Today...

[Riku3220]

My nephew was born today.

[Hedgehog]

 

 

Today I am going to get drunk again. Happy unemployment.

I don't understand purposely inducing detachment from reality, especially if you're using it to self medicate some issue in your life (note: I don't mean you are depressed or upset, by any means, and using alcohol as a coping mechanism [i.e., due to unemployment]; I just want to provide an anecdote).

 

Every moment I later reflect on seems no more real than a fictional story penned by some author, or watching a movie, or so on. The present seems real enough, but so do my dreams, especially the ones I wake up from, get out of bed, have breakfast or use the bathroom or check the news--and then I wake up, frustrated, thinking didn't I already do this? So I get out of bed, have breakfast or use the bathroom or check the news, and then I wake up... When do I know I'm not dreaming? How do I know my current wakeful period is simply a longer dream than the others?

 

Since I can't ever be sure, so I must continue as if I am awake. So I see it's nearly 5:00 pm--I was in bed for upwards of 12 hours, some of it asleep, the rest confused and thinking and waking. That's nice, considering I only had 2 hours of sleep, at best, for nearly a 24 hour period prior (which is also nice, because at least I had managed to fall asleep, rather than start falling apart after being awake over 50 hours). There's not enough time to put together a dinner, but there's too much time to idle at work before I clock in. Oh well.

 

So I have a quick dinner, get ready and walk to work. On the 20 minute walk, I listen to at most a few songs over and over; today was Detroit Social Club, and try to focus on the song instead of thinking. Thinking often leads to a reflection of my state of mind; a sense of unknowing and distrust for my own experiences. I'm somewhat successful, I guess, while I listen to "Sunshine People," and then "Rivers and Rainbows," and then "Kiss the Sun", and then repeat. I arrive at work 30 minutes early, so I grab some stuff my brother and I need at home, and then pay with my EBT card, wondering how much the benefits will decrease since my brother and I have been working for a bit now. Will our increased income not cover the decrease? Is feeling "full" after dinner more important than staying cool in 90+ degree weather and high humidity? Oh well, worries for another day.

 

After listening to "Sunshine People" and "Rivers and Rainbows" and "Kiss the Sun" about twice more, I begin work. As it happens, some one is having some breakdown at the front end, either from not taking the medication they were prescribed or abusing something that they obviously weren't. Her yelling and aggressive behavior, although not directed towards me, is discomforting... and then scary... and then, oh no, there's something following me. I know what it is, somehow--a lanky, smiling, humanlike abomination--and it's right there behind me. So not only is there that crazy women, there's crazy me. Of course, unlike the customer, I work here and have to hide my fear and paranoia. So I continue doing my job, although I'm unable to look behind me (because what if I see it with my eyes!) or back up (because I don't want to touch it). Once all the garbage is gathered, I head outside to collect carts (and to get away from that customer who is still [bleep]ing after nearly 45 minutes). It's a bit difficult to do so without backing up, but I manage it, even after the police show up to defuse the situation. Their presence doesn't help--they aren't trained to deal with someone like me, and I don't know how well I'd be able to deal with them if something happens. As well, did anyone of importance notice how I would circle around rather than back up? I hope not, because then I'd have to explain myself. Luckily, no one did.

 

The persistence of this delusion fades, and I'm able to finish my job by closing. My brother stopped by from his job and is waiting outside. We sit and talk a bit until a coworker is able to drop us off home an hour later. So I take off my uniform, have a sandwich, and then head back to my room. I essentially sit at my computer, trying to do something. A visit a few forums and sites, post a reply that will be dismissed in a discussion about climate change. An hour later, I watch an episode of a show I appreciate. Despite me enjoying the show, it's hard for me to watch it, or any show, or movie, because I don't want to do anything. Finding motivation or the will to click "Play" is pretty hard. Finding the will to diddle around in some programming language, or continue reading from where I left off a week ago, or doodling on some program or paper, or so on... those are harder.

 

The show ends. The next episode is queued on the playlist. All I would have to do is click "Play." But instead, I stare at the screen for a bit and then hit my usual internet sites. Ok, World War III hasn't started... Nothing new in the world of A Song of Ice and Fire since yesterday... And so on, until I realize I hadn't checked Off Topic in upwards of a day. I skim the posts. Oh, my brother still wouldn't be able to handle a tarantula even in an terrarium... someone is getting their annual shower... and then a post about getting drunk.

 

I took Abilify (and had tried a bunch of others under a psychiatrist's direction) and Zoloft for a few years. It seemed to work better than not taking them. Upwards of a year and a half ago, their effectiveness essentially dropped. Increases in Abilify caused me to sleep for nearly 18 hours, and be drowsy for the rest, so I returned to my regular dosage as prescribed and directed; ok, I don't sleep for as long and feel more awake, but it takes me 2 hours to fall asleep now. Zoloft is too expensive, so I stop taking that and don't notice a difference. I finally dropped Abilify on my own (not cold turkey--I'd probably be more screwed up now if I had). Good thing too, the patient assistance program is dropping the medication (nothing odd that the patent expired this year and the program was discontinued in turn, nope, perfectly coincidental).

 

So here I am, disconnected from Ye Olde Reality, not of my own doing. I'm suffering, miserable, scared, paranoid, sad, lonely... All day, every day. My doctors, therapists, and prescribed medications are at best a temporary solution to this seemingly permanent problem. I mean, my care provider doesn't think my issues affect my daily life "significantly." I suppose being a good imitator of general social interaction helps hide the issues, and mostly staying in my room hides the rest. Numbing myself in any way--alcohol or tobacco "recreational drugs"--would be yet another temporary solution. However, unlike, say, going to a therapist, they would accelerate my descent, as they do many others, both sick and otherwise healthy.

 

In the end, I'd rather be aware of my problems and not introduce any more. I wonder what it would be like, being "healthy" and otherwise functioning. I guess those who are healthy tend to take it for granted, and those who aren't value temporary relief, regardless of the aftermath, than perpetual suffering.

You might appreciate this:

 

http://edgartheschizophrenicanteater.tumblr.com/

[MuffinMaddy]

 

 

I'm in Canada and it's so hot

 

Just wait until winter.

Mid- to late-Autumn, really. Right around the end of October is when it usually starts getting ridiculous, at least in the London area.

 

 

will definitely take some getting used to, esp as a lot of the street names are exactly the same as where i live in the uk.

man, seeing 'oxford street' and it not heaving with people just felt so different!

 

Yeah, you'll see a lot of familiar names around here. We stole a majority of our naming schemes from the UK. Out of respect and love, of course.

of course. I like looking at my phone weather location, its constantly overcast. Sometimes my phone says I'm in London, other times it says arva

[unkn0wnwarrior]

 

of course. I like looking at my phone weather location, its constantly overcast. Sometimes my phone says I'm in London, other times it says arva

 

I am legitimately surprised your phone recognises the intersection that calls itself Arva. I mean, I would understand if it said Middlesex Centre, which Arva is a part of, but Arva itself?

 

No offense to anybody (however unlikely they read this) from there, it's just really small is all.

[MuffinMaddy]

 

of course. I like looking at my phone weather location, its constantly overcast. Sometimes my phone says I'm in London, other times it says arva

 

I am legitimately surprised your phone recognises the intersection that calls itself Arva. I mean, I would understand if it said Middlesex Centre, which Arva is a part of, but Arva itself?

 

No offense to anybody (however unlikely they read this) from there, it's just really small is all.

I had to wiki it. I've been so tired, went to the mall on the bus. Wtf that the way to stop a bus is pull a cord?!!! Don't have that in the UK. Bought some trainers or what Canadians call running shoes. Embarrassed myself by not reading the label on maple syrup and seeing it in a glass bottle made me think it was liquor. The shop guy couldn't stop laughing. And ffs Canadian tax. Dhjnsnsnkshjs. Had a nice subway, why the hell do Canadians not know what chicken tikka is, and why don't they have hearty Italian bread? No luck finding a phone plan today. Have to wait till Wednesday or something because Monday is a holiday and Tuesday is busy. I might go drinking tomorrow night apparently people go to the bar more than clubbing so might look at some place.... Apparently there's a mechanical bull at one of them. My boyfriend has been begging me to go on it and snapchat it to him. We're yet to figure out a Skype arrangement but we'll sort it out. My poor Chinese housemate is really jet lagged and can't deal with life atm. I'm tired as hell and it's only 9

[RpgGamer]

Veiva, what youre describing is exactly why most people drink. Or smoke. I have a friend with severe narcolepsy and a fist full of other medical issues that she's learned to "cure" with weed and liquor on top of her recommended dose of GHB. If the legal medicinal cabinet is failing you and you feel you need a solution, no matter how temporary - there's no shame in drinking or smoking a bit to get by. That being said, I think you'd feel better just by shaking things up a bit and reclaiming a sense of control over your life. But regardless of how you handle yourself, I hope the best for you. You know your body best and hopefully figure out how to function as best you can

[The Observer]

 

 

I'm in Canada and it's so hot

Just wait until winter.

 

Mid- to late-Autumn, really. Right around the end of October is when it usually starts getting ridiculous, at least in the London area.

Eh, it's mostly the winter months here. Then again I live like a couple hours from London so... 

[unkn0wnwarrior]

 

 

 

I'm in Canada and it's so hot

Just wait until winter.

 

Mid- to late-Autumn, really. Right around the end of October is when it usually starts getting ridiculous, at least in the London area.

Eh, it's mostly the winter months here. Then again I live like a couple hours from London so... 

 

It's mostly the winter months, sure, but the first true cold usually happens late October, sometimes early November. It just doesn't always stay that cold. But a couple hours away is quite a distance, so it could very well be considerably different for you.

 

 

 

I had to wiki it.

 

I've lived in or near London for almost 27 years and had to look it up a few years ago when I found out London's ex-mayor was from there.

[Solemn]

Got wasted at a bar with a bud of mine. We sat, drank, and discussed many things, but most importantly JJBA.

[Tim]

I've had a wonderful time in Rome. I believe it's time I show my face on the forums anyway so here are a few photos we took on the visit. Understandably, I am the male in the photographs.

 

swoon.

 

 

Last few weeks: Friend tried to commit suicide, my mental health is fading fast living in this horrible asylum apartment, works been stressful due to understaffed + doing manager jobs because 2 of them are useless, I've started smoking again due to said stress, I'm broke because no one's buying my [bleep]ing car - thus preventing me from moving and on friday my barber basically mutilated my hair.

 

Choice [bleep]ing past few weeks. 

[Bonez899]

Out on a nice motorcycle trip today. Riding the Cabot trail in Cape Breton. Beautiful scenery, great roads, only issue is that it is rolling mountains up and down which ruins the corners due to the gradient. Regardless entirely beautiful.

[unkn0wnwarrior]

So my older sister and I walked to the grocery store, but not the close one that would have been a 1hr round trip. We walked to the one that is a little under an hour 1-way. During that walk, though, she told me she bought tickets to the Maple Leafs rookie tournament in London next weekend. It should be fun, unlike the walk.

[RpgGamer]

My coworker is sorta bi-lingual. Like native Spanish tongue and a fair grasp on English, but clearly prefers to speak Spanish. Today he said he hated his job so that we could all understand him. He's been so sad lately

[MuffinMaddy]

My goodness alcohol is so hard to find....

 

But I managed to find an LCBO and buy some vodka, sort out my phone so now I have a Canadian number. Got hit on purely due to my accent, cause lets face it, a sweaty lost girl in Canadian heat isn't the most attractive thing to see. We had a lot of hiccups in our conversation because he used words like "condo" which I honestly didn't know what he meant by that, and "pound" for the hash sign... 

I was just lost in a lost of conversation but I sorted it out. 

 

Got lost downtown for a couple of hours, so was late to dinner but the caterers were awesome and gave me some leftovers which was super kind. The bus stopping system's a bit strange to me too. you have to pull a cord then grab the doors so that they open.

 

I then had to walk about 35 minutes home, had a great shower and got ready to start drinking. Went to the drinks on the floor above me and it was like 40 exchange students playing beer pong and drinking and socialising. I was really surprised that everyone was up for drinking! But it was great, got to meet new people and then we went to a bar.

Took 45 minutes to walk down there but we managed it lol. I had a great time but I conked out at the bar and some dude started talking to me about my braids and I was like yeah I need to go home so got a taxi back to my place costing $8.75 which is pretty normal. He did only give me $1 change for the $10 I gave him but I was too drunk to bother saying anything.

 

Really bonded with my housemates, we're all drunks it's amazing. It was actually such a good night. we sat on the grass for a while and chatted for ages, and met a singaporean guy whose birthday it was. I don't expect to get drunk all year but I really look forward to more social events with other people now.

 

I had left my key in my room deliberately because I feared my level of intoxication would result in me losing my key, but the flat was locked so I had to wait for my housemates but they didn't take long to get back so that was good. We had an argument over the taste of ketchup before I called it a day and conked out in my bed.

 

So, first drunk night out in Canada - a solid 8/10

Nothing bad happened, positive vibes, no complaints other than the difficulty of finding alcohol.

 

The niceness of canadians is making me go a bit crazy, everyone is soooo nice. Someone added me on fb like yesterday after talking to him for like 5 minutes and now he's like 'oh I see you do science, i do science, i could help you' and i'm like ahh why is everybody sooo nice! I got lost the other day in one of the buildings and a girl literally jumped at the opportunity to walk me to where i needed to be. its lovely but its so overwhelming because i come from a place where no one gives a crap (or we're too reserved) to even ask if someone needs help or anything

[RpgGamer]

You tipped a cab driver 25 cents? Lol

[Bonez899]

Yeah, actually most people would have just given him the 10 and left. Different tipping cultures I guess.

[Alg]

It begins again.

[MuffinMaddy]

Well, we simply tip when something's been amazing.

 

Honestly we pay the price and that's it. I didn't realise I was supposed to tip, I don't really care but I can't exactly go straight into a culture of never tipping anyone into remembering to give people more money than the service they gave me. In future I'll push myself to remember more to tip just because it's part of the culture but I'm not doing that in the UK lol.

 

Excuse me for never being made to tip if I didn't want to in the UK 

[The Observer]

Cab prices are ridiculously expensive here, so I rarely tip unless it rounds to a better number.

 

I tip whenever I can in restaurants though.

[Bonez899]

Well, we simply tip when something's been amazing.

 

Honestly we pay the price and that's it. I didn't realise I was supposed to tip, I don't really care but I can't exactly go straight into a culture of never tipping anyone into remembering to give people more money than the service they gave me. In future I'll push myself to remember more to tip just because it's part of the culture but I'm not doing that in the UK lol.

 

Excuse me for never being made to tip if I didn't want to in the UK

Not meaning to offend by the comment I had made.

 

I understand what you are used to especially with the explanation provided. I just find that growing up here I tend to tip in such a way (bill is 8.75 so hand a 10 and walk away). At the same time it isn't required except at restruants where it is expected and some people will be really rude If you don't.

[Alg]

I was trolling btw don't let the tip talk begin because of me :lol:

[Boris5000]

I only tip when I am in the countryside and have had a few too many to drink. Generally speaking when I am with a group of friends we pitch in to tip the damn cow.

[MuffinMaddy]

 

Well, we simply tip when something's been amazing.

Honestly we pay the price and that's it. I didn't realise I was supposed to tip, I don't really care but I can't exactly go straight into a culture of never tipping anyone into remembering to give people more money than the service they gave me. In future I'll push myself to remember more to tip just because it's part of the culture but I'm not doing that in the UK lol.

Excuse me for never being made to tip if I didn't want to in the UK

Not meaning to offend by the comment I had made.

I understand what you are used to especially with the explanation provided. I just find that growing up here I tend to tip in such a way (bill is 8.75 so hand a 10 and walk away). At the same time it isn't required except at restruants where it is expected and some people will be really rude If you don't.

idk it's just different. In Europe a tip is nice but you've got to be special. I don't really see how it's unusual to you guys when a lot of the world handles customer service in a different way. And I'm not tight, I've said keep the change plenty of times. It's just I'm not used to a culture where it's demanded of you to give more than you're being charged. Like hey this is $9, oops forgot to say you've gotta pay the tax on top AND tip me. You have to understand why that's outrageous to people who are unaware of how things run in this country. My house has a person from Hungary a guy from Singapore and a Dutch girl and we all laughed at the tipping culture this evening.

[Major Dash]

Isn't eating out at restaurants in Europe generally more expensive though?

[Ammako]

I don't like colds.