"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[RpgGamer]

 

You could keep her around without promising exclusivity >_>

 

just sayin'...

Seems like the best of both worlds to me, actually. It does take a lot of commitment not to make a commitment though, as paradoxical as it may sound.

 

 

This is inevitably how I handled my situation, which was already deteriorated to near nothing by the point of my decision. Made getting used to a new life style a bit easier, as there was a more clearly defined transition phase. And it felt kind of nice, given the circumstances.

[Randox]

I guess it comes down to whether you are willing to give her another chance or not. Your going to have the best idea if she is sincerely sorry, or if she is just trying to manipulate you into letter her back into your life. If you don't have any other pressing social engagements, I would probably be willing to give them another shot if I still wanted to be with them. But its a one chance deal. You don't get to make this mistake more than once.

[Noxx]

The problem is, I love her. So much that I would run, yes run, back to her right now even after all the drama. It's pathetic, I know. But that's love. She called me earlier and told me that she's so sorry for everything she's put me through. She said she has spent a lot of time thinking about everything and she thought letting me go was what was best for us both, but she sees now that she needs me just as much as I need her. She told me her life seemed so much happier and less complicated when she was with me.

 

Now that being said, I told her that right now I need time to think. She hurt me a lot and I have done a lot of stupid things because of what she did. Things that are going to take a long time to repair. I told her that "getting back together" is not going to be easy. Not after what has happened. Right now i feel like i have no trust for her anymore and it's going to take me a while to regain all the trust i had for her. And i told her that there's going to have to be complete honesty from her side before i make any further decisions. I know her too well, and she knows that. So i'll know when she's lying and when shes omitting things. But i want the truth to come from her. i want to be 100% sure that she's not just running back to me because i'm a safety net or because she's bored. i also told her that we're going to have to work on communication, a lot. Talk more often than we have been, but not just on the phone, we need to skype so we can actually see each other.

 

I told her it's going to take some work and she needs to think about it, if she's willing to do what is needed.

So i guess i'll wait a while before making up my mind about what to do.

 

EDIT: I want to give her another chance. What happened today is exactly what i was hoping would, but now that it happened i'm not as happy as i thought i would be. I feel rreally paranoid about it. I'm questioning things left and right.

[RpgGamer]

The problem is, I love her. So much that I would run, yes run, back to her right now even after all the drama. It's pathetic, I know. But that's love. She called me earlier and told me that she's so sorry for everything she's put me through. She said she has spent a lot of time thinking about everything and she thought letting me go was what was best for us both, but she sees now that she needs me just as much as I need her. She told me her life seemed so much happier and less complicated when she was with me.

 

Now that being said, I told her that right now I need time to think. She hurt me a lot and I have done a lot of stupid things because of what she did. Things that are going to take a long time to repair. I told her that "getting back together" is not going to be easy. Not after what has happened. Right now i feel like i have no trust for her anymore and it's going to take me a while to regain all the trust i had for her. And i told her that there's going to have to be complete honesty from her side before i make any further decisions. I know her too well, and she knows that. So i'll know when she's lying and when shes omitting things. But i want the truth to come from her. i want to be 100% sure that she's not just running back to me because i'm a safety net or because she's bored. i also told her that we're going to have to work on communication, a lot. Talk more often than we have been, but not just on the phone, we need to skype so we can actually see each other.

 

I told her it's going to take some work and she needs to think about it, if she's willing to do what is needed.

So i guess i'll wait a while before making up my mind about what to do.

 

EDIT: I want to give her another chance. What happened today is exactly what i was hoping would, but now that it happened i'm not as happy as i thought i would be. I feel rreally paranoid about it. I'm questioning things left and right.

 

Alright, but I'm placing money that in the event she does fall into this habit again she'll source your hesitation in getting back together as the issue.

That's what mine did to me. blech.

 

Best of luck to you though, I'd love for things to work out for you

[Noxx]

Well, at the end of the day love makes you do stupid things, but as a person i am pretty stupid too, so the two kind of rule each other out (see, with that kind of logic i can't be smart). So basically, i'm stupid enough to allow myself (most likely) for what's going on now. But i'm going to be cautious and soon as i see things are fishy, i'm cutting all ties. Heck i was preparing to do it now anyway, next time should be easier :D

[RpgGamer]

Well, at the end of the day love makes you do stupid things, but as a person i am pretty stupid too, so the two kind of rule each other out (see, with that kind of logic i can't be smart). So basically, i'm stupid enough to allow myself (most likely) for what's going on now. But i'm going to be cautious and soon as i see things are fishy, i'm cutting all ties. Heck i was preparing to do it now anyway, next time should be easier :D

 

Not a bad attitude. Someone on here once told me that "girls are confusing because they themselves are confused". Got me through a lot of this kind of crap.

[Assume Nothing]

I'm wondering if she knows how manipulable you are, Nox... I'm placing my bets on 'yes, yes she does'.

 

I'd say the crux of the issue is probably far beyond your ability to fix - so why bother with trying to get back together at all? The issues would always re-emerge because you weren't right for each-other to begin with. I'm still getting that strong feeling that you're being played for here, especially now that you've revealed that you're still 'in love/lust'.

 

Just ask yourself some very simple yet searching questions, like - does she truly have a commitment to your happiness? If you were in a life/death situation and she was the only one around you save you, would you have a shadow of doubt that she wouldn't? It's only you that knows the truthful answers to these.

 

Here's what you should do: learn from your mistakes, to reminisce the good times, and to move forward from this - I could only see things going downhill from here otherwise. Bottom-line: find someone who you're actually compatible with, you're only setting yourself for disappointment otherwise.

[muggiwhplar]

Nox you're just setting yourself up for future disappointment

[muggiwhplar]

I found this hilarious:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lwv2yHN1Yac

[Maze]

Got a tiny situation here.

 

Asked out a certain girl to dinner a couple months ago and she replied with "I totally would, but I'd rather be single." I took it as a BS no, but lately she's been talking to me and we've been laughing and sort of flirting with each other. Is it acceptable to ask her again, to something a bit more casual?

[Omar]

I'd just keep the flirting going. Make her come to you.

Muggi, that seemed disturbingly accurate on the question of loneliness. But the ideas of soul mates etc. predate television by millennia. It's in Plato's Symposium.

[Bonez899]

Ideas of soul mates and such are peoples beliefs, personally I think that there *may* be one person out there that you are supposed to meet and be with for your life, and I have seen quite a few examples. Yet I believe that there are also several other people that could make you almost as happy to live with for your life.

[Omar]

That's not my question; if I had to make a bet I'd say the idea that we have soul mates is a myth. I'm just saying blaming television is perhaps a little simplistic.

 

What are your opinions on the root of our desire for beauty in our partners?

[Randox]

That's not my question; if I had to make a bet I'd say the idea that we have soul mates is a myth. I'm just saying blaming television is perhaps a little simplistic.

 

What are your opinions on the root of our desire for beauty in our partners?

I assume that's a general question.

 

I think that the mind uses physical features as a sort of basic dna scanner, looking for defects which would suggest a defect with the genetic code, signifying an ideal (or not) mate. An example of this could be facial symmetry, where symmetry is desirable. Also, things like weight can signify other things. For weight, heavy used to mean you we're rich enough to actually eat, where now it suggest that your not rich enough to eat healthy (and yes, that is horrifically oversimplifying something that has myriad causes, many of them beyond anyone's control).

 

So I figure that contained within our genetic code is essentially a set criteria that your dna wants to combine with, and combined with things like pheromones and behavior, your mind has to use physical features and appearance to gauge health and genetic compatibility to try and find the ideal mate.

 

And, being as tactful as possible given the example I have in mind, for people who want an example of being able to literally see a genetic problem, there are certain mental illnesses (genetically based ones) that also affect facial structure, allowing the condition to be identified simply by looking at them.

[Assume Nothing]

It's further distorted by the complex issues following the introduction of artificial enhancers, e.g. fake breasts/nails/hair/brows/lashes, etc. Beauty is now a gimmick.

[Omar]

That's not my question; if I had to make a bet I'd say the idea that we have soul mates is a myth. I'm just saying blaming television is perhaps a little simplistic.

 

What are your opinions on the root of our desire for beauty in our partners?

I assume that's a general question.

 

I think that the mind uses physical features as a sort of basic dna scanner, looking for defects which would suggest a defect with the genetic code, signifying an ideal (or not) mate. An example of this could be facial symmetry, where symmetry is desirable. Also, things like weight can signify other things. For weight, heavy used to mean you we're rich enough to actually eat, where now it suggest that your not rich enough to eat healthy (and yes, that is horrifically oversimplifying something that has myriad causes, many of them beyond anyone's control).

 

So I figure that contained within our genetic code is essentially a set criteria that your dna wants to combine with, and combined with things like pheromones and behavior, your mind has to use physical features and appearance to gauge health and genetic compatibility to try and find the ideal mate.

 

And, being as tactful as possible given the example I have in mind, for people who want an example of being able to literally see a genetic problem, there are certain mental illnesses (genetically based ones) that also affect facial structure, allowing the condition to be identified simply by looking at them.

Sure, but this doesn't explain the diversity in taste in any given society (chubby chasers are a good example) or certain preferences (foot fetishes, some love long toes and some love short toes). It doesn't explain why some characteristics which are "harmless" so to speak are considered ugly (potato noses (actually that might hinder your eyesight; replace with snub nose)) or beautiful (long nails). And finally, it doesn't explain why what a person wears can dramatically change whether they're beautiful or not.

[Assume Nothing]

I'd post a video on foot-fetishes but Randox won't let me...

 

note: redacted a lot of incomprehensible text. I'm too tired to post properly.

[Omar]

I have no idea what you just said, and I'm not talking about the second sentence.

Also, related question: why procreate to begin with?

[Randox]

This is what happens when I don't think things through when I'm a bit tired. Pheromones are genetic, and while looks are based on genetics, I doubt our minds can decode them. Looks are probably more a matter of established normality, and observational techniques. So your mind observes all these people that it knows/believes are healthy, and builds a profile of what healthy people look like, I want someone that matches these criteria. And once that criteria is built, it probably never changes.

 

You've also got characteristics like height, which serve a survival imperative. Most guys prefer a girl who is shorter than they are, probably because on some level they percieve a tall girl as a threat or challenge to their masculinity. Most girls prefer a guy who is taller than they are, because they will probably make a better protector.

 

Fetishes and things like chubby chasers are a lot harder to explain.

 

 

Also, since this is going to come up, a discussion of fetishes would not be appropriate for public discussion. That said, Assume has a fascinating video that might explain foot fetishes, and if you want to see what he has I don't think he would mind you pm'ing him for it so he can share it that way. As long as it doesn't lead to a fetish discussion here, I can't see it being a problem. It also leads to the possibility of a few of us having a discussion in private that we wouldn't allow here in OT (so if people start asking assume for the video, he could add everyone who asks into the same conversation. I've already seen it, but if that happens I wouldn't mind joining in because I think its an interesting conversation topic).

[Omar]

I know people who are terribly ugly and who can't really be said to be unhealthy, and when i see an ugly girl I don't think "By god, her children will be monsters!". I think our definition of beauty is determined socially more than anything else; in that sense curvy women weren't attractive because they were rich and thus made a good mother, but rather because they were rich and that was something people aspired to.

[RpgGamer]

I know people who are terribly ugly and who can't really be said to be unhealthy, and when i see an ugly girl I don't think "By god, her children will be monsters!". I think our definition of beauty is determined socially more than anything else; in that sense curvy women weren't attractive because they were rich and thus made a good mother, but rather because they were rich and that was something people aspired to.

 

Not to be devil's advocate but one of the first thoughts that goes through my head when judging people is what their parents look like, and what their kids would look like given X partner. for girls I meet, X is often me.

[muggiwhplar]

That's not my question; if I had to make a bet I'd say the idea that we have soul mates is a myth. I'm just saying blaming television is perhaps a little simplistic.

 

What are your opinions on the root of our desire for beauty in our partners?

 

(semantics) While "beauty" is subjective, we're attracted to people whose appearances suggest successful reproduction/bearing of offspring/spreading our DNA.

 

When it comes to women: http://imgur.com/r/funny/yV3If

 

When it comes to men, leadership qualities are important for successful reproduction

 

The rest can be traced back to social conditioning (things like whiter teeth = more attractive) or dysfunctional conditioning (fetishes, phobias)

 

As far as "artificial beauty" goes, our minds can't really tell the difference between big natural boobs and big fake boobs. Our minds can't tell the difference between an attractive girl on your computer screen and an attractive girl walking past you either. But that's not really relevant anymore in this day and age.

[Noxx]

So after a long talk with my room mate today, i decided to call my ex, because i had a lot to tell her. The short version of what i told her:

 

I love her a lot, i still do. I miss her a lot too. But right now i'm like a ball of wool and shes like a cat. She's going to play around with me for a while, then lose interest. She'll go prowl the streets for a bit, get bored and come back home where she knows the ball of wool will be waiting. And then the process with be repeated until i am so damaged that t's not going to be fun playing with me anymore.

I can't be with someone that changes their mind about what they want ever day. One day she wants me and the next day "she's too confused, and needs space". It's not good for me, i deserve better.

I'm young and i have my whole life ahead of me. Right now my life is shitty because there's no other girls around me to get my mind off of her, which makes this process so much harder for me, but so much easier for her, because she knows that there's no one else here and i'll probably take her back no matter what.

I don't want to lose her, but if i don't start keeping my distance i'm going to end up harming myself so much.

I don't know what she wants from me right now, and she's not giving me any clear answers either. I'm not going to push her to the side completely, but i'm going to keep my distance. I told gave her an ultimatum (yes, probably not 100% fair on my part). But i told her that she needs to make up her mind and she needs to make it up quick. I'm going to go on with my life and i'll still be around, but i'm not going to be around forever (and not for a very long time). I'm not going to settle for anything less than 100% commitment. A maybe or a possibly isn't going to cut it for me.

If she can't give me her 100% then i'm not going to give her even my 1%.

Once again this might not be 100% fair on my part, but this might be the only way for her to realise that now i mean business. I am not going to fall into any more traps. It's all or nothing.

If i managed to find a great girl like her once, i can do it again and again and again. I don't NEED her to be happy, life was just a lot more pleasant with her there. But i can, and will, find something else to replace that if i have to.

 

 

I can't say that she enjoyed hearing this, because for the first time in a while my voice was stern and serious. I was not about to play around. i did not want to show any sadness in my voice, because i knew she would use that against me. I am happy that i was cautious in my approach and did not jump to take her back. I already started getting myself over her this past while (and i think she started realizing that shich is why she "wanted me back"). Now i only need to get back ont hat horse and continue my journey to emotional freedom where i left off.

[Vezon Dash]

That's good Nox. Personally, I think that the ultimatum thing is completely fair.

[Noxx]

I don't know why, but after i spoke to her on the phone my heart stopped with the nervous beating. You know that feeling you get when you knock over your mom's favorite vase and you know she's going to be really pissed when she finds out? and your heart is beating like crazy because you're just waiting for her to call your name. Well it's been like that for a few weeks now and when i hung up, it stopped. I don't know why i feel like this, but i'm feeling pretty damn good right now.

I think for the first time in ages i actually believed i deserve better. I didnt just say it without believing it. I want more out of life than constant worries and depression, and the only way im going to get it is if i go out there and go find it!