"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Omar]

I have a belief that some people only enter relationships out of a compulsive need to do so. In fact, I'm convinced this is more than a belief; I'm pretty much quoting some of my friends here: "I'm the kind of person who always needs to be in a relationship", "but you just feel so secure in a relationship", "When you're in a relationship it's about having someone who's always there for you no matter what."

 

All of these sentiments come from a deep-rooted feeling of insecurity, which is immature. Maturity is recognising not to put so much of your emotional stability on the shoulders of other people. I guarantee if my friends did that, their perception of a healthy relationship would change quite drastically.

 

That's more of challenging the idea of community, which I would disagree with. We need community to survive.

But do you need a relationship to have a community?

[The_Gabe]

Girlfriend and I decided to wait off on sex until both of us feel like we're ready. Honestly, I'm completely okay with this. It just means it'd be more special when it does happen.

 

I've been there before with my first real gf back in high school and I stand by what has been previously said here.

 

You dont know how you really feel about a girl until after you sleep with her.

 

Not that your wrong to wait but before you invest too heavily in her keep in mind that you could sleep with her and realize you may not want to commit to this girl and you were just thinking with your dick this whole time. Or you may sleep with her and want to continue. But just keep that in mind that your attitude towards that relationship can change drastically after you do have sex and that your not a bad person to feel that way.

 

Ill pass. I know how I feel. I wasnt asking for advise with that post.

[Ginger_Warrior]

I'm translating your post as "I feel ready, but she doesn't." Otherwise, you'd have said "She wants to, but I don't feel ready yet."

 

First thing to say is that how you live your life is your business, not mine, so I'm not going to lecture you either way. Honestly speaking though... is that really the situation between the two of you?

[RpgGamer]

In other news, a close friend of mine's completely [kitty] whipped by his gf, sadly. I hang out with him (them) a lot, and in the past year, I've only been out alone with him twice. Because 99 times out of 100 his girlfriend's invited herself over and he's afraid to ever say "no" to her. Then when she's over, we have to do whatever she wants or else she gets upset. I keep inviting him out w/ me and my other friends to have a "bros night" sort of thing so he can get away from his gf, but she never lets him off the leash. Sigh. She's trying to get him to buy a house for them >_> It's painful to watch my friends be miserable and make stupid decisions (or at least refuse to make smart decisions). Anyways, I decided to quit hanging out with them. Don't get me wrong though-- he's cool and his girlfriend's cool. But when they're together, they're really unpleasant to be around lol.

 

Oh well. :-|

 

My chick logic kicked in when I realized no one has been validating my posts about my own stupidity because no one cares, and thus to meet the approval of the group I must change my actions to once again become interesting to the community.

 

Push/Pull/ignore works.

 

And apparently I have a girl brain.

 

@Gabe

 

It's your choice, and if you feel in 5 years time that you'll stand by that decision than go for it. Personally I think waiting is kinda 'meh' because you're only going to be as young and pretty as you are right now in this very moment. Plus - practice makes perfect, and it's kinda like wasting valuable practice time if you dig? But hey, no need to rush it. Rushing things can often muck it all up.

[homer205]

It is true that the idealism which surrounds relationships when you're in your teens starts to wear off after a few failed attempts, and that people learn lessons from those failures.

 

Perhaps the middle ground we can agree on is that while relationships are generally a source of optimism and happiness for the two individuals involved and their friends/family, and should therefore be encouraged, people are more likely to enter relationships which will fail if they haven't fully realised why they're entering the relationship in the first place. Is it really because their new partner is that great, or is it that they're just too needy at that point in time, and "any port in a storm" will do.

 

Exactly. The last paragraph is entirely true.

And I think to often people seeking relationships because evryone else is.

 

Someone was saying earlier that in order to view and interact well in a relationship, you have to be ok AND enjoy being single.

 

Personally I see relationships as a continuation of a very goodfriendahip with someone of the opposite gender (this being how I would govern a relationship). Thus I willnot even consider "dating" someone if I have not be "friendzoned" by them prior. If that makes sense. I want to be entirely comfortable with the person and underatand how they react to situations and if their reactions would compliment mine, if not it's setup for failure.

 

This does make sense to some people. In fact it reminded me of something Randox posted previously about the different kinds of ways we develop attraction.

 

 

@Ginger Warrior

 

Agree with most of that, though relationships can grow out of friendship, called a storgic relationship (from the word storge, which refers to love from familiarity and similarity. The relationship puts the emphasis on friendship above everything else, including the sexual component, and the relationship is borne of a bond of understanding rather than physical attraction. It is one end of the extreme spectrum of balance between emotional and physical, placing the entire emphasis on an emotional bond.

 

The best example I can think of off hand are in home caregivers, where it's not entirely uncommon for hired caregivers to develop feelings for the people they take care of. This would generally be a storgic relationship.

 

The problem most people would encounter is the lack of passion, which really comes more from a sexual attraction and focus, and this can lead to boredom.

 

 

On the far end opposite storge, you have relationships that revolve entirely around a sexual component (such as trophy wives), where the focus is (almost) entirely on a physical bond with little to no emotional bond.

 

I figure the norm is some balance between the two extremes, so you need more than friendship, you need a physical bond as well, so you shouldn't expect a romance to develop as an extension of friendship, because there is no expectation that you fill the other criteria needed for a relationship of that sort.

 

EDIT: actually, the good people at wikipedia have a list of 6 styles. You don't neccesarily have to agree with the classifications, but it seems like a reasonable classification of how people love to me. Eros would be what I was talking about as 'normal':

• Eros – a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotype of romantic love
  
• Ludus – a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest; may have multiple partners at once
  
• Storge – an affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity (kindred to Philia)
  
• Pragma – love that is driven by the head, not the heart; undemonstrative
  
• Mania – obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive and often jealous lovers
  
• Agape – selfless altruistic love
  

Pragma was the one that really jumped out at me (as in pragmatic love). Not the one for me, but an interesting concept. And as clairifcation, you could also add Philia to the list itself, which would also be considered "true friendship". A friendship so deep that it is itself love. If that makes sense to anyone else.

[obfuscator]

Girlfriend and I decided to wait off on sex until both of us feel like we're ready. Honestly, I'm completely okay with this. It just means it'd be more special when it does happen.

 

I've been there before with my first real gf back in high school and I stand by what has been previously said here.

 

You dont know how you really feel about a girl until after you sleep with her.

 

Not that your wrong to wait but before you invest too heavily in her keep in mind that you could sleep with her and realize you may not want to commit to this girl and you were just thinking with your dick this whole time. Or you may sleep with her and want to continue. But just keep that in mind that your attitude towards that relationship can change drastically after you do have sex and that your not a bad person to feel that way.

 

Ill pass. I know how I feel. I wasnt asking for advise with that post.

 

Given that everyone is going to disagree with your sentiments I agree with you completely. I think having sex prematurely ruins far more relationships than it helps.

[Ginger_Warrior]

Although, the lack of a sex life also destroys its fair share of relationships as well. I don't emphasise its importance as much as other people in this thread, because I think it's often exaggerated, but when one person's ready for it and the other person isn't, that's an issue both of those people need to resolve.

 

It's not that abstaining from sex is bad... it isn't bad. Two people having split views on it, however, is.

[obfuscator]

Although, the lack of a sex life also destroys its fair share of relationships as well. I don't emphasise its importance as much as other people in this thread, because I think it's often exaggerated, but when one person's ready for it and the other person isn't, that's an issue both of those people need to resolve.

 

It's not that abstaining from sex is bad... it isn't bad. Two people having split views on it, however, is.

 

Definitely. But if you're both on board with waiting, I think that's often better than jumping into it prematurely.

[The_Gabe]

Touching is there but full on sex acts arent. I understand her and she said she'll tell me when she's ready. I care more about her than sex.

[muggiwhplar]

So in other words, you confirm Ginger's suspicions :P

[The_Gabe]

We've talked about everything and we know where we are in the relationship.

[RpgGamer]

Good stuff Gabe. Stick to your guns.

[obfuscator]

We've talked about everything and we know where we are in the relationship.

 

I think what Muggi/Ginger are trying to say is that that's fine, but just make sure you're actually okay with it, and not just resentfully playing along because you don't want to lose her.

[Ginger_Warrior]

It's basically saying this:

 

"I know you're looking for sex as part of a long-term relationship. Well, I'm not going to give it to you. However, I'll still stop you from getting it from someone else because you're still giving me all the things I want and that suits me just fine.

 

I'm not telling you to guilt-trip her into sex, I'm just saying that it is an issue if you're wanting it and she isn't, and it will cause resentment because of the consequent imbalance the relationship now has. Either you're giving up your desire to have sex to stay in the relationship, or she's giving up her desire not to have sex to stay in the relationship.

 

Good luck squaring that circle.

[The_Gabe]

Or wait until the time is right and ler it naturally happen instead of forcing it.

[muggiwhplar]

http://www.pua-zone.com/showthread.php?8421-Unified-Pickup-Theory

[Giordano]

How does sex "naturally happen" anyway?

 

Doesn't somebody propose sex and the other accepts or rejects? If the woman has any sense of traditionalist roles, then the man has to propose it. Meaning, he has set his goal and he is going to do what he can to achieve it. You DO something.

 

Doing it "naturally" seems to not do anything, waiting for the other to do something.

 

Someone care to enlighten me to how exactly "naturally happening" and "until we're both comfortable" means?

[nine naked men]

my unified pickup theory: don't get one, people will always want you to move their shit

 

boom no need for a zillion paragraphs

 

i'm really sad that he classifies that as the most important thing he's written in 7 years

[muggiwhplar]

So I take it you didn't read it, as always :P

[nine naked men]

i read it, it pretty much all seems like stuff you'd get from some pretty basic introspection

 

like it's nice and all but i dunno doesn't he have a shopping list or smth he might be a bit more proud of

[muggiwhplar]

yeah dude it's some pretty advanced metaphysical stuff

[nine naked men]

his shopping list?

[muggiwhplar]

yeah man

[The_Gabe]

How does sex "naturally happen" anyway?

 

Doesn't somebody propose sex and the other accepts or rejects? If the woman has any sense of traditionalist roles, then the man has to propose it. Meaning, he has set his goal and he is going to do what he can to achieve it. You DO something.

 

Doing it "naturally" seems to not do anything, waiting for the other to do something.

 

Someone care to enlighten me to how exactly "naturally happening" and "until we're both comfortable" means?

 

I won't bother clarifying. Call me a fool or whatever you will, but I know exactly what's happening for me and I wouldn't change a damn thing.

[Tim]

How does sex "naturally happen" anyway?

 

Doesn't somebody propose sex and the other accepts or rejects? If the woman has any sense of traditionalist roles, then the man has to propose it. Meaning, he has set his goal and he is going to do what he can to achieve it. You DO something.

 

Doing it "naturally" seems to not do anything, waiting for the other to do something.

 

Someone care to enlighten me to how exactly "naturally happening" and "until we're both comfortable" means?

 

Put it this way, Planning it, will make it as awkward as all hell.

 

usually, you're already making out before you have sex, then usually both partners will get that heated feeling, suggest a private location and next thing you know clothes are coming off.

 

Dear god I'm doing the bird and bees to a TIF'er...