All jokes and such here please!

[sanday79]

One day, three friends all die in a car accident and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they meet St. Peter. He says "Welcome to Heaven and congratulations. You have led honorable and meaningful lives, so you're welcome to come join us. Keep in mind one thing, you can't step on a duck. Bad things will happen if you step on a duck."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The guys look at each other, confused, and say "OK. Can we come in now?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Peter swings open the gates and shows them in. Heaven is a wonderful and beautiful place, but there are ducks everywhere you look. The three guys know it's going to be hard NOT to step on a duck up here, and try to watch out as best they can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After about an hour, one of the three men steps on a duck. "Aw crap," says the guy. St. Peter appears in a puff of smoke and says "Sorry, buddy, but you stepped on a duck." He brings before him a hideous old woman, and chains him to the first man who stepped on a duck. "I hate to do this, but you know the rules" says St. Peter, and he promptly disappears.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The two remaining guys know they have to watch out to avoid a similar fate and are extra-careful from then on. A month or so later, the second gu y unfortunately steps on a duck. Again, St. Peter appears, and chains the second man to an even uglier, more irritating woman for all eternity. The last man is left alone, and he takes extra care to avoid the ducks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After several months of successful duck-evading, St. Peter appears. Without a word, he chains this man to the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. The man stands with his mouth agape and says "Gosh, what did I do to deserve such a reward?" The gorgeous woman says "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry, it's kinda long haha. Hope you enjoyed that one.

[Bobthefishy]

why do some women get plastic surgery?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So their outsides can match their insides!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FAKE!

[Guest AshKaYu]

So a guy walks into a bar with a turtle missing a leg, and eye, and it's shell is all chipped. It's pretty bloody too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He walks up to the bartender and says, "Hey, I bet 300$ my turtle can beat your bloodhound"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The bartender agrees, and they agree on a 50 foot race, one end of the bar to the other. So then, after the bartender says, "On your mark, get set, GO!" the guy throws the turtle =D

[Guest AshKaYu]

 

Lol the 3 engineers and 3 accountants one was really good

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here are some of mine:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-Why is the tower of Pisa inclined?"

 

 

 

Because it has better reflexes than the twin towers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thats not funny... i knew someone in the twin towers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How is that offensive in the slightest bit?

[anonymous1234]

Ok i got a couple:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1) What is green, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell on you out of a

 

 

 

tree?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Pool Table

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2) Theres two muffins in an oven. One muffin says, "Oh boy, is it hot in

 

 

 

here or what?" The other muffin says, "Holy Crap! A talking muffin!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I thought they were pretty funny...

 

 

 

I hope you think so too...

 

 

 

u got that from Two And A Half Men right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ok i got a few jokes joke hope no1 said them:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1) there was a brunnete jumping rope on railroad tracks saying "21" "21 "21". a blond comes up to her and says "can i join u?". the brunette is fine with it and the start jump roping saying "21 21 21". then a train comes and brunette gets off the track. the blond doesn't though, and gets killed. after the train passes the brunette gets on the tracks and starts jump-roping and says "22 22 22"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2) 3 guys get stranded on an island with cannibals. the cannibals say "we will eat you unless u go gather 10 of the same fruit and come back to do our challenge. the guys want to live so the first comes back with apples. the cannibals tell him he was to put them up his rear end without showing any emotion. the guy gets up to 5 and starts crying and he gets eaten. the 2nd guy comes back with 10 cherries and the cannibals tell him to do the same thing. he gets to the 9th cherry, then starts laughing hysterically. In heaven, the 1st and 2nd guys talk. the first asks "you were so close to not dying why did u laugh?". the 2nd guy said "i saw the 3rd guy coming back with pineapples" :lol: .

[wrincewind]

how many pigmys does it take to change a light bulb?

 

 

 

at least three.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

how many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"how many can you afford?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

how many impressionallists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

 

 

2. one to hold the purple girrafe, and one to fill the bathtup with brightly coloured machine tools.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

how many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

 

 

only 2. the trick is gettin them in there!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

how many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb?

 

 

 

only one, but it takes a crapload of bulbs!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

how many marines does it take to change a light bulb?

 

 

 

51. one to change it, and 50 to gaurd the intelectual. Oh, and several tanks, and $50m in loose change, to build a bunker.

[Fortress2000]

Q. What happened to the paper-boy?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A. He blew away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ah-ha-ha-ha!!! That was so funny, I crack myself up! :lol: Ah-heh... :-s

[fat_hobbit22]

Q. What happened to the paper-boy?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A. He blew away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ah-ha-ha-ha!!! That was so funny, I crack myself up! :lol: Ah-heh... :-s

 

 

 

or not =;

[lya_helix]

knock knock

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

whos there?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

lettuce

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

lettuce who?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

lettuce in its cold out here!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

______________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

knock knock

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

whos there?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

arfur

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

arfur who?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...arfurgot

[TheChamp]

Q: What did batman say to robin to get him in the car?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A: Get in the car.

[Captainkidd]

1) Two guy walk into a bar

 

 

 

ouch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2) Two guys walk into a bar you think the second one would of seen it.

[anonymous1234]

Q: a cat walks into a barborshop. what does the cat say?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A: nothing you moron it's a cat

[n4h]

Once a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doctor: What was your dream about?

 

 

 

Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?

 

 

 

Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doctor: Then what happened?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?

 

 

 

Blonde: Yes it did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?

 

 

 

Blonde: It said "Pull"

[Mpatrie]

a dog walks into a corner store with a note in it's mouth and a container around its neck. the owner sees the dog wlk up tio the counter with the note, and taks it out of the doogs mouth. the note says, "one dozen eggs and 1 litre of milk, please." the owner gets the stuff, and says tio the dog, "that'll be $4.50". the dog points its nose at the container, and the owner reached in and pulled out a five dollar bill.then he put the stuff in the container and walked away. it was almost closing time, so the owner decided to follow the dog. he saw it get on a bus, ride it for seven stops and rin the bell to get off. the owner got off oo, and followed the dog two blocks away. then the dog started throwing itself at the door. after it did it three times, the door opened and the dogs master started yelling at the dog. the store owner knocks on the oor, and when answered said, "why are you yelling at the dog? it's brilliant!"

 

 

 

"Brilliant, my [wagon]." said the dogs master. "this is the fourth time this week he forgot his keys!"

[SuziAngel]

Gertrude started her new job in the toy factory, making Tickle-me Elmo's. The manager explained what he wanted her to do and left her to it. Soon after, the supervisor was in the managers office complaining about Gertrudes work. The manager was shocked to be receiving complaints about her already, so went to see for himself what the problem was. He looked at Gertrude surrounded by hundreds of small balls of bright pink material, then at some of the finished Tickle-me Elmo's and he smiled.

 

 

 

"Gertrude, what I actually asked you to do was to give Elmo two test tickles!!!"

[menot]

you know milk floats?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

no it doesnt!

 

 

 

-----------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

what do you call a deer with no eyes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

no idea

 

 

 

----------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

still no idea.

[SuziAngel]

What do frogs wear at the beach?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Open-toad sandals

[Blaze The Movie Fan]

you know milk floats?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

no it doesnt!

 

 

 

-----------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

what do you call a deer with no eyes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

no idea

 

 

 

----------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

still no idea.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm laughing right now :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But not because of this. :roll:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously I was laughing of something else, I can't see the funny part of these jokes. Maybe like some people say I have lack sense of humour. :-k

[Ragen]

Maybe like some people say I have lack sense of humour. :-k

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:D I'd never say that about you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a pizza. He eats his pizza then pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead as he comes over with the bill. Calm as, he stands up and goes to walk out of the resaurant. A sheepish looking manager pokes his head and of his office and yelps "You crazy monster! You just killed my waiter! You can't just do something like that and not pay for the pizza!"

 

 

 

The panda gives him one stern look and says, "I'm a panda, look me up in a dictionary" and walks out the door. The manager goes back into his office and opens up his dictionary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Panda - Pan-da:

 

 

 

Large black and white mammal. Eats shoots and leaves.

[sour_tacos]

A Blonde, A Smart Blonde and Santa Claus, all jump off a roof, which one hits the floor first??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Blonde becuase the other two dont exist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you do if a Blonde throws a grenade at you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pull the pin out and throw it back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gon and Gary, nice jokes, but I must say- You are quite a dent in my "Anti-Use-Of-The-Word-Nood-Campaign." Quite a few people are angry at you. Just check the rant board. Oh yeah, for a joke:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two snails walk into an ice cream parlor. Once they have ordered their milkshakes, one notices that it has began to rain. The one snail speaks. "I'll go get the umbrellas from the car. Don't touch my milkshake, okay?" The other snail agrees. The snail left in the parlor waits.... and waits... and waits...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three years have passed, and the other snail has been long gone. The snail who has been waiting smiles to himself. "He's been gone forever, I might as well just drink his milkshake now, instead of die waiting."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As the snail climbs up to the straw to take a sip, he hears a small shout from the door. "Hey, touch that milkshake and I won't go get the umbrellas!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#-o Yeah, sorry, that one kinda stunk. But my brain is at a lose for better jokes. GoneandGary... tsk tsk tsk....

[ctp080188]

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because it was dead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lol, I'm sorry I just had to post. My 4 year old cousin told me that. God knows what goes on in his head.

[pansynator]

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because it was dead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lol, I'm sorry I just had to post. My 4 year old cousin told me that. God knows what goes on in his head.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You...Idiot...

[ctim]

Now for todays stock market report:

 

 

 

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

 

 

 

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.

 

 

 

Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.

 

 

 

Hiking equipment was trailing.

 

 

 

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

 

 

 

Weights were up in heavy trading.

 

 

 

Light switches were off.

 

 

 

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.

 

 

 

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

 

 

 

The market for raisins dried up.

 

 

 

Coca Cola fizzled.

 

 

 

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

 

 

 

Sun peaked at midday.

 

 

 

Balloon prices were inflated.

 

 

 

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

 

 

 

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:lol: :roll:

[Bludragon124]

This is the story of the Pink House.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One day, three roommates were looking for a new place. They saw an advertisement in the paper for a house, which was incredibly cheap. They then went down there, each by himself. The first guy, Tim, came to the house, and there was a note that said "come on in!". So, he went in, and he saw the house. EVERYTHING was pink. pink walls, pink floors, pink chairs, pink table, pink light bulbs, pink carpet... Everything was pink. He decided that he was kind of hungry, and he was not the brightest guy in the world, so he walked over to the pantry, and helped himself to a bowl of Pink Cheerios. He grabbed a pink bowl from a pink pantry and got a pink spoon from the pink drawer. He then walked over to the pink refrigerator and got some pink milk, and poured it in. He then ate his cereal, and it tasted normal. All that made him thirsty, so he went to the upstairs bathroom, and got a glass of water. After drinking it, he immediately fell down dead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The second person, Rob, decided he would check this house out. He went over there, and the roof was pink, the walls were pink, the windows were, the blinds were pink... and he saw the note, and entered the house. He then started feeling hungry, so he walked over to the pink kitchen, and everything there was pink. The walls, the wallpaper, the pantry, the fridge, the drawers... everything. He walked over to the pantry, and helped himself to a bowl of Pink Cheerios. He grabbed a pink bowl from a pink pantry and got a pink spoon from the pink drawer. He then walked over to the pink refrigerator and got some pink milk, and poured it in. He then was thirsty, so he got a pink glass and went to the pink bathroom sink in the middle floor, filled it with water, drank it, and fell down dead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The third guy, Tom, went to check out this pink house. He went there, and he entered the house. He then was pretty hungry, so he went over to the pink pantry, got a pink box of frosted mini wheats, went to the pink fridge to get some pink milk, got a pink bowl from the pink cabinet, got a pink spoon from the pink silverware drawer, sat down at the pink table in a pink chair, turned on the pink light, sat idown and enjoyed his miniwheats. He then got a drink of water from the pink sink in a pink glass, and immediately fell down dead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What's the moral of the story?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cheerios are preferred two to one over Frosted Mini Wheats.

[lya_helix]

breaking news! the U.S.A. space comity has just sent a probe to ur anus!