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jaklumen

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Warning: This joke is a black joke, not good idea for people without black sense of humour.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If this joke is imapropiated please feel free to remove it admins.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How many shotguns does it take to kill a man?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Five, two for the legs, two for the arms and one for the brain.

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A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is it:

 

 

 

A) the condor;

 

 

 

B) the buzzard;

 

 

 

C) the cuckoo; or

 

 

 

D) the vulture?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I need an answer," said the host. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Yes, that is my final answer." replied the contestant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thirty seconds later, Eddie said, "I regret to inform you, but that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends-- including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Heres another:

 

 

 

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. One of the guests asked, "What's that big brass gong?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Yep," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You moron, it's ten past three in the morning

 

 

 

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. One of the guests asked, "What's that big brass gong?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Yep," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You moron, it's ten past three in the morning!

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danke Schon Sam!^^

"Blood runs thicker, oh were thick as thieves you know"

-Carl Barât

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sorry if this has been said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a 17 year old boy is taking a test and a girl next to him whispers "blue plate." the teacher sees this and asks the boy what the girl said. he says "blue plate". the teacher yells at him to go to the principals office. when he gets there he tells the story to the principal. when the pricipal asks him what the girl said he says "blue plate" the principal yells at him to go home and that he is expelled. when he gets home his mother asks him why he isn't at school the boy tells his mom the story. when she asks what the girl said he says "blue plate." the mom kicks him out of the house and takes his keys away. now the boy is living on the streets for a long time and when he turns 18 he decides his life is pointless anyway and joins the navy. now the boy is with all his other navy crew members and they are telling their stories why they joined the navy. the boy tells his story and when the guys ask what he girl said he says "blue plate." they kick him off the boat and he reaches the shore, nearly drowning. he sees an old blind man and the girl that whispered blue plate to him. he walks up to the old blind man and the man says "you look very sad and troubled, what is wrong?" the boy tells the story and the old man tells him to talk to the girl. the boy goes to the girl and before he says a word she gives him a piece of paper with a location on it and she says "meet me here i'll explain everything." the next day the boy is going to the location and as he crosses the street he gets hit by a car. MORAL OF THE STORY: look both ways before crossing the street.

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I went to a zoo the other day that only had a dog in it.

 

 

 

It was a Shi Tzu

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I entered a local paper's pun contest. I sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win... Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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There's a guy and a priest in a bar. The guy is throwing darts at a dartboard. He misses and says, "Oh, f---, I missed."

 

 

 

The priest says, "Do not say that. It is sinful to swear."

 

 

 

the guy goes, "Yeah, right. Whatever."

 

 

 

A few minutes later, he throws again, and misses. Once again, he says, "Oh f---, I missed."

 

 

 

The priest, getting annoyed, says, "I told you not to say that! Jesus taught to be forgiving, so I'll give you another chance. But don't say it again..."

 

 

 

The guy, thinking the priest is just a moron, says, "Yeah, right, whatever."

 

 

 

It's only about 10 seconds before he throws one again. Misses. Says, "Oh f--- I missed."

 

 

 

Now the priest is really mad. He throws up his hands, makes the sign of the cross, and says, "That's enough! I call on the power of God to smite thee!"

 

 

 

Suddenly, there is the sound of a distant choir singing, and a blinding flash of light. A lightning bolt appears, striking through the air - and hitting the priest.

 

 

 

There is a pause. The singing stops.

 

 

 

Then a deep, strong voice in the background says, "Oh f---. I missed."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't go getting offended, now, religious people. I'm sure God can take a joke.

 

 

 

:P

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There's a guy and a priest in a bar. The guy is throwing darts at a dartboard. He misses and says, "Oh, f---, I missed."

 

 

 

The priest says, "Do not say that. It is sinful to swear."

 

 

 

the guy goes, "Yeah, right. Whatever."

 

 

 

A few minutes later, he throws again, and misses. Once again, he says, "Oh f---, I missed."

 

 

 

The priest, getting annoyed, says, "I told you not to say that! Jesus taught to be forgiving, so I'll give you another chance. But don't say it again..."

 

 

 

The guy, thinking the priest is just a moron, says, "Yeah, right, whatever."

 

 

 

It's only about 10 seconds before he throws one again. Misses. Says, "Oh f--- I missed."

 

 

 

Now the priest is really mad. He throws up his hands, makes the sign of the cross, and says, "That's enough! I call on the power of God to smite thee!"

 

 

 

Suddenly, there is the sound of a distant choir singing, and a blinding flash of light. A lightning bolt appears, striking through the air - and hitting the priest.

 

 

 

There is a pause. The singing stops.

 

 

 

Then a deep, strong voice in the background says, "Oh f---. I missed."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't go getting offended, now, religious people. I'm sure God can take a joke.

 

 

 

:P

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That is good!!!!! \'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Joke:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Knock knock,

 

 

 

Whos there?

 

 

 

Iva

 

 

 

Iva Who?

 

 

 

Iva sore hand from knocking on the door so much!!!

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danke Schon Sam!^^

"Blood runs thicker, oh were thick as thieves you know"

-Carl Barât

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A chicken runs against a wall *Tok*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A other chicken says: Are you tokking to me? (Tokking -> Talking)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#-o My friend just told him

ooh eeh ooh ahah, ting tang wallawallabingbang m8

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a few jokes that are on the postbag in the rs website...

 

 

 

[hide=Click here for short jokes]

Why do Menaphites dip biscuits in their tea?

 

To sophan'em.

 

 

 

What does Zamorak wear when it rains?

 

A Zanorak.

 

 

 

Why did the Evil Chicken cross the road?

 

To KILL you, FILTHY BEAKLESS SCUM!

 

 

 

Which resident of Pollnivneach keeps getting away with crimes?

 

Ali Bi

 

 

 

Why doesn't Aubury ever go to the Blue Moon pub?

 

Because there isn't any rune at the inn.

 

 

 

Where do ogres go to vent their frustration?

 

The Rantz forum.

 

 

 

Why did the Chaos Elemental cross the road?

 

Crying space chinchompas. 37. Flump.

[/hide]

 

 

 

The combat triangle joke lol read it especially rangers :P

 

 

 

[hide=Combat Triangle joke]

Guthix decides that he wants entertaining one morning, having spent years asleep. Being all-powerful, he teleports a melee warrior, a wizard and a ranger into a music room on his dimensional plane. From the next room he booms: "I want you to choose an instrument, come in to see me and then play me the best tune you know. If you please me then I will let you live. First, I will hear the warrior play".

 

Afraid, the melee warrior looks down at the table and chooses one of three instruments: a harp. The other two wait for him in the music room until, five minutes later, he comes back. "Phew", he said, "I played some slap-harp with a tinge of jazz, and he really liked it".

 

 

 

"Now I will hear you, wizard, with your chosen instrument".

 

 

 

The wizard looks down, picks up some bongos and goes next door. Five minutes later, she too comes back, relief on her face. "I played a slowed-down version of the RuneScape theme with a few pyrotechnics. He couldn't get enough of it."

 

 

 

"Ranger. I will hear you now".

 

 

 

The ranger panics, grabs the remaining instrument and runs into the room. Three minutes later, a massive explosion shakes the door and smoke pours into the room. A pathetic scream rings out. A few seconds later Guthix himself wanders into the room.

 

 

 

"Sorry, guys, I had to kill him. He was really bad and blamed it all on the triangle."

[/hide]

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Proud to be Mexican, yay!

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here goes,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ok, so theres a guy that walks into a pet store

 

"i need the best pet you got" he said

 

"here you go" the shopkeeper said

 

"what is it?" the man said

 

"a fuzball,it eats anything" shopkeeper said

 

"oh realy? fuzball, eat dryer" the man said

 

munch muunch, it ate the dryer

 

"cool, do it again, eat frigorator" the man said

 

munch munch he ate the frigerator

 

"il take it!" he said

 

 

 

 

 

so he went home and showed his wife,

 

 

 

"what is it?" she asked

 

"its a fuzball, it eats anything" the man said

 

"humph, fuzball my but" his wife said

 

i think you know what happens next :lol:

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Click Here!

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Why are blonde jokes so short?

 

So men can remember them.

 

 

 

Knock Knock

 

who there?

 

the interupting pig

 

the interupt-

 

oink

 

 

 

A teenage girl had been talking on for the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "wow!,"said her father, "that was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

 

"wrong number" the girl replied...

 

 

 

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 shots, He drinks them really fast.

 

"why are you drinking them fast" said the bar man

 

"you would know why if u knew what i've got" said the man

 

"what have you got"

 

"75 p"

Luck be a Lady

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Guest ShadowClawe

I hope this isn't too religious :-k

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

A burglar broke into a house one night and was looking around.

 

 

 

Suddenly, he heard a voice behind him, "Jesus is watching you..."

 

 

 

Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued to search the house for valuables.

 

 

 

Then he heard it again: "Jesus is watching you..."

 

 

 

He turned around and aimed his flashlight at where he thought the voice came from.

 

 

 

There, in front of him, was a parrot.

 

 

 

"Were you the one who said, 'Jesus is watching you'?" the burglar asked the parrot.

 

 

 

"Yes, I was," the parrot answered.

 

 

 

"Who are you?" the burglar asked.

 

 

 

"My name is Moses," the parrot replied.

 

 

 

The burglar, surprised, asked "What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?"

 

 

 

The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus."

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Kind of old... but cool! :)

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

Joke (political, but that nothing new from me... political stuff i mean):

 

George W. Bush and Tony Blair was flying in George W. Bush's plane discussing how they did improve the world. George W. Bush's bodyguards stands behind overhearing them:

 

George W. Bush: I will throw out of the window 1 dollar, then 1 person will be happy!

 

Tony Blair: I will throw out of the window 5 pounds, then 5 people will be glad!

 

Hearing this George W. Bush's bodyguard said: Well if I throw you two out of the window then 6 billion people will be both happy and glad!!!

 

 

 

A plane filled with american engineers crashed and funny enough all of them ended in hell. 1 month later Satan calls St. Peter/God and says:

 

"You have to take a group of americans..."

 

"Why" asked God

 

"I don't want them down here!" Satan replied "...They have installed AirCondition!!!"

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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer a meatball and one of them lemonsquishers. He puts the meatball in his bear and squishes it with the lemon squisher and drinks his fresh meatball squished beer. He does it a couple of times after that, the man next to him is watching him and asks him: U must be working for Fed-Ex right? The man says yes how did u guess. The other man says, well it says it on ur hat

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:lol: lol this one is good... so i wont rant about BORIS STEALING MY JOKE...

 

 

 

A man walks into George Bush's office and says "i have news."

 

Everyone in the room looks at him.

 

"go on," says the president.

 

"We've just had word that 3 brazilians were killed in Iraq." (no offence 2 brazilian ppl)

 

To everyone's surprise, the presidents face goes white and he puts his head in his hands.

 

Eventually, he speaks.

 

"just- just HOW many is a brazillion?"

 

 

 

also, put "failure" into google and press "im feeling lucky"

 

you get the white house page. :lol:

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The butler walks into a room where the heiress is. She says to him

 

"Take off my stilettos." And the butler slowly takes them off.

 

Then she says

 

"Now take off my dress." The butler hesitates but then takes off her dress, ever so carefully.

 

Then she says

 

"Ok, now take my underwear." At this point, the butler is sweating and going all red in the face.

 

 

 

"Now, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, consider yourself fired."

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On the first day god created the world, then he rested for 2 days

 

 

 

Then he created man and then rested for 3 day

 

 

 

Then he created woman

 

 

 

Since then, neither god nor man has gotten any rest.

76th to reach 99 Construction on 6th of February 2007

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On the first day god created the world, then he rested for 2 days

 

 

 

Then he created man and then rested for 3 day

 

 

 

Then he created woman

 

 

 

Since then, neither god nor man has gotten any rest.

 

 

 

Um, I don't get it. :-k

It's easy Women wont stop talking so they can not get any rest
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you know milk floats?

 

 

 

no it doesnt!

 

-----------------

 

 

 

what do you call a deer with no eyes?

 

 

 

no idea

 

----------------

 

 

 

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

 

 

 

still no idea.

 

 

 

I'm laughing right now :lol:

 

 

 

But not because of this. :roll:

 

 

 

Seriously I was laughing of something else, I can't see the funny part of these jokes. Maybe like some people say I have lack sense of humour. :-k

 

I'm not sure about the first one, but the two about the deer are supposed to be plays on words (I'd assume the first one was too)

 

 

 

A deer with no eyes

 

No-eye-deer

 

 

 

A deer with no eyes and no legs

 

Still no-eye-deer

 

 

 

Just a random Yo momma joke (the only one I've ever heard that I liked)

 

Yo momma is so stupid she had you.

 

 

 

Wow, a good your momma joke. Haven't heard one of those since third grade.

 

 

 

Ok, now for my jokes.

 

-------------------------

 

An engineer died and ended up getting sent to hell. A few weeks later, God and Satan where chatting. God asked Satan how things were going down in hell. He replied "It's great. We got that new engineer down there, and he's put in elevators and AC units and some pools, he's just been fixing everything up."

 

 

 

God said "Wait a minute, that was a mistake. He was supposed to go up to heaven with us. You have to give him back, or we'll be forced to sue you.

 

 

 

Satan looked at God and said "Yea, where are YOU gunna find a lawyer?"

 

-------------------------

 

How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

 

 

One. She just holds it in place and the world revolves around her.

 

-------------------------

 

A resent major university study suggests that beer companies have been adding female hormones to their products. 100 men were used as test subjects, and were each given 12 pints of beer. Afterwards, each of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

 

-------------------------

Look, if your mom still drops you off at school, you ain't gangsta, pull up your damn pants!

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3 down, 7 to go

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-----------------

 

 

 

what do you call a deer with no eyes?

 

 

 

no idea

 

----------------

 

 

 

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

 

 

 

still no idea.

 

 

 

What do you call a a dear with no eyes and no legs and on FIRE

 

-----------------------------

 

Still flaming no idea

Luck be a Lady

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