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All jokes and such here please!


jaklumen

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Here's 2 jokes I know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a mom walks into her sons room and tells him to get up for school.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I dont wanna go to school today!" the son shouts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"give me 2 reasons why u dont want to go" mom says

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"first, the kids all hate me and second, the teachers all hate me"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"thats no exuse why u dont want to go to school" his mom says

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"fine u give me 2 reasons why i should go to school" said her son

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

mom says "Well first of all ur 51 years old, and second ur the principal of the school"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

ÃÆââââ¬Ã¡ÃâãÃÆââ¬Â¦Ã¢ââ¬ÃÅÃÆÃâÃâ¦Ã¸'ÃÆââ¬Å¾Ã¢ââ¬ÃÅ ÃÆÃââââ¬Ã¢ÃÆââ¬Â¦ÃâíÃÆââ¬Â¦Ãâæ

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If Snake hears about you kicking a cardboardbox, you're on his kill list.

 

 

 

When he sees you kick one, you're off it, instanty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snake and Chuck Norris once had a Tag-Team battle with Vin Diesel and Mr.T, the result?

 

 

 

The Dark Ages.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dante and Snake once had a fight.

 

 

 

Snake, holding back of course, and winning, was sparing Dante.

 

 

 

When Dante shouted LLIGHT!, however,Snake kicked Dante into a small room.

 

 

 

Dante's dead body was later found found.

 

 

 

Neck broken by strangling.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Cold War never happend, the U.S won by using a single word, Snake.

 

 

 

The fake war was only to keep the countries reputation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snake once made a perfect house, military base, and a camoflauge using only a cardboardbox.

 

 

 

Eat that, McGuyver.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dante and Snake were having a corny lines contest.

 

 

 

However, due to Dante having his LLLIGHT! and My soul is telling me it wantstoSTOPYOU lines, won.

 

 

 

The referee was found dead next day, and the prise money was nowhere to be found.

 

 

 

The referee died due to a strangling

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If Snake hears about you kicking a cardboardbox, you're on his kill list.

 

 

 

When he sees you kick one, you're off it, instanty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snake and Chuck Norris once had a Tag-Team battle with Vin Diesel and Mr.T, the result?

 

 

 

The Dark Ages.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dante and Snake once had a fight.

 

 

 

Snake, holding back of course, and winning, was sparing Dante.

 

 

 

When Dante shouted LLIGHT!, however,Snake kicked Dante into a small room.

 

 

 

Dante's dead body was later found found.

 

 

 

Neck broken by strangling.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Cold War never happend, the U.S won by using a single word, Snake.

 

 

 

The fake war was only to keep the countries reputation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snake once made a perfect house, military base, and a camoflauge using only a cardboardbox.

 

 

 

Eat that, McGuyver.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dante and Snake were having a corny lines contest.

 

 

 

However, due to Dante having his LLLIGHT! and My soul is telling me it wantstoSTOPYOU lines, won.

 

 

 

The referee was found dead next day, and the prise money was nowhere to be found.

 

 

 

The referee died due to a strangling

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Am I missing something? I didn't understand one of those!! Who is Dante and Snake, and what's with the boxes and stranglings?

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SHH HUT YUH MUH. DERKHED.

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Dante and Snake are populair characters from some games.

 

 

 

Snake has a cardboardbox obsession.

 

 

 

And Dante said some idiotic lines, the worst one being the LLLIGHT! one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The LLLIGHT one is on YouTube somewhere.

 

 

 

I'll grab the link, be editting it in a min.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EDIT:

 

 

 

Bleh, more than a min >_<

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0Ym9WEn-Q0

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  • 2 weeks later...
Just a random Yo momma joke (the only one I've ever heard that I liked)

 

 

 

Yo momma is so stupid she had you.

Yo momma is so fat she fell in love and broke it :P

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have a dirty mind, can't think of any good non offensive ones. #-o

Quit RS, combat 104, total 1651

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Yo mama so dumb a drug dealer offered her coke and she asked for diet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The 10 inch pianest joke.. i just copied and pasted it too lazy to type it out myself

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This guy walks into a bar and sits down in front of the bartender. He orders a drink. While waiting for the drink, he reaches into one pocket and pulls out a 7 inch piano. He reaches into another pocket and pulls out a 10 inch man. The 10 inch man goes up to the piano and promptly starts playing. Beautiful music fills the bar.

 

 

 

The bartender goes up to the guy and asks where he got the musician. The guy replied that there was a genie just down the block who would grant just one wish.

 

 

 

The bartender went outside and down the block. There was a huge crowd around the genie. The bartender waited a really long time. Finally, it was his turn. The genie greeted him, "Hello, I am a genie and I will grant you one wish."

 

 

 

The bartender said, "I want a million bucks." All of a sudden, there were a million ducks! They were quacking and following the bartender. The bartender tried to scatter the ducks, but they all came right back.

 

 

 

The bartender went back to the bar, went up the the guy with the miniture piano player, and said, "What a lousy genie. I asked for a million bucks and got a million ducks!"

 

 

 

The guy at the bar looked at the bartender and said, "You don't really believe that I asked for a 10 inch pianist, do you?"

Your name is "bet you fail", and you're starting a business with your mom? I'm not even going to touch that.....
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This isn't so much a joke as it is a riddle, but it's still kinda funny.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An electric train is going down the tracks at 60mph, if the train stops to get 20 more passengers every 2 hours, how fast does the train's smoke go?

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Veni Vidi Vici

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Hail to the wiki! For all your information needs.

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Answering the thing above me: There is no smoke <.<

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a blonde,a redhead, and a brunette are all stuck on an island:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The redhead swims 1/4th of the way back to shore and drowns

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Brunette swims 1/3rd of the way back to shore and drowns

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Blonde swam 1/2 of the way back to shore..got tired...and swam back to the island..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another one:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mary was in sunday school one sunday,but she kept falling asleep

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first time the teacher noticed she said "Who is it that us Catholics believe in? Mary?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The little boy behind Mary poked her with a pin causing her to wake up and yell "GOD,DAMMIT!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The teacher said "correct, but please mind your words"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The second time the teacher noticed she asked "Who is the son of the Virgin Mary? Mary?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The boy poked Mary again causing her to jump up and scream "Jesus Christ!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Correct" said the teacher.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The third time the teacher saw Mary sleeping she asked "What did the woman say to her husband after their twelfth child? Mary?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The boy poked Mary another time and Mary jumped up and yelled at the top of her lungs "IF YOU STICK THAT DAM THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!"

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A man goes to the checkout at his local shopping centre.

 

 

 

In his trolley he has soup for 1, Noodles, milk and butter.

 

 

 

The girl behind teh counter asked

 

 

 

"Are you single?"

 

 

 

The man replies "Yes, how do you know?"

 

 

 

Without missing a beat she replies

 

 

 

"Because you're ugly".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thats one for Valentines Day :)

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^Sir Jem 05-The Bunny Drinking Blog?^ Click it!

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More Applied Mathematics

 

 

 

LONGEVITY

 

 

 

Married men live longer than single men, but

 

 

 

married men are a lot more willing to die.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MEMORY

 

 

 

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

APPEARANCE

 

 

 

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

 

 

 

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

 

 

 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

 

 

 

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

 

 

 

A woman has the last word in any argument.

 

 

 

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

COMPREHENSION

 

 

 

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

 

 

 

Old uncles used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

devilgod.jpeg

so i herd u liek devarts?

If you look at me and feel offended by my 666-ism,think.I could be just as offended by your "cross".

[hide=This's why I'm hot]

The Eleventh Commandment:Thou Shalst only say "Amen,brother".

Amen, brother :lol:

Amen, brudda (referring to the 10th commandment)

amen Bruder! (german ftw)

I'm invulnerable to everything, except Lenin and Dragoonson.

That's impossible.

 

I love people.[/hide]

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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"But, officer," the man began. "I can explain."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I am going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"And I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He will be in a good mood when he gets back."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I am the groom."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

__________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cheney gets a call from his boss, W.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I've got a problem," says W.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"A big rooster," replies W.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. W points at the jigsaw on his desk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to W and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."

Retired

Ex-E174

Ex-Venqeance

[Ex-Tha Familia3]

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My joke is...BUMP!

devilgod.jpeg

so i herd u liek devarts?

If you look at me and feel offended by my 666-ism,think.I could be just as offended by your "cross".

[hide=This's why I'm hot]

The Eleventh Commandment:Thou Shalst only say "Amen,brother".

Amen, brother :lol:

Amen, brudda (referring to the 10th commandment)

amen Bruder! (german ftw)

I'm invulnerable to everything, except Lenin and Dragoonson.

That's impossible.

 

I love people.[/hide]

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Found this one off the internet...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Types of computer viruses

 

 

 

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident.

 

 

 

It'll be back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great

 

 

 

service you are getting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that

 

 

 

you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to

 

 

 

region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all

 

 

 

processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class

 

 

 

processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your

 

 

 

computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even

 

 

 

though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up,

 

 

 

screen splits erratically with a message appearing

 

 

 

on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning

 

 

 

any child processes without joining into a binary network.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy

 

 

 

and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls

 

 

 

and service stations across rural America.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into

 

 

 

hundreds of little units, each of which do practically

 

 

 

nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important

 

 

 

part of the computer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with

 

 

 

marrying its own motherboard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will

 

 

 

lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time

 

 

 

(plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't

 

 

 

get rid of it until November.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your

 

 

 

diagnostic software says everything is fine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing

 

 

 

an 800 number.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is

 

 

 

constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm

 

 

 

your PC, but it will trash your car.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a

 

 

 

lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nike virus: Just Does It!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to

 

 

 

80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme

 

 

 

right of your screen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse

 

 

 

around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once

 

 

 

if by LAN, twice if by C:.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says,

 

 

 

"I'm not Santa Claus."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus",

 

 

 

but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file,

 

 

 

regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file,

 

 

 

it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system,

 

 

 

just before the whole thing quits.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose

 

 

 

"Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in

 

 

 

each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files

 

 

 

for 75 years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

j0xPu5R.png

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  • 2 weeks later...
Person:(Knock Knock)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You:Who's there?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Person:Doctor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You:Doctor Who?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doctor Who:Why did u ask if u already knew who it was?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

::'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thats a good one :P

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sorry guys dont have any joke

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, its sort of a riddle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How many letters are in the alphabet?

 

 

 

Answer - 11 - The phrase THE ALPHABET has 11 letters

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How many sides does a circle have?

 

 

 

Answer - 2 - The inside and the outside

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ok, these are jokes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

 

 

 

Answer - A gummy bear

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where do bees go if they cant be bothered to drive?

 

 

 

Answer - The Buzz-Stop

28u7f5g.jpg

danke Schon Sam!^^

"Blood runs thicker, oh were thick as thieves you know"

-Carl Barât

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