I got me a complete transformation with the change of highschool. I used to be bullied when I was younger, now that I am investigating a thing about bullying in new school, one guy that I asked information from asked like "WTF? How is it possible, that YOU have been bullied?"

Also, people think of me in here much higher than they ever thought in my old school.

In other news, my ex died in a traffic accident. We broke up some years ago and didn't have much contact, but it was an intense relationship with a lengthy fall-out. He was a smart and good guy, even though he pushed my buttons, and he'll be sorely missed by many. Ugh. I've been wondering if I should go to the funeral and decided that while I really really don't want to go, I'll feel terribly guilty if I don't. So I'll have to toughen up and find a way to get through it without turning into a puddle of tears.

If you don't want to go in person, you can pay your respects in other ways, like a phone call to the family or a handwritten letter. I wouldn't feel guilty about not going; it's a very personal choice and I think it would be wrong of people to say that you don't care simply because you didn't go.

 

What I would say though is if the issue makes you feel emotional, perhaps going would be a good way of obtaining closure.

 

I don't mind what other people think, it's more the standards I set for myself that continually bite me in the a**. He is dead, I'm alive, the least I can do is go to the service. And as you say, it will bring me some closure. I'm living in dread of the service because of what it'll bring to the surface, but I'll be relieved when it's over, when I've done what I feel is right. And maybe I do need a good cry. I'd just rather not cry in public, but funerals with their pictures and their music and their personal testimonies are brutal every single time, even when it's people I hardly knew.

 

Thanks for your reply. I rarely share my romantic woes (if you can consider this one), so it's nice to get a reaction.

 

I've never really had a girlfriend, and I'm one of those guys that are too nice because I hate to be a douche. However, I had this new friend who we went and spent a day together. I asked her for a movie a few times but she said she couldn't or had an excuse afterwards. I wanted to see if something would change if I became assertive, figuring I had nothing to lose. This is the dialogue:

 

me: I'm going to see a flick tomorrow and you should come

her: a flick? which one?

me:Alex Cross or Taken 2

her: who is going?

me:you me and whoever else I feel like

her: kay I'll see what I'm doing

me:text me later today and tell me

her: will do

 

I thought it was rather unusual that she obeyed me that easily... I doubt anything will end up happening if we even go though.

 

Okay, maybe at the point of saying "me:you me and whoever else I feel like", you could have thrown her a bone as well... either by saying "just you and me, what do you think?" or "you me and whoever else I feel like or someone you'd like to invite".

I have to admit, although I completely agree about what you said on assertiveness and at least leaving the question on her side of the court, there's nothing in that exchange which makes me think she's interested at the moment anyway. When she asked, "Who is going?" it's implicated that she expects other people to be there.

 

I'd have to agree. In a super optimistic interpretation, you might see her question as a way to confirm if it was a date, but the fact that she didn't message later that day as she said she would, is not a good sign. Women who seem to "obey" rarely actually do. If they do, it's usually because it suits their own purposes :).

 

Food for thought: some people argue that most people define themselves by their past thoughts/words/actions. Similarly, they argue that you don't really have any obligation to keep acting "coherently" with your past. You can change at any time.

 

With that said, college is a good example of how that kind of thinking transforms people. But you don't need to go to college to achieve that kind of transformation.

 

Any kind of new surroundings can be used as a turning point. I do think you need some new environment to make the change not too awkward, though.

 

I don't think it's wise to set all one's hopes for college. First of all, it's far from the be-all and end-all. If "life" doesn't happen with college, there are still plenty of opportunities after that. Plus, radically changing yourself is hard and rarely desirable. It's more a process of growing into yourself, maybe? College is a very good start to break away from home, to start developing your adult self and to meet new people who are more likely to be suited to your personality. I found it very liberating. I didn't feel like I changed myself going to college, but rather that I could finally *be* myself.

Rewriting history doesn't change the fact that stuff happened, though, does it? Also, unless you're highly delusional, it's not possible to make yourself simply 'forget' stuff. So what you're actually doing is hiding even more of yourself away from the people you're trying to form relationships with, which is exactly the opposite of what you should be doing. I understand what you're saying, and we all keep stuff hidden from other people for very valid reasons, but I believe 'transforming' yourself involves a very loathing perspective on your history, and I don't believe that's helpful in building self-esteem, and hence, self-confidence.

 

Well it's not so much as "rewriting" history, as it is "reinterpreting" it... if that makes sense >_> Kind of a subjective reality vs. objective reality sort of thing.

 

For example, say you've had awkward experiences with girls in the past. You can either choose to allow those experiences to define who you are (ex. "Girls think I'm awkward"), or you can "re-frame" those experiences as positive things and learn from them (ex. "I'm glad I found out those girls weren't into me before I invested too much time/energy on them"; or "acting the way I did around those girls clearly didn't work. I'll be sure not to act that way again in the future").

 

Similarly, we have a tendency to view our surroundings in ways which are in-line with our beliefs. Whether we're consciously aware of it or not, we're generally seeking things in our environment which validate our existing beliefs. This can be both good and bad. In the case of guys who are socially inexperienced, they'll be predisposed to having awkward encounters w/ people just because their personal belief is "I'm an awkward person."

 

My point is, basically these guys should change their belief from "People think I'm weird" to "People think I'm awesome." They're both subjective beliefs. Their environment is kind of a double-edged sword when it comes to fostering this change: on one hand, you can generally interpret most social interactions as either positive or negative since social psychology's a very abstract thing. By changing your thinking to a more positive one, you can start interpreting most social interactions in a better way until you've finally "become" someone that people think is awesome. But on the other hand, our environment can also provide objective proof that our thoughts may be wrong. So when we're shifting our beliefs away from "People think I'm weird," if someone flat-out tells you that you're a weirdo, then you'll have a hard time making it through that until your new "People think I'm awesome" belief has finally been internalized.

 

In other words, your thoughts and your environment are kind of like Yin and Yang, and can form a vicious cycle if your beliefs and/or your environment are negative. You can break the cycle by changing your beliefs or changing your environment, but whichever one you choose will usually incite some sort of initial resistance to change from the opposite choice. Going back to what I originally said about your beliefs and your past, you can't always change your environment, however you can choose to change your beliefs at any time. That's basically what I was trying to say... in Gabe's case, he should start changing his beliefs now instead of waiting till college, even though college will probably make the transition a lot easier.

 

Hope that makes sense >_> Kind of a complicated topic that's hard for me to articulate hah

 

Reminds me of that quote, "You're not who you think you are. You're not who others think you are. You are who you think others think you are."

 

BTW, can you stop getting with girls so you can update that Jad guide? IDK what armour to wear, whether to prioritise mage defence (Gano) or ranged offence (d'hides). My Strength bonus would love you long time.

 

haha, I quit updating it because combat updates occur so frequently, and each of them could be included into the guide in one way or another. But these days getting to Jad shouldn't really be a problem at all thanks to all the new high-level gear and healing options. These days, just killing Jad's the hard part. Back when I was a noob, I just watched videos of people fighting Jad over and over, and pretended that I was fighting Jad (by trying to click the prayer button in the video before the person in the video could) until I could do that flawlessly until the video was over. That way I didn't have to risk over an hour of time and lots of money in supplies just to possibly [bleep] up within seconds of the fight.

 

If I were you, I'd do the entire caves in Gano + Polypore or storm of armadyl. Just make sure you've always got over 1000LP from brewing during the fight so you can't get KO'd in one hit, and take everything slowly, one step at a time when it comes to the healers.

I'm sorry for your loss Sumpta. I couldn't imagine what it's like to lose an ex, still in (near) constant contact or not.

Rewriting history doesn't change the fact that stuff happened, though, does it? Also, unless you're highly delusional, it's not possible to make yourself simply 'forget' stuff. So what you're actually doing is hiding even more of yourself away from the people you're trying to form relationships with, which is exactly the opposite of what you should be doing. I understand what you're saying, and we all keep stuff hidden from other people for very valid reasons, but I believe 'transforming' yourself involves a very loathing perspective on your history, and I don't believe that's helpful in building self-esteem, and hence, self-confidence.

 

Well it's not so much as "rewriting" history, as it is "reinterpreting" it... if that makes sense >_> Kind of a subjective reality vs. objective reality sort of thing.

 

For example, say you've had awkward experiences with girls in the past. You can either choose to allow those experiences to define who you are (ex. "Girls think I'm awkward"), or you can "re-frame" those experiences as positive things and learn from them (ex. "I'm glad I found out those girls weren't into me before I invested too much time/energy on them"; or "acting the way I did around those girls clearly didn't work. I'll be sure not to act that way again in the future").

 

Similarly, we have a tendency to view our surroundings in ways which are in-line with our beliefs. Whether we're consciously aware of it or not, we're generally seeking things in our environment which validate our existing beliefs. This can be both good and bad. In the case of guys who are socially inexperienced, they'll be predisposed to having awkward encounters w/ people just because their personal belief is "I'm an awkward person."

 

My point is, basically these guys should change their belief from "People think I'm weird" to "People think I'm awesome." They're both subjective beliefs. Their environment is kind of a double-edged sword when it comes to fostering this change: on one hand, you can generally interpret most social interactions as either positive or negative since social psychology's a very abstract thing. By changing your thinking to a more positive one, you can start interpreting most social interactions in a better way until you've finally "become" someone that people think is awesome. But on the other hand, our environment can also provide objective proof that our thoughts may be wrong. So when we're shifting our beliefs away from "People think I'm weird," if someone flat-out tells you that you're a weirdo, then you'll have a hard time making it through that until your new "People think I'm awesome" belief has finally been internalized.

 

In other words, your thoughts and your environment are kind of like Yin and Yang, and can form a vicious cycle if your beliefs and/or your environment are negative. You can break the cycle by changing your beliefs or changing your environment, but whichever one you choose will usually incite some sort of initial resistance to change from the opposite choice. Going back to what I originally said about your beliefs and your past, you can't always change your environment, however you can choose to change your beliefs at any time. That's basically what I was trying to say... in Gabe's case, he should start changing his beliefs now instead of waiting till college, even though college will probably make the transition a lot easier.

 

Hope that makes sense >_> Kind of a complicated topic that's hard for me to articulate hah

 

Reminds me of that quote, "You're not who you think you are. You're not who others think you are. You are who you think others think you are."

 

BTW, can you stop getting with girls so you can update that Jad guide? IDK what armour to wear, whether to prioritise mage defence (Gano) or ranged offence (d'hides). My Strength bonus would love you long time.

 

haha, I quit updating it because combat updates occur so frequently, and each of them could be included into the guide in one way or another. But these days getting to Jad shouldn't really be a problem at all thanks to all the new high-level gear and healing options. These days, just killing Jad's the hard part. Back when I was a noob, I just watched videos of people fighting Jad over and over, and pretended that I was fighting Jad (by trying to click the prayer button in the video before the person in the video could) until I could do that flawlessly until the video was over. That way I didn't have to risk over an hour of time and lots of money in supplies just to possibly [bleep] up within seconds of the fight.

 

If I were you, I'd do the entire caves in Gano + Polypore or storm of armadyl. Just make sure you've always got over 1000LP from brewing during the fight so you can't get KO'd in one hit, and take everything slowly, one step at a time when it comes to the healers.

 

I see what you're saying. I'm not socially awkward and I go out with people and do things with people all the time. I'm almost never at home now because I'm at one place or another. I get along great with nearly everyone usually. I just need an environment that allows me to meet new people and new activities. Right now and since 7th grade, I've had classes with nearly the same people because of honor/ap classes. I haven't had a good variety I just need a change.

Make or break evening tomorrow. Wish me luck, guys.

Make or break evening tomorrow. Wish me luck, guys.

Good luck Comrade.

Want to ask out a girl, but I'm afraid. Not to ask her out, I'm fine with that, but I'm afraid of the shitstorm that could occur if she says yes.

 

This girl has a bad reputation with my friends and especially my brother. She's nice and quiet and reserved now, but she used to be a bit... obnoxious. They haven't seen her in years so they don't understand this. Do I still go through with it?

Yes. If she honestly has changed, your friends may change their opinions of her. Even if not, do you think that any of them will stop being your friend if you start dating this girl?

Want to ask out a girl, but I'm afraid. Not to ask her out, I'm fine with that, but I'm afraid of the shitstorm that could occur if she says yes.

 

This girl has a bad reputation with my friends and especially my brother. She's nice and quiet and reserved now, but she used to be a bit... obnoxious. They haven't seen her in years so they don't understand this. Do I still go through with it?

I don't think your friends will really care. As long as you're not the obnoxious one, they won't even notice.

Yes. If she honestly has changed, your friends may change their opinions of her. Even if not, do you think that any of them will stop being your friend if you start dating this girl?

If they do make a fuss, I'd redefine the criteria you use for someone you'd call a 'friend'.

[bleep] me. Friday turned out neither make nor break. I got to the place earlier than I thought I would arrive and thus, when she arrived, I was wasted. And it turned out nothing but an hour of chatting in the morning when we were both ridiculously tired...

Other than that, I have a 5-hour hole in my memory of the evening...

Well, make or break next Saturday then, when it is the next party that we both attend...

You make it sound like the drunkenness just happened without your being able to control it :lol:

Well, now after chatting with fellow party-goers I can say that the hole in my memory is even longer... And yes, I wasn't actually, since I bought the drinks together with another dude and if I wanted anything at all, I had to drink with him right away :D

And turns out, I had spent more time with this girl and I had even danced with her, but I was too drunk to remember it, ergo nothing happened...

Next time, I am not gonna get drunk before she arrives :D

Well, I found out that the girl drinks underaged (we're both 16 by the way). I kind of have a problem with this because I was never involved in that sort of thing. I don't know how she'd react if we actually did start dating and I asked her to refrain from it for her own safety (she sometimes wakes up not knowing where she is).

 

She's a nice and smart person, she's in AP classes and stuff, but I think she's just involved with wrong crowd. Like a female Jesse Pinkman.

 

I don't know if I should still go through with asking her out or just save myself the trouble.

Well, I found out that the girl drinks underaged (we're both 16 by the way). I kind of have a problem with this because I was never involved in that sort of thing. I don't know how she'd react if we actually did start dating and I asked her to refrain from it for her own safety (she sometimes wakes up not knowing where she is).

 

She's a nice and smart person, she's in AP classes and stuff, but I think she's just involved with wrong crowd. Like a female Jesse Pinkman.

 

I don't know if I should still go through with asking her out or just save myself the trouble.

 

 

Everyone is going to disagree with me on this one, but don't go through with it. You can ask her not to drink, but she will still do it anyway. Trying to control/restrain your significant other just leads to frustration. It will lead you to being worried over safety (and fidelity?) issues which just really isn't worth it.

^Agreed reluctantly.

I also agree...although it is just high school so it's not that big a deal.

Yeah, I was mostly wondering whether the experience was worth it.

Well, I found out that the girl drinks underaged (we're both 16 by the way). I kind of have a problem with this because I was never involved in that sort of thing. I don't know how she'd react if we actually did start dating and I asked her to refrain from it for her own safety (she sometimes wakes up not knowing where she is).

 

She's a nice and smart person, she's in AP classes and stuff, but I think she's just involved with wrong crowd. Like a female Jesse Pinkman.

 

I don't know if I should still go through with asking her out or just save myself the trouble.

 

 

Everyone is going to disagree with me on this one, but don't go through with it. You can ask her not to drink, but she will still do it anyway. Trying to control/restrain your significant other just leads to frustration. It will lead you to being worried over safety (and fidelity?) issues which just really isn't worth it.

 

Actually I agree wholeheartedly. Don't ever tell your bf/gf (SO, whatever) what she/he can and can not do. Ground rules for three-ways are appropriate, but never limit another person you care about. If underage drinking bothers you too much - don't date her.

 

That being said, I was hardcore straightedge in highschool, and as you can plainly see in this thread and "today" I'm drunk fairly often now. People change. Including yourself. Don't write her off as a waste of time because of something you could change your own mind about. The grain of salt being that you shouldn't change your core values for the sake of a relationship, but rather for your own, broader interests.

 

@Saq:

 

One lesson learned: over-drinking can be socially problematic. Learn your cruising speed, and your "fun zone". Make sure you're not over the top to the point where you're too drunk to function. Maximize "fun zone" by maintaining cruising speed. In my case it's usually 3-4 jack & coke's and then a beer every ~25 minutes.

Thought i'd share a rather awkward story with you guys.

 

So last night me ans dome friends went out for drinks. We went to one of the places we usually go to but decided to just take it easy tonight. Forget about the girls, just have a good time with the guys. Drink a few beers, joke around, etc.

So it's the four of us. About 20 minutes after we got there one of my friends had to go for a few minutes to go pick up his girlfriend from work. So it's now the three of us. One of my buddies get's up to go to the toilet and the other one goes to the bar to get a drink. I'm left sitting at the table, just people watching. This is where the fun begins. So this girl walks over to me, sits down next to me and starts talking to me. Introduces herself as Emily. She's not my type at all. I don't want to flatter myself or anything, but i was way out of her league. Anyway, she asked me why i was alone and i explained to her that my mates were around here somewhere. Not short after she asked me if i was gay. I was like "Uhhh why?"

Well, then she told me the way i dressed and the fact that i was waiting for two guys.... Okay so because i decide to wear a decent shirt with a cardigan, decent jeans and shoes....im gay? As apposed to wearing the baggiest shirt and jeans i can find, which clearly would have made me straight? Okay....

We continue talking and after about 5 minutes she asks me "You're not from around here, are you?"

To myself i'm thinking "God are you a [bleep]ing retard?"

I have one of the thickest accents you will ever come across, and it took you five minutes to realize that? So she asked me where i was from, and i told her. She went on to ask me what i'm doing in America and i told her. She then asked my "Why America?" and i told her that they had some great Flight Schools here. She went on to tell me how much she hated America and stupidly i asked why (expecting the exact answer i got):

"Have you seen our president?"

Now i know things were about to spice up. I asked her what was wrong with him, and she could not give me a specific answer except that "Hes black, and he's muslim."

Okay, so after i told you i am from South Africa, and that i've lived in the Middle East for 6 years, she's still going to go ahead and make an ignorant statement like that?

So this is where i decided to have some fun with her, and started telling her how i'm happy he was elected because Romney looks like a wife beating, child molesting, redneck. I don't actually believe any of that, i was just trying to get a reaction out of her. She soon realised what i was trying to do and told me to go dance with her. I told her that i don't dance, but she insisted and dragged my by the arm. I resisted and told her to we can talk, but we can't dance.

I knew exactly what was going to happen when we got on the dance floor. She's going to do what every other trashy girl here does. She's going to grind her ass against my crotch making me feel so uncomfortable, then she's going to try and kiss me and there's going to be an awkward moment when i tell her to gtfo. I eventually got bored of her and told her i was going to head back to my friends. She tried giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek but i awkwardly evaded hat with a high-5.

 

Oh and i'll have you guys know that in the meantime my friends all got back and they decided to sit at a table close by and spectate. They thought it was the funniest thing ever.

 

Later that night i was at the bar getting a round of drinks for me and my friends when i made eye contact with a girl across the bar. She smiled, i smiled, etc. She waved me over there and so i did go over there. We talked for a few seconds and i told her i really need to get the drinks to my friends, but would she like to join me outside (we were sitting at in the patio area the whole night). She came with me, i gave the drinks to my friends and we started talking. Out of the corner of my eye i saw Emily looking at me and it was kinda creeping me out, so i asked the new girl (Samantha) if she wanted to go dance. We went inside and dances and lo-and-behold seconds later Emily appears on the dance floor not far from us. She came over to me and asked me: "Oh, i thought you didn't dance???"

Derp, things just got realllllly awkward.

I was getting a bit fed up of her now thought and told her: "What i meant was i didn't want to dance with you." and i kind of just boxed her out by turning my back on her after i said that. I think she got the idea because she left kind of angrily.

Me and Samantha danced for a few songs, went outside again and kept on talking. One of Emily's friends comes over and tells me "You really upset Emily, why did you have to be such a dick?"

I told Samantha that i was going to call it a night, because things are getting a bit too ridiculous a bit too fast, but i have a ton of beer at my house she's welcome to join me for a drink and a movie or something. She told me that it sounded like fun.

I explained to her everything that happened with Emily and she thought it was rather funny. Of course i find myself a decent story teller as i made it a lot funnier than it actually was. We went to my house, had a few more drinks while watching Halloween (apparently she had never seen the Rob Zombie one yet, and she was keen on watching it).

 

Totally, ridiculously random night....

 

I'm pretty sure that i might have skipped a few things and i know the dialogue isn't exact, but it's more or less what was said.

Oh and the cool thing is when Samantha left she told me "We should do this again sometime." Sounds like positive feedback :)

 

Oh and i had a date with a girl i met 3 weeks ago on Thursday. Had a few drinks after she got off from work. She works and lives close to the bar we went to so she walked there. When we left i told her i would drop her off at home since it was pretty cold outside and i didn't want her to walk. When we got to her house she asked me if i wanted coffee. Now i really, really hate coffee. I don't drink it at all unless it's from Starbucks, but thinking that maybe i'd be getting a bit more than coffee i said yeah.

I only got Coffee :(

But she did say she would really like to see me again. So that's good too :D

I wanted to scream how similar you are to Noxx and then I realized you'd changed your name. There can only be one.

God damn, after hearing more stories of that night, I managed myself mighty fine, besides not remembering a thing. Might've got to do something with me trying green for the first time aswell. But I was told that I was Old Peace himself, being chill and chatting with everyone and even apparently got into a dance or 2. And it also turned out that I was snuggling with that girl even. God, why couldn't I make it even first base?

I find the last few posts very amusing.

I really need help here.

 

I had a huge crush on this girl during my senior year of High School (last year). She was a year younger, but I could never muster the courage to approach her. Long story short, I approached her last April, we started talking, and eventually we started hooking up. We talked a lot over the summer and hooked up a lot (no sex though). I'm not one to actively chase girls. She's the only girl I've ever kissed sober. What was initially a physical attraction to her has now manifested itself into a full out obsession over everything about her. I love everything about her, even her flaws and imperfections (and oh man there are many).

 

I've told her on several occasions how much I like her, how much she means to me, and how I want a relationship. She explained to me that her last relationship didn't end well and she was devastated after the break-up. Ever since losing her first love, she has become anti-relationship and against commitments. So, all she really wants is to be "special friends."

 

Although I want a relationship and she doesn't, I agreed to this "special" friends thing because I couldn't bear the thought of losing her. I've tried letting her go, because I know what we're doing now isn't for me as it really hurts to not be in a relationship with her. To be honest, I haven't been happy about us ever since we first hooked up. I feel left out and unwanted by her even though she continues to remind me that she doesn't want to lose me and how I'm such a great guy. When I see her, I'm ecstatic, but the next day I'll feel terrible because I'm reminded that she's not mine. I spent most of the summer really depressed because of this, even though I was seeing her almost every week. I can't get my mind off her, I think about her everyday. She knows this too!

 

What do I do? I don't know if I'm obsessed with her because I've been "rejected: or if I actually love her. I've tried letting go but I always find myself texting her again and seeing her. Will she ever want a relationship with me? If we were in a relationship, I'd be prepared to lose my virginity to her. I've pushed sex away because I'm scared of the emotions it comes with. I'm already an emotional mess as it is.