People often fall into the trap of thinking that their honeymoon feelings are equivalent to "love," and that those feelings will last more than about 3 years. Love isn't exciting like honeymoon feelings are. Love is BORING.

That's an opinion as subjective as whatever your definition of love is. Different people seek different things.

Hopefully you're suggesting that my opinion of what "boring" is is subjective, rather than the fact that honeymoon feelings are temporary.

....What happened to my post in here?

 

only posted it like 40 mins ago

Of course. The term "honeymoon period", usually applied in the context of sport, has some validity behind it. But that's only natural; not only have you just declared one of the biggest commitments you'll ever make in life, both emotionally and financially, but somebody else has reciprocated that commitment to you. It stands to reason that whatever feelings you have at that moment in time are very much heightened and exaggerated in response to what's happening.

....What happened to my post in here?

 

only posted it like 40 mins ago

 

Either you are hallucinating about posting, or it got deleted.

When you edit all the content out of your post, magical forum gnomes whisk it away to the dark realm.

 

 

As a side note, while I was looking at those 6 types, I also discovered that people have genetic predispositions towards at least some of them, such as Eros and Storge.

127 hours is the perfect amount of time to have your arm stuck in a rock, that's for sure.

 

That's what I call marriage haha amirite??

Seems like me and my ex are kind of fixing things somehow. I mean it kind of happened unintentionally the past week or two. She moved back home again, back to her old life. We started talking again very regularly, like i knew we would. I knew she would get bored and start talking to me again often. I didn't really mind it too much even though i knew it was out of boredom. It was really the same thing on my part too, to be honest. But then today things took a bit of a turn. We got really emotional. I told her that the past year has been a total mess. I told her that i messed up pretty much every relationship i was in. Now i know that in my past posts i have always made myself out to be the good guy, but truth be told i was not. Probably not in one case. I realised this past week (i was sick, spent a lot of time in bed thinking), that with each new girl i meet i rush things so much. I try and force a relationship out of this air. I try to skip steps and jump straight to the "Okay so now we are boyfriend and girlfriend" step (as stupid as that sounds). I was craving it so bad. I really just wanted what me and my ex had, at all costs. Thats the only time i can remember i was really happy about what i was and who i was. I got up each morning with a smile on my face. I studied so hard and i was getting good grades and i was enjoying it. Now i need to study hard but i don't enjoy it at all. I've been slacking off on my flying because i just hated being up 5000ft in the air all by myself because my mind would start to wander so much. I would be up there thinking "Wow i wish i could show this to someone special". I realised that everything Claire, Meghan, Kat, Courtney, Becca, Viccy, and Priscilla did was constantly being compared to how my ex used to do it. I spoke to Claire today and told her i was sorry for the way i acted towards her. I was really pushy with her. I tried forcing a relationship for all the wrong reasons. I was stubborn and childish. I wanted something but i wanted it for all the wrong reasons. I told her that i used to pride myself on being mature for my age. When i was 16, 17, 18, i would only have friends that were in their 20s because i hated everything about people my own age. They seemed to always want one thing and that was to get drunk and get high and i had no time for that. They seemed to be stuck on stupid things that you'd only be stuck on at age 13. But then i guess i stopped growing up. I might have been mature back then, but now at 22 i'm acting like a horny teenager. And maybe that's normal, i don't know. But i feel like i've been so unfair to the girls around me and it really made me sad today when i thought about it.

 

But anyway me and my ex started talking. She told me she went to the beach today and when i get back home she wants to take me there. I told her i had a dream about her last night and as i expected she asked me what it was about. I told her and she fell silent i guess. I mean, there wasn't really a right way to respond to that so i would have done the same in her shoes. I then went on to tell her some other things and she asked me what i wanted from her. I told her that i love her. I always have since the moment i saw her standing outside the 7/11 (okay it wasn't really a 7/11 but it was kind of a convenience store) (also she was not a hooker or anything, she was just standing there talking on the phone waiting for her dad...just to make things clear, haha). I loved her through all the trouble i had with my parents because of her. I loved her through all the fights we had. I even loved her when she left to the US. I told her i thought of her very often and that i had a ton of unsent and unfinished messages on my e-mail. Stuff i never had the guts to send, stuff i thought would only upset her, and stuff i thought would make her want to come back to me. I wanted her to live her life and enjoy herself while she was in the US. I never expected i would kind of lose her in the process, but if it was supposed to happen that way then what can i do about it? (As you guys can see i did most of the talking). Then she said that i did not answer her question. What do i want from her. I told her that it's pretty self evident and she should stop playing games.

 

She told me that the past two years she has met a lot of people, and she has lost as many as she has met. People seemed to come and go. But there was one person that was there all the way. One person that would eat up her shit, and be there when she was crying or be there when she needed to vent. He would be there whenever she needed him.. He told her 4 years ago he would be there no matter what and even though she thought it was just one of those things a boyfriend tells a girlfriend, he delivered.

 

I might not have been there the day she had to get an abortion. I just could not do anything to be there, as much as i wanted to. But i have been there every moment after that as hard as it was at times. But yeah we talked for a few hours and i guess the mutual feeling was that we still had a lot of left over feeling for eachother. I told her about the girls i met while i was here which i think was a very smart move because it made her really think about things. Things like i don't just want to be with her because i can't find anyone else, and finding someone else really isn't a problem for me (not wanting to sound cocky or anything). I want to be with her because... i just want to. I want to be a pilot, and damn right i'll be one in 4 months. I want her, and damn right i'll get her in 4 months.

It's really weird how things happened the past two weeks.

As a side note, while I was looking at those 6 types, I also discovered that people have genetic predispositions towards at least some of them, such as Eros and Storge.

What makes you certain that it is genetic predisposition and not parental conditioning?

Dammit Noxx lol

It mentions it in the article, here is their reference. http://www.ncbi.nlm....pubmed/18063936

 

Also thanks for the advice about waiting times, I had a feeling it was going to be that way but didn't want to accidentally make things awkward by being too fast/slow.

Dammit Noxx lol

What can i say... Old habits die hard.

And this was an old habit that was a really good one. She was the first girl i was every really sexually active with so at the time i had almost nothing to compare her with. At the time i thought the two of us were amazing together in bed. But i knew it was possible that the only reason i thought that was because i had little to compare it with. But then over the past year and a half i kinda do realise that we did have something good. I'm sure you know that you just click better sexually with some people than you do with others. And thus far she was still the best. Gotta give me some points for that, haha.

I don't see anything wrong with dating her again... Just don't do anything stupid.

 

If you want to bang her, but she's dead set on keeping the child if you get her pregnant again, THEN DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HER. Unless you don't mind losing all of your money and freedom for the next 20 years :P

 

And as always, don't move in with her, don't propose w/o a prenup, don't co-own stuff, etc.

You got her knocked up?

 

I'll keep my opinion out of it (idgaf about abortions and all that) but god damn doesn't anyone use condoms anymore...

As a side note, while I was looking at those 6 types, I also discovered that people have genetic predispositions towards at least some of them, such as Eros and Storge.

What makes you certain that it is genetic predisposition and not parental conditioning?

 

What makes you certain that parental conditioning is not genetic in origin?

I think we as humans have the amazing ability to make false things true. If you believe something hard enough, it actually becomes true in your own mind. But what makes humans special is that we have the ability to convince other people that our own personal delusions and skewed views are actually true. We have the capacity to advertise, propagate and influence the minds of others, to make any statement or falsehood a bonofide fact. We have the ability to sympathize and empathize our emotions, projecting messages to other people in a very hive-mind like fashion that evolved into our social stigmas, our behavior, and our feelings.

 

That being said, Muggiwhplar, I believe your belief of love being boring is in fact making you believe it's boring. Just in the same motivational train we put ourselves in to diffuse awkward encounters (It's only as awkward as you make it). Think of it this way: Love is exciting. Love is not boring. Love is exciting. It's different for every person, and while you are perfectly entitled to your own conjectures and opinions on it, you are projecting a certain quantity of negative energy over the concept of love and traditional relationships. If you were to change your outlook in the same way you beg us to attempt (to combat those pesky social norms that everyone here can agree are mostly balogna) to do, you would just as easily find yourself believing love is exciting. I know you've meditated and thought it all out, and I'm not asking for you to spell out every step you took to reach your conclusion, I just think it's interesting that having had what I assume to be a similar frequency of self-reflection, we both deducted such different conclusions.

 

I told her that the past year has been a total mess. I told her that i messed up pretty much every relationship i was in.

 

Well I got to about here and I thought:

 

Dammit Noxx lol

 

Noxx, you remind me of myself in your current predicament, and I'm not just saying that because you're talking to your ex, I'm saying that because I know exactly how that conversation you had with her goes. Familiarity is not something that should be taken for granted. And I'll never argue anyone that states "The first is the best". I've heard wise words on this thread, words that stuck with me for something close to 6 years now. "If there ever was an attraction, there can and likely will be again". While these words doomed me to chase after my ex many...many times, I have to say it worked successfully. Especially in the case of such a strongly backed first "actual" relationship. Few are blessed with such a connection with someone for their first time. I have no regrets for anything regarding anything to do with any one, or the conglomeration of all of my relationships with my ex. Let's be fair, just because you "break up" with someone doesn't mean the "relationship" is over. A relationship is a connection, a tie of memory you share with someone for ever. I suppose a relationship ends when you stop talking to a person for one reason or another, but the connection can only ever grow stronger between two people. I know as well as you should that you're the type of guy that can always pick up the phone and with confidence call your ex and have something to talk about, and no matter what it is it'll deviate into something emotional. I do the same thing. Also why I try not to talk to her very often. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with it. I guess what I'm getting at is, you never really lost your ex. You just...I don't have a good analogy for it. But hell, I know you can get back together with her at any given moment. Maybe it won't be instantly, but with the connection you have with her, it will never not be possible. Your bond is far too strong. I live with a similar blessing/curse. I choose to handle it differently, so I conclude with this: You know the worst case scenario, and you know the best. Choose to do whatever will make you the happiest. Oh! and you're not a mess. You're just experiencing self-discovery.

I think we as humans have the amazing ability to make false things true. If you believe something hard enough, it actually becomes true in your own mind. But what makes humans special is that we have the ability to convince other people that our own personal delusions and skewed views are actually true. We have the capacity to advertise, propagate and influence the minds of others, to make any statement or falsehood a bonofide fact. We have the ability to sympathize and empathize our emotions, projecting messages to other people in a very hive-mind like fashion that evolved into our social stigmas, our behavior, and our feelings.

 

That being said, Muggiwhplar, I believe your belief of love being boring is in fact making you believe it's boring. Just in the same motivational train we put ourselves in to diffuse awkward encounters (It's only as awkward as you make it). Think of it this way: Love is exciting. Love is not boring. Love is exciting. It's different for every person, and while you are perfectly entitled to your own conjectures and opinions on it, you are projecting a certain quantity of negative energy over the concept of love and traditional relationships. If you were to change your outlook in the same way you beg us to attempt (to combat those pesky social norms that everyone here can agree are mostly balogna) to do, you would just as easily find yourself believing love is exciting. I know you've meditated and thought it all out, and I'm not asking for you to spell out every step you took to reach your conclusion, I just think it's interesting that having had what I assume to be a similar frequency of self-reflection, we both deducted such different conclusions.

 

You're touching on a point which I was going to write about in-depth soon.

 

In a nutshell, and quantum physics aside, some things in life are concrete realities (objective), while others are subject to personal interpretation (subjective). If you want to be consistently happy, then you must learn which of these realities are objective (and unchangeable), and which are subjective. If something is objective, and it is unpleasant, then you must accept it anyways. You don't have to agree with it, but you do have to accept it if you want to be happy. For example, if you're a fat girl, you're going to have a harder time finding a boyfriend than if you were fit because men are hardwired to find fit women more attractive than fat women. Is that fair? No, not necessarily. But if you're a fat girl and you want to get a boyfriend, you can't do anything to change how men feel. If you want to get a boyfriend, you're better off losing weight than trying to convince men otherwise. You have to accept reality and structure your life such that the reality doesn't interfere with your happiness. If something is subjective, you should always be optimistic about it. The problem is, people are always optimistic/pessimistic "incorrectly."

 

People watch the news (which is nothing but negativity and trauma-inducing garbage these days) and see a plane crash. Suddenly they're anxious about flying on a plane, even though in reality, the fact of the matter is that the odds of a plane crash are very unlikely. Conversely, when it comes to things like marriage, reality states that it's unlikely to succeed, yet people still insist on getting married, despite acknowledging the statistics. The divorce rate is like 50%, yet people will gladly bet their long-term happiness on such shitty odds. Everyone thinks they're special when they aren't. It's like going skydiving when the instructor tells you "Oh by the way, half of these parachutes don't work. Is that going to be a problem?" :P

 

When it comes to "correctly" interpreting things, I've said in the past that if a girl rejects you, then there's no denying that you've been rejected. You can, however, subjectively interpret the situation as "good" or "bad." A "good" interpretation would be, "Wow I'm glad I found out now that we're not a match, as opposed to wasting several more hours talking to her-- or even longer! Now I'm free to talk to other girls who might be interested!" A "bad" interpretation would be, "That girl just rejected me, I'm such a loser! Why doesn't she like me?!"

 

Now, then. Things such as "boredom" and "love" are indeed subjective. However, the fact that feelings change over time is not an opinion; it's a fact. How you feel about your partner when you first date them is going to be completely different than how you feel from them decades down the road. Additionally, you're not going to be infatuated/obsessed with them like you were when you first met them-- those feelings are temporary. Those initial feelings are also subjectively exciting. The feelings that replace them are subjectively boring. Their love isn't full of passion and mystery and excitement anymore; their relationship is very routine and secure. They come home from work, watch TV together, then go to bed (probably without having sex). That's the reality of the matter. If you think that sounds "fun" or "exciting," then by all means pursue it. Just don't complain about it if/when you start feeling unhappy, or if/when your wife starts fantasizing about other men because you no longer turn her on.

 

I told her that the past year has been a total mess. I told her that i messed up pretty much every relationship i was in.

 

Well I got to about here and I thought:

 

Dammit Noxx lol

 

Noxx, you remind me of myself in your current predicament, and I'm not just saying that because you're talking to your ex, I'm saying that because I know exactly how that conversation you had with her goes. Familiarity is not something that should be taken for granted. And I'll never argue anyone that states "The first is the best". I've heard wise words on this thread, words that stuck with me for something close to 6 years now. "If there ever was an attraction, there can and likely will be again". While these words doomed me to chase after my ex many...many times, I have to say it worked successfully. Especially in the case of such a strongly backed first "actual" relationship. Few are blessed with such a connection with someone for their first time. I have no regrets for anything regarding anything to do with any one, or the conglomeration of all of my relationships with my ex. Let's be fair, just because you "break up" with someone doesn't mean the "relationship" is over. A relationship is a connection, a tie of memory you share with someone for ever. I suppose a relationship ends when you stop talking to a person for one reason or another, but the connection can only ever grow stronger between two people. I know as well as you should that you're the type of guy that can always pick up the phone and with confidence call your ex and have something to talk about, and no matter what it is it'll deviate into something emotional. I do the same thing. Also why I try not to talk to her very often. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with it. I guess what I'm getting at is, you never really lost your ex. You just...I don't have a good analogy for it. But hell, I know you can get back together with her at any given moment. Maybe it won't be instantly, but with the connection you have with her, it will never not be possible. Your bond is far too strong. I live with a similar blessing/curse. I choose to handle it differently, so I conclude with this: You know the worst case scenario, and you know the best. Choose to do whatever will make you the happiest. Oh! and you're not a mess. You're just experiencing self-discovery.

 

I could be misinterpreting your post, but to be honest I have no clue why you're suggesting to Noxx that you can rekindle a "dead" relationship with an ex. You're the perfect counterexample to the point you seem to be trying to make.

 

The objective reality of the matter is, if you date a girl and then you break up and get needy, she's not going to be attracted to you like she once was. The only type of man that will turn a woman on forever is the man that remains confident and non-needy forever. As I've said before, monogamy prevents men from remaining confident and non-needy forever. Therefore, if you want a woman to remain attracted to you forever, poly's the only option. Both of you insist upon monogamy; both of you therefore will be unable to keep your "special someones" attracted to you forever. Will they "love" you forever? It's possible. But will they remain attracted/horny for you forever? Absolutely not. Such is the nature of the beast.

I feel like this is the perfect time for this picture:

 

As a side note, while I was looking at those 6 types, I also discovered that people have genetic predispositions towards at least some of them, such as Eros and Storge.

What makes you certain that it is genetic predisposition and not parental conditioning?

 

What makes you certain that parental conditioning is not genetic in origin?

 

It's a sparse field of study, but there is this. We know that our brain chemistry and how our brain responds to certain chemical stimuli affect our behavior. The hypotheses would be that our preferences for a romantic relationship would be an aspect of our life where this is a factor, and we do know that our genetic code determines our chemical makeup and response. Behavioral genetics.

 

I think the current working theory tends to be a combination of nature and nurture. If you look at our decisions as the output of a learning AI, then our decisions will be based on our experiences, because that's how such a program leans (finding connections between inputs and outputs, which is also the cause for such superstitions as lucky objects, as well as discrimination). But how a program learns depends on how the leaning program was initially setup, what the initial program itself looks like. Our experiences are nurture, but our hardware, our programming, that's nature.

 

Logically, we probably have broad genetic predispositions towards just about every decision we will ever make, with the fine tuning set by our experiences. It's not really a one or the other sort of thing. It probably never is just one or the other. It is both, in varying ratios.

Oh i plan on living with my parents again for a while when i go back home. I don't want to move in with a girl quite yet. I've still got certain habits i'd like to keep for a year or two longer. Living with a girl would mean having to drop those habits. I don't plan on getting married for a very long time either. I don;t think if we get together things are going to be too serious at first. Going to take us a while to get a feel for each other again.

And using protection is something i've always been serious about. But you know, sometimes they do rip. It's happened to me a few times before actually. And she used to be on the pill but she stopped it for a month or something and of course it was during that month that my dear freind Durex decided to me....not so durable. Shit happens i guess.

 

Funny thing is, theres something in the back of my mind that's telling me "This is just another phase. You'll see her and be with her for a week then think meh im over this."

Thought this would be appropriate considering the advice most commonly given.

Edit: Click the link

Noxx, you remind me of myself in your current predicament, and I'm not just saying that because you're talking to your ex, I'm saying that because I know exactly how that conversation you had with her goes. Familiarity is not something that should be taken for granted. And I'll never argue anyone that states "The first is the best". I've heard wise words on this thread, words that stuck with me for something close to 6 years now. "If there ever was an attraction, there can and likely will be again". While these words doomed me to chase after my ex many...many times, I have to say it worked successfully. Especially in the case of such a strongly backed first "actual" relationship. Few are blessed with such a connection with someone for their first time. I have no regrets for anything regarding anything to do with any one, or the conglomeration of all of my relationships with my ex. Let's be fair, just because you "break up" with someone doesn't mean the "relationship" is over. A relationship is a connection, a tie of memory you share with someone for ever. I suppose a relationship ends when you stop talking to a person for one reason or another, but the connection can only ever grow stronger between two people. I know as well as you should that you're the type of guy that can always pick up the phone and with confidence call your ex and have something to talk about, and no matter what it is it'll deviate into something emotional. I do the same thing. Also why I try not to talk to her very often. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with it. I guess what I'm getting at is, you never really lost your ex. You just...I don't have a good analogy for it. But hell, I know you can get back together with her at any given moment. Maybe it won't be instantly, but with the connection you have with her, it will never not be possible. Your bond is far too strong. I live with a similar blessing/curse. I choose to handle it differently, so I conclude with this: You know the worst case scenario, and you know the best. Choose to do whatever will make you the happiest. Oh! and you're not a mess. You're just experiencing self-discovery.

 

I could be misinterpreting your post, but to be honest I have no clue why you're suggesting to Noxx that you can rekindle a "dead" relationship with an ex. You're the perfect counterexample to the point you seem to be trying to make.

 

The objective reality of the matter is, if you date a girl and then you break up and get needy, she's not going to be attracted to you like she once was. The only type of man that will turn a woman on forever is the man that remains confident and non-needy forever. As I've said before, monogamy prevents men from remaining confident and non-needy forever. Therefore, if you want a woman to remain attracted to you forever, poly's the only option. Both of you insist upon monogamy; both of you therefore will be unable to keep your "special someones" attracted to you forever. Will they "love" you forever? It's possible. But will they remain attracted/horny for you forever? Absolutely not. Such is the nature of the beast.

 

I am the counterexample, surely. But unlike physics and math, relationships don't always yield the same result after numerous repetitions. Remember that relationships are based on feelings and emotions, which are the furthest thing from concrete and stable. Especially when it's two people involved and not just one. One person is unstable, Two people are exponentially more-so chaotic in their entwined state. While there is no guarentee that everything will be honkey-dorey -> THAT is what makes it exciting. Sure 50% of parachutes failing is a scary statistic, but I think that 50% of relationships succeeding/failing is a reasonable statistic that employs an equal opportunity for both parties and genders to make equal mistakes. Emotions change and shift, that is the point you made, but you choose to focus this fact in a light that portrays a girl (and likely a boy, though that's never your example) losing interest in their parntner over time. This can absolutely happen. In fact, I'd say it happens 50% of the time. But that makes for an equal likelyhood of being happy, does it not? To be truly symbiotic with someone means that you grow with them and become in tune with them. I imagine you've never had a connection with a female on the same "level" (for lack of better terminology) as Noxx has. So yes, my point is you can rekindle a "dead" relationship. Truly, with enough effort anyone could really. The question is if it's worth the effort or not, and that's up for the involved party to decide, no outside force or party could ever have the same insight on the situation as a whole.

Well at least you admit that your beliefs on the matter are completely irrational.

 

Again, the reason why you're never going to be consistently happy in the long run is because you value "excitement" (drama) more than you value happiness.