to consider any form of polygamy. One day I might (I'm not discounting it because I can't predict for how I'll change), but right now it'd go against my values directly. And my values are confused enough as is right now.

[muggiwhplar]

Just enjoy being single for a while.

[RpgGamer]

I'm drunk so take this with a grain of salt. bang your ex, then try to get with new girls whatever.

[Tim]

Another classical moment of "Don't listen to RPG's horrid advice that DOES NOT WORK."

[HappyNooblet]

I have a crush on this girl,

She has a crush on me.

But our friends [rooster] block me and her a lot..........................

.................................

and then it gets really awkward.

[Sam]

Not very good friends, huh? They're probably jealous of you and this chick.

[Kalphite]

I have a crush on this girl,

She has a crush on me.

But our friends [rooster] block me and her a lot..........................

.................................

and then it gets really awkward.

 

 

So hang out with her alone?

[RpgGamer]

Another classical moment of "Don't listen to RPG's horrid advice that DOES NOT WORK."

 

Hey, I was drunk. And mad. But usually I give decent advice. Probably like a 70/30 split.

 

I have a crush on this girl,

She has a crush on me.

But our friends [rooster] block me and her a lot..........................

.................................

and then it gets really awkward.

 

 

So hang out with her alone?

 

this pretty much. I had a friend that did that too, but after talking to him about how much of a douche he was being he cut it out.

[Kalphite]

So I ended up hanging out with Stacey at a friend's party last night, and we ended up cuddling for basically the last few hours, so I was thinking, damn, I've finally got this.

 

Today she texted me and said, "Hey just making sure, we're just going to prom as friends, right?".

 

[bleep].

 

So basically, I ended up telling her I liked her, and she offered to let me go find someone else if I wanted to find someone I actually could start a relationship with, but she still wanted to go with me if I would still go with her. Not exactly any options for me at this point though, so I said I'd still go with her. Woo awkward friend date. At least I'm not going alone though I guess.

 

Damn I can't wait until I can start fresh in college...

[TTanT]

So I ended up hanging out with Stacey at a friend's party last night, and we ended up cuddling for basically the last few hours, so I was thinking, damn, I've finally got this.

 

Today she texted me and said, "Hey just making sure, we're just going to prom as friends, right?".

 

[bleep].

 

So basically, I ended up telling her I liked her, and she offered to let me go find someone else if I wanted to find someone I actually could start a relationship with, but she still wanted to go with me if I would still go with her. Not exactly any options for me at this point though, so I said I'd still go with her. Woo awkward friend date. At least I'm not going alone though I guess.

 

Damn I can't wait until I can start fresh in college...

I'd recommend finding someone else/ going alone.

Going alone would be more fun than going with a person who you have one-sided feelings for, and then you can still flirt and such.

 

@Happynooblet:

Try to hang out with her alone, and if that fails then tell them to cut it out. Or even better, do both in that order.

 

And @my issue:

RPG, your suggestion helped a bit because something simialr to that HAD been running around the back of my head. And your brash mentioning of it helped me acknowledge it.

So yeah, I'm going to avoid dating anyone for a while later (until at least a month/ two months post-breakup),a nd after that anything'll go pretty much.

But I'm going to try to put an end to the friends with benefits stuff tomorrow when I see her, as I have a feeling it won't end well.

 

However, I may end up asking out that girl I've developed minor feelings for after that time period has elapsed. Assuming she's single. And that what I'm feeling for her at this moment isn't rebound. For now though I'm just stepping back and letting rationality set back in for a bit.

Good idea Y/N?

[RpgGamer]

So I ended up hanging out with Stacey at a friend's party last night, and we ended up cuddling for basically the last few hours, so I was thinking, damn, I've finally got this.

 

Today she texted me and said, "Hey just making sure, we're just going to prom as friends, right?".

 

[bleep].

 

So basically, I ended up telling her I liked her, and she offered to let me go find someone else if I wanted to find someone I actually could start a relationship with, but she still wanted to go with me if I would still go with her. Not exactly any options for me at this point though, so I said I'd still go with her. Woo awkward friend date. At least I'm not going alone though I guess.

 

Damn I can't wait until I can start fresh in college...

I'd recommend finding someone else/ going alone.

Going alone would be more fun than going with a person who you have one-sided feelings for, and then you can still flirt and such.

 

@Happynooblet:

Try to hang out with her alone, and if that fails then tell them to cut it out. Or even better, do both in that order.

 

And @my issue:

RPG, your suggestion helped a bit because something simialr to that HAD been running around the back of my head. And your brash mentioning of it helped me acknowledge it.

So yeah, I'm going to avoid dating anyone for a while later (until at least a month/ two months post-breakup),a nd after that anything'll go pretty much.

But I'm going to try to put an end to the friends with benefits stuff tomorrow when I see her, as I have a feeling it won't end well.

 

However, I may end up asking out that girl I've developed minor feelings for after that time period has elapsed. Assuming she's single. And that what I'm feeling for her at this moment isn't rebound. For now though I'm just stepping back and letting rationality set back in for a bit.

Good idea Y/N?

 

I agree with you with all but one concept: don't wait 1 month/2 months/whatever. Never put a deadline on an emotion. You'll be ready when you're ready. If you're ready now - do it. If' you're not, get ready as soon as you can. Don't waste your time planning out things you can't control. For all you know someone else is trying to move in on her, and you could lose your opportunity cause you were off dicking around in your head.

[Low Levelled]

girls scare me :(

[Riku3220]

girls scare me :(

There's always homosexuality.

[muggiwhplar]

Last night I went out with a girl whom I hadn't been with in a while. She told me that she thinks I've gotten a lot more attractive since the last time I saw her (January). The funny thing is, nothing's changed about me as far as looks go. My physical appearance hasn't changed at all-- the only thing that's really changed about me is my "vibe"-- and that's cuz it's something I'm always working on.

 

It's pretty easy for guys to deduce why they find girls attractive-- it's usually based on the girl's physical appearance. But a lot of the time girls can't seem to put their finger on why they find certain men attractive. My friend told me herself that she didn't know why she found me more attractive now.

 

I did a search for it on one of the sites I study and this popped right up! http://www.personalpowermeditation.com/forum/social-dynamics/women-do-not-actually-know-why-they-find-you-attractive/

 

Makes a lot of sense to me. Do you guys agree or disagree with that post?

[Jeffwilson99]

Interesting muggi, though I always take articles like that with a grain of salt when they try and sound scientific but are completely unreferenced.

 

But at the core i see what the guy is getting at and generally agree.

[Laikrob]

Last night I went out with a girl whom I hadn't been with in a while. She told me that she thinks I've gotten a lot more attractive since the last time I saw her (January). The funny thing is, nothing's changed about me as far as looks go. My physical appearance hasn't changed at all-- the only thing that's really changed about me is my "vibe"-- and that's cuz it's something I'm always working on.

 

It's pretty easy for guys to deduce why they find girls attractive-- it's usually based on the girl's physical appearance. But a lot of the time girls can't seem to put their finger on why they find certain men attractive. My friend told me herself that she didn't know why she found me more attractive now.

 

I did a search for it on one of the sites I study and this popped right up! http://www.personalpowermeditation.com/forum/social-dynamics/women-do-not-actually-know-why-they-find-you-attractive/

 

Makes a lot of sense to me. Do you guys agree or disagree with that post?

At first I thought "Maybe he's on to something...", then I read on.

I am by no means a feminazi, but he comes off as having a low opinion on women's capability of interpreting and expressing their own emotions.Thankfully many of us are. Reading the replies to the OT, I can see he's on Tramadol, which explains a fair bit.

 

Eye contact, mirroring, paying attention and a positive and empathetic mind are all traits that will attract the opposite - or same - sex. Combine it with a healthy portion of confidence and a wingman of the same gender that you are trying to attract, and you are guaranteed good results.

 

Women are attracted by the same core things as mentioned above, but many, if not most, also have "no-go lists". (Mine includes racists, people who get violent and those whose lives revolve solely around material goods.) That means the opposite traits on those lists are things that in a way do attract us. These can be values in life, political views, material goods or details about looks. All of them easier to describe than the way someone looked at you or smiled at you, which is why it is more commonly listed.

 

Also, thankfully most of the guys I know are attracted to other things than big [bleep] and a nice ass. This "article" seems over simplified and dumbs down both genders, but opiates do that. ;)

[tripsis]

That article may have some truth to it in some cases, but it would be silly to assume that's how it is in all cases.

 

"She says she likes me because I'm good-looking"

"My one said it was because I was confident"

"Mine said it was because we had similar interests"

"Mine said it was because I play a musical instrument well"

 

Those are perfectly valid reasons to like someone, and different women can like the same guy (or different guys) for different reasons.

 

I also agree with what Laila said:

 

 

he comes off as having a low opinion on women's capability of interpreting and expressing their own emotions

[obfuscator]

Mine includes racists

 

Racist. :P

 

Post was interesting, not sure how accurate it is though...

[Low Levelled]

girls scare me :(

There's always homosexuality.

 

 

Boys scare me :(

 

Can i be asexual?

[RpgGamer]

girls scare me :(

There's always homosexuality.

 

 

Boys scare me :(

 

Can i be asexual?

 

Only 1% of the human population is asexual. I've met two of them. Definitely not for me, but hey if that's what you want...

[Range_This11]

Women in my area like flat-bill 59/50 hats, Affliction shirts, and high-top Nikes. In other words, they are attracted to guys that dress like jerk-offs. But hey, that's the college crowd for you haha.

[Jeffwilson99]

Women in my area like flat-bill 59/50 hats, Affliction shirts, and high-top Nikes. In other words, they are attracted to guys that dress like jerk-offs. But hey, that's the college crowd for you haha.

 

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