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jaklumen

All jokes and such here please!

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four people are on an exploding aeroplane in mid-air with 3 parachutes, a doctor, a film star, a corner shop worker and a genius from lancashire

 

the flim star says "i entertain people, and am well known to millions of people, so i need a a parachute"

 

the genius says "im right proper smart me, and im the smartest guy in bury, so i need to live for the gene-pool an all that" grabs a parachute and jumps.

 

the doctor says to the corner shop worker "well mate, i guess this is goodbye"

 

then the corner shop worker pulls out a parachute and says "not for now"

 

the doctor asks him "but there were 3 parachutes? where did that one come from"

 

and the corner shop worker replys "its been here all along, that idiot took my lunch"

 

(that isnt racist, im from bury and it arent a right smart place)

 

what do you call a chav in an igloo?

 

inuinnit

 

what do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

 

sorted

 

what do you call a chav in a box?

 

innit

 

what do you call a vauxhall nova full of chavs falling of a cliff into a pit of lava?

 

a good start

 

what do you call a chav in a metalworking factory?

 

wellard

 

whats a normal chavs name?

 

johnny b. banged.

 

 

 

i dont get it.....

 

then you probably arent british


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four people are on an exploding aeroplane in mid-air with 3 parachutes, a doctor, a film star, a corner shop worker and a genius from lancashire

 

the flim star says "i entertain people, and am well known to millions of people, so i need a a parachute"

 

the genius says "im right proper smart me, and im the smartest guy in bury, so i need to live for the gene-pool an all that" grabs a parachute and jumps.

 

the doctor says to the corner shop worker "well mate, i guess this is goodbye"

 

then the corner shop worker pulls out a parachute and says "not for now"

 

the doctor asks him "but there were 3 parachutes? where did that one come from"

 

and the corner shop worker replys "its been here all along, that idiot took my lunch"

 

(that isnt racist, im from bury and it arent a right smart place)

 

what do you call a chav in an igloo?

 

inuinnit

 

what do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

 

sorted

 

what do you call a chav in a box?

 

innit

 

what do you call a vauxhall nova full of chavs falling of a cliff into a pit of lava?

 

a good start

 

what do you call a chav in a metalworking factory?

 

wellard

 

whats a normal chavs name?

 

johnny b. banged.

 

 

 

i dont get it.....

 

then you probably arent british

 

 

 

american pride baby!

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Heres 101 ways to annoy people.

 

 

 

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

 

 

 

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

 

 

 

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

 

 

 

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

 

 

 

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

 

 

 

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

 

 

 

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

 

 

 

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

 

 

 

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

 

 

 

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

 

 

 

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

 

 

 

12. Sniffle incessantly.

 

 

 

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

 

 

 

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

 

 

 

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

 

 

 

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

 

 

 

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

 

 

 

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

 

 

 

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

 

 

 

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

 

 

 

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

 

 

 

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

 

 

 

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

 

 

 

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

 

 

 

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

 

 

 

27. Wear a special hip holster for your

 

remote control.

 

 

 

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

 

 

 

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

 

 

 

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

 

 

 

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

 

 

 

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

 

 

 

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

 

 

 

34. Drum on every available surface.

 

 

 

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

 

 

 

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

 

 

 

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

 

 

 

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips

 

into peoples backpacks.

 

 

 

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

 

 

 

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

 

 

 

41. Set alarms for random times.

 

 

 

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

 

 

 

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

 

 

 

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

 

 

 

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

 

 

 

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

 

 

 

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

 

 

 

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

 

 

 

49. Wear your pants backwards.

 

 

 

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

 

 

 

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

 

 

 

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

 

 

 

53. only type in lowercase.

 

 

 

54. dont use any punctuation either

 

 

 

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

 

 

 

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

 

 

 

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

 

 

 

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

 

 

 

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

 

 

 

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

 

 

 

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

 

 

 

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

 

 

 

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

 

 

 

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

 

 

 

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

 

 

 

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

 

 

 

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

 

 

 

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

 

 

 

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

 

 

 

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

 

 

 

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

 

 

 

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

 

 

 

73. Drive half a block.

 

 

 

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

 

 

 

75. Ask people what gender they are.

 

 

 

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

 

 

 

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

 

 

 

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

 

 

 

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

 

 

 

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

 

 

 

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

 

 

 

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

 

 

 

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

 

 

 

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

 

 

 

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

 

 

 

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

 

 

 

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

 

 

 

88. Sing along at the opera.

 

 

 

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

 

 

 

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

 

 

 

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

 

 

 

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

 

 

 

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something

 

about "psychological profiles."

 

 

 

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

 

 

 

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

 

 

 

96. Never make eye contact.

 

 

 

97. Never break eye contact.

 

 

 

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

 

 

 

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

 

 

 

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

 

 

 

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties


122 Combat : 99 Hits : 99 Attack : 99 Strength

97/99 Defence : 99 Fletching : 99 Woodcutting

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Since we're into Irish jokes...(I am Irish so don't call me racist)

 

 

 

Seamus O'Toole walked into a bar one day and his friend Paddy O'Malley said "Blimey Seamus, why's your head bandaged up?" and Seamus replied "Well I was doing my ironing, when the phone rang." Then Paddy, being the smart man he is, said "But why are both your ears bandaged?" and Seamus said "Well I had to ring a doctor"

 

 

 

Three men were in an aeroplane, which starting to go down. The pilot told the three men that they would have to get rid of some baggage, so the first one (who liked to collect medievel items) threw out his collection of swords. The next man, who liked to live off the land, threw out all of his spears. The third man, who happened to be idiotic, threw out a box of grenades. The pilot told the men that they needn't throw anything else out. When the first man got home, his father was crying. He asked "Dad, why are you crying?" and his father replied "When your mother was out shopping, she got hit by a dozen swords". When the second man got home, his father was also crying. He asked his father "Why are you crying?" who replied "When your mother was out shopping, she got hit by a dozen spears". When the third man got home, he found his father laughing. He asked "Dad, why are you laughing so much?" and his father replied "Because when I farted, the neighbours house blew up"

 

 

 

Yes I still like fart jokes.

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What is sadder than hearing that 4 emos just died in a car crash?

 

 

 

Hearing there was room for 1 more...


On the flip side, it's been proven that women are probably better mothers

Yes I have balls, but they melted.

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Speical Report From Channel 4 News

 

 

 

"The United States has sent a probe to Ur anus

off-topic:stupid joke dude.

 

 

 

on-topic:Yo momma is so hairy, they sumtimes say she is the REAL Bigfoot!

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*************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

 

If you want to hear that joke, come to the Tip.It Games Room in Staurday (Sunday for some)


"The cry of the poor is not always just, but if you never hear it you'll never know what justice is."

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Yo momma's so dumb she sold her car for gas money.

 

 

 

That's the only momma joke that I can ever remember lol.

 

 

 

I like genie jokes but most are inapropiate for this forum...

 

 

 

Three men get stranded on a deserted island. The have no food, no communication, and only a gallon jug of water. The first guy takes a sip then passes it to the second. He also takes a sip and passes it to the third. He takes a sip... and sprints away. The other two give chase but look in horror as he trips and spills all the water on the ground. The thief looks at what tripped him and, lo and behold, it is a lamp. He rubs off the grit in hopes that there is SOMETHING drinkable inside. *POOF* out pops a genie who says that he can grant him three wishes or grant each of them one wish. The thief feels bad for spilling the water so he divies out the wishes.

 

The first guy wishes to be back home at a huge party thrown in his honor. *POOF* He disappears and starts having a grand old time.

 

The second guy wishes that his brother never died in combat and that they were reunited back on their farm. *POOF* He disappears and hugs his brother for the first time in years.

 

The third guy can't think of a wish that is NEARLY as cool as his friends'. He walks for hours with only thirst and loneliness as companions. He stumbles upon a freshwater stream welling up from the ground and starts to do a jig. "Man, I am so happy that I will never go thirsty!" That left him with only the loneliness to fight off. "I'm so lonely I wish my friend's were here."

 

 

 

 

 

If the next one is too crude feel free to edit it out, mods.

 

 

 

A man walks into a bar and sees a lamp next to a huge jar of quarters. He asks the bartender what they are doing on the bar. The bartender says "Oye, that's a genie in that lamp. Put you a quarter in that jar an' he'll pop out and give you one wish. Careful though, he's a mite hard o' hearing." The man thinks this is crazy but figures the most he can lose is a quarter. After tossing one in a genie flows out and asks him what his wish is. He is shocked but nonetheless spits out "I wish for a million bucks!" *POOF* A million ducks appear from nowhere all over the bar and out into the street. He says to the bartender "You weren't exaggerating! He is pretty deaf." The bartender pulls out an enormous lighter and says "Do you think I actually wished for a 12-inch Bic?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a very tall building. He immediately starts throwing them back. A rather large fella with glasses starts up a conversation... and doesn't stop for an hour straight. Air currents this, aerodynamic that, speed vs. resistance vs. gravity, etc. etc. The man finally gets fed up with him and yells "WHO GIVES A FLYING F*** ABOUT AIR CURRENTS!!!" The man in glasses says "Let me show you something amazing my friend." He goes to the window, opens it, and leaps out. The man is astonished and runs to the window. The man with glasses slowly floats up to him. "OH MY GOD! How are you not dead?!?!" The man with glasses replies "Air currents my friend, air currents." He comes back into the bar and asks the other man if he would like to try. The man declares that he is FAR from drunk enough to do such a crazy thing but after another hour of drinking and scientific evidence he decides to give it a shot. He goes to the window, spreads his arms as instructed, leaps out, and falls 30 stories to his death. The bartender gives the man in glasses a sour look and says "You sure are a a**hole when you are drunk, Superman."

 

 

 

All the rest of the jokes I know are dirty or filthy. :lol: That and/or refer to military training or equipment so are no fun here. Hope I got at least a snicker lol.


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2) Theres two muffins in an oven. One muffin says, "Oh boy, is it hot in

 

here or what?" The other muffin says, "Holy Crap! A talking muffin!"

 

 

 

 

Lol I've heard another version of that...

 

There were 2 sausages in a frying pan. One sausage says "Gee, is it hot in here or what?" The other sausage says " HOLY [cabbage]! A talking sausage!"

 

 

 

uhh so yeah it was basically the same thing

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waht do michael jackson and ps2 have in common

 

 

 

they're both plastic and kids turn them on

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Lol, more than half my jokes won't be fitting for these forums :P

 

 

 

Here's a simple one,

 

 

 

What's a blur of red and green and goes 100 miles per hour?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A frog in a blender!

 

 

 

Sorry if it's been said :oops:

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waht do michael jackson and ps2 have in common

 

 

 

they're both plastic and kids turn them on

 

 

 

LOL.

 

 

 

Q:What is black and white and red all over?

 

A: A nun falling down the stairs. (My 6th grade teacher told us that.)


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The code in my sig should say 1032 not 0132.

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What do you do when Michael Jackson is drowning?

 

Through him a buoy.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Your so dumb you foned me and asked for my fone number

 

Your so dumb you tripped over a cordless fone

 

Your so dumb that when you were heading to the airport the was a sign that said '<---- Airport Left', so you turned round and went home.

 

Your so dumb you asked how much a neclace was at the $2 shop.

 

Your so dumb you asked for a milkshake at Mcdonals, and when the person asked you what size, you asked what is cheaper

 

Your so dumb you asked for a cheesburger without the cheese.

 

Your so dumb your starved to death in the diary.

 

Your so dumb you got lost in your bedroom.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A fat woman was gonig to the movies and got 10 tickets. When she handed them to the usher, he asked 'Where are the other people?' and then the fat woman replied '2 for my left cheek, 2 for my other cheek and 6 for all the food'.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Who is Spider Mans Dad?

 

Daddy Long Legs!

 

 

 

What happnd to the car that had a wooden engine, wooden seat and a wooden wheel?

 

It wooden go!

 

 

 

Whats the difference between a fly and a bird?

 

A bird can fly but a fly cant bird.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

One day, a boy found a strange sea monster on the road looking lost, so he took it to the Police. The police officer said 'You should take it to the museum'.

 

The next day, the police officer saw the same boy with the same sea monster. 'I thought i told you to take it to the museum!" said the police officer'.

 

'I did,' said the boy, 'And now Im taking it to the movies.'

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Girl: At school today, I got a certificate.

 

Mum: What for?

 

Girl: Teacher asked us 'How many legs does an elephant have?'

 

Mum: What did you say.

 

Girl: 5

 

Mum: But it only has 4.

 

Girl: I know, but I was the person who got the closet.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Teacher: Luke, why are you tearing up your homework and throwing it all over the floor?

 

Luke: To keep the elephants away, miss.

 

Teacher: But there are no elephants.

 

Luke: Shows how effective it is then!

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Hmm, just a few of my pretty lame jokes.


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what's orange and sounds like a parrot

 

 

 

a carrot!


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Now I'm not saying she's a golddigger, but she ain't messing with no broke skiller.

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michael jackson jokes

 

 

 

 

mjhomealone.jpg

 

 

 

q. whats the difference between michael jackson and acne?

 

a. acne doesnt come on your face till you're 13

 

 

 

q. whats the difference between michael jackson and a plastic bag?

 

a. ones made of plastic and is dangerous around little kids, and the other one carries groceries.

 

 

 

q. why did michael jackson go to target?

 

a. he heard the boys' pants were half off

 

 

 

q. how does michael jackson pick his nose?

 

a. from a catalog

 

 

 

q. why did michael jackson get kicked out of the cafeteria?

 

a. he ate all the kids weiners

 

 

 

q. why's michael jackson like an ancient hot dog?

 

a. they both have forty year old meat in ten year old buns

 

 

 

q. whys michael jackson like a jockey?

 

a. they both ride three year olds

 

 

 

q. why doenst michael jackson go to the beach?

 

a. people always yell at him to get out their sun

 

 

 

q. how do you tell when its bedtime in neverland ranch?

 

a. when the big hand touches the little hand


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What do you call hobos and beggars on the streets. NOOBS and FROOBS and CHOOBS!! :twisted:


Currently:whacking noobs with rubber chicken

F2p and 52 prayer :-P

^^^^ Awesome Video ^^^^

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i hav a good one but its racist so i wont say it


~~i make my own nats~

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waht do u do if a blonde throws a pen at u?

 

run away shes got a gernade in her mouth


~~i make my own nats~

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Three men were in an aeroplane, which starting to go down. The pilot told the three men that they would have to get rid of some baggage, so the first one (who liked to collect medievel items) threw out his collection of swords. The next man, who liked to live off the land, threw out all of his spears. The third man, who happened to be idiotic, threw out a box of grenades. The pilot told the men that they needn't throw anything else out. When the first man got home, his father was crying. He asked "Dad, why are you crying?" and his father replied "When your mother was out shopping, she got hit by a dozen swords". When the second man got home, his father was also crying. He asked his father "Why are you crying?" who replied "When your mother was out shopping, she got hit by a dozen spears". When the third man got home, he found his father laughing. He asked "Dad, why are you laughing so much?" and his father replied "Because when I farted, the neighbours house blew up"

 

 

 

Yes I still like fart jokes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

omg! thats awesome


Mizzou is ballin'!

Illini are fallin'!

Kansas is dead.

thumb_mizzou-logo.jpg

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Wats blk and white and red all over?

 

 

 

 

 

A zebra in a blender

 

 

 

 

 

wats the difference between a truck of bolwing balls and a truck of dead babies...

 

 

 

 

 

You cant pick up bowling balls with a pitchfork

 

 

 

 

 

Why did helen kellers dog kil itself?

 

 

 

You would kill urself if ur name was oohgubugooh


Mizzou is ballin'!

Illini are fallin'!

Kansas is dead.

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there was to cows sitting in a tree steaking waffles, then another horse came and he hadnt seen a airplane to.
that doesnt make n e sence :-k :? :shock:

26,974th person to get 85 mining on September 20th, 2008

Try Ferion, it only takes a few minutes per day; you can play it while mining.

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Q:Whats the wind speed velocity of a sparrow?

 

Q:African or European


cooking 48/50, magic 31/45

agility 15/30,

date of 1 year aniversary on grgcsmc-aprox

1/20/07

I Killed a Lesser!!!!!!!!!!

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i got a runescape related one i made up earlier:

 

 

 

everytime you scam somebody, a child gets raped.

 

 

 

next time think about the children :)

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