"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[constrictor]

^

[Estonian dude]

Umm, what did I write before?

I have absolutely no recollection of writing in HERE. And I cannot understand what I have said here...

[Giordano]

Umm, what did I write before?

I have absolutely no recollection of writing in HERE. And I cannot understand what I have said here...

You said Estonians were cold and closed people, that they're not as open as Americans and would never do such promiscuous things as laying in bed, four of them, with a guy.

 

Then you come along and break the Estonian way of life by making these four girls lay in bed with you. Just curious how you managed to do that, is all. And you may of mentioned the coldness in the Today thread.

[Omar]

Nope, it was in here.

http://forum.tip.it/topic/192134-i-want-a-girlfriendboyfriend-and-other-such-relationship-advice/page__st__14460#entry5385123

[Estonian dude]

Coldness indeed. And I meant what did I write earlier before. I cannot understand what I meant earlier, on the first post of this thread.

 

And did I ever say I was laying in bed with them? They are girls from my class who I just get along with, who were completely wasted and simply held me so that I wouldn't hinder them drawing things on my face... I fell asleep within 10 mins of getting to bed, but this was at a party locale and there was this common bedroom with 5 single beds, out of which I occupied one. It is almost a rule that if you go to sleep there you wake up with something on your face.

[Kaida23]

*pfft* Amateurs. Falling asleep first should result in waking up duct taped to a picnic table and/or the dog. :lol:

[Ginger_Warrior]

Aww... it's cute when the young ones can't take their drink.

[RpgGamer]

Facebook is amazingly useful when meeting new people, actually.

 

Add them.

Check out their likes/interests.

Avoid all the awkward small talk looking for common ground.

Success!

 

I'm sure muggi has better stats than I do for the success rates of online dating.

 

This is precisely how I met the girl I'm 'seeing" now. I call it "facebook roulette". I explained it in my vlog a little a couple weeks ago.

 

I think this thread has lost the "Advice" part a long time ago. Only on very rare occasions do people actually want advice. This is more of a way for people to vent about relationships and discuss them. Well, more than people wanting advice anyway.

 

Hey, this isn't completely true. Like, maybe recently it has, but I used to come here for a lot of advice. I used to be quite terrible about getting myself friendzoned (hell, I saw some quote about it in somebody's signature once). While I admittedly still have not been in a relationship/done anything remotely sexual in the past yearish since I've stopped posting about every girl I meet here, I at least have made enough progress that I attract girls now; there have been about three since this schoolyear started but I didn't pursue any of them because of distance/age gap (I'm in college, they were all still in high school at my hometown and a long-distance relationship seems kind of pointless to me). Still, thats a definite improvement from where I was prior to this thread, and I definitely learned a lot about motivation and self-improvement from here. Advice from here has really helped me increase my confidence overall, and this drive for self-improvement led to me learning a lot more about fashion, starting to lift, and just trying to be more approachable and better at flirting in general.

 

So like, this thread's advice isn't completely useless. I'm sure there are other people like me here that it has helped; it just takes a long time to put some of this into motion. I'm sure I could have more success/things to talk about here if finding a girl was actually a priority for me currently, but it's taking a backseat to my self-improvement at this point and I am completely satisfied with that for the time being.

 

 

I've learned tons of stuff in this thread, and I hope if nothing else people can learn from my mistakes. I might not be able to say exactly the right thing, but at least I can serve as an example. I'd rather make the mistake and post about it to prevent anyone else from doing it. Also, I feel the "advice" has drifted away from seeking a relationship after we decided that if you desire a relationship, you're already in the wrong mindset. This unfortunately derived into this sadistic advice giving style where we almost seem to tell each other to stay as single as possible for our on sanity. I for one am a romantic. If I want advice in wooing a girl, I'd like to hear advice about wooing said girl. Regardless if she's horrible for me. I'm well aware of what's good and what isn't. I just don't always care. When's the last time this thread actually helped someone succeed in helping a poster find themselves a significant other? It's been a while. Because we focus so hard on initial attraction. It's important, yes. But no one seems to be helping people with issues in phase 2. I learned to initiate properly from this thread, and it's been a huge help. But I find myself saying..."and then what" quite a lot after attracting a girl.

 

 

 

*sigh*

 

I know you're right, but...I just haven't found the right line-crossing moment that makes me want to give up. She made me promise to never let her go. She practically quoted A Day To Remember at me. It's gonna take something more than logic to get me to stop.

 

I can accept this. You can't really help who you fall for, and once your heart is set on someone it's hard to change it's path . However, I need to ask you something. Before you met this girl, were you into drugs? Were you the the type of guy who drives his girl wherever she wants to go? Don't let her change you too much.

 

Precisely one of my mistakes. I've never done hard drugs, nor did I have a strong desire to before meeting her. The whole taking care of her and driving her around thing is me though. I feel she takes advantage of it, but that's always been a flaw of mine I guess. I really need to not be a pushover when it comes to pretty girls.

 

--

 

Not looking for advice, but more just something I'd like to post:

 

She came to my friends house last night, we played out game, she was with-holding sex presumably because she's still mad at me for last weekend. I drove her home, she kissed me good night and said she had a lot of fun. Said something about asking me if I still had a desire to be with her legitimately and I said we'd talk about it when we're sober. I called her an hour ago and now I'm sitting here with my thumb up my ass waiting for her to call back.

 

Learn from me:

fight for your right to be what you are and do as you please. Don't just give in, cause if you give a girl an inch when you're getting to know eachother - they'll run you for miles and miles.

[Omar]

We're sadists because we think if you're asking about one particular person, you're already doing it wrong.

“Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.”

[RpgGamer]

I feel by subtracting the individuality of the subject, you overgeneralize the situation though. I mean you can say "do something to make them smile" all you like and be right, but it's not particularly helpful.

[Omar]

That wasn't my point. When you go in with a "do or die" mentality, you've already set yourself up for failure.

FWIW ever since muggi's been here I think things have changed more from "get into a couple" to "get into many couples", not towards singledom.

[RpgGamer]

I've tried the whole juggling multiple girls thing, and I suppose there's not really been a time since my last real relationship where I didn't have more than one thing going on, but I prefer to focus on one girl. Even if that does mean putting all of my eggs in one basket and risking my satisfaction. After all, that places a lot of responsibility on that one girl. I've realized the logical fallacy in it, but it just feels....better? I like not feeling like I'm in a competition, or judging that competition. But maybe this is a temporary feeling.

 

gftog and the like.

 

I get hung up on nerdy girls too easy. And crazy girls.

[Omar]

You're a different case. You know how to pull, you just end up becoming a mess once you're in.

[muggiwhplar]

It's been a while since I posted something long and detailed here; I figured this would be a nice time to do so. :D This isn't necessarily going to be a "response" to RPG's post. Instead it's just my "analysis/observations" of his behavior and the current "state of the union" of this thread... if that makes sense. :P

 

I've learned tons of stuff in this thread, and I hope if nothing else people can learn from my mistakes. I might not be able to say exactly the right thing, but at least I can serve as an example. I'd rather make the mistake and post about it to prevent anyone else from doing it.

 

I think most of the regulars and lurkers here have learned new things from reading this thread. Whether or not they put this knowledge into action is a completely different story, however. I'm sure anybody who's read enough of my posts can predict what my response will be to anybody's situation by now. I imagine RPG (and many, many others ITT) knows what he should do, he just doesn't want to do it for whatever reason. Since he refuses to do it, it sort of invalidates whatever knowledge he may possess.

 

Also, I feel the "advice" has drifted away from seeking a relationship after we decided that if you desire a relationship, you're already in the wrong mindset.

 

There's a big difference between wanting/preferring a relationship and needing/seeking a relationship. There's nothing wrong with being in a relationship-- regardless of if it's poly or mono, short-term or long-term, as long as it's making you consistently happy. When you enter a relationship from a fear-based mentality of trying to get something out of it, rather than a love-based mentality of trying to give, you're going to find it impossible to maintain consistent long-term happiness from your relationship.

 

This unfortunately derived into this sadistic advice giving style where we almost seem to tell each other to stay as single as possible for our on sanity.

 

I agree that it could be considered sadistic to advise people to stay single if the person is unhappy being single. But, if a person's unhappily single, then they're going to be unhappy in a relationship as well. This is simply because if you're unhappy while single, it's probably because you're needy or have low self-esteem or feel unloved. But getting into a relationship would only temporarily fix those symptoms, not the problem. If you want to fix the actual problem, you must learn how to appreciate being single. Then you can start thinking about getting into a relationship.

 

If you have the same perspective on dating and relationships that Ted Mosby does, you're doing something wrong.

 

I for one am a romantic.

 

And how's that been working out for you? :P

 

If I want advice in wooing a girl, I'd like to hear advice about wooing said girl. Regardless if she's horrible for me. I'm well aware of what's good and what isn't. I just don't always care.

 

Most people asking for advice in this thread aren't aware of what's good and what's isn't. You, however, don't have the blissful ignorance so therefore you can't really expect us to take your advice-seeking seriously, especially when we know you probably won't follow it anyways. Like I said, you already know what to do, for better or for worse, you just want our reassurance whenever you're torn between choosing long-term consistent happiness and short-term gratification.

 

When's the last time this thread actually helped someone succeed in helping a poster find themselves a significant other? It's been a while. Because we focus so hard on initial attraction. It's important, yes. But no one seems to be helping people with issues in phase 2. I learned to initiate properly from this thread, and it's been a huge help. But I find myself saying..."and then what" quite a lot after attracting a girl.

 

Dating/sex/relationships is divided into two categories:

1. Getting girls interested in you.

2. Keeping girls interested in you.

 

Both of which require a completely different skillset.

 

I agree that most of this thread's focus is on #1 and less on #2. But that's because people don't start asking questions about #2 here until it's too late. Regardless, even if people did ask for advice for their relationships, they'd probably ignore it in the same way that people ignore the advice given to them on how to meet girls. They know what they should do, but they refuse to do so. Noxx was posting a lot of relationship questions a couple of months ago, though.

 

I sense that you're upset because we aren't telling you what you want to hear. You want us to tell you that we think your current "relationship" is a good idea or that if you do this, this, and that, you can live happily ever after with her. But we both know that's not the case.

 

Precisely one of my mistakes. I've never done hard drugs, nor did I have a strong desire to before meeting her. The whole taking care of her and driving her around thing is me though. I feel she takes advantage of it, but that's always been a flaw of mine I guess. I really need to not be a pushover when it comes to pretty girls.

 

If you weren't locked into a scarcity mentality, do you think you'd be such a pushover with this particular girl?

 

She came to my friends house last night, we played out game, she was with-holding sex presumably because she's still mad at me for last weekend. I drove her home, she kissed me good night and said she had a lot of fun. Said something about asking me if I still had a desire to be with her legitimately and I said we'd talk about it when we're sober. I called her an hour ago and now I'm sitting here with my thumb up my ass waiting for her to call back.

 

Learn from me:

fight for your right to be what you are and do as you please. Don't just give in, cause if you give a girl an inch when you're getting to know eachother - they'll run you for miles and miles.

 

This is something we've been lecturing you about for a while now. :wall: Guess you really do need to touch the stove to make sure it's actually hot sometimes. :-|

 

I've tried the whole juggling multiple girls thing, and I suppose there's not really been a time since my last real relationship where I didn't have more than one thing going on, but I prefer to focus on one girl. Even if that does mean putting all of my eggs in one basket and risking my satisfaction. After all, that places a lot of responsibility on that one girl. I've realized the logical fallacy in it, but it just feels....better? I like not feeling like I'm in a competition, or judging that competition. But maybe this is a temporary feeling.

 

gftog and the like.

 

I get hung up on nerdy girls too easy. And crazy girls.

 

As a reminder, when you willingly choose to get yourself into situations like this, you waive your right to complain about the repercussions for doing so.

[RpgGamer]

I think that's the most I've ever agreed with Muggiw in a single post. You've got me pegged quite well. I'd just like to clarify that

1) if there was no scarcity, I wouldn't give half as many shits as I do

2) identifying myself as Ted Mosby incarnate has not played to my advantage (especially the blue french horn my ex bought me)

3) i will grab that stove every damn time no matter how red hot it looks, eventually maybe I'll learn better

4) I've given up the thoughts of being in a serious relationship with this girl. she lies, she manipulates, she's vindictive, and she slaughters my savings account. My first clue to not take her seriously really should have been when she told me she listens to Blood On The Dancefloor without being ironic. (I'm not upset because you're not appeasing my desire for assurance, I'm upset because I realize no matter what I do I'm screwed)

 

 

Now that I'm done peacefully defending myself, I'd like to propose a new direction for the thread:

 

 

2. Keeping girls interested in you

 

I'd like to hear more about this, because it is probably the weakest point in my "game". I have slight hiccups in attracting girls, but I'm confident in saying I'm quite capable of it. Keeping the girls around? I have trouble with. So, I'm not really sure where to begin so let's start simple. Does the initial attraction differ in any way if you're planning on keeping them around longer than a short period of time?

[muggiwhplar]

2. Keeping girls interested in you

 

I'd like to hear more about this, because it is probably the weakest point in my "game". I have slight hiccups in attracting girls, but I'm confident in saying I'm quite capable of it. Keeping the girls around? I have trouble with. So, I'm not really sure where to begin so let's start simple. Does the initial attraction differ in any way if you're planning on keeping them around longer than a short period of time?

 

That's a HUGE topic, but here's relationships in a nutshell :P

 

[spoiler=Relationships Guide for Women]

How to meet a man:

1. Look hot/cute

2. Be sweet to him

 

How to keep a man:

1. Remain hot/cute

2. Remain sweet to him

3. Match his sex drive.

 

(Credit: Blackdragon :P)

 

 

 

[spoiler=Relationships Guide for Men]

How to meet a girl:

1. Be confident

2. Be non-needy

 

How to keep a girl:

1. Remain confident

2. Remain non-needy

3. Be good in bed

 

 

 

It's very simple. But just because it's simple doesn't mean it's easy. If you skimp out on any one of those points, expect problems. In your case, RPG, you are unable to remain non-needy. There are ways to be romantic without sacrificing your non-neediness, mind you. But I'd ask myself why being a romantic is so important in the first place? I suspect you think you're doing women a favor somehow by being a hopeless romantic, when in reality you're just turning her off and disappointing yourself.

[Tim]

-snip-

I find that biased towards straight men only :P

 

Turns out the guy I hooked up with is "emotionally unavaliable" and lost atm so to make it less cluster[bleep] on both our minds I wont pursue him. However next party at end of month is bigger so more chances, and I thought I'd give that grindr app' a go. so far: VERY picky people, and old men sending me nudes and asking me "how'd I like to go for a ride".

 

 

 

:|

[muggiwhplar]

Tim just follow the women guide. Should work out the same. :thumbup:

[Omar]

I went out alone tonight. Nothing super-interesting happened, I'm just writing this out.

 

I don't even go out much to begin with (can't drink until September in Ontario, and without someone to trek to the Québec border, where the drinking laws are less strict, I generally don't want to make the effort), but a cool-ass afrobeat band I'd seen in Montréal was playing, and I wanted to go. My usual show buddy was in Montréal (seeing Wavves and Fidlar, lucky ass) and I couldn't get anyone to come out with me. 15 minutes before the show was supposed to begin, I almost gave up and resigned myself to staying home, but I thought "[bleep] it", closed my laptop, put some clothes on, wolfed down some food and drank some coffee to get pumped. I booked it to catch the bus, and I showed up to the bar when they had already started playing; by that time I was starting to get slightly nervous about not having anyone else to hang with and getting over the positive mood I had earlier.

 

I made my way in front of the stage and started shaking it (although I had a hard time dancing long ago, I enjoy it a lot if I like the music now). No one caught my eye, and most people were in the 22-30 years old range anyway. I was mostly there for the music, so it didn't matter too much until it stopped. Unbeknownst to me, this was only the first half of the set. At that point I was thinking I'd paid 12$ for 20 minutes of Souljazz Orchestra, so I wasn't overjoyed. Luckily, I knew they served my favourite beer at this place; I'd brought money for some shots, but I figured since I was probably going to leave on account of not knowing what to do with myself, I could go with that luxury. Not so luckily, I got a half-assed pour and 4 inches of very persistent head. Son of a [bleep], that cost me seven bucks. Still a little mad about that.

 

I parked myself in the corner, near the stage, where I'd been dancing. A more-than-middle-aged man was talking to one of the saxophonists. The saxophonist didn't seem super interested; I'm not sure. I didn't know who to talk to and I didn't feel like I could really butt in, so I started talking to the older dude when the saxophonist left. He talked about irrelevant business like the Canadarm and touch screens; his breath was pretty bad, too. I stopped talking to him and focused my efforts on a guy who also seemed to be alone. The conversation was nothing special. I finished my foam and decided I was done for the night. As I got my stuff back from the coat check thingy, I went outside to the smoker's area to put on my clothes and not be in the way. A woman/girl (she was thirty, it turns out, but I thought she was much younger) started talking to me. Note to self: pretend to go out for air every once in a while, you can actually talk out there and sometimes smokers are the only ones in their group. Would probably be better if I could just talk to groups, but in any case, I found out there was a second half to the show through some genuinely engaging conversation. As she lit up a cigarette, the band started playing my favourite piece of theirs, so I went back in to shake it some more, but I stayed at the back.

 

Eventually I spotted the girl where I'd been dancing earlier; I went back, we danced (more separately than not). I was having a lot of fun. Eventually the show was over; she left just before. I grabbed my stuff, went outside, put on my robe and wizard hat sweater, coat, and scarf. A girl from my Macroeconomics class whom I thought I'd caught a glimpse of came out; she introduced herself and her roommate. Small talk; the thirty year-old woman comes back out. I am 100% sure she smoked a spliff with the band (as she mentioned she would) because she's giggling like a little girl. Light-hearted conversation keeps going for five minutes, we end up talking about how cold it is despite it being April; she starts going on and on about how it's good for the polar bears, no one really cares and the other girl's roommate starts laughing. I'm thinking the interaction has jumped the shark, so I said I was going to dip and we parted ways. I booked it to catch the bus but it was actually just sitting there so I might just as well have walked. As it started leaving, a bunch of girls in club-appropriate attire stopped it and got on. I knew one of them from my frosh week and from repeatedly harassing her to get her to come to events our student association was planning; I didn't really want to talk to her or her friends, so I didn't. Another girl I knew got on the bus later on. I went to sit with her, we talked, and she got off after two stops. I eventually got home.

 

tl;dr I'm glad I went, but thank dog the music was great. I could never do this at a club. I wasted an awful lot of time trying to find people to go though, being alone wasn't a huge deal. I just need to go outside and find people to talk to, make some general comment and get the ball rolling.

[Randox]

It is interesting to look at the advice we give. There is probably some room for us to answer the questions people ask, even if our experience dictates we give advice a step up from that. Or rather, keep giving the advice we give, but also answer the actual question asked on their terms. It hit's me that this is the only place where I rarely do that, answering on other people's terms (which is possibly a backseat issue to the fact that multiple friends on RuneScape have come to me for relationship advice despite the fact that I have never once brought the subject up myself).

 

I wouldn't mind us going at maintaining relationships for bit myself. It's an interesting subject, and ultimately I think a very important one.

[RpgGamer]

2. Keeping girls interested in you

 

I'd like to hear more about this, because it is probably the weakest point in my "game". I have slight hiccups in attracting girls, but I'm confident in saying I'm quite capable of it. Keeping the girls around? I have trouble with. So, I'm not really sure where to begin so let's start simple. Does the initial attraction differ in any way if you're planning on keeping them around longer than a short period of time?

 

That's a HUGE topic, but here's relationships in a nutshell :P

 

[spoiler=Relationships Guide for Women]

How to meet a man:

1. Look hot/cute

2. Be sweet to him

 

How to keep a man:

1. Remain hot/cute

2. Remain sweet to him

3. Match his sex drive.

 

(Credit: Blackdragon :P)

 

 

 

[spoiler=Relationships Guide for Men]

How to meet a girl:

1. Be confident

2. Be non-needy

 

How to keep a girl:

1. Remain confident

2. Remain non-needy

3. Be good in bed

 

 

 

It's very simple. But just because it's simple doesn't mean it's easy. If you skimp out on any one of those points, expect problems. In your case, RPG, you are unable to remain non-needy. There are ways to be romantic without sacrificing your non-neediness, mind you. But I'd ask myself why being a romantic is so important in the first place? I suspect you think you're doing women a favor somehow by being a hopeless romantic, when in reality you're just turning her off and disappointing yourself.

 

I really need to not lose my head when I start getting infatuated. Sacrifice seems like such a good gesture, but it occurred to me last night it's not a good answer. I've been reading a lot of Erich Fromm lately, and basically the gist of it is: true pure religious sincerity comes from the individual, not a God that demands it. Obedience and sacrifice are not part of love. And then it hit me. That's exactly what I do when I get crazy over a girl. I demand mutual obedience and sacrifice until I have nothing left. That's not love, it's worship. And that's not healthy spiritually or in a relationship.

 

I need to learn to keep the integrity of who I am, no matter how attracted to a girl I get. Or in your words - Don't be needy. I'm generally not a needy guy, but when I get real caught up in a girl I become a huge well...[bleep]. I was telling my friends the other night I'm already whipped like Django. And that's stupid. Especially for someone as relaxed as I am.

 

Look at me....learning stuff and stuff.

[Kaida23]

[spoiler=Relationships Guide for Women]

How to meet a man:

1. Look hot/cute

 

How to keep a man:

1. Remain hot/cute

 

 

 

[spoiler=Relationships Guide for Men]

How to meet a girl:

1. LIE!

 

How to keep a girl:

1. KEEP LYING!

 

 

 

These had too many points so I condensed them down for ya. :P

 

RPG, the more you talk about this girl you've been seeing, the more she reminds me of my ex-wife when we were together; before I realized she was bat-shit crazy. Everyone else already saw it, but, as you know, it's hard to see when you're the one involved. It shouldn't ruin your day or make your sphincter contract when she calls/texts you, she shouldn't be freaking out on you for not going out of your way to placate her, and she sure as hell shouldn't be sucking your bank account dry (that happens later after you get married :P). Sure the sex is great (why is that always the case with the crazy ones?), but trust me it's not worth it. It sounds like you're already trying to get out, and that's good. Get out and get as far away as you can. And yes, I realize that's easier said than done.

[RpgGamer]

it's just so hard to explain to everyone at work when I haven't seen them in two weeks. I want to capture the intense happiness I felt, without invalidating the current state of things, but while bottom lining it with a "she's a lunatic and I'm nuts about her". I've decided that I'm not taking her seriously, but I still want to [bleep] her brains out. I can tell you're familiar with crazy though. Where every conversation can leave you head over heels lovedrunk, or spin you into a fit of rage, and you have no idea which way it's going to go. But the thrill is in the gamble. I think I need to stop talking about her entirely, at least to my real life friends. It would likely keep me from falling for all her fun traits again. Cause dammit I get hypnotized by her hip tattoos. And it's just so familiar to be so attracted to someone who infuriates me on such a high magnitude.

 

I really need to stop enjoying hating people I want to bang. Or whatever twisted weirdness I've developed.

[constrictor]

it's just so hard to explain to everyone at work when I haven't seen them in two weeks. I want to capture the intense happiness I felt, without invalidating the current state of things, but while bottom lining it with a "she's a lunatic and I'm nuts about her". I've decided that I'm not taking her seriously, but I still want to [bleep] her brains out. I can tell you're familiar with crazy though. Where every conversation can leave you head over heels lovedrunk, or spin you into a fit of rage, and you have no idea which way it's going to go. But the thrill is in the gamble. I think I need to stop talking about her entirely, at least to my real life friends. It would likely keep me from falling for all her fun traits again. Cause dammit I get hypnotized by her hip tattoos. And it's just so familiar to be so attracted to someone who infuriates me on such a high magnitude.

 

I really need to stop enjoying hating people I want to bang. Or whatever twisted weirdness I've developed.

 

It's funny. Honestly, RPG, I kinda judged you super hard at first(and I apologize for this), but as you've explained more more I've realized how much we are alike.

 

The whole like completely dedicating yourself to whoever the girl is when you're entirely infatuated is like me to a tee. And it sucks. Alot.

 

Anyways, don't know why I said that but all of this has been really helpful.

 

/back to lurking.

[obfuscator]

No, it doesn't suck. What sucks is getting hit by a bus, because it's something you have no control over.

 

Acting like an idiot and then feeling sorry for yourself doesn't suck, it's stupid.