"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Noxx]

Why are relationships always such a game of guessing? Why can't you just walk up to a girl and tell her "hey, i like you. I like spending time with you. I like spending as much time with you as i can." Why do we always need to play games to see how someone really feels :/

Because the more you reveal about what your thinking/how your feeling, the more your putting yourself out there, and the more you fear your going to mess things up/scare them off. The more your together, the more comftorable you become revealing things about yourself, and the less games you end up playing.

But do you really want to have to play games for someone to get to know the real you? Its funny because at the end of the day that person doesnt even get to know the real you, but the you you had to become for them to get to know you. Does that makes sense?

Who says im not comfortable revealing who i am from the get-go? Id much rather put it all out there from day one and have them know exactly who or what they are dealing with instead of hiding certain things and have the other person find out about them somewhere down the line "when the time is right" and end up getting hurt more then than i would have been hurt had i chosen not to play these games inthe first place.

 

Sorry if what im saying comes out a but confusing.

[tripsis]

Why are relationships always such a game of guessing? Why can't you just walk up to a girl and tell her "hey, i like you. I like spending time with you. I like spending as much time with you as i can." Why do we always need to play games to see how someone really feels :/

Because the more you reveal about what your thinking/how your feeling, the more your putting yourself out there, and the more you fear your going to mess things up/scare them off. The more your together, the more comftorable you become revealing things about yourself, and the less games you end up playing.

But do you really want to have to play games for someone to get to know the real you? Its funny because at the end of the day that person doesnt even get to know the real you, but the you you had to become for them to get to know you. Does that makes sense?

Who says im not comfortable revealing who i am from the get-go? Id much rather put it all out there from day one and have them know exactly who or what they are dealing with instead of hiding certain things and have the other person find out about them somewhere down the line "when the time is right" and end up getting hurt more then than i would have been hurt had i chosen not to play these games inthe first place.

 

Sorry if what im saying comes out a but confusing.

I don't think she was using "you" to refer to you specifically, but rather to speak about people in general. And ultimately she's right. You may have "seen the light" and understand the reality. But most people don't. Most people are too shy and too afraid of being completely honest about themselves. They fear rejection so they'd rather resort to methods that have proven to work.

 

Neither of us are saying that games are right. We're just explaining why most people play them.

[Noxx]

Oh i wasn't saying it was about right or wrong. I was just expressing my frustration at how i don't see why we have to (and yes sometimes there's not many other choices) resort to playing games.

[tripsis]

Oh i wasn't saying it was about right or wrong. I was just expressing my frustration at how i don't see why we have to (and yes sometimes there's not many other choices) resort to playing games.

Sorry must have been some miscommunication there :P I completely agree though. People always think "Oh I have to act like this" or "I have to remember to not mention that I play games!" etc. But if you do that, you can't have a serious relationship.. because you're constantly putting on a show and you obviously don't want to have to do that forever. Eventually you'll either have to break up with the person or come out and say "Oh actually you don't know the real me, I've just been showing you what I thought you'd want to see."

 

It's sad that so many people don't understand that.

[Aeon_]

I wouldn't say there's a universal amount of time. As long as you're both clearly enjoying each others' company, there's no need to hold back. If you have doubts, a good test might be to pull back a little bit. If she starts asking why you're not around or inviting you out, she's clearly enjoying spending time with you. If she doesn't seem bothered... maybe she's not.

Well, a few weeks back she was saying I was being 'dull' and not speaking to her much and starting conversations. Then, since we both enjoy writing, I decided to talk to her about that. That went on for a couple of weeks (her mostly starting conversations) but the last couple of weeks she's not been talking or starting conversations much. So by what you're saying, she went from interested to not interested these last few weeks? Or am I over analysing? Over analysing is a bad habit of mine. :|

There could be a variety of reasons. It's hard for me to poinpoint the exact one since I don't know her, I haven't observed your interactions, and haven't seen any of these accounts first hand. Here are some ideas though:

 

1. She's just been busy IRL.

 

2. She really did just lose interest in you.

 

3. It could be a coincidence that you just catch her at a bad time and whenever she's about to start a conversation you get there first. How is she when you do speak to her? Even if you start the conversation first, does she appear enthusiastic? Or does she seem like she's giving you halfass answers and is just replying to you because she doesn't want to tell you to go away?

 

4. If you've liked this girl for as long as you're saying (a few months) maybe she started out liking you but has given up. Maybe she's thinking "It's been months and this hasn't gone anywhere. He clearly hasn't asked me out and doesn't like me so I won't waste my time anymore."

The thing is I don't think she's ever been 'interested'; because she definitely does like me, and recently has been acting more...I don't know if you'd consider it flirty but liking me better? But apparently she fancies someone, so that much is obvious. Because alone she does seem flirty, but outside of lessons where we sit together she acts more in a kind of jokey, not so flirty way.

And the only time she's been busy (as far as I know) is recently her Gran's gone to hospital and she's been visiting; I have talked to her and tried to comfort her about it, though I'm not sure how successful I was.

[tripsis]

The thing is I don't think she's ever been 'interested'; because she definitely does like me, and recently has been acting more...I don't know if you'd consider it flirty but liking me better? But apparently she fancies someone, so that much is obvious. Because alone she does seem flirty, but outside of lessons where we sit together she acts more in a kind of jokey, not so flirty way.

And the only time she's been busy (as far as I know) is recently her Gran's gone to hospital and she's been visiting; I have talked to her and tried to comfort her about it, though I'm not sure how successful I was.

Well to be honest, at this point you've almost certainly been friendzoned. It's been months and you haven't made a move, so she probably assumes you never will and that you're just a friend.

[Aeon_]

The thing is I don't think she's ever been 'interested'; because she definitely does like me, and recently has been acting more...I don't know if you'd consider it flirty but liking me better? But apparently she fancies someone, so that much is obvious. Because alone she does seem flirty, but outside of lessons where we sit together she acts more in a kind of jokey, not so flirty way.

And the only time she's been busy (as far as I know) is recently her Gran's gone to hospital and she's been visiting; I have talked to her and tried to comfort her about it, though I'm not sure how successful I was.

Well to be honest, at this point you've almost certainly been friendzoned. It's been months and you haven't made a move, so she probably assumes you never will and that you're just a friend.

I did ask her out at the beginning of February, she said that she thinks it would be better to stay friends-almost certain friendzone.

I can post what she said yesterday if it would help?

[tripsis]

The thing is I don't think she's ever been 'interested'; because she definitely does like me, and recently has been acting more...I don't know if you'd consider it flirty but liking me better? But apparently she fancies someone, so that much is obvious. Because alone she does seem flirty, but outside of lessons where we sit together she acts more in a kind of jokey, not so flirty way.

And the only time she's been busy (as far as I know) is recently her Gran's gone to hospital and she's been visiting; I have talked to her and tried to comfort her about it, though I'm not sure how successful I was.

Well to be honest, at this point you've almost certainly been friendzoned. It's been months and you haven't made a move, so she probably assumes you never will and that you're just a friend.

I did ask her out at the beginning of February, she said that she thinks it would be better to stay friends-almost certain friendzone.

I can post what she said yesterday if it would help?

Well before anything else - what exactly are you trying to achieve at this point then? You have been friendzoned. Normally that would be the end of it, but apparently it's not. So are you trying to change her mind and get her to like you or what? What's your goal here?

[Aeon_]

The thing is I don't think she's ever been 'interested'; because she definitely does like me, and recently has been acting more...I don't know if you'd consider it flirty but liking me better? But apparently she fancies someone, so that much is obvious. Because alone she does seem flirty, but outside of lessons where we sit together she acts more in a kind of jokey, not so flirty way.

And the only time she's been busy (as far as I know) is recently her Gran's gone to hospital and she's been visiting; I have talked to her and tried to comfort her about it, though I'm not sure how successful I was.

Well to be honest, at this point you've almost certainly been friendzoned. It's been months and you haven't made a move, so she probably assumes you never will and that you're just a friend.

I did ask her out at the beginning of February, she said that she thinks it would be better to stay friends- an almost certain friendzone.

I can post what she said yesterday if it would help?

Well before anything else - what exactly are you trying to achieve at this point then? You have been friendzoned. Normally that would be the end of it, but apparently it's not. So are you trying to change her mind and get her to like you or what? What's your goal here?

Well, yes that is the goal. I'm a bit stubborn.

A detail I forgot to mention before is that she's my ex's best friend, which doesn't help matters at all.

[tripsis]

Well, yes that is the goal. I'm a bit stubborn.

A detail I forgot to mention before is that she's my ex's best friend, which doesn't help matters at all.

Well if you want the cold hard truth, I'd say move on. I know you like her, but do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? You shouldn't have to convince someone to be with you or have to change her mind. Where's the romance in that?

 

But if you're determined and seriously want to give this a shot, despite what I said, then you'll have to go with the aforementioned mind games. But being the clingy always available friend type will not get her to like you. Instead, you have to be the desirable unobtainable type. That means your best (and probably only) chance is to not try to be with her. You have to branch out, be confident, excel in your activities, make new friends, flirt with other girls. Dan wrote a post about how if you're always available that makes you easy to get. If you're throwing yourself at a girl but no one is throwing themselves at you, it makes you look easy, and thus undesirable. Girls like a challenge. They like guys who are desirable - and not just to themselves, but to others as well.

 

So if you go out, get yourself a new life, become desirable to other girls, and even show a bit of interest in them, you'll catch her eye in a NEW way. There's no point in trying to catch this girl's eye in the same way all over again. You tried that once and it didn't work. So you need a new approach. If she thinks you're not interested in her any more, you'll suddenly become unobtainable, and that will make you more attractive to her.

[Aeon_]

Sounds like a plan. Thanks for the help. :)

And in the process of that, I'll probably fall for someone else anyway. :thumbup:

[Omar]

Why are relationships always such a game of guessing? Why can't you just walk up to a girl and tell her "hey, i like you. I like spending time with you. I like spending as much time with you as i can." Why do we always need to play games to see how someone really feels :/

Because the more you reveal about what your thinking/how your feeling, the more your putting yourself out there, and the more you fear your going to mess things up/scare them off. The more your together, the more comftorable you become revealing things about yourself, and the less games you end up playing.

But do you really want to have to play games for someone to get to know the real you? Its funny because at the end of the day that person doesnt even get to know the real you, but the you you had to become for them to get to know you. Does that makes sense?

Who says im not comfortable revealing who i am from the get-go? Id much rather put it all out there from day one and have them know exactly who or what they are dealing with instead of hiding certain things and have the other person find out about them somewhere down the line "when the time is right" and end up getting hurt more then than i would have been hurt had i chosen not to play these games inthe first place.

 

Sorry if what im saying comes out a but confusing.

Pulling it all out there from day one is not possible. You can't just give a Powerpoint presentation. People learn who you are through your actions. That takes at least a modicum of time...

[Bonez899]

All right, early warning before RPG gamer gets in here, he is dating his Ex again...

[tripsis]

I believe that was an April Fools joke :P

[RpgGamer]

I believe that was an April Fools joke :P

 

Indeed :P

 

Silly Bonez899

[Bonez899]

I believe that was an April Fools joke :P

 

Indeed :P

 

Silly Bonez899

<_< :angry:

[Kalphite]

So, a bit of a more interesting development in my case.

 

So I talked to Stacey last night on facebook, and eventually he topic came back to, well, us. After about 2 hours, we finally cleared up every little piece of drama that's been going on between us over the last three years, and this is what I learned:

- She did like me around February when I made that original post, but that one [bleep] friend that was causing me problems lied to her and told her I was over her so she ignored it, and then her getting sick really didn't help anything

-She had liked me since January, before her last ex even broke up with her.

-She still likes me, but is afraid of losing me as a friend because we've been getting so close and is afraid of what will happen when I go off to college next year (granted, she's staying at home and the place I'm going is only an hour away, but I won't have access to a car and she doesn't have her license yet).

-She is also afraid that she's a bad girlfriend because with her last two exes she lost interest quickly after the first couple weeks they were dating (though they both were clingy as all hell). At the same time, she already feels closer to me than she did to either of them.

 

 

So after all of this, I proposed that we just hang out and see how it works out; if its awkward I'll drop it, if not we'll keep going. She agreed that it was a good idea. She then went to bed saying she'd have to really think about everything that I had said, and that she would want me to do the same for her point of view. So...I guess I'll see what happens with this, lol.

[Aeon_]

This idea I have will only work if you have weekly/monthly/however long bus passes, but if you or her get a bus pass then you can go to wherever for (basically) free if you do it often enough. Then again, you may be losing money in the form of not using the pass enough. That's what I would do, but seeing as where I live there's a service like that it's a good thing to consider.

[spoiler=Pop culture reference]

 

[Kalphite]

This idea I have will only work if you have weekly/monthly/however long bus passes, but if you or her get a bus pass then you can go to wherever for (basically) free if you do it often enough. Then again, you may be losing money in the form of not using the pass enough. That's what I would do, but seeing as where I live there's a service like that it's a good thing to consider.

[spoiler=Pop culture reference]

 

 

Yeah I'll look into that but I don't think that there are buses like that here in Michigan >.> All the car companies sort of axed any chance this place had of public transit, lol.

[Randox]

Look into buses. Around here we have what are essentially tour buses that run between a few of the cities and towns carrying passengers and also acting as couriers (generally for larger things that you do NOT want to mail or fedex). Not sure what they cost, but they would certainly facilitate weekend visits to various places around the province. And its a private company, not public transit. Public transit only does the city where I live and the surrounding areas.

[Bonez899]

^^ On what Randox said, those buses cost like $60 to go from a central place in one province to a place way out there in another one, really cheap for the distance (over 300km...).

[MuffinMaddy]

Hey guys, I just thought I'd give you the updates on my little 'issue'

 

Basically in the past few months, the guy I like and I have become good friends and have been spending a lot of time together and generally getting to know each other. Sometimes I've felt like it's cool, I can suppress my feelings and be fine with friendship, since he initially told me he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. I've liked him for quite a while and thought I'd respect that choice of his when he told me. However, it's just a bit like I've been acting with him. Our friendship is real, definitely, but I've been trying to keep my cool around him a lot and it's worked, on the outside. When my friends and I were having a 'heart to heart' about who we find attractive, when I told them, they were all pleasantly surprised. No one would have ever suspected it. Either way, I knew the reality that I did still fancy him, and keeping it in wasn't really helping the situation.

 

Yesterday I thought I should explain to him how I feel, not really looking for a response or anything but just sort of telling him. We won't see each other in person for a few weeks since we're on Spring break, so my friend said the best way to do it considering the circumstances would be electronically. I decided I'd text him there and then, just because I know I will back out if I waited any longer. In short, I basically said I think I've started liking him a bit more than a friend and that I hope telling him doesn't make it awkward between us and that I'm sorry I wasn't able to say it face to face.

 

His reply:

"Wow Maddy!! Oh Wow.. I'm not going to lie, you have obviously boosted up your confidence and that's pretty amazing!! WELL DONE. WOOP WOOP WOOP. Don't let this put you down, but you're a lovely girl Maddy but at the moment I'm not sure about this going further :S We can still be friends though, don't worry haha. I hope you're having a smashing Easter, and NO IT'S NOT AWKWARD IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM!! XX I'll talk to you later."

 

and he later followed it up with a text saying "Hahaha don't worry, I'm glad you let it out because that would have bugged you for ages. But yeah, thanks for letting me know and remember it's always best to say anything to me rather than keeping it a secret. It's not awkward at all."

 

I wasn't expecting him to say yes either, but I'm not sure whether this is an overall positive experience or a negative one. In some ways, it's like I've overcome my fear of 'rejection' and I've been able to express how I feel to someone I've been hiding from. Deep down I'm happy though, that we can still be friends because he's helped me a lot with my general confidence, and he's just someone I can talk to.

[RpgGamer]

He seemed weirdly excited that you were into him

[Omar]

Yeah, his first answer is super weird. But at any rate, you got it out there, managed to speak up, that's probably the most important part. Props!

[Riku3220]

So Lydia's dad cut off her contact with me. She has no phone or Internet for who knows how long. They got into an argument about our relationship a while back. He basically believes that she shouldn't be in a long distance relationship at her age (she's 18) and that she should be focusing on school, her writing, and having a job. He actually said, "You can resume what you guys are doing after you're both established adults, if you're both even still interested in having a relationship by then." He also believes that I'm using her as a "trainer girlfriend" and that I'll dump her as soon as I go off to college.

 

I can deal with not being able to talk to her for a while but I'm mostly worried that he's going to keep her from coming to my graduation, which is the first time I'll have seen her in person in 4 years. What am I supposed to do to keep him from going full retard and banning her from seeing me?