All jokes and such here please!

[shotdown12]

You are driving a bus and on the 1st stop 2 people come on, on the 2nd stop 4 people come on, 3 come off, on the 3rd stop 1 person comes on, and on the 4th stop 2 people get off.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is the bus drivers name?

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever your name is. Read the first word of my post.

[shotdown12]

Speical Report From Channel 4 News

 

 

 

"The United States has sent a probe to Ur anus

 

 

 

There isnt anything funny about Ur anus! Its just a planet! :wink:

[1alebcay]

Speical Report From Channel 4 News

 

 

 

"The United States has sent a probe to Ur anus

 

 

 

There isnt anything funny about Ur anus! Its just a planet! :wink:

 

Well it is pretty big planet...

[I4prez]

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

 

 

 

To get out of Kentucky!

[Animaslayer]

D = duck

 

B = bartender

 

 

 

duck walks into a bar

 

 

 

D= got any bread?

 

B= no

 

D= got any bread?

 

B=no

 

D= got any bread?

 

B= no we dont have any bread

 

D= got any bread?

 

B= no we dont have any effing breasd now stop before i nail ur effing beak to the bar

 

D= got any nails?

 

B= no

 

 

 

hehe...

[Animaslayer]

How many RuneScapers does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

 

 

20,000

 

 

 

1 to change the lightbulb and the rest to complain about how the first lightbulb was better

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

siggied

 

 

 

btw that joke is so olllld

[xvillexvalox]

A bit racy of a joke, not meant to offend.

 

 

 

A Mexican and a black guy are in a car, who's driving?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[hide]The cop.[/hide]

[wildernessfreelancer]

Here's a lawyer joke:

 

 

 

Lawyer: The nerve! I can't believe you collect decayed teeth from all over the world and actually paid for them!

 

Tooth Fairy: But-

 

Lawyer: No! I don't care if you have emotional problems! You deserve to be paid, no matter how absurd your job is!

 

Tooth Fairy:But I-

 

Lawyer: Whoever heard of a job where you pay people instead of getting paid?! You deserve justice! You deserve compensation!

 

Tooth Fairy: Umm... -

 

Lawyer: You know what? I'll be your lawyer for free. You can settle everything in court. And you'll definitely win.

 

Tooth Fairy: HEY!

 

Lawyer: What?

 

Tooth Fairy: I don't exist, remember? *poof!*

 

Lawyer: Oh, [cabbage], why does she have to do that every time I say that? I offered to be her lawyer, free of charge... and she makes up an excuse and vanishes. I mean, come on! It's not like I have a crush on her or something...... I don't!

 

 

 

(^ What lawyers do when they're bored.)

[jokemaster]

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked

 

beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very

 

embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy

 

and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought

 

to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentleman, he would never go for this

 

carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

 

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she

 

lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be

 

late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and

 

the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

 

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any

 

ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and

 

before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

 

All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably

 

sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and

 

exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He

 

then blindfolded

 

her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he

 

was about to remove the blindfold from his wife,the telephone rang. He made

 

her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to

 

answer the phone.

 

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure

 

was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she

 

seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was

 

not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in

 

front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her

 

vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which

 

reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her

 

ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for

 

another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her

 

freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on

 

her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was

 

the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so

 

long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At

 

this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

 

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy

 

Birthday"!!!

[Bluejayfan94]

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked

 

beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very

 

embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy

 

and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought

 

to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentleman, he would never go for this

 

carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

 

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she

 

lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be

 

late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and

 

the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

 

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any

 

ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and

 

before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

 

All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably

 

sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and

 

exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He

 

then blindfolded

 

her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he

 

was about to remove the blindfold from his wife,the telephone rang. He made

 

her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to

 

answer the phone.

 

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure

 

was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she

 

seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was

 

not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in

 

front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her

 

vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which

 

reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her

 

ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for

 

another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her

 

freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on

 

her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was

 

the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so

 

long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At

 

this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

 

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy

 

Birthday"!!!

 

LOL!!! Love this joke

[rook_2222]

How many RuneScapers does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

 

 

20,000

 

 

 

1 to change the lightbulb and the rest to complain about how the first lightbulb was better

 

:roll: So true

 

 

 

I heard a really similar joke the other day. (sorry to all blondes out there :oops: )

 

 

 

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

5- 1 to hold the bulb in place and 4 to turn the chair the 1st one is standing on. Pretty dumb :-#

[jokemaster]

A lawyer, a doctor, and a redneck were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

 

 

 

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the lawyer top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the lawyer was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?"

 

 

 

The lawyer explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

 

 

 

A little while later the rancher noticed the doctor walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

 

 

 

As before, the doctor explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.

 

 

 

Finally the redneck appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

 

 

 

"Well," said the redneck, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

[weinz]

why does santa like his job so much?

 

 

 

-he knows were all the naughty girls live

 

 

 

:XD:

[chickenpieguy]

A Blonde, A Smart Blonde and Santa Claus, all jump off a roof, which one hits the floor first??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Blonde becuase the other two dont exist.

 

 

 

 

 

What do you do if a Blonde throws a grenade at you?

 

 

 

 

 

Pull the pin out and throw it back.

 

 

 

 

 

yeah, very funny, have u noticed that some one like me (a "blonde") would come on this forum, and i'm smart, your obviously not...

 

 

 

what would hit the ground the fastest? GonAndGary or a cabbage?

 

 

 

a cabbage, GonAndGary is so Stupid he jumps up because he can't get his ups and downs correct, let alone his left and right

[nine naked men]

A Blonde, A Smart Blonde and Santa Claus, all jump off a roof, which one hits the floor first??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Blonde becuase the other two dont exist.

 

 

 

 

 

What do you do if a Blonde throws a grenade at you?

 

 

 

 

 

Pull the pin out and throw it back.

 

 

 

 

 

yeah, very funny, have u noticed that some one like me (a "blonde") would come on this forum, and i'm smart, your obviously not...

 

 

 

what would hit the ground the fastest? GonAndGary or a cabbage?

 

 

 

a cabbage, GonAndGary is so Stupid he jumps up because he can't get his ups and downs correct, let alone his left and right

 

 

 

Heh, fail.

 

 

 

Please, get a sense of humour. It's a joke. Key word: joke

 

 

 

On topic: What's the difference between a brick and a frog?

 

 

 

The frog is alive. So true. :-k

[Princess Viola]

3 men are on top of a mountain and a old chinese guy is there he tells them that what ever they say as the jump off they'll land in.

 

 

 

The 1st gy jumps and says, "pillows", so he lands in pillows

 

 

 

The 2nd guy jumps and says "hay" so, he lands in hay.

 

 

 

The 3rd guy trips and says "Aww, [cabbage]" and as he falls he says "Whheeee! (Wee)" so he lands in [cabbage] and wee!

[Grand_Overlord_Mly]

Q: If you have five apples and your friend asks for two apples, how many apples do you have left?

 

 

 

A: Five, you selfish [puncture].

[Randox]

I have 2 but they use some *impolite* words (nothing racist or in an offensive manor). I will use hides since I cant tell these jokes wothout the cursing since both rely on wordplay and there is no other way to make them funny. Delete if you wish but these are actualy quite clean I promise.

 

 

 

[hide]

 

There is a little boy, and his grandparents are coming over for dinner. Both his parents are getting ready.

 

 

 

The boy goes to see his mom who is busy applying makeup.

 

 

 

Boy: Mommy, what are you doing?

 

Mom: Oh, i'm just applying my... *she accidently spills makeup on her dress* ..oh s***.

 

 

 

The boy goes to see his dad who is stuffing the turkey.

 

Boy: Daddy, what are you doing?

 

Dad: Oh, i'm just *he durns himself on the turkey pan* f***ing turky!

 

 

 

The door bell rings and the boy goes to answer it.

 

Boy: Hi gradma, hi gradpa. Moms putting s*** on her face and dads f***ing the turky.

 

[/hide]

 

The *concrete stucture that holds back water* fish

 

[hide]

 

Theres this reverand (holy guy, take your pick) who goes out to the market to get fish for dinner.

 

He sees a man who is calling out:"dam fish, get you dam fish here"

 

The reverand walks over and asks why the man calls them dam fish.

 

"We'll you see reveerand, they were caught in a dam so there called dam fish"

 

The reverand responds: We'll that makes sense. I'll buy 4.

 

 

 

The reverand comes home and calls out "honey, I have some dam fish for you"

 

Wife: Reverand! No swearign in the house.

 

Reverand: I'm not swearing, they were caught in a dam so there called dam fish.

 

Wife: Oh, Ok.

 

 

 

At the dinner table:

 

Reverand: Honey would you please pas me the dam fish.

 

Son: Thats the Spirit dad! Pass me the f***ing potatoes

 

 

 

*I used dam for technical accuacy, not for censo evasion.

 

[/hide]

[aspokaspofkjsopfkapo]

what happens to a white stone when a purple alien from the planet dyeland throws it into the murkiest part of the red sea?

 

 

 

[hide=are you sure you want to know the answer...?it would make you feel realy realy silly....]it gets wet :XD: :XD: :XD: :XD: [/hide]

[mahomus]

When the cows laugh does the milk come out from their nose? :?

[mahomus]

How can you put an elephant in a fridge?

 

 

 

[hide=here is the answer]

 

empty the fridge then put it :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

 

 

 

Ok, how will you put a giraaf in the same fridge?

 

 

 

[hide=here is the answer]

 

simple, get the elephant out then put the giraf in;)

 

[/hide][/hide]

[wizjany]

When the cows laugh does the milk come out from their nose? :?

 

 

 

no, the bull eats popcorn and then the elephant climbs into the refrigerator with the giraffe...

[Harakiri]

There once was a man from Nantucket

 

Who could not pronounce Phucket.

[alphad]

This is a joke you can do to your friends

 

 

 

,, and died and went to heavan. there was only one rule there. if you were to step on one of the many buttons on the ground, you would be forced to marry an ugly person. lasts about a week, but accidently steped on a button, and an ugly person apeared to him. made it for a month, and then stepped on a button. an ugly person appered to him. after a year, had not stepped on a button. all of a suddan, a hot model appers to him. he said

 

"Why are you here?"

 

and she said

 

"i dont know. i stepped on a button and then you appered"

[shivers21]

I have 2 but they use some *impolite* words (nothing racist or in an offensive manor). I will use hides since I cant tell these jokes wothout the cursing since both rely on wordplay and there is no other way to make them funny. Delete if you wish but these are actualy quite clean I promise.

 

 

 

[hide]

 

There is a little boy, and his grandparents are coming over for dinner. Both his parents are getting ready.

 

 

 

The boy goes to see his mom who is busy applying makeup.

 

 

 

Boy: Mommy, what are you doing?

 

Mom: Oh, i'm just applying my... *she accidently spills makeup on her dress* ..oh s***.

 

 

 

The boy goes to see his dad who is stuffing the turkey.

 

Boy: Daddy, what are you doing?

 

Dad: Oh, i'm just *he durns himself on the turkey pan* f***ing turky!

 

 

 

The door bell rings and the boy goes to answer it.

 

Boy: Hi gradma, hi gradpa. Moms putting s*** on her face and dads f***ing the turky.

 

[/hide]

 

The *concrete stucture that holds back water* fish

 

[hide]

 

Theres this reverand (holy guy, take your pick) who goes out to the market to get fish for dinner.

 

He sees a man who is calling out:"dam fish, get you dam fish here"

 

The reverand walks over and asks why the man calls them dam fish.

 

"We'll you see reveerand, they were caught in a dam so there called dam fish"

 

The reverand responds: We'll that makes sense. I'll buy 4.

 

 

 

The reverand comes home and calls out "honey, I have some dam fish for you"

 

Wife: Reverand! No swearign in the house.

 

Reverand: I'm not swearing, they were caught in a dam so there called dam fish.

 

Wife: Oh, Ok.

 

 

 

At the dinner table:

 

Reverand: Honey would you please pas me the dam fish.

 

Son: Thats the Spirit dad! Pass me the f***ing potatoes

 

 

 

*I used dam for technical accuacy, not for censo evasion.

 

[/hide]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ROFL! the 2nd one was hilarious! heh heh heh

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

what happenes when you cross a chicken and a crocodile?

 

 

 

a croccluk :o

 

 

 

ok.. so much for me making up jokes.... >.<