Assuming nothing changes

 

Why are you talking about him? Thought your dream was about the girl you like...

 

Anyway, know where you're coming from... Dreams can screw you over and make things seem better or whatever, I had a dream last weekend that some random girl I don't even like asked me out :/ not really sure why, but hey.

What I meant was "assuming nothing changes, ie I don't find some awesome excuse to hang out with her via a friend or something, then I won't see her all week."

 

And I went out to a local art museum with my parents and am feeling far more chipper now. I even have a plan for how to make a group event that she'd likely go to and thus I can start moving thigns forward with.

I think my display name caused some confusion. It seems to be a literal expression rather than a reference to me.

I think my display name caused some confusion. It seems to be a literal expression rather than a reference to me.

 

Oh, THAT is what he meant. I was so confused.

 

Either that or I subconsciously want to date you.

 

...Wanna try it, bbygurl? I'll lahv u 5eva.

... you don't want to know the things I'm into.

... you don't want to know the things I'm into.

Oh gawd, BDSM...

... you don't want to know the things I'm into.

Oh gawd, BDSM...

 

Don't knock it til you try it. it's amazing what you can discover gets you off.[yes, thats personal experience takling :P]

This was my exact thought.

[spoiler=don't want to stretch page]

 

Okay, this has gotta be about the most complicated relationship problem ever posted on here, but I'm gonna give it a shot anyway. This is gonna be a long one.

 

My girlfriend/fiancee Brandi and I started dating in October of 2005. In December of 2007, just before my 18th birthday, I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. The doc later changed the diagnosis to Crohn's disease. In a nutshell, this is the most advanced form of irritable bowel syndrome. It's chronic and there is no permanent cure, only treatment with various levels of success. It's also very likely to turn into some form of cancer, very likely colon cancer, and it will probably be what kills me. Brandi stuck by my side the whole time, but it strained our relationship. I could get really angry over the amount of pain I was in, sometimes to the point of thinking that death would be better than continued pain. I did yell, and I asked her to do things for me more than was fair, because any kind of movement--even just standing up from the couch--would put me in enough pain that I'd have to spend fifteen minutes in the bathroom. However, I never, EVER hit her, and I never would. Part of the problem comes from the fact that she has a really bad family history--both her mother and grandmother had violent husbands. She's scared of my temper, no matter how much I reassure her that I'd rather die than ever raise a hand to her.

 

In October of 2010 we moved into a new apartment together about 200 miles away from our hometown, so neither of us had parents to deal with on a regular basis anymore. We had big money problems, and neither of us had a job until I got one in July 2011, and she got one around October. Not much over minimum wage, but together, enough to pay the rent and bills every month with a little left over for the occasional night out. I didn't go to a gastroenterologist (the type of specialist I need) until December of 2011, though I was taking meds that my old doctor in our hometown had prescribed. I had basically given up on ever being back to any kind of normal strength, usually hobbling around and feeling absolutely exhausted after even a five hour shift. I took more than a month's sick leave starting in mid-December, because my sickness had caused so many absences that I was on the verge of being fired.

 

At this point I finally buckled down and got a new doc. Since the new meds I've been put on starting in January, I've been literally feeling better than I ever have--the pain is entirely tolerable, and I pick up extra hours basically every single day I'm at work, usually working nine or ten hours with only foot pain to deal with. (I have really flat feet, but that's another story.) I'm no longer anywhere near as irritable as I have been. In fact, I'm usually so impossibly cheery that it's annoying.

 

In seven years we fooled around, but never actually went all the way, for two reasons--the first being we thought of condoms as being prohibitively expensive, and the second being that the actual act tended to shake up and therefore irritate my intestines. Having to go to the bathroom during the act is hardly an ideal situation. However, she started on the pill in February, and my strength/libido are totally back on my new medications, so both of those problems are gone now.

 

Unfortunately, in January Brandi decided that she couldn't take it anymore, new meds or no new meds. She decided to move in with a male coworker who totally wasn't interested in her at all. He's 36--in my opinion a bit too old for her 22--and I've never met the guy. Surely you can see where this is going. Yes, he was totally interested in her all along, and now they're dating. But that's not the kicker yet.

 

Because of the fact that we've been dating since before I was 16, I never bothered to learn to drive. My mother's partially to blame for this, but again, that's a problem that doesn't need to be addressed here. The point is, I can't drive and, moreover, don't have a car. So Brandi and I struck a deal--she'd give me two months where she'd continue driving me to work, as she always did when we were together, and we'd practice driving so I could learn. Sometimes she'd continue to stay with me--and by sometimes, I mean maybe three nights a week, so basically half the time. Unfortunately, that deal was only supposed to last two months--until April 30th, which is also her birthday. I'm not anywhere near ready to take a driving test, and if I can't get to work, I'm going to have to move back home with my mother, which is not an option.

 

When she stays with me we still sleep in a bed together, though I try not to touch her. This is something that's beyond difficult. I've told her again and again that I'm a new person, I'm not irritable like I have been, but she won't listen. She also has told me that she thinks there's a part of her that will always love me. I really, really don't ever want to be with anyone else. I'm a principled kind of guy and I think I'd rather end up alone than subject some poor girl to being my second choice. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do with my life. This is the woman that I wanted to settle down and raise a family with. I know that on some level she still loves me. I'm not just deluding myself into thinking that, it's true. Six months ago, despite all the pain I was in, a part of me was incredibly happy because I thought I had everything I needed to die happy. Now I have none of it, and I have no idea what to do. Any thoughts, guys?

Does her partner know that she still drives you to work and she sleeps in the same bed as you 3 nights a week?

Should probably start by telling you that I have Ulcerative Colitis myself, so I definitely sympathise with your situation.

 

I'm certainly not the kind of relationship wizard that can give you what I trust to be good advice on your situation, but a problem I have run into, and I know other people (through my diagnosis) who have run into the same roadblock, is that not everyone can deal with your condition. In the worst cases, they still think its something you get over, and then one day they realize that even if you look healthy now, it might just be an illusion and in a couple days your going to be holed up in the bathroom again because you don't want to be more than 15ft from a toilet.

 

When your trying to make a life together, you also have the additional burdens of your hgih risk of colon cancer looming in the distance, and depending on the medication that's allowing you to be a functional human being again and your health care plan, one hell of a financial burden (the one I am on would be $78,000 a year).

 

So I guess, being afraid of your temper might not be the problem. Depending on who she is, it could be that your better now, so she has no obligation to take care of you, and simply can't deal with your condition any more, or she might be afraid that in the future she is going to stop being able to deal with it.

 

 

As for not wanting to find someone else...well you'll find out where you stand on that in time. You've been with this girl for long time, and your almost certainly not going to get over her quickly. But in time, you might find that your willing to look for someone else.

Hmm, I realised the biggest problems with me getting a girlfriend... 1. I am afraid of ******* up because then it goes around and... Yeah

2. I really have next to no friends that are girls that I talk to

3. (minor) Afraid of approaching girls that I don't talk to/know because I am afraid that I may come off strong or something...

Hmm, I realised the biggest problems with me getting a girlfriend... 1. I am afraid of ******* up because then it goes around and... Yeah

2. I really have next to no friends that are girls that I talk to

3. (minor) Afraid of approaching girls that I don't talk to/know because I am afraid that I may come off strong or something...

 

At your age, even getting rejected by the hot girl gains respect for trying. Hell, that gets even truer as you age.

 

Anybody gives you crap on getting shot down you can always say you tried.

Hmm, I realised the biggest problems with me getting a girlfriend... 1. I am afraid of ******* up because then it goes around and... Yeah

2. I really have next to no friends that are girls that I talk to

3. (minor) Afraid of approaching girls that I don't talk to/know because I am afraid that I may come off strong or something...

 

At your age, even getting rejected by the hot girl gains respect for trying. Hell, that gets even truer as you age.

 

Anybody gives you crap on getting shot down you can always say you tried.

You can also tell them their mockery is a projection of their own fear and self-loathing, if you want to cut deep.

Everyone should get shot down at least once (and likely many more times than that). It's part of the human experience.

Does her partner know that she still drives you to work and she sleeps in the same bed as you 3 nights a week?

He definitely knows about the driving to work bit, but I dunno if he knows the bed situation. It's certainly not something I'd be pleased with if I were on his end. It also kind of gives the impression that she still wants to be with me. I'm not crazy for getting that idea, am I?

Does her partner know that she still drives you to work and she sleeps in the same bed as you 3 nights a week?

He definitely knows about the driving to work bit, but I dunno if he knows the bed situation. It's certainly not something I'd be pleased with if I were on his end. It also kind of gives the impression that she still wants to be with me. I'm not crazy for getting that idea, am I?

No, I think that's a perfectly reasonable and logical assumption.

Everyone should get shot down at least once (and likely many more times than that). It's part of the human experience.

 

I've never been turned down outright :shades:

 

but I have been ignored, and told never to never talk to them again lol

 

rejection comes in many different forms

Everyone should get shot down at least once (and likely many more times than that). It's part of the human experience.

 

I've never been turned down outright :shades:

 

but I have been ignored, and told never to never talk to them again lol

 

rejection comes in many different forms

"Wanna date?"

"I never want to see you again!"

Sounds harsh.

Does her partner know that she still drives you to work and she sleeps in the same bed as you 3 nights a week?

He definitely knows about the driving to work bit, but I dunno if he knows the bed situation. It's certainly not something I'd be pleased with if I were on his end. It also kind of gives the impression that she still wants to be with me. I'm not crazy for getting that idea, am I?

 

If I was the other guy and I found out that she was still sleeping in the same bed as you, then I would be pissed. You're not crazy for having that assumption, it sounds right.

Think it's been over 2 weeks now since i've spoken with my ex. It was hard, but i got through it. Yesterday i got a text from her. I sent her a text back and a few minutes later she replied as well. I decided to phone her because the things i wanted to tell her was never meant to be said over a text. I was pretty nervous talking to her again, but basically what i said is the following:

 

I told her that a few weeks ago we decided to go back to being just friends, which was cool. I told her that we both agreed that one of us should not have to put more into this friendship than the other one, but if i was not the one to text her first or call her first we would not hear from each other for weeks at a time. She told me that she had been busy with stuff to which i replied that sending a quick "Hi, how are you still doing?" text takes nothing but a minute of her life. She had no answer to that. I told her to give me 5 minutes to say my say, without her interrupting me, and then she can talk. Basically i told her that i am better than this. I am better than being kept on a string. I am not a puppet nor a toy. I do not like being played with (in this context at least). I have a life of my own and troubles of my own so she should not make it out as if she is the only one in the world with issues. I told her that 6 years ago i was in her exact position (financial issues) and that i know how she feels right now. I did not shout out the important people in my life, i included them more because i realized that with help from friends no problem is too big, she does not seem to realize that. She is stubborn and wants to face the world by herself. She said she wants to do that because at the end of the day after everyone has let her down and abandoned her at least she knows she can survive on her own. I told her that i have not abandoned her, and i don't ever want to.

I told her that i want to erase her from my life, because she is putting such a mental strain on me it is almost impossible for me to focus on my flying. I have been in a slump of depression for almost a month now and i want to be happy. I told her that she is done playing with me. I now accept that we can no longer be together. It's hard, but i can deal with that. It's a much easier thought to deal with than the "Maybe, one day, we can be "us" again" thought. I told her that i do not like this "new her" because i know that is not who she is. I told her that i do not care how much she has changed, i can tell that it is not her, and it is not who she wants to be. She was silent, so i knew she knew i was right.

I also told her that i'll still be there to help her out whenever she needs help, but she can't expect me to jump at the sound of her voice.

 

She seemed to have a lot of excuses for everything i said, which made me angry. She told me that she still valued my friendship, but i knew she was lying. If you value someones friendship, you don't go weeks without talking to them.

 

Long story short. I am done. I do not want her back (even though only saying that makes my heart ache). I think this is what's best for me, as a person. It's time for me to move on with my life and forget the past. I do not have the time to deal with teenage drama anymore. I want to be an adult, so i should start living like one. I tried being calm and gentle with her, because i cannot be angry with her. But for once i think i spoke with my brain and not with my heart, and i am happy about that.

 

Now i just want to forget about girls for the next few months and focus on flying :)

It was doomed to fail since the very start - at least you've realised it now, before it was too late.

It was doomed to fail since the very start - at least you've realised it now, before it was too late.

I feel like it already is, to be honest. I should have realized this 4 months ago. I have been living on a hope for 4 months and it created bad habits. Ridding myself of those habits is going to be a fun ride...

It's good that you're cutting her out of your life. It's the right move. People who were dating can't be friends... at least not after they've had plenty of time (usually years) to heal and get over it.

I've heard a good quote on this somewhere... Goes like this:

 

Saying we can still be friends after a relationship is like asking to keep the dog after it died

Saw Stacey in class today and she basically avoided me the whole time, finally managed to catch her on facebook tonight and we talked for about three hours. Much was said and I won't bore with details, but basically while she got over all of her old objections to dating me (too close of a friend, distance, her lack of confidence in her relationship skills), going on that date with me apparently made her realize that she really wasn't interested in anything more than a friendship.

 

Sorta sucked for a minute, but really I've known this was coming in the back of my mind since the first "I have to think about it". And hey, at least I got a bit of a confidence boost out of it; I know somebody has liked me at some point at least, lmfao. Also, that was by far the easiest rejection I've ever dealt with, and its one less steaming pile of drama to worry about as the year finishes out. And I'm still going to prom with her, so I don't have to worry about that either.

 

Now, to spend the next five months sexying up for college. :P

 

 

On a side note, its kind of funny looking back and realizing that I've been posting about basically every girl I've been interested in since junior high on here, and it took five years for everything that's been being said to sink in enough really to even get one date, lol. But whatever, I've definitely learned a lot from here and my overall confidence has definitely gone up since then.