"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[RpgGamer]

in said hypotetical situation, lets say she said she was in love with her ex

Isn't your ex the one that dumped you for your friend? Your never going to be able to trust her around your friends again, so unless your life plan involves the two of you hooking back up and then becoming hermits forever, its not going to work out, so you should probably stop considering it. Also keep in mind that she was drunk, and that no one should ever hook back up with their ex because of what one of them said ever. I don't care if they compose a Shakespearean sonnet for you while wasted, its not a good idea.

 

I said hypotetical dammit, leave my story out of this question.

 

But for the record my ex didn't break up with me for my friend, she wanted to get back together with me by having sex with my friend. because some how that made sense to her.

[Tim]

... because some how that made sense to her.

 

I'm having some issues lately. At the moment I'm REALLY unhappy with my life style as it is, work eats my weekends up my weekends, my friends have been unreliable lately (or insist I hang out at places that take 90 mins to drive to) and a person i'm in a relationship with, it's becoming stressful for us both living apart and While everyone's all "lets make out in front of everyone as we're couples" attitude lately, It's causing me mental breakdowns because we're far apart and only get to be together every 2-3 months :(

 

basically, how do you cope with a very stressful life, wanting to be normal like everyone else, and keep pushing on to try and be together? I just feel upset lately because I can't have a normal life/relationship due to my jelousy of wanting acceptance of people.

 

 

...Maybe i'm just losing it and rambling on...

[muggiwhplar]

... because some how that made sense to her.

 

I'm having some issues lately. At the moment I'm REALLY unhappy with my life style as it is, work eats my weekends up my weekends, my friends have been unreliable lately (or insist I hang out at places that take 90 mins to drive to) and a person i'm in a relationship with, it's becoming stressful for us both living apart and While everyone's all "lets make out in front of everyone as we're couples" attitude lately, It's causing me mental breakdowns because we're far apart and only get to be together every 2-3 months :(

 

basically, how do you cope with a very stressful life, wanting to be normal like everyone else, and keep pushing on to try and be together? I just feel upset lately because I can't have a normal life/relationship due to my jelousy of wanting acceptance of people.

 

 

...Maybe i'm just losing it and rambling on...

 

Quit your job if it's taking up all your free time. If you desperately need money right now, get a job that will grant you more free time with less pay.

 

Long distance relationships are a bad idea. You're sacrificing a lot for basically nothing in return. Unsurprisingly, my advice would be to end the relationship and learn how to be happy while you're single, but that would require you to choose uncertainty over unhappiness-- a choice which very few people make these days, unfortunately.

 

I already gave you a detailed reply in the past on how to be happier w/o depending on external gratifications. Something tells me you were either too afraid or too lazy to give it a shot. Here it is again: http://forum.tip.it/index.php?showtopic=192134&view=findpost&p=5265215

 

I'm more than happy to help improve your life as long as you demonstrate that you're at least being proactive about it. If you aren't, then you're wasting both of our time.

[Tim]

... because some how that made sense to her.

 

I'm having some issues lately. At the moment I'm REALLY unhappy with my life style as it is, work eats my weekends up my weekends, my friends have been unreliable lately (or insist I hang out at places that take 90 mins to drive to) and a person i'm in a relationship with, it's becoming stressful for us both living apart and While everyone's all "lets make out in front of everyone as we're couples" attitude lately, It's causing me mental breakdowns because we're far apart and only get to be together every 2-3 months :(

 

basically, how do you cope with a very stressful life, wanting to be normal like everyone else, and keep pushing on to try and be together? I just feel upset lately because I can't have a normal life/relationship due to my jelousy of wanting acceptance of people.

 

 

...Maybe i'm just losing it and rambling on...

 

Quit your job if it's taking up all your free time. If you desperately need money right now, get a job that will grant you more free time with less pay.

 

Long distance relationships are a bad idea. You're sacrificing a lot for basically nothing in return. Unsurprisingly, my advice would be to end the relationship and learn how to be happy while you're single, but that would require you to choose uncertainty over unhappiness-- a choice which very people make these days, unfortunately.

 

I already gave you a detailed reply in the past on how to be happier w/o depending on external gratifications. Something tells me you were either too afraid or too lazy to give it a shot. Here it is again: http://forum.tip.it/index.php?showtopic=192134&view=findpost&p=5265215

 

I'm more than happy to help improve your life as long as you demonstrate that you're at least being proactive about it. If you aren't, then you're wasting both of our time.

I AM trying, The job takes up my entire weekends when renders going out drinking difficult to do, and main reason im still working there is to try and save up to move out and be happier, so its not like im just sitting back going "welp, that's that. miserable4lyf", whilst looking for a better job. (plus this job only pays ~300 a week, and im unable to get assist so thats out of the option)

[muggiwhplar]

What are you going to do when you move out?

[Tim]

Repair everything. my life, the mistakes I made to myself (anxiety-wise), gain my self independence. I'm not sure if you still live with your parents (probably not) but at 21 with a 19yo' Sister+Fiancee + 1 year old daughter + alcoholic dad; this household is a prison, and its mentally and physically draining on me and, no joke, it's gradually getting worse each week.

[muggiwhplar]

Yeah you should definitely get the hell out of there ASAP.

 

You'll have basically all the freedom in the world when you can live alone w/o a girlfriend and w/o kids. Though living w/ a friend isn't too bad-- you save a lot of money and it fulfills some of your basic social needs, but it still doesn't beat living on your own.

 

I'm sure there's some things you can get to work on fixing right now, though. You don't have to live alone to start working on certain happiness-related goals.

[Low Levelled]

so ummm.... this girl i was talking to and kinda was a FWB with just told me her brother molested her when she was 8 years old up until she was 12...

 

dafuq do i do?

 

i'm pretty superficial and idk if i can get past it honestly

[Ouchy]

You aren't emotionally attached to her are you?

[RpgGamer]

so ummm.... this girl i was talking to and kinda was a FWB with just told me her brother molested her when she was 8 years old up until she was 12...

 

dafuq do i do?

 

i'm pretty superficial and idk if i can get past it honestly

 

if she doesn't care there's no sense in you caring.

 

Seeing as how she brought it up, she may be developing some sort of personal connection to you. If that's not what you want, you may want to cease and desist your FWB relations.

[muggiwhplar]

so ummm.... this girl i was talking to and kinda was a FWB with just told me her brother molested her when she was 8 years old up until she was 12...

 

dafuq do i do?

 

i'm pretty superficial and idk if i can get past it honestly

 

You've got a few options, depending on how you feel and what you want. I don't really know much about your relationship so this advice is gonna be somewhat broad.

 

If you have feelings for her, and want to keep seeing her, then basically start treating her as more of a girlfriend but still withhold exclusivity. Or give serial monogamy a shot.

 

If you don't have feelings for her, and want to keep seeing her, then keep doing what you've been doing.

 

If you don't want to keep seeing her, regardless of how you feel, like you stated already this is due to your superficiality. Get over it-- you'd be surprised at how many people have had experiences like that. Hell, even one of my male friends had an experience like that when he was a kid :blink: Point being, I don't see how this is a problem unless she's a total psycho because of it and it's affecting you too. But considering she's just a FWB and not your girlfriend it really shouldn't be affecting you at all... just see her less and see other girls more.

[Omar]

I don't understand, she should be the one freaking out about it if anything, not you. Is she insecure about it?

[Low Levelled]

I don't get attached... Well, I'm just gonna ignore her until she gets the hint I don't wanna see her again. I've been very fortunate I guess, and sexual abuse is something I've never encountered before like that.

[Vezon Dash]

I don't get attached... Well, I'm just gonna ignore her until she gets the hint I don't wanna see her again. I've been very fortunate I guess, and sexual abuse is something I've never encountered before like that.

 

Maybe instead of being a jackass to her, you should tell her upfront.

[Randox]

I don't get attached... Well, I'm just gonna ignore her until she gets the hint I don't wanna see her again. I've been very fortunate I guess, and sexual abuse is something I've never encountered before like that.

 

Maybe instead of being a jackass to her, you should tell her upfront.

I would just like to take a second and point out that this is pretty much the worst thing you could do. Be a man and tell her you don't want to see her any more. She isn't going to be happy, but beyond the 10 minutes of suck this is going to rain down on you, its a much nicer thing to do than trying to ignore her, and it will probably be a lot better in the long run.

 

I can see the temptation, having been in a situation where ignoring seemed like a good way to go myself (the difference being we lived in the same house, and a totally different point of contention). I seriously regret taking the easy way out even though I can't be sure things wouldn't have been even worse had I not, and its not something I will ever be able to fix, because every day I waged my war of apathy, I dug the hole deeper. I might never be able to fix that mistake, but its not one I ever wish to make again.

[Low Levelled]

I don't get attached... Well, I'm just gonna ignore her until she gets the hint I don't wanna see her again. I've been very fortunate I guess, and sexual abuse is something I've never encountered before like that.

 

Maybe instead of being a jackass to her, you should tell her upfront.

 

It's going to come off as i'm the jackass no matter what i do.

 

I don't get attached... Well, I'm just gonna ignore her until she gets the hint I don't wanna see her again. I've been very fortunate I guess, and sexual abuse is something I've never encountered before like that.

 

Maybe instead of being a jackass to her, you should tell her upfront.

I would just like to take a second and point out that this is pretty much the worst thing you could do. Be a man and tell her you don't want to see her any more. She isn't going to be happy, but beyond the 10 minutes of suck this is going to rain down on you, its a much nicer thing to do than trying to ignore her, and it will probably be a lot better in the long run.

 

I can see the temptation, having been in a situation where ignoring seemed like a good way to go myself (the difference being we lived in the same house, and a totally different point of contention). I seriously regret taking the easy way out even though I can't be sure things wouldn't have been even worse had I not, and its not something I will ever be able to fix, because every day I waged my war of apathy, I dug the hole deeper. I might never be able to fix that mistake, but its not one I ever wish to make again.

 

Yeah I can see where you are coming from. But the easy way out is so... easy. I gotta become a better guy at some point in my life. It's just so fun to not give a shit, but it really is terrible.

[Vezon Dash]

Might as well start now then. I may be very wrong here, but I think that she may be more understanding since she is in that awkward situation. You might should tell her that you don't want to sit there and take sexual advantage of her which would appear as an act of kindness. Like I said though, my experience with relationships and stuff is quite limited.

[Low Levelled]

i just don't get how someone could rape their sister.

[Riku3220]

i just don't get how someone could rape their sister.

Most sexual abuse happens between family members and known acquaintances. Either way, would it be better if they were strangers rather than brother or sister?

[Low Levelled]

i just don't get how someone could rape their sister.

Most sexual abuse happens between family members and known acquaintances. Either way, would it be better if they were strangers rather than brother or sister?

 

Ok I'll fix it.

 

I don't get how someone could rape another human being.

[Riku3220]

If I had to take a guess I'd say some sort of combination of lust and power. I can't imagine very many people in the world waking up one day and saying, "I feel like raping somebody today".

[muggiwhplar]

You shouldn't feel too pressured to directly tell her that you no longer wish to keep seeing her. She's just a FWB. There should be no attachment on either side, and therefore no hard feelings. If you break her heart by telling her you no longer wish to see her, then you messed up somewhere along the line by acting too much like a boyfriend, as opposed to just a guy on the side. I'm also hoping that you never led her on in any way by implying that you'd make her your girlfriend eventually.

 

It just seems kinda weird to me that you would make a big deal out not seeing her anymore when she's just a FWB. Those kinds of relationships usually end with radio silence from one side, anyway. Again, if it's a "healthy" FWB relationship, then there shouldn't be any feelings/commitment on either side.

[Randox]

You shouldn't feel too pressured to directly tell her that you no longer wish to keep seeing her. She's just a FWB. There should be no attachment on either side, and therefore no hard feelings. If you break her heart by telling her you no longer wish to see her, then you messed up somewhere along the line by acting too much like a boyfriend, as opposed to just a guy on the side. I'm also hoping that you never led her on in any way by implying that you'd make her your girlfriend eventually.

 

It just seems kinda weird to me that you would make a big deal out not seeing her anymore when she's just a FWB. Those kinds of relationships usually end with radio silence from one side, anyway. Again, if it's a "healthy" FWB relationship, then there shouldn't be any feelings/commitment on either side.

They are still friends, and ignoring her is essentially using the silent treatment on her.

 

And yeah, it sucks because if your honest, your going to hurt her either way, and your going to suffer more if your strait up with her. But I'd still consider it the right thing to do, and your probably going to leave her with fewer trust issues if you don't just try to vanish. It's a shitty situation though, on every level and for everyone involved.

 

And I would like to join in with the lack of understanding of how someone can rape someone else, let alone a family member. That most sexual abuse would seem to be familial is frankly terrifying, and probably the worst kind because these are the people you should always feel safe with. Take that away and you make someone truly alone in the world, and that is a terrible thing to do to someone.

[Omar]

Muggi, I think even if there's no commitment there is still an issue. Her self-esteem is the problem IMO. If he calls it off now she'll probably connect some dots and feel like having been raped is a big turn-off, possibly more so than before. Admittedly this isn't really Low_Levelled's responsibility, but he could take one for the team and try to get over it.

I find it strange (I'm not trying to accuse you of anything) that what you don't comprehend is how someone could rape someone else. That would be about the "someone", not the "someone else". Doesn't seem to be the crux of the issue.

How did this come up anyway?

[Randox]

Muggi, I think even if there's no commitment there is still an issue. Her self-esteem is the problem IMO. If he calls it off now she'll probably connect some dots and feel like having been raped is a big turn-off, possibly more so than before. Admittedly this isn't really Low_Levelled's responsibility, but he could take one for the team and try to get over it.

I find it strange (I'm not trying to accuse you of anything) that what you don't comprehend is how someone could rape someone else. That would be about the "someone", not the "someone else". Doesn't seem to be the crux of the issue.

How did this come up anyway?

 

This is a fair point. No matter what you do, if you break things off she is going to connect the dots and come to think that telling people will scare them away from her. It's not a great position for low leveled to be in, but it does warrant some consideration if, as Omar said, he is willing to take one for the team and try to get over it, at least for a while. But if not, until your in a committed relationship or a parent, then self is more important than anyone else, and you need to do what you need to do. In a committed relationship, then I would say both people must consider each other the same as self, and once your a parent then obviously your children are the most important people in your lives.