All jokes and such here please!

[lavaownz]

lawyer joke:

 

 

 

 

 

you know the thing about lawyer jokes?

 

Lawyers dont think there funny,

 

and no one else thinks there jokes

[dragoonson]

3 men were sentenced to death.

 

 

 

When the first man was about to be shot,his eyes widened,"FLOOD!!!" he shouted,lying.In the confusion,he escaped.

 

 

 

When the second man was about to be shot,he lied too,shouting "HURRICANE!!!"He escaped in the confusion.

 

 

 

When the third man was about to be shot,he shouted "FIRE!!!"...Idiot.

 

 

 

__________

 

 

 

 

 

The Drill Demon had just begun to be well,a drill demon.In the first lunch break of his duty,he said "There are only 3 rules here,Eat up,Shut up and Hurry up!"

 

 

 

To test his recruits' response,he asked "What the hell is the frikking second rule?"

 

 

 

His recruits promptly answered "Shut up,Drill Demon!"

 

 

 

~Award winning joke =)

[roguecow1]

Here is a funny story (Fictional) that I read once.

 

 

 

A man was walking through a forest, when he met a strange looking gnome. The gnome told him, "Beware the purple mushrooms, for if you step on one, you will have to marry the ugliest person in the world!" The man nodded and contued through the forest. He made sure not to step on any purple mushrooms. When he finally got out he met a beatiful redhead. The redhead told him,"We have to marry." The man looked at her and smiled,"Why is that?"

 

"Because, I stepped on one of the pesky purple mushrooms!"

 

 

 

:thumbsup: this joke is a personal favorite

[Animaslayer]

i got this one of me step-dad

 

 

 

i cant remember it exactly

 

 

 

 

 

a man walk into the bar

 

the barman says can i help you?

 

the other guy says id like a beer

 

the barmen get him one and he says that 1 pound please

 

the guy says can i have it for free if i show you something

 

the barman says show me first and if its good enough ill give you the beer

 

the guy comes back with a chicken and a tin

 

amazingly the chicken starts dancing

 

the barman says wow and more people come along

 

 

 

the other man sits down and a guy says to him ill buy that chicken of you for 25 quid, could make me some money

 

the other guy with the chicken says 50

 

 

 

they make a deal the guy who bought the chicken comes in the next day and says to the guy he bought it off

 

Oi that chicken you sold me dont dance!!

 

the guy who sold it him goes did you look in the tin

 

other person says yeah

 

and the guy who sold it him says your supposed to light the candle in it first

 

 

 

 

 

not brilliant but you know

[Animaslayer]

nuther one

 

 

 

its christmas time and the angel comes and says

 

 

 

right if you dont show me something christmas like you will be killed

 

 

 

the first guy ponders and goes aha ! and pulls mistleoe out of his pocket

 

well done says the angel

 

 

 

the angel goes up to the second guy he think and goes i know! pulls a bauble out of his pocket

 

the angel lets him live

 

 

 

the nagel goes to the third guy

 

he thinks for about 10 minutes while the angel goes "well" the other 2 guys are staring at him

 

 

 

then goes i know it i know it

 

and pulls some knickers out of his pocket

 

 

 

the angel goes how the hell are the christamssy!!

 

 

 

he goes oh, there carols =P

[anonymous1234]

y_anima"]nuther one

 

 

 

its christmas time and the angel comes and says

 

 

 

right if you dont show me something christmas like you will be killed

 

 

 

the first guy ponders and goes aha ! and pulls mistleoe out of his pocket

 

well done says the angel

 

 

 

the angel goes up to the second guy he think and goes i know! pulls a bauble out of his pocket

 

the angel lets him live

 

 

 

the nagel goes to the third guy

 

he thinks for about 10 minutes while the angel goes "well" the other 2 guys are staring at him

 

 

 

then goes i know it i know it

 

and pulls some knickers out of his pocket

 

 

 

the angel goes how the hell are the christamssy!!

 

 

 

he goes oh, there carols =P

thats pretty gross lol. oh and to blazikenmaster on the last page, i think the british pound is worth a little less than 2 us dollars

[PastyGangsta]

Best blone joke i've ever read> http://j-walkblog.com/index.php?/weblog ... lond_joke/

 

 

 

Dude that link doesnt go anywhere... it keeps going to some random website with another link... :shame:

[PastyGangsta]

chucknorrisfacts.com is greatest joke site ever

[reanimationk]

What's brown and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A stick...duh

[trunksrs]

If a man says something in the woods, and no women are around to hear it, is he still wrong?

 

 

 

True Story: George Schwartz, the owner of a factory in Providence, Rhode Island, barely survived a 1983 blast that totaled his factory except for one wall. After being treated for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to see what he could salvage. The remaining wall collapsed on him and killed him.

 

 

 

How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should already be open by the time she gets it to the couch.

 

 

 

---------------------------------

 

 

 

Farmer Zeb got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

 

 

 

"Well, Zeb, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a-running, went after that boar, and chased him away. Saved my life!"

 

 

 

"And the boar tore up his leg?"

 

 

 

"No, he was fine after that. But a bit later, we had that fire. Started in that shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig squealing like he was stuck, woke us all up. And 'fore we got out of there, the dern thing had herded up all the other animals out of the barn and saved em all."

 

 

 

"So that's when he hurt his leg?"

 

 

 

"No, Zeb. He was might winded though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drowned. Sure did save my life."

 

 

 

"And that was when he hurt his leg?"

 

 

 

"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."

 

 

 

"Ok Fred, just tell me. How did that pig get a wooden leg?"

 

 

 

"Well," the farmer said, "a pig like that you don't wanna eat all at once."

[dragoonson]

If a man says something in the woods, and no women are around to hear it, is he still wrong?

 

 

 

True Story: George Schwartz, the owner of a factory in Providence, Rhode Island, barely survived a 1983 blast that totaled his factory except for one wall. After being treated for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to see what he could salvage. The remaining wall collapsed on him and killed him.

 

 

 

How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should already be open by the time she gets it to the couch.

 

 

 

---------------------------------

[RpgGamer]

i got a bunch o jokes from me friend :wink:

 

Stumpy And His Wife

 

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

 

 

 

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

 

 

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

 

 

 

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

 

 

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

 

 

 

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

 

 

 

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

 

 

 

 

First Class Blondie

 

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

 

 

 

The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

 

 

 

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

 

 

 

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

 

 

 

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

 

 

 

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

 

 

 

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

 

 

 

A Fathers Last Request

 

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

 

 

 

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

 

 

 

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

 

 

 

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

[trunksrs]

 

 

 

How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should already be open by the time she gets it to the couch.

 

 

 

Yes, that was actually the point of the joke. Think about it.

[subtle_rune]

Saw these on "Britain's Got Talent" the other night...

 

 

 

--------

 

 

 

Child: Miss, would I get into trouble for something I didn't do?

 

Teacher: Of course not!

 

Child: Good, because I haven't done my homework.

 

 

 

--------

 

 

 

Mum: [looks in mirror] I'm fat and I'm ugly. Say something that will cheer me up.

 

Child: There's nothing wrong with your eyesight!

 

 

 

--------

[ThruItAll]

Riddle:

 

Dave ran halfway into the forest in half an hour, his friend Simon says that he ran 2 thirds of the way into the forest in the same time. Dave said this is impossible, why?

 

 

 

[hide=Answer.]Once you run past halfway into the forest, you're running out of the forest.[/hide]

[Blaze The Movie Fan]

Riddle:

 

Dave ran halfway into the forest in half an hour, his friend Simon says that he ran 2 thirds of the way into the forest in the same time. Dave said this is impossible, why?

 

 

 

[hide=Answer.]Once you run past halfway into the forest, you're running out of the forest.[/hide]

 

 

 

That was hilarious. \

[SwreeTak]

One of my favourites:

 

"Of course that your coat endurace some rain! Have you ever seen a fox with an umbrella?"

[the_drunk_dude]

Ask this to people out loud:

 

 

 

What is 1+1*2?

 

 

 

 

 

As for a joke...

 

Easter is canceled, they found the body.

 

 

 

Okay, that was bad, /hm

 

Death and taxes may be the certain things in life, but at least death doesn't get worse every time congress meets.

 

 

 

 

 

As for a riddle... Why should you never date a tennis player?

[p8ntball_maniax]

Okay so a man walked into a bar every day, and ordered 3 of the same drinks in 3 different shot glasses. He did this every day for awhile until the bartender finaly asked why he cant just put the drinks in one glass, the man replied " Well, my two brothers left a long time ago and I like to think that we are all here drinking together, so this one's for seamus, and this one is for finnean, and this glass is for me." So the man repeated this for awhile, then one day, he came in and ordered two shot glasses. the bartender asked, " why are you just getting 2 glasses, are you brothers okay?". The man replied "No...nothing is wrong, my brothers are okay, I've just decided to quit drinking." :lol:

[Omar]

Okay so a man walked into a bar every day, and ordered 3 of the same drinks in 3 different shot glasses. He did this every day for awhile until the bartender finaly asked why he cant just put the drinks in one glass, the man replied " Well, my two brothers left a long time ago and I like to think that we are all here drinking together, so this one's for seamus, and this one is for finnean, and this glass is for me." So the man repeated this for awhile, then one day, he came in and ordered two shot glasses. the bartender asked, " why are you just getting 2 glasses, are you brothers okay?". The man replied "No...nothing is wrong, my brothers are okay, I've just decided to quit drinking." :lol:

 

Not that funny :-s

[bbalking]

What did the 0 say to the 8?

 

 

 

 

 

Why've you got your belt on so tight?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man had just robbed a bank and were getting chased by the police when they stopped by a factory to hide. They found 3 sacks and hid in them.

 

When the police were searching the factory, a policeman found the sack the english man was and kicked it. "WoofWoof" shouted the man. The police man walked on thinking it was a sack of dogs.

 

He then found the sack that the scottish man and kicked it, "Meeeooow" said the scottish man and the police man walked on thinking it was a sack of cats.

 

The police man then found the sack where the irish man was hiding and kicked it, "Potatoes, Potatoes, Potatoes" yelled the irish man. :roll:

[RpgGamer]

Three guys walk into a bar.

 

----------------------------

 

yup thats the joke :lol: took me awhile to get that, myself

[bjb93]

I made this joke up so it might not be funny :oops:

 

 

 

What do you call a Roman Empirer with constipation??

 

 

 

[hide=Click for Answer]:!: :lol: Julius Squeezer:lol::!:[/hide]

[ThruItAll]

Three guys walk into a bar.

 

----------------------------

 

yup thats the joke :lol: took me awhile to get that, myself

 

 

 

That must have hurt.

 

 

 

How do you get Pikachu on A Bus??

 

 

 

[hide=Answer]Pokemon (Said like Poke-him-on.)[/hide]

[haha13254]

I found out about this one from a friend and i wet my pants laughing

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There was a German, an American and a Bulgarian on a plane. the plane flew over Germany and the German dropped an apple out the window, when the others asked why he said 'because i love my country'. Then they flew over America and the American dropped a pear out the window, when asked why he also said 'because i love my country'. But when they flew over Bulgaira the Bulgarian threw a bomb out the window, when the others asked why he said 'because i hate my country'.

 

 

 

So when the German was walking through the streets he saw a little girl crying, :cry: when he asked why she was crying she said 'an apple fell out of the sky and hit me on the head'. When the American was walking down the road he saw a little boy crying, :cry: when he asked why he was crying the boy said 'a pear dropped out of the sky and hit me on the head'.

 

 

 

But when the Bulgarian was walking through the industrial district he saw a boy and a girl laughing their heads off, :lol: :lol: when he asked why they were laughing they said in union 'some guy just farted and the building behind him blew up'.

 

 

 

And i remembered this one from Bjb93's joke

 

 

 

Did you hear about the movie constipated?

 

 

 

It never came out! :lol: