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jaklumen

All jokes and such here please!

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To reduce clutter on the board, please post your jokes here. Please remember that all the forum rules still apply, so nothing vulgar, racist, sexist, etc. Jokes here are meant to be fun and amusing, not offensive.

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hehe i have a few funny 8) :

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How does an elephant get down from a tree?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He climbs onto a leaf and waits for autumm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How can you tell if an elephant has been in the fridge?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because there are footprints in butter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What has everyone seen but will never see again?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three man were under one umbrella but none of them got wet.How did they do it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It wasnt raining.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At this moment everyone in the world is doing the same thing.What is it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone is getting older.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Docto,doctor, i fell like an apple.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sit down,Mr. Smith i wont ate you.

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A Blonde, A Smart Blonde and Santa Claus, all jump off a roof, which one hits the floor first??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Blonde becuase the other two dont exist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you do if a Blonde throws a grenade at you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pull the pin out and throw it back.


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Thanks To: Everyone for the siggies, especially Kal for the Pixel.

Currently Playing: FIFA 07, NFS: Carbon, Morrowind and Dungeon Siege II.

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Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a

 

 

 

conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets

 

 

 

and

 

 

 

watched as the three engineers bought only a single ticket. "How are

 

 

 

three

 

 

 

people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch

 

 

 

and

 

 

 

you'll see," answered an engineer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective

 

 

 

seats,

 

 

 

but

 

 

 

all three engineers crammed into a restroom and closed the door behind

 

 

 

them.

 

 

 

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting

 

 

 

tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please."

 

 

 

The

 

 

 

door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in

 

 

 

hand.

 

 

 

The

 

 

 

conductor took it and moved on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So

 

 

 

after

 

 

 

the

 

 

 

conference, the accountants decided to copy the engineers on the return

 

 

 

trip

 

 

 

and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they

 

 

 

got

 

 

 

to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To

 

 

 

their

 

 

 

astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you

 

 

 

going

 

 

 

to travel without a ticket?" said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and

 

 

 

you'll see," answered an engineer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a

 

 

 

restroom

 

 

 

and the three engineers crammed into another nearby. The train

 

 

 

departed.

 

 

 

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked

 

 

 

over to

 

 

 

the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door

 

 

 

and

 

 

 

said, "Ticket, please."

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Sorry for double posting, but that last one doesn't need to be any longer

 

 

 

There was a boy sitting in the school bus singing "My daddy is daddy cow, mym mommy is a mommy cow" ect ect. He kept doing and finaly the bus driver stopped and sayed "If you dad is constipated and your mommy is a [developmentally delayed], what does that make you??" The kid smiled and sayed "A Bus driver Sir!"

 

 

 

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

 

 

 

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

 

 

 

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

 

 

 

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars..."

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there was to cows sitting in a tree steaking waffles, then another horse came and he hadnt seen a airplane to.


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R.I.P. Shiva and Steve

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there was to cows sitting in a tree steaking waffles, then another horse came and he hadnt seen a airplane to.

 

 

 

:?

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Lol the 3 engineers and 3 accountants one was really good

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here are some of mine:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-"Mom, mom! why is the bride dressed in whie?"

 

 

 

"Its because its the happiest day of her life."

 

 

 

"Oh... now I know why the groom is dressed in black."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-"Mom, mom! why is daddy running in zig-zag?"

 

 

 

"Shut up and pass me more bullets"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-"Mom, mom! why is it that you are white, my dad is black, and I am yellow?"

 

 

 

"Oh, son, if you wouldve of known what happened that night, you should be happy you dont bark"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-Why is the tower of Pisa inclined?"

 

 

 

Because it has better reflexes than the twin towers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-One day some dude accompanied by a hot chick enters a very luxurious restaurant

 

 

 

"What will you drink sir?"

 

 

 

"I will have a champagne Juve and Camps family reserve"

 

 

 

"Excelent Decision sir, and.. your wife?"

 

 

 

"Send her a fax saying we're having a blast here."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-"Mom when will I have my chest as big as yours?"

 

 

 

"In a couple years..."

 

 

 

"Oh, great.. I needed them for this saturday."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-"Hey, Bob! what do you have on the box?"

 

 

 

"A dvd player i just bought?"

 

 

 

"A dvd wut? but wat da hell did you do to buy it?"

 

 

 

"I sold the TV"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-A certain person just got employed by a very important company.

 

 

 

He walks in the first day of work and finds one of his superiors with a load of papers in front of the paper shredder looking confused.

 

 

 

He approaches the superior and asks him

 

 

 

"Could I be of service?"

 

 

 

"Oh, yes please, this new technology stuff is far too complicated for me.."

 

 

 

The employee then grabs the load of papers and puts them in the shredder

 

 

 

"There you go sir"

 

 

 

"Oh, great, thanks, but where do the copies come from?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8)

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there was to cows sitting in a tree steaking waffles, then another horse came and he hadnt seen a airplane to.

 

 

 

:?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thats the point, theres no point.


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R.I.P. Shiva and Steve

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there was to cows sitting in a tree steaking waffles, then another horse came and he hadnt seen a airplane to.

 

 

 

:?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thats the point, theres no point.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jokes are meant to be funny...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

;)

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there was to cows sitting in a tree steaking waffles, then another horse came and he hadnt seen a airplane to.

 

 

 

:?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thats the point, theres no point.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jokes are meant to be funny...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

;)

 

 

 

that made me rofl

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Knock knock

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who's there??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Interrupting cow

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Interrupting co-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MOOOOOOO!!!!!!!


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Ouch. I just learned something: Don't fall out of your chair laughing. Right under that joke was his sig :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

More from Stronghold Knights

 

 

 

"Oh no, not tinned food today again", the bear thought when he saw a swordsman...

 

 

 

Irish humor ........ some old classics to enjoy again .

 

 

 

=============================

 

 

 

"I've Lost Me Luggage"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

 

 

 

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

 

 

 

"How'd that happen?"

 

 

 

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

 

 

 

*****************************************************

 

 

 

"Water to Wine"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

 

 

 

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

 

 

 

"Just water," says the priest.

 

 

 

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

 

 

 

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

 

 

***********************************************

 

 

 

"The Brothel"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

 

 

 

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

 

 

 

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

 

 

 

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

 

 

 

*************************************

 

 

 

Irish Cemetery

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..

 

 

 

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

 

 

 

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!

 

 

 

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 !"

 

 

 

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

 

 

 

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,

 

 

 

"Miles, from Dublin."

 

 

 

***************************************************

 

 

 

Irish Predicament

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

tired and emotional Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

 

 

 

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.

 

 

 

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

 

 

 

The tired and emotional mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

 

 

 

***************************************************

 

 

 

Irish Last Request

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

 

 

 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

 

 

 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

 

 

 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

 

 

 

She says, "That he did, Father..."

 

 

 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

 

 

 

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'"

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What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Ell-iph-I-no"


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Speical Report From Channel 4 News

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"The United States has sent a probe to Ur anus


"The cry of the poor is not always just, but if you never hear it you'll never know what justice is."

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Heres a joke:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Theres a chicken and an egg laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette. The egg looks over to the chicken and says, "Well looks like we answered that question."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:lol:


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Everybody lovin' it, but ain't no body touchin' it

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ok, this one one of my friends on RS told me, but i dont remember which.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Ur friend will bail u out of jail, but ur best friend will be sitting next 2 u saying 'that was awesome!'"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

heres some ther ones i have:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

>How do you keep an idiot busy? Give them a card that says turn card over on both sides.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

>A duck walks into a bar, what does he say? "Ouch!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

>This one isn't so much a joke as it is a prank:

 

 

 

Materials needed: hankerchief or Kleenax, squirt bottle full of water, a victim (if the victim is a klepto, its even funnier)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Step 1. Talk with your victim.

 

 

 

Step 2. Raise the Kleenax up to your nose with the squirt bottle behind it.

 

 

 

Step 3. Pretend to sneeze, and as you say "ACHOO!" squirt the person from behind the Kleenax, causing them to believe you sneezed on them.

 

 

 

Step 4. Watch the reaction and laugh your head off!

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Heres a joke:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Theres a chicken and an egg laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette. The egg looks over to the chicken and says, "Well looks like we answered that question."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:lol:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That one took me an inordinate amount of time to "get". I mean I got the which came first, but I didn't GET it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Question: Are jokes with racial stereotypes allowed? I'm not putting one unless a mod says its OK, too bad it's funny.


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Question: Are jokes with racial stereotypes allowed? I'm not putting one unless a mod says its OK, too bad it's funny.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It may be funny to you, but someone else may take offense to it. The answer is no.


The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

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Guest AshKaYu

A brunette, redhead and a blonde were sitting around a magic mirror, that if you say the truth, you are rewarded, but if you lie, you are sucked inside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The brunette said 'I think I'm the prettiest girl ever' and got sucked in

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The redhead said 'I think I'm the smartest girl ever' and got sucked in

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The blonde said ' I think' and got sucked in.

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A Blonde, A Smart Blonde and Santa Claus, all jump off a roof, which one hits the floor first??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Blonde becuase the other two dont exist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you do if a Blonde throws a grenade at you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pull the pin out and throw it back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BE QUITE BLONDS MAY BE DUMB BUT THERE ARE HOTT!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

lol funny by the way, 1st anyway

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How do you confuse a blonde?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

put it in a circle and tell it to stand in a corner

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A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.

 

 

 

The little boy said, "Republicans."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with [bleep] Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at [bleep] and said, "Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The boy said, "Democracts"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dunno if political humour is appreciated by the kids here, at least I like it :)

 

 

 


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2017 goals: get at least 3 more master capes (start xp: invention [email protected] Jan, mining [email protected] April & ranged 76/104mil [email protected] 20th) & all skills +40mil xp (done 24th August)

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racial jokes aren't allowed but blonde jokes are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Allow for some measure of freedom of speech, but knock off this ridiculous bull picking and choosing who we can pick on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

youcan pick on:

 

 

 

blondes

 

 

 

fat people

 

 

 

mentally challenged people

 

 

 

physically incapacitated people

 

 

 

smokers

 

 

 

drinkers

 

 

 

medicinal drug users

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

you can not pick on:

 

 

 

people of other countries

 

 

 

people of other colors

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

arbitrary "bull".

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-policeman: "do you have an ID?"

 

 

 

-redneck: "bout what?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

teacher: if you could have any substance, what would it be?

 

 

 

mary: i'd want gold, so i'd be rich and i could buy a porsche.

 

 

 

teacher: very good mary, how about you, carl?

 

 

 

carl: i want platinum, because it's worth even more than gold and i could buy a lamborghini.

 

 

 

teacher: very good carl, and how about you joe?

 

 

 

joe: i want some silicone (sic). my mom has some of it and you should see all the sports cars around my house.


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