"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Blake]

Whatever you do, don't let it get to the point where you're her chauffeur.

[Noxx]

Whatever you do, don't let it get to the point where you're her chauffeur.

Well i was thinking of calling her later and telling her i might be in Miami this weekend but not sure what to do if she asks to come along.

[RpgGamer]

Whatever you do, don't let it get to the point where you're her chauffeur.

Well i was thinking of calling her later and telling her i might be in Miami this weekend but not sure what to do if she asks to come along.

 

I feel where your logic is coming from, I'm similar in that sense, but 4 months of seeing her every day is a long time. And you've had a history with Distance stuff, I feel you could handle it again. Even if by handling it, you end it. Whatever the case may be, 4 months is only a short period of time if you spend time thinking about the ambiguity of your feelings for too long. If you act on impulse, you'll have more time to enjoy being with her. Who knows? Maybe you'll get sick of her and find out you really don't care much for her. At least you'll know instead of always wondering what could have happened with that awesome French girl from flight school.

[bedman]

removed, I prefer not to have this personal information linger on the internet. Thanks for the help all! I'd appreciat if you would edit your quotes.

[Noxx]

I'm currently sitting with heavy doubts concerning my girlfriend and the future so I'd thought I'd vent it here, and perhaps get some good advice as well. (warning: wall of text)

 

Let me first describe my relationship:

We met one year ago and have been together (3 weeks after first having met) for one year now. She's extemely cute, smart, ambitious, and we can have a good laugh/talk with each other. She's in for some adventures and we have great sex. She's also the sweetest and most faithful ever, which is a thankful certainty in my relationship. I never have to feel jealous, unsure, or anything like that at all. In fact, what sometimes botters me is that she seems to be a bit more into me than I am into her. I mean, I like her, love her, and everything, but I can still look at other girls, or I am still realistic enough to realize that in a year or two, we might feel different and end up splitting up. She's the romantic type that says I'm the guy of her life, that she loves me beyond everything, and that she never looks at boys anymore etc. This sort of imbalance makes her pretty scared about losing me, and results in her being a bit overjealous sometimes. For instance, she doesn't want me to meet up with someone that I had a crush with a year ago.

This imbalance was actually there from the start. When we met, I didn't have an instant crush on her, but I saw she had great potential, being very sweet, cute, smart, intelligent, mature, etc. Ironically, the day after our first kiss (where she asked me a ton of times whether I was serious, which I was, though not completely in love), I met a girl which I DID have an instant crush on, and she admitted she had the same feelings. However, the girl in question already had a boyfriend, so we decided to not give in and continue our own relationship (mostly because of her feelings, I had only just started my relationship and would have gladly switched at that point). I did hang out with that girl the next month though, because we both couldn't resist not seeing each other. We never kissed though. I was thinking about giving up my girlfriend, because my feeling weren't completely sincere, but on the other hand, I had told her I was serious, so I wanted give it a try, since she had everything that I wanted (in theory), and I was just missing this initial "crush feeling". Btw, I never told her anything about this, because that would have been instant break-up.

 

2-3 months into my relationship, the crush for the other girl started to fade away and I really started to appreciate my girlfriend, and fall in love. I remember at some point really feeling it when I was lying next to her. This moment was really welcome beacuse I could feel she was suffering from the imbalance. (for instance, I felt that she really loved me already, while I couldn't sincerely say that yet). However, it never was like this huge flame of fire that I had with this other girl (sidenote: a relationship will never carry this initial "fire" all the way anway).

 

Soon after that, she left on an exchange program for 6 months, which was a good test IMO. We survived it pretty well, especially considering how many relationships end for such reasons and ours was still pretty early. I visited her a few times, and it was at those times that I realized how much I liked her. Seeing her again after 6 weeks and jumping into each other's arms was really overwhelming. I also found out she is into adventure (which I strongly am), when we were hiking in Norway and sleeping in a basic cabin without electricity and running water. (she still stays a cute girl that needs a man to help her though, it's just that she was into it and could follow).

 

So, that's to give a context about our relationship, now onto the "problems".

 

edit: will do this later, she's here now :P

You said botters.... :D

 

Anyway, the second bolded part is pretty much how it went with my girlfriend. To be honest at first i was in it for the sex. Few weeks down the line i was hooked on her.

[RpgGamer]

I'm currently sitting with heavy doubts concerning my girlfriend and the future so I'd thought I'd vent it here, and perhaps get some good advice as well. (warning: wall of text)

 

Let me first describe my relationship:

We met one year ago and have been together (3 weeks after first having met) for one year now. She's extemely cute, smart, ambitious, and we can have a good laugh/talk with each other. She's in for some adventures and we have great sex. She's also the sweetest and most faithful ever, which is a thankful certainty in my relationship. I never have to feel jealous, unsure, or anything like that at all. In fact, what sometimes botters me is that she seems to be a bit more into me than I am into her. I mean, I like her, love her, and everything, but I can still look at other girls, or I am still realistic enough to realize that in a year or two, we might feel different and end up splitting up. She's the romantic type that says I'm the guy of her life, that she loves me beyond everything, and that she never looks at boys anymore etc. This sort of imbalance makes her pretty scared about losing me, and results in her being a bit overjealous sometimes. For instance, she doesn't want me to meet up with someone that I had a crush with a year ago.

This imbalance was actually there from the start. When we met, I didn't have an instant crush on her, but I saw she had great potential, being very sweet, cute, smart, intelligent, mature, etc. Ironically, the day after our first kiss (where she asked me a ton of times whether I was serious, which I was, though not completely in love), I met a girl which I DID have an instant crush on, and she admitted she had the same feelings. However, the girl in question already had a boyfriend, so we decided to not give in and continue our own relationship (mostly because of her feelings, I had only just started my relationship and would have gladly switched at that point). I did hang out with that girl the next month though, because we both couldn't resist not seeing each other. We never kissed though. I was thinking about giving up my girlfriend, because my feeling weren't completely sincere, but on the other hand, I had told her I was serious, so I wanted give it a try, since she had everything that I wanted (in theory), and I was just missing this initial "crush feeling". Btw, I never told her anything about this, because that would have been instant break-up.

 

2-3 months into my relationship, the crush for the other girl started to fade away and I really started to appreciate my girlfriend, and fall in love. I remember at some point really feeling it when I was lying next to her. This moment was really welcome beacuse I could feel she was suffering from the imbalance. (for instance, I felt that she really loved me already, while I couldn't sincerely say that yet). However, it never was like this huge flame of fire that I had with this other girl (sidenote: a relationship will never carry this initial "fire" all the way anway).

 

Soon after that, she left on an exchange program for 6 months, which was a good test IMO. We survived it pretty well, especially considering how many relationships end for such reasons and ours was still pretty early. I visited her a few times, and it was at those times that I realized how much I liked her. Seeing her again after 6 weeks and jumping into each other's arms was really overwhelming. I also found out she is into adventure (which I strongly am), when we were hiking in Norway and sleeping in a basic cabin without electricity and running water. (she still stays a cute girl that needs a man to help her though, it's just that she was into it and could follow).

 

So, that's to give a context about our relationship, now onto the "problems".

 

edit: will do this later, she's here now :P

 

can't say much til you make another post with the latter half of your information...and please do make another post if you need to as opposed to editing.

 

For now all I can say is that the "fire" of passion is an awesome thing, but I've found that it leads to the most unstable of relationships, where there will be moments of torment and bliss.

[bedman]

removed, I prefer not to have this personal information linger on the internet. Thanks for the help all! I'd appreciat if you would edit your quotes.

[Randox]

I guess what its going to come down to is how much are you going to regret this? One possibility is that your going to get to Cornell (if I followed everything right), and its going to be a great school and your going to be very happy with the way things worked out. Or you could get there and stew over how much you would rather be in Stanford for a year. And a large part of it will probably depend on your frame of mind.

 

I guess the risk is, if you get there and your not happy, its going to turn into a lifelong regret for you, and its going to manifest itself as resentment, which is a recepie for a nasty marriage/divorce if you get that far. Its also a really easy way to be miserable for the rest of your life, stuck in possibilities of what might have been.

 

On the other hand, a certain amount of compromise is expected in a relationship (this is a two way street however). What you have to hope for is that neither of you have a conflicting issue where compromise isn't possible.

 

 

So I guess what it really comes down to for me are these questions:

 

Is this relationship worth enough to you that you are willing to make compromises on your dreams?

Can you live with the compromise and be happy with it?

Even if the relationship doesn't work out?

 

If you answer no to any of those three questions, then honestly, I'd start making new plans pronto.

[bedman]

Thanks for your answer Randox. Seems like you understood my rambling very well.

 

There is indeed a certain amount of compromise expected, and I feel kinda bad when she lists it all up and tells how great of a chance this is to do this together, yet still giving enough freedom. Then I feel a fool for wanting more. It's not like Cornell isn't a huge opportunity and that I will not learn alot there. But then I go home and it starts eating me again. Doesn't help when wise people I respect tell me to not let an early relationship decide such things in this stage of my life.

 

And those are indeed the right questions to ask. I would say the last one is a tricky one though, because that is a straight no for me actually

[Randox]

I figured it would be, and I think that's where the people who are telling you to put the school first are coming from.

 

EDIT: and now I'm going to redo the rest of this because it was terrible. I should shower before posting here more often.

 

You in an interesting situation (as are all student). A relationship is an 'us' thing, or at least it should be. But right your really shapping your future, or at least your determining what your options will be in the future, and as a student, your still in the totally selfish phase of your life where your only really accountable to yourself (and there is nothing wrong with that).

 

Anyway, its interesting because you have this 'us' relationship, but you also still have to deal with 'self/me'. What do you need. And that makes things tricky, and its probably what kills a nice number of student relationships is that you get together and then find out your lives aren't compatible after all (and not saying this is the case here).

 

 

I'm having a thought here, which is good because I still have no way to wrap this one up. It might help you to know if you two have a shot after your done with school or not, so maybe take some time and try to plan out the first 10 or so years of your life post education, and have her do the same, and see if your lives are going to be compatible, and what sort of compromises might need to be made. It's sort of a one sided test, in that it only confirms if you should bail or not, but I think it would be good for the both of you no matter what the outcome is.

[RpgGamer]

[hide]Okay, let's continue where I was...

 

It all started in the end of October when I started thinking about going to the USA for an extra one year graduate program (We're both from Europe in our last masters's year). A friend of my parents who had done such a thing said that I should really think about doing this, because it's such a great opportunity, and that I have the grades to go etc. etc. I told her I was looking into it, and at first she kind of freaked out. She always had in mind to do an extra year of studies abroad after her initial studies, but she had England in mind. However, we had never really talked about that yet, and now she was afraid I would just ditch her for going to the USA. I told her I was merely looking at the options, seeing that some deadlines are very very early. What I did think though, but perhaps not made clear enough, is that I would find seriously comrpomising my or her dreams for each other so early on would be a bad idea. I think that if any of use has a dream to do something one year, we should not stop each other from doing that so early in the relationship. One year long-distance (UK-USA) would be hard, but I'm sure if we are made for each other, that we will last, and we will be happy we have granted each other the opportunity. I have heard enough people regretting not doing what they dreamed of when they were young;

 

She however, thought a bit more with her heart and emotions, and started looking at going to the USA as well. At first however, I did not notice this, and it was the reason of our first serious argument. Only a few days after I decided to look into my options for going to the USA, there was a deadline for a prestigious scholarship. I decided I'd give it a go, even though I did not really know my plans yet. The thing is that this scholarship says it's only meant for people with oustanding academic merit. My girlffriend, smart as she is, sadly did not receive any honors for her bachelor degree (procrastration pro), while i did receive greatest honors. The day of the application deadline, she starts asking me questions about it, and I was kinda stressing to fill it in myself, and was a little blunt. Little did I know she was thinking of filling it in herself (even though she didn't even send the eligibility form that was needed, which would probably have stopped her, I think). Some argmuents follow and long story short, I filled it in (very very last minute, discovered mandatory 2 hours before the deadline), while she didn't. She blamed me pretty badly for not supporting her in going for the scholarship as well. The root of it is is that I thought this whole thing is something you discover on your own, and not something you jump into because your girl/boyfriend is doing it. That's why I did not notice that she wanted to do this as well, or at least did not push her to think about going to the USA as well. (and I certainly did not expect her to fill in the app for the scholarship, since she didn't even fill in the eligibility form).

(bit of a long explanation to show how this different viewpoint on studying abroad while being a couple induces arguments)

 

After this argument, I realized she really wanted to go as well, both because of me and because of the opportunities in the USA. So I kinda gave in and said that from now on, we will try to work together in this, and communicate clearly about it.

 

The application process was hard work, both for me and for her, since we were really late with the preperation. I personally had some troubles defining my exact interests and goals, while she was stressing about everything that could go wrong (she does that often when she's unsure, constantly being afraid of what can go wrong, or what has gone wrong). In particular, she was stressing that she could not get int with her grades, while I would, leaving her behind. I got sucked into it, and let her do, in stead of just saying that she should keep to her initial plans (UK), if the whole USA thing is too stressful. So she applied to like 10 Universities, including some in Europe as well, being afraid of not being accepted (I only applied to 4).

This whole process consumed a lot of time for both of us. I managed to keep working on my graduate thesis (obligated lab work included), while she couldn't (more on that later). It also lead to a lot of stress, which in turn lead to stupid arguments. Like I said, whenever she's unsure, she goes into this afraid modus and thinks so negatively. She has asked me so many times to reassure that I love her, that I ... that I ... that I was getting sick of it. I mean, come on, being a good boyfriend, seeing you a lot, being nice, caring about you, doesn't that SHOW that i'm serious. I hate feeling "forced" to say "I love you too" every 5 minutes, or other silly reassurances. One other annoying thing she does then is combining every single occasion where I have somewhat let her down, and then combine these into one big negative image to feed her uncertainty. So many many times, I had to tell her to stop focusing on some parts in the past where I did not act the way she would have hoped, and just focus on the future and on what's good. Jeez, I wouldn't be able to love her if I focused on all her bad moment either. During that time, I had said her many times that she shouldn't stress, and that if it didn't work out, we could always postpone it.

(long explanation to show that the whole application process etc. made her unsure/anxious and pretty annoying at times) (which she now admitted btw)

 

In the mean time, I had done an interview for this initial scholarship that we argued about, and was sadly not accepted. I think the most important reasons were: I had filled in a vague application (was in a huuge hurry and did not know what I wanted yet) and could not convince them that I knew exactly what I wanted now + I could not garantuee them admission anywhere yet (I guess they didn't expect me to get into Stanford, see later on).

 

In march, admission decisions came in, and I was accepted into Stanford and Cornell (and UW, but scratched that soon). She was pretty unexpectedly accepted in Carnegie Mellon and UPenn (Columbia waitlist and later accepted, and Illinois acceptence received just now). She decided to go to UPenn. My preference had been at Stanford from the start. Academically, it's the best of the best I can get for environmental engineering (I would do the atmosphere and energy program), and many people advised me to chose Stanford. Seeing how selective Stanford is, I see it as a chance in a lifetime. Also, the program appealed greatly to me from the start (Cornell's program slightly less). I also see the nice weather and nature (Tahoe, Yosemitie, ... nearby) in california as a perk. One thing that I also don't like about Cornell is that a Belgium guy has done exactly the same program one year ago and received the Fulbright Grant that I am going for soon (interview 15 may). Call me stupid, but I feel much less unique now, and also think that it might hurt my chances for getting this well-needed Grant. I just feel that I could bring the whole thing (the selection interview) so much better if I was going for Stanford (more prestigious, selective, and also not doing the same as guy last year). However, Cornell offered me 25k in aid, while Stanford at first offered me none at all (I applied to late for aid). After bargaining, I got 16k out of it, but that would still make Stanford 16k more expensive on the whole (higher living costs in Palo Alto).

 

I checked the budget expense, and found that Stanford would simply be too expensive to do this year. It was then that I seriously started to think about postponing (and defer my stanford admission so I wouldn't neet to reapply). The whole year had been extremely stressy (and will continue to be so), so a gap year would give me one year to relax, set thing straight, get some work experience, mature, get sufficient financial aid, develop my interests further so that I can tailor my program better, and perhaps chase one of my other dreams. Suddenly I had it all in mind. I had this admission of Stanford in my pocket, which is something that I could be sure of that was waiting for me. I would work half a year in an environmental company (already know one where I could probably go), in the mean time do exams for ski instructor, and then chase my child dreams and spend the wintersport season in the Alps (I just LOVE skiing, it's my passion, even though I can only do it 2-3 weeks a year). Most importantly, I would be able fully prepare the financial situation (I am sure that with a Stanford admission, and everything that I have learned, that I would be able to fully fund it by grants/fellowships/...).

 

I also thought this would suit my girlfriend, because all these application efforts/stress/... made her neglect her thesis work and other college work, leading to an unbearable workload for the next 1.5 monhts (I'm not sure how she's going to do it). Not postponing means she cannot afford having re-exams (though I think they can change the date if the reasons are serious enough) because the program starts in August. If she would postpone it, she could hand in her thesis at the second exam date (end of august) and make something decent out of it, hopefully receiving honors for this last year. Then she could also learn from her mistake (which she admitted now) and go for what she initially wanted: UK. This way we would both do one year what we wanted, mature, and then continue lving together, stronger than ever.

 

So basically, I had it all in mind, I felt finally relieved, this would be it, I was already looking forward to it.

 

HOWEVER

• She unexpectedly got into a great US university (UPenn) and realized that this is perhaps a better for her future than going to the UK.
• She cannot defer UPenn (Columbia neither)
• She refuses to have a gap year. She says that another year of studying straight after is what she has wanted and agreed with her parents already a long time ago and is one of the few things she is sure of. She says she would be unhappy having to work now for a year. For her personally, she finds a gap year a waste and she cannot find ways to fill it in way that she would be happy (I'm actually afraid that this demonstrates her way of life, that she doesn't want to give herself rest/peace/fun, that she only believes in academics or work)
• Since she can't defer, she would have to apply again and she doesn't want to waste all her efforts into getting accepted. She says all the misery she (and I) have been through would be for nothing. I disagree, because I think we learned a lot from it, and if she would apply next year, it would be 10x easier.
• She has given up so much for this (nothing done for thesis yet, deadline in 1.5 months, didn't see friends as much as she wanted for her last year, lots of stress, ...), giving up now would be stupid (<->Sunk costs, basic economics, I would think).

 

So basicly she feels her only option now is going to UPenn next year (everything else would be a waste of her efforts, she claims), which would lead to us being in the USA alternate years (=> 2 years apart = not possible). So the fact that I now told her I want to defer, was a stab in the back for her, she told me. After everything she had done for me (I started about the USA, she says), I would let her down by this, so close to the end of all the misery. However, like I said, I never wanted her to "follow me". This was exactly what I did not want, that she would claim she had been doign things for me. I had a great scenario in mind for the next year (she England, me Stanford), while allowing us a gap year to destress, prepare, mature, etc., but she doesn't find this great at all.

Her main argument is: What do you want more? We have both been accepted into an Ivy League, we can both handle it financially, we will be 4h away, which is bearable to see each other once in a while, isn't this everything we wanted?

 

I asked advice from many people, including my parents, friends, and a (European) adult that has been to UChicage when he was young himself. They all told me to not give up my dreams for a relationship so early in my life. That Stanford is a unique chance that I clearly preferred much more. Whenever I talked to them, I would feel completely convinced that I would just do it, that it would be wise, and that she would see that and make a wise decision herself (go for her initial goals => the UK).

 

I told her that but it became clear that she absolutely refused a gap year, and that it would mean being 2 years apart which means bye bye relationship. It was then that I decided to give in. I could not see her cry, I could not give her up, just for a bit more prestige points and an extra year of no worries. However, on the inside it's eating me. I cannot let go of the thought that I am throwing away a once in a lifetime chance. Everythying would have been so right, so perfect. Except for my relationship. It's the perfect dream come true vs. my relationship and I HATE that. I really like her, I really really do, and the longer I know her, the more. But nobody can garantuee that this changes in a few years, and I will feel damn bad having given up my dreams for it. On the other hand, it's not that going to Cornell this year is this bad, in fact, it's pretty damn awesome as well. But still, it eats me. I check rankings and see Stanford on top, I feel bad. I see selectivity numbers and see Stanford at 7% vs Cornell at 20%, I feel bad. I check college vs. college (a site where you can see what people chose who where doubting between colleges) and I see that everyone preferred basicly the whole Ivy league + Stanford/MIT above Cornell, I feel bad.

 

This is also why I described my relationship pretty thoroughly with anecdotes, to show what our relationship is like. She is in many apsects the perfect girlfriend. Still, I am afraid the small annoyances I described will show up again later (she said she acted stupid sometimes because of all the stress). I do not want a girlfriend that needs reassurance all the time. She indeed does not do that when everything is fine. In fact, when there are no worries, we feel really like the perfect couple. But isn't it in a time of problems that you shoudl be able to support each other? I have been frequently talking about my mum with this, and she says she has a feeling that we are bringing each other down in those moments (making each other stress more), in stead of lifting each other up.

 

On one side, I really cannot ditch her like that. When she started crying when I told her what I wanted to do, my heart broke. On the other hand, not choosing my dream scenario is already eating me now, and I am afraid I will regret this later, as many wise people have told me.

 

TLDR: got a girlfriend for a year, have to decide between my dream college + dream gap year vs + very possible END of relationship vs. very good college + relationship

 

EDIT: wtf, never made such an ultra long unstructured post. Hope you guys can still somewhat follow (edit: Underlined some stuff). Shows how much I am in doubt I guess.[/hide]

 

Alright so she seems to want to bend you into her whim by not letting you follow your dream and just being with her in some sort of limited sense, and that kinda sucks. She sounds like she's ready to give up anything for you, but almost to expect you to do the same for her. So as much as she values the relationship, she doesn't seem to understand the core of it being a two-way street. A year off will likely break you, but it almost sounds necessary for her to grow and mature as you so aptly want to. it's important to chase your dreams, especially when they're as high class as Stanford. if your relationship is truly worth saving, you'll be able to maintain it regardless of where you go. But as many on here will tell you, including myself LDR's are not fun. They're work, and not easy work. I feel like you taking a gap year and her going off and doing whatever will be a good test of reassurance for both of you. If you can make it through it, and still want to be together, than you'll get your cake and eat it too.

 

Also: the difference between 4 hours and 4 times zones is virtually nothing. I live 2 hours away from one of my best friends, and I literally see him like twice a year, where I live 7 hours away from a girl i used to hang with in highschool, and she comes up to visit like 3 times a month

[Blake]

To add to that last part of above post: if you end up at Cornell, and the long distance doesn't work (if four hours doesn't work, then Stanford or different continents definitely won't) you'll be stuck at the college you didn't want to go to, with no relationship, which is pretty much lose-lose.

[MuffinMaddy]

More on the my-weird-relationship-with-my-ex front. Flip back to 587 if you're interested, I cba to find myself to quote it.

 

So a week or so ago I woke up screaming next to my ex one night after having a nightmare (wherein I believe I beat the living tar out of her new boyfriend). I didn't tell her the details of it, but we agreed that I wouldn't sleep in the same bed as her when she stayed over anymore. We're trying to get out of the whole me-still-being-dependent on her bit. I'm planning to get myself a bike soon so I don't have to worry about either her driving me to work or me getting a car, which of course would be way more expensive. We're still good friends, and I think she's willing to help me out with rides enough for times like doctor's appointments and such. On a good note, I won't be having another one of those for three months. :D Really, though, I'm starting to think I don't want her back.

 

Frankly, if she's willing to leave me, a not-unattractive man her own age, not to mention her devoted boyfriend of seven years, for some bastard who's old enough to be her father (yes, I'm calling a 14-year difference old enough to be her father, it's not that much of a stretch) then I'm just plain uninterested from now on. I know damn well that I'm good for her, but if she can't see that then too damn bad.

 

So on to the fact that I'm not particularly in the mood to be alone for years to come. There's a girl at work who I'd really like to go out with sometime--maybe not for a long-term thing, but more casual. She gave me a ride home earlier this week, and again tonight. Tonight, though, some guy (who's certainly better-looking than I am) drove her car. I had no idea from context clues whether this guy was a boyfriend, just a good friend, or even a brother. Is there any way I could approach the subject with her without things ending up too awkward between us? I really don't wanna jeopardize my friendships with workmates, but on the other hand, I've got no other place to go to meet people. Any suggestions?

 

I think it's a good idea that you decided you wouldn't sleep in her bed any longer. With the girl at work, maybe ask her out for coffee or something? Keep it casual, like you said. You might want to start off getting to know her better in a context outside of the work place. What I did to find out more about the guy I liked was to move the conversation onto love and relationships and asked him whether he'd had a girlfriend before, or has one now. It looks a bit suspicious if you just jump onto that but maybe if she's easy to talk to, you could wind the conversation there without it looking strange. But depending on what she's like, it might not be awkward at all. It's important that you (even if you feel awkward after you hear the answer or ask the question) that you don't show it, because the more awkward you act, the more awkward the situation becomes, even if it wasn't initially that way. Even if she does have a boyfriend, try not to look outwardly hurt or bothered by it. If she doesn't, try not to look overjoyed either. I don't think this would jeopardise your friendships with colleagues though.

 

How close are you to her at the moment?

I'm not a relationship expert though.

I hope your medical condition improves too.

[Ren]

Someone should write a god-damn book or a news column for this crap..So much..text.......

 

And Nox get's all the ladies =(.

 

Personally (decided to skip like 40,000 words, only posting to Nox) I think you've got somewhat of that 'filling the void' effect (just keep reading, it's not a huge deal). It's easy to be in love, but to actually love someone and be really good friends with them is hard to find in my books. That's what I feel a true relationship is, or at least one that's healthier long-term. I don't know how long yours last, and don't know how you feel about the girl. I feel that if an opportunity to try something new happens, I run with it. You never know where it ends up, and if it makes you unhappy overall, or off and on, end it. If something else blossoms with someone else and you think it's better than what you currently have (take it as seriously as you want, but imo feelings get cluttered and you can have bad decisions if not clear-minded), go with it until it's at that point you need to end your current relationship to start one with the new person.

 

But, that's me. Cynical in a way, seems logical, may or may not work. I try to learn from past mistakes and what I felt comfortable with also. Running with it definitely is a good choice, though. Worst case scenario is they're worth leaving alone for a little bit :P.

 

Overall: Make your partner or whatever happy, equally as happy as you are or better. Don't get into super-serious relationships when you really aren't ready (look on the past for better insight). Do have fun and not [bleep]ed up emotions, I really hate it every time I get into that.

[Noxx]

I'm starting to feel like i'm being taunted by some higher power. I'll explain why, but first i have to explain a bit of history.

 

So the first day of school, we all got assigned our rooms. The campus is made up of about 50 houses that all look identical. It was late at night when i was moving in. I could not really see the numbers on the houses. I went to the one i thought was mine and opened the room that i thought was mine. As i opened the door i see a girl sitting on the bed. Out of shock i dropped the stuff i had in my hands. I stood there silently for a minute, picked up the stuff and apologized. I explained to her what happened and she just kind of laughed and told me i must be looking for the house next door. I closed the door and walked away feeling like an idiot. Okay, so after this i saw her again about 2 weeks later at a BBQ we were having at our house the one day, sort of as a meet and greet. She joked about hwat had happened the first day. But after that we never really spoke again. We would see each other now and then at school but we never really spoke much because she had been there a lot longer than i have and she was far moer progressed in the course than me so i would really not have much to talk to her about (i thought).

 

So anyway, today while randomly on Facebook i get a friend request from her. I accepted it. Few minutes later i get a message from her saying Hi. I didnt respond to it because...well i was on RS.

Few seconds later i get another message from her saying "don't ignore me :(".

Okay so i decided to reply.

We talked for a while and she asked me why i never go out with them when they go out. I replied by telling her that the guys she usually goes out with and me aren't exactly friends and i would have nothing to talk about with them. all of them are 6 months ahead of us. It's kind of like they have their own group and us newbies have our own group. It's kind of hard to explain, but because we're all at different phases of the course we see very little of each other. The only people you do really see are the 11 or 12 other people on the same course as you are at the moment.

Anyway, so after the usual "how are you, what are you doing, how was your day" fake conversation, and after asking me why i never go out with them, she told me that she and i should go out some day. I thought she meant that i should go out with them, as a group. I told her that i'll think about it. I'm not really sure where they usually go and in all honesty i would rather spend my friday night doing a bit of extra studying than being caught in an awkward situsation where i go out with a bunch of people i hardly know and chances are i'll end up wishing i was home the whole night.

She told me that i had misunderstood her. When seh said we should go out, she meant just the two of us, maybe for dinner or something. I was very confused by this, but replied by saying "yeah, sure" nontheless. Obviously not the most enthused reply, but it was really all i could come up with in my confusion.

We talked for maybe another hour or two before she had to go fly.

 

Now the reason i say i am being taunted is because the other girl, the new girl, also spoke to me today. Over the past few days we've spent a lot of time talking on skype. She would tell me that she wants to talk to me about some of the upcoming tests they have (although she knows for a fact that other people would be able to give her much better advice, she insisted i help her) but after a few minutes she would start stearing the conversation to other things. I didn not really mind this as talking about school is something i really, really hate. I sit in a class 4 hours every day listening ty flight related topics, thenn i get home and my room mate talks to my about flying for another hour while we eat and relax a bit. All everyone talks about is flying and aviation and it makesvme so annoyed. So her talking about other things is a nice change. So anyway, we were talking about what our favorite movies were and then out of the blue she asked me if i might want to go watch a movie with her sometime this week. She told me that we could either go to the cinema (something i really, really hate doing) or we could just get something and watch it at either her house or mine.

 

So i'm pretty sure i just got asked out, by two different girls, to go on a date with them. I'm trying to stay open minded now. I'm trying to just take everything as it comes. Meaning i don't want things with my ex come in the way of me enjoying myself and my time in the US.

But i' not sure what to do now. I feel like the new girl is someone i could really like. She is cute and we've spent a lot of time together, or talking on the phone/skype since she got here. She makes me laugh a lot and she has these weird habits that are pretty damn cute. She's also my age.

 

The Italian girl (the one whos room i walked into by mistake), well i dont know her very well, but shes HOT. Like really hot. But aside from that i dont know anything about her.

 

This leaves me in a pickle because i'm not sure how to approach what just happened today.

 

EDIT: Also i told my Ex yesterday that she needs to stop toying with me. I told her that i am no longer going to reply to her messages until her actions reflect her words. Certain things she does i do not like (some new habits) and i told her than any chance of us being together means she'll have to drop those habits. I have not really told her much about this new girl (aside from the phone call the other night she pretty much doesnt know she exists). Anyway, i told her that because of her hot and cold streaks over the past few weeks i have lost all my trust in her and that she was going to have to work to get it back. I asked her to stop calling and texting so often because it's annoying me. And thats about it.

[Range_This11]

Go out with both of them so you can find out which one you enjoy being with more. They don't have to know and you shouldn't feel bad about it either.

[RpgGamer]

When it rains, it pours Noxx. And as a pilot, you know how dangerous storms can be :P

 

I'd suggest hanging out with both girls and seeing who you enjoy being with more. This may lead to a more definitive decision down the line, but worry about that later. For now, just enjoy yourself. And I don't really see a problem with telling your ex every little detail of whats going on. She knows you rather well, she may even be able to give you insight on what you really want.

[muggiwhplar]

I'm starting to feel like i'm being taunted by some higher power. I'll explain why, but first i have to explain a bit of history.

 

So the first day of school, we all got assigned our rooms. The campus is made up of about 50 houses that all look identical. It was late at night when i was moving in. I could not really see the numbers on the houses. I went to the one i thought was mine and opened the room that i thought was mine. As i opened the door i see a girl sitting on the bed. Out of shock i dropped the stuff i had in my hands. I stood there silently for a minute, picked up the stuff and apologized. I explained to her what happened and she just kind of laughed and told me i must be looking for the house next door. I closed the door and walked away feeling like an idiot. Okay, so after this i saw her again about 2 weeks later at a BBQ we were having at our house the one day, sort of as a meet and greet. She joked about hwat had happened the first day. But after that we never really spoke again. We would see each other now and then at school but we never really spoke much because she had been there a lot longer than i have and she was far moer progressed in the course than me so i would really not have much to talk to her about (i thought).

 

So anyway, today while randomly on Facebook i get a friend request from her. I accepted it. Few minutes later i get a message from her saying Hi. I didnt respond to it because...well i was on RS.

Few seconds later i get another message from her saying "don't ignore me :(".

Okay so i decided to reply.

We talked for a while and she asked me why i never go out with them when they go out. I replied by telling her that the guys she usually goes out with and me aren't exactly friends and i would have nothing to talk about with them. all of them are 6 months ahead of us. It's kind of like they have their own group and us newbies have our own group. It's kind of hard to explain, but because we're all at different phases of the course we see very little of each other. The only people you do really see are the 11 or 12 other people on the same course as you are at the moment.

Anyway, so after the usual "how are you, what are you doing, how was your day" fake conversation, and after asking me why i never go out with them, she told me that she and i should go out some day. I thought she meant that i should go out with them, as a group. I told her that i'll think about it. I'm not really sure where they usually go and in all honesty i would rather spend my friday night doing a bit of extra studying than being caught in an awkward situsation where i go out with a bunch of people i hardly know and chances are i'll end up wishing i was home the whole night.

She told me that i had misunderstood her. When seh said we should go out, she meant just the two of us, maybe for dinner or something. I was very confused by this, but replied by saying "yeah, sure" nontheless. Obviously not the most enthused reply, but it was really all i could come up with in my confusion.

We talked for maybe another hour or two before she had to go fly.

 

Now the reason i say i am being taunted is because the other girl, the new girl, also spoke to me today. Over the past few days we've spent a lot of time talking on skype. She would tell me that she wants to talk to me about some of the upcoming tests they have (although she knows for a fact that other people would be able to give her much better advice, she insisted i help her) but after a few minutes she would start stearing the conversation to other things. I didn not really mind this as talking about school is something i really, really hate. I sit in a class 4 hours every day listening ty flight related topics, thenn i get home and my room mate talks to my about flying for another hour while we eat and relax a bit. All everyone talks about is flying and aviation and it makesvme so annoyed. So her talking about other things is a nice change. So anyway, we were talking about what our favorite movies were and then out of the blue she asked me if i might want to go watch a movie with her sometime this week. She told me that we could either go to the cinema (something i really, really hate doing) or we could just get something and watch it at either her house or mine.

 

So i'm pretty sure i just got asked out, by two different girls, to go on a date with them. I'm trying to stay open minded now. I'm trying to just take everything as it comes. Meaning i don't want things with my ex come in the way of me enjoying myself and my time in the US.

But i' not sure what to do now. I feel like the new girl is someone i could really like. She is cute and we've spent a lot of time together, or talking on the phone/skype since she got here. She makes me laugh a lot and she has these weird habits that are pretty damn cute. She's also my age.

 

The Italian girl (the one whos room i walked into by mistake), well i dont know her very well, but shes HOT. Like really hot. But aside from that i dont know anything about her.

 

This leaves me in a pickle because i'm not sure how to approach what just happened today.

 

EDIT: Also i told my Ex yesterday that she needs to stop toying with me. I told her that i am no longer going to reply to her messages until her actions reflect her words. Certain things she does i do not like (some new habits) and i told her than any chance of us being together means she'll have to drop those habits. I have not really told her much about this new girl (aside from the phone call the other night she pretty much doesnt know she exists). Anyway, i told her that because of her hot and cold streaks over the past few weeks i have lost all my trust in her and that she was going to have to work to get it back. I asked her to stop calling and texting so often because it's annoying me. And thats about it.

 

#monogamist-problems :P

[Jeffwilson99]

A date isn't a big commitment, you should be pleased that you have options. Choice is your friend.

[Noxx]

Big step was taken today.

So my ex sent me another message on Facebook telling me she misses me, but she's a mess right now and she has no time for relationships because this that and some more horseshit.

She did say a few things that made sense, which i had to understand. But all in all, it's the same shit i've been hearing for the past few weeks. She told me she couldn't be with me right now, etc. etc.

That's when i kind of snapped, because in the last conversation i had with her i thought i made it clear that i did not exactly want to get back together with her, especially not now. She needs to get her act straight before anything can happen (if anything was to happen).

So i told her to get it in her head. I told her that i do not want to be with her. i don't. But i'll be there for her. I've seen what she has gone through, and i know the pain she feels. I know how many people have abandoned her, i am not going to be one of them. Whether or not people think it's a bad idea, i don't care. I'm not breaking a promise i made 4 years ago, not when she needs that promise to be kept the most. I realise that it might cause me some damage, but at least one day she will remember that there was always one person who did not give up on her, and she will not feel completely worthless. Because right now, with everyone leaving left right and center, i can only imagine how worthless one must feel. I am not going to add to that, it's not in me.

 

Anyway, so after this little conversation i decided you know, [bleep] it. I'm young and it's time to live like i am. So i called the new girl. I told her Thursday night, you, me, movie. My house (cause i cbf driving over there, and i cbf going to the cinema). I'll cook (and probably poison her due to my lack of cooking skills), you just make sure you bring some good wine. And the conversation ended. Short and to the point!

Felt good.

 

Depending on how that goes, i'll see where i'm going to take it. If it's good, then no Italian.

 

I feel revived. My eyes have opened.

[The_Gabe]

Big step was taken today.

So my ex sent me another message on Facebook telling me she misses me, but she's a mess right now and she has no time for relationships because this that and some more horseshit.

She did say a few things that made sense, which i had to understand. But all in all, it's the same shit i've been hearing for the past few weeks. She told me she couldn't be with me right now, etc. etc.

That's when i kind of snapped, because in the last conversation i had with her i thought i made it clear that i did not exactly want to get back together with her, especially not now. She needs to get her act straight before anything can happen (if anything was to happen).

So i told her to get it in her head. I told her that i do not want to be with her. i don't. But i'll be there for her. I've seen what she has gone through, and i know the pain she feels. I know how many people have abandoned her, i am not going to be one of them. Whether or not people think it's a bad idea, i don't care. I'm not breaking a promise i made 4 years ago, not when she needs that promise to be kept the most. I realise that it might cause me some damage, but at least one day she will remember that there was always one person who did not give up on her, and she will not feel completely worthless. Because right now, with everyone leaving left right and center, i can only imagine how worthless one must feel. I am not going to add to that, it's not in me.

 

Anyway, so after this little conversation i decided you know, [bleep] it. I'm young and it's time to live like i am. So i called the new girl. I told her Thursday night, you, me, movie. My house (cause i cbf driving over there, and i cbf going to the cinema). I'll cook (and probably poison her due to my lack of cooking skills), you just make sure you bring some good wine. And the conversation ended. Short and to the point!

Felt good.

 

Depending on how that goes, i'll see where i'm going to take it. If it's good, then no Italian.

 

I feel revived. My eyes have opened.

 

This post was the definition of a manly post. :thumbup:

[TTanT]

Deciding to screw it all and ask the girl I like out tomorrow rather than waiting for the other guy who's going to prom with her to make a move.

This is mostly because if I don't ask her someone else is going to tell her I like her, at this point.

 

I only told two people, my ex (who wouldn't blab), and my best friend (for advice). Best friend slipped up and told a friend of his, who has a girlfriend whom he tells everything to. And she can't keep her mouth shut.

Moreso, my bestfriend let it slip that there was another person that likes her to my inetrest and now she's pressuring him to tell her.

 

So, tomorrow I say [bleep] it and ask. Honor is out the window at this point as she's going to find out regardless. But if I ask her rather than her finding out my chances are higher and I don't look like pansy. So I'll go with that.

 

Nervous as hell, but I know at this point that asking people out is like getting stung by a wasp. Intimidating as hell, but not actually that painful. My friend who blabbed, hwoever, says her questions have been pointed as if she's guessed it's me and she seems very keen to find out, so I feel like that's a good sign.

I'll be back with the results tomorrow.

[RpgGamer]

Deciding to screw it all and ask the girl I like out tomorrow rather than waiting for the other guy who's going to prom with her to make a move.

This is mostly because if I don't ask her someone else is going to tell her I like her, at this point.

 

I only told two people, my ex (who wouldn't blab), and my best friend (for advice). Best friend slipped up and told a friend of his, who has a girlfriend whom he tells everything to. And she can't keep her mouth shut.

Moreso, my bestfriend let it slip that there was another person that likes her to my inetrest and now she's pressuring him to tell her.

 

So, tomorrow I say [bleep] it and ask. Honor is out the window at this point as she's going to find out regardless. But if I ask her rather than her finding out my chances are higher and I don't look like pansy. So I'll go with that.

 

Nervous as hell, but I know at this point that asking people out is like getting stung by a wasp. Intimidating as hell, but not actually that painful. My friend who blabbed, hwoever, says her questions have been pointed as if she's guessed it's me and she seems very keen to find out, so I feel like that's a good sign.

I'll be back with the results tomorrow.

 

lol high school

[TTanT]

Deciding to screw it all and ask the girl I like out tomorrow rather than waiting for the other guy who's going to prom with her to make a move.

This is mostly because if I don't ask her someone else is going to tell her I like her, at this point.

 

I only told two people, my ex (who wouldn't blab), and my best friend (for advice). Best friend slipped up and told a friend of his, who has a girlfriend whom he tells everything to. And she can't keep her mouth shut.

Moreso, my bestfriend let it slip that there was another person that likes her to my inetrest and now she's pressuring him to tell her.

 

So, tomorrow I say [bleep] it and ask. Honor is out the window at this point as she's going to find out regardless. But if I ask her rather than her finding out my chances are higher and I don't look like pansy. So I'll go with that.

 

Nervous as hell, but I know at this point that asking people out is like getting stung by a wasp. Intimidating as hell, but not actually that painful. My friend who blabbed, hwoever, says her questions have been pointed as if she's guessed it's me and she seems very keen to find out, so I feel like that's a good sign.

I'll be back with the results tomorrow.

 

lol high school

I'll be out of it in a few months, so I can survive.

And it could be worse, my friend didn't spread it as a rumor which escalated through retellings until it turned into "TTanT wants to rape [girl]." THAT is where highschool is at its worse.

[Thus]

I figure many relationships don't last, so I don't even bother.