All jokes and such here please!

[malo2]

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.

 

The little boy said, "Republicans."

 

 

 

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!"

 

 

 

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with * Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at * and said, "Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"

 

 

 

The boy said, "Democracts"

 

 

 

Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"

 

 

 

The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."

 

 

 

Dunno if political humour is appreciated by the kids here, at least I like it :)

 

 

mid if I edit it to be less biased and more realistic.

 

 

 

a pope is on his morning jog and sees a kid with a box of puppies. He asks: "what kind of puppies are they?"

 

""

 

"thata boy" the pope says

 

 

 

two weeks later the pope comes by again and asks:

 

"how are the puppies doing?"

 

"they turned athiest" says the kid.

 

"what happened? werent they ?"

 

the kid says "well theyve opened their eyes."

[SnWRifleman]

yo mommas so stupid we told her to look at the calendar and find Frebuary 29 and she was there forever.

 

 

 

 

 

punchline:that was the same calendar

[Ragen]

There was a magical tractor. It was going along when it turned into a field.

[micky4444]

yo mommas so fat her blood types Ragu

[nashy19]

yo mommas so fat her blood types Ragu

 

 

 

 

 

is that soposed to be funny???

 

 

 

if people like that i will :wall: #-o :wall:

 

 

 

:evil:

[Darkluniux]

OH, beatifull and great TIP.It, I ever enjoined be in this great community,

 

 

 

In tip.it, you post jokes... BUT...

 

 

 

In soviet Russia, Joke Posts YOU!!!

 

 

 

Alttrought, lets talk about my country... Well, i'm not from russia, i'm from venezuela...

 

 

 

Time ago, the pope visited us, so he was in a nice white limusine with his own driver, because, he is the pope! But the pope was too bored, so he talked to the driver to change their seat because the pope wants to drive, ok, the driver lets the pope drive the car and the driver went to the passenger's seat. Then, the pope is too old, so he broke many traffic rules, he doesnt stopped were the stop signal appears or the red light, etc...

 

 

 

Then a policeman stoped him, the pope open the door and then the policeman saw his face! The he talked to the HQ:

 

 

 

Police:HQ, there is a very important man...

 

HQ: Well, you know what you doing 'Zig'

 

Police: What !

 

HQ: Take off every 'Zig'

 

Police: Captain !

 

HQ: For great justice!

 

Police:This isent a joke!this is a really important man, not a zero wing scene.

 

HQ: LOL ok, well, he must pay the bill!

 

Police: But...He looks like a very important ppl, he can make many things..i'm scared...

 

HQ:WHAT??? WHo is he?

 

Police: I dont know, but i think he is very important and my autority isent sufficient to make him pay...

 

HQ:SO YOU DONT KNOW WHO IS HE BUT YOU ARE SCARED!??!?!?!?!

 

Police:Believe me, he can make all...If he pay me, maybe i got fired or idk..

 

HQ: well, is he Artist?

 

Police:Nah...

 

HQ: Is he a very powerfull Gangster or a crime lord?

 

Police: No, he is more powerfull than that!

 

HQ: IS A TERRORIST LEADER!

 

Police: Of course no!

 

Hq: Well, if he is very important he must be a politician...

 

Police: Nah... He looks more powerfull.

 

HQ: Is he Chavez?

 

Police: HAHAHAH! no.

 

HQ: Ok, is he Bush?

 

Police:Nah, bush and chavez together are nothing, this one looks holy!

 

HQ: WHAT YOU SAY! !

 

Police: ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!

 

HQ: well, if this is a holy looking guy who is he then and why he is very important?

 

Police:IDK, but i think he is my god!

 

HQ:Why do you think he is GOD?????

 

Police: Because he has the pope as his driver!

 

 

 

LOL!

[hmmsk]

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.

 

The little boy said, "Republicans."

 

 

 

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!"

 

 

 

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with * Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at * and said, "Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"

 

 

 

The boy said, "Democracts"

 

 

 

Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"

 

 

 

The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."

 

 

 

Dunno if political humour is appreciated by the kids here, at least I like it :)

 

 

mid if I edit it to be less biased and more realistic.

 

 

 

a pope is on his morning jog and sees a kid with a box of puppies. He asks: "what kind of puppies are they?"

 

""

 

"thata boy" the pope says

 

 

 

two weeks later the pope comes by again and asks:

 

"how are the puppies doing?"

 

"they turned athiest" says the kid.

 

"what happened? werent they ?"

 

the kid says "well theyve opened their eyes."

 

 

 

To be honest, I don't think your edit made the post any less biased, OR realistic. You just have your bias and point of view so mabye it does.

[ApplePieMan]

I have a naughty one! (Mod, erase this if it's too dirty!)

 

 

 

 

 

A woman decided to go to the doctors offcie because she was having stomach discomfort. She walked in and: (Woman = w, Doctor = d)

 

 

 

d:so what is the problem?

 

w:i've been having some stomach discomfort, can you tell me waht the problem is?

 

d:yes, i will help. first though, you must go behind that screen and take off all your clothes.

 

 

 

The woman seemed skeptycal (sp?) about this, but, seeing as how he was a doctor, she listened to him.

 

 

 

w:now what?

 

d:now, come over here in front of this mirror.

 

 

 

She did.

 

 

 

d:now, stand on your head.

 

w:what does that have to do with stomach discomfort!!!??

 

d:just do it.

 

 

 

She did a perfect headstand.

 

 

 

d:spread your legs now.

 

 

 

She was completely flustered at this point, and spread her legs wide open.

 

 

 

w:now what???

 

d:hmmmm, hmmm, yes, very interesting.

 

w:what is it?

 

d:my wife was right, i do look pretty good with a gotee.

[Zigota_Lt]

[No racist jokes allowed here. Grounds for banning. - McGuff1]

[meb]

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

 

 

 

There is no such thing as evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

 

 

 

If you can't see Chuck Norris, he can see you.

 

 

 

If you can see Chuck Norris, you may be seconds away from death.

[greenslime89]

A circus juggler was pulled over for speeding and while the officer was writing out his ticket he noticed a bag of knives.

 

"You know it's an offence to carry knives as offencive weapons don't you sir?"

 

"Oh yes, but they're part of my act"

 

The officer raised his eyebrow.

 

"Act?"

 

"Oh yes, I'm a juggler for a circus"

 

"I don't believe you", said the officer. "Juggle them"

 

The Juggler did as he was told and began juggling the knives. As he was doing so, a passing motorist saw the juggler and said to his wife: "I'm glad I gave up drinking, these tests get harder every day!

[The Observer]

your so stupid you tripped over a cordless phone

 

your so fat that when you wear high heels you strike oil

[Riku3220]

a guy is at the doctors office and the doctor says you have 10

 

 

 

patient: 10 what? days? weeks? months? years?

 

doctor:9,8,7,6,5......

[godsara1]

Q.how do you confuse a blonde?

 

 

 

A. put her in a circle room and tell her to find a corner

 

 

 

Q. how does a blonde confuse you?

 

 

 

A.tells you she found a corner

 

 

 

:mrgreen:

[godsara1]

From guy whos posted on page 2 said:

 

 

 

 

 

How do you confuse a blonde?

 

 

 

 

 

put it in a circle and tell it to stand in a corner

[Silverchipmunk]

Q:Whats the wind speed velocity of a sparrow?

 

Q:African or European

 

 

 

What? I don't kno-Aaaaaaaaaaah! :lol:

 

 

 

And btw, its actually:

 

 

 

Question Guy: What is the flight velocity of an unburdened swallow?

 

Arthur: What do you mean? African or European?

 

Question Guy: What? I don't kno-Aaaaaaaaaaah!

[halofreak989]

a boy asks his father,"dad, why is my name lily?" "because when you were born, a lily fell on your head" then his brother walks in, "dad, why is my name rose?" :because when you were born, a rose fell on top of your head" then the third son walked in and yelled "duh duh([developmentally delayed]ed)!" then everyone turns and says, "shut up, piano!"

[jaskkes]

Q. What did the Mexican say when his assignment flew out the window?

 

A. Come back essay

[mattbrandon]

A man goes to a vicar and says ' I have a problem, my wife keeps falling asleep in church'. The vicar says ' I have a solution, take this pin and if your wife falls asleep i'll nod and you poke her with it to wake her up'.

 

 

 

So the sermon starts and the mans wife promptly falls asleep. Just after the vicar says ' Who died on the cross', he nods, the man pokes his wife, she wakes up and screams JESUS.

 

 

 

Later in the sermon his wife falls asleep again, just as the vicar said 'Who created the earth?', he nods, the man pokes his wife, and upon waking she scream GOD.

 

 

 

Now the vicar was getting very overexcited with his sermon. Nodding his head frequently, so the man kept poking his wife with the pin, even though she was still awake.

 

 

 

The vicar once again accidently shakes his head and the man pokes his wife just as the vicar said ' What did Eve say to Adam when Adam asked for there 100th child?', the man poked his wife and she screamed ' If you stick the bloody thing in me one more time, ill break it in half and shove it up your asre!

\

[irulepoker]

A guy walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but Ceran Wrap. He goes to the doctor and says..

 

 

 

"Doc, what's wrong with me? I lost my wife, and my son won't let me take him to school. What's wrong?"

 

 

 

The doctor responds,

 

 

 

"Well, first of all, I can clearly see your nuts..."

 

 

 

 

 

_______________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

I went into Target yesterday to find some Camoflauge pants. I couldn't find them...

 

 

 

 

 

____________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

There were 3 guys trying to get into heaven, and only one could get in. So they had to find who died the worst death. SO the first guy starts..

 

 

 

 

 

"I had suspected my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early from work. I got home, and I heard the shower running. It was just my wife. I went all over the house, and didn't find anyone. I went outside, and I saw him hanging from the balcony. I started to jump up and down on his fingers. He didn't fall, so I went inside and grabbed a hammer and pounded his fingers. He fell, but he didn't die. So I went inside and pused a refriderator on him. I felt so bad for myself that when I went inside I shot myself."

 

 

 

Second guy goes..

 

 

 

"I was practicing my new aroboics video on the top floor of my apartment building, when I fell off the balcony. I was lucky enough to grab another balcon while I was falling. I was trying to get up, when this guy comes out and starts jumping up and down on my fingers. I didn't fall, but he goes inside and pounds my fingers. I fell, but didn't die. Then a refridgerator falls on me and that's how I died."

 

 

 

The Third guy goes.

 

 

 

"Picture this, naked, in the regridgerator."

 

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Black_Sim_X]

Father: Welcome home from school, Peter

 

 

 

Peter: Ty...

 

 

 

Father: So... What did u do at school today?

 

 

 

Peter: We learned how to make dynamite...

 

 

 

Father: And what are u gonna do at school 2morrow?`

 

 

 

Peter: Which school...?

 

 

 

 

 

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVOURITES :

[wortelhaar]

Long story, but worth it. (hey i spent my time typing it so you should at least try reading it, tyvm)

 

 

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

 

 

 

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

 

 

 

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

 

 

 

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

 

 

 

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

 

 

 

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend

 

so get yourself a dog."

 

 

 

owned

[Permissie]

Somewhere, in the past, in a now unknown country, in a now unknown place, in a now unknown building there was a mirror. But it was not just a mirror like any other mirror, no, if you told something that was untrue while facing the mirror, you would get sucked into it, and your sould would be tortured... forever.

 

 

 

One day a woman walked in. Brown hair, brown eyes, and extremely beautiful. She faced the mirror and said: "I think I am the ugliest girl in the world!" The mirror began to buzz and light was everywhere. Suddenly the woman disappeared.

 

 

 

Barely a week later, another woman walked in. Black hair, green eyes, and extremely thin. She faced the mirror and said: "I think I am the fattest girl in the world!" The mirror began to buzz and light was everywhere. Suddenly the woman disappeared.

 

 

 

The next day another woman walked in. She was blond, blue eyes, and extremely tall. She faced the mirror and said: "I think..." Before she could finish the sentence, the mirror began to buzz and light was everywhere. Suddenly the woman disappeared.

[witchking72]

Lol the 3 engineers and 3 accountants one was really good

 

 

 

Here are some of mine:

 

 

 

-Why is the tower of Pisa inclined?"

 

Because it has better reflexes than the twin towers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8)

 

 

 

thats not funny... i knew someone in the twin towers.

[Gouwenaartje]

there are three people on a fence. The first one can only say "yes", the second one only "knife and fork" and the third one can only cheer...

 

 

 

One day a police officer walks by. "Have you seen a girl, tall and blond?" "yes" Do you know where she is? "yes". Are you going to tell me? "yes". After a long silence... "Have you killed her?" "yes." "how?" "Knife and fork" "You are under arrest, you have the right to remain silence, everything you say can and will be used against you in court of law..." Then the third person begins to cheer. :P