All jokes and such here please!

[TheKoolKandy]

What looks like a blue bucket?

 

 

 

A blue bucket.

 

 

 

 

 

What looks like a red bucket?

 

 

 

A blue bucket in disguise. :o

[TheKoolKandy]

and you previous post lol!!!!!!!

[TheKoolKandy]

So The easter bunny, santa and a smart blond jump off a building which one hits the ground first?

 

 

 

 

 

None of them they don't exist(except for first 2 in runescape).

 

 

 

Theres a mountain that if say something when you jump off of it you will land in it, so a guy and his 2 friends decide to go and get some free stuff. The first one jumps off and says "Pennies!!!!!" he lands in pennies and dies. The second one is a bit smarter so he says "$100 bills!!!!!" he lands in them but he dies of blood loss from paper cuts. The third one is about to walk off the edge but then he trips on a stone and yells "Crap!!!!!!!!" he lands in crap and lives(but smells horrible for the rest of his life).

[TheKoolKandy]

I'm really bored this is all i have to do right now OK?

 

 

 

Theres a blond a brunette and a redhead, they are being chased by the cops and so first the brunette goes and hides in a dog house, then the redhead hides in a cat house(don't question me!) and then blond hides in a sack of potatos. When the police come by first they go to the dog house they are about to check but the brunette says "wuff wuff" so they don't bother checking(yes they are stupid cops). They go to the cat house next but the redhead says "Meowwwwww" so they just leave it alone and go on. Then they see the sack of potatos and decide to check it. The blond hearing them coming says "Potatoe potatoe". You can guess what happens hopefully.

[Death]

Does koolkat58 know how to edit posts?

 

 

 

[hide=]Survey says no.[/hide]

[John Halo Chief]

Or what commas are? Unspam:

 

A blond, brunette, and a redhead dare each other to swim the English Channel using only the breast stroke style of swimming. The brunette gets there in 2 days, the brunette in 2 months, and the blond in 2 years. The redhead and brunette ask, "What took you so long?" The blond replies, "You guys cheated! You used your arms and legs!"

 

Hopefully you get it. :lol:

[Estonian dude]

The brunette gets there in 2 days, the brunette in 2 months,

 

 

 

WTF?

 

 

 

I think you meant the redhead took 2 months.

 

Okay now, the JOKES:

 

 

 

A man tells a well-known wit: "I had your wife, without paying a penny". The husband replies: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?

 

 

 

A couple of Mississippi hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

 

 

 

 

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"

 

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

 

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

 

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

 

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

 

 

 

 

 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

 

 

 

 

They once tried to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.

 

 

 

 

 

One of GaiaOnline's February 2006 'monthly collectibles' is presumably named after Chuck Norris. The Item itself has an allusive name (Chyaku Norisu) and its description resembles one of the Facts: "There are only two things in the world that can cut diamonds ... other diamonds and CHYAKU NORISU!!"

 

 

 

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

[John Halo Chief]

Chuck Norris once saved a puppy's life just by LOOKING AT IT!

 

The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way just ONE TIME! Look what happened...

 

And, a classic...

 

http://www.nochucknorris.com/

[Lenin64]

Or what commas are? Unspam:

 

Or how to avoid explaining the joke?

 

 

 

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

 

[hide=]She's a woman.[/hide]

[Harakiri]

^^^ I heard that one the other day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A guy goes to a five dollar prostitute and does his thing. The next day, he wakes up and notices he has crabs. He drives back to the prostitute and yells "YOU GAVE ME CRABS!" and she replied "What did you expect from a five dollar prostitute, lobster?"

[Lenin64]

Two muffins are baking in an oven. One says, "Gee, it's hot in here, innit?"

 

 

 

So the other says, "We're both going to die horribly and no one will hear us scream."

[Goonstalf]

Two muffins are baking in an oven. One says, "Gee, it's hot in here, innit?"

 

 

 

So the other says, "We're both going to die horribly and no one will hear us scream."

 

Lol, antihumor ftw. Here's a few:

 

 

 

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

 

 

 

[hide=]She didn't have any arms.[/hide]

 

 

 

Knock Knock.

 

 

 

Who's there?

 

[hide=]The police, your husband just died in a car accident.[/hide]

 

 

 

Two men are standing on a rooftop, one turns to the other and says;

 

 

 

Man 1:"Do you want me to push you off this roof?"

 

 

 

Man 2:"No."

[Craiglowery]

 

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

 

[hide=]She's a woman.[/hide]

 

 

 

http://www.helenkellersimulator.com/

[MuffinMaddy]

What did the traffic light say to the other one?

 

Don't look at me, I'm changing.

 

 

 

Why was the mushroom so popular?

 

Because he was a fungi to be with.

 

 

 

Why did the tomato blush?

 

He saw the salad dressing.

 

 

 

Riddle:

 

There was a blue house, it was blue, there was a red house, it was red, what colour was the green house?

 

 

 

There were 3 brothers, one was called 'Shutup' one was called 'Trouble' and the other was called 'Manners'.

 

Trouble went missing one day so 'Shutup' and 'Manners' went to the police station.

 

Manners was waiting outside while Trouble spoke to the police officer.

 

"Hello, what's your name?" She asked.

 

"Shutup"

 

"Where are your manners?"

 

"Outside"

 

"Are you looking for trouble?"

 

"YES!"

[John Halo Chief]

Riddle:

 

There was a blue house, it was blue, there was a red house, it was red, what colour was the green house?

 

reminds me...

 

What color bricks are on a red house?

 

Red.

 

What color on a greenhouse?

 

NO BRICKS NUBCAKE.

 

 

 

What's red and shaped like a bucket?

 

A red bucket.

 

What's blue and looks like a bucket?

 

A red bucket in disguise.

[llamster]

A drunk decides to reform and serve the rest of his life as a monk. So he enlists in a monastery, where he spends his days copying ancient texts for distribution. AFter his day on the job, he becomes slightly conerned. He talks to the head priest and tells him that since all the monks are making copies by hand, and they're only making copies of copies, which were also hand copied, if one text had a slight error nobody would ever realize it.

 

 

 

The Head priest says, "Yes, that is a genuine concern. I will go into the monastery basement, where there is a vault containing the original texts and compare it to the most recent copy." Well, after 3 days the priest still hasn't resurfaced, and the monks become concerned for his safety. So the new monk goes down to check on him. Upon arrival, he finds the head priest with the original text and copy, with his head down, crying hysterically. The monk apporaches and tentativly asks "Father? Are you alright?" The priest looks up at him, teary-eyed, and yells,

 

 

 

"Dear Lord! The word was CELEBRATE!!"

 

 

 

I found this one in Reader's Digest a few days ago.

[flying_death_bombs55]

A drunk decides to reform and serve the rest of his life as a monk. So he enlists in a monastery, where he spends his days copying ancient texts for distribution. AFter his day on the job, he becomes slightly conerned. He talks to the head priest and tells him that since all the monks are making copies by hand, and they're only making copies of copies, which were also hand copied, if one text had a slight error nobody would ever realize it.

 

 

 

The Head priest says, "Yes, that is a genuine concern. I will go into the monastery basement, where there is a vault containing the original texts and compare it to the most recent copy." Well, after 3 days the priest still hasn't resurfaced, and the monks become concerned for his safety. So the new monk goes down to check on him. Upon arrival, he finds the head priest with the original text and copy, with his head down, crying hysterically. The monk apporaches and tentativly asks "Father? Are you alright?" The priest looks up at him, teary-eyed, and yells,

 

 

 

"Dear Lord! The word was CELEBRATE!!"

 

 

 

I found this one in Reader's Digest a few days ago.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't get it. :|

[Willboyer1]

Did you hear about the lorry full or terapins that had a head-on collision with a lorry full of tortoises?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was a turtle disaster!!!

[Death]

A drunk decides to reform and serve the rest of his life as a monk. So he enlists in a monastery, where he spends his days copying ancient texts for distribution. AFter his day on the job, he becomes slightly conerned. He talks to the head priest and tells him that since all the monks are making copies by hand, and they're only making copies of copies, which were also hand copied, if one text had a slight error nobody would ever realize it.

 

 

 

The Head priest says, "Yes, that is a genuine concern. I will go into the monastery basement, where there is a vault containing the original texts and compare it to the most recent copy." Well, after 3 days the priest still hasn't resurfaced, and the monks become concerned for his safety. So the new monk goes down to check on him. Upon arrival, he finds the head priest with the original text and copy, with his head down, crying hysterically. The monk apporaches and tentativly asks "Father? Are you alright?" The priest looks up at him, teary-eyed, and yells,

 

 

 

"Dear Lord! The word was CELEBRATE!!"

 

 

 

 

 

I found this one in Reader's Digest a few days ago.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't get it. :|

 

Celibate.

 

 

 

noun

 

1. A person who abstains from sexual relations.

 

2. A person who remains unmarried, especially for religious reasons.

 

 

 

adjective

 

3. Observing or pertaining to sexual abstention or a religious vow not to marry.

 

4. Not married.

[Lenin64]

A drunk decides to reform and serve the rest of his life as a monk. So he enlists in a monastery, where he spends his days copying ancient texts for distribution. AFter his day on the job, he becomes slightly conerned. He talks to the head priest and tells him that since all the monks are making copies by hand, and they're only making copies of copies, which were also hand copied, if one text had a slight error nobody would ever realize it.

 

 

 

The Head priest says, "Yes, that is a genuine concern. I will go into the monastery basement, where there is a vault containing the original texts and compare it to the most recent copy." Well, after 3 days the priest still hasn't resurfaced, and the monks become concerned for his safety. So the new monk goes down to check on him. Upon arrival, he finds the head priest with the original text and copy, with his head down, crying hysterically. The monk apporaches and tentativly asks "Father? Are you alright?" The priest looks up at him, teary-eyed, and yells,

 

 

 

"Dear Lord! The word was CELEBRATE!!"

 

 

 

I found this one in Reader's Digest a few days ago.

 

I got it from House of Leaves. Which is the best book ever.

[Lenin64]

A drunk decides to reform and serve the rest of his life as a monk. So he enlists in a monastery, where he spends his days copying ancient texts for distribution. AFter his day on the job, he becomes slightly conerned. He talks to the head priest and tells him that since all the monks are making copies by hand, and they're only making copies of copies, which were also hand copied, if one text had a slight error nobody would ever realize it.

 

 

 

The Head priest says, "Yes, that is a genuine concern. I will go into the monastery basement, where there is a vault containing the original texts and compare it to the most recent copy." Well, after 3 days the priest still hasn't resurfaced, and the monks become concerned for his safety. So the new monk goes down to check on him. Upon arrival, he finds the head priest with the original text and copy, with his head down, crying hysterically. The monk apporaches and tentativly asks "Father? Are you alright?" The priest looks up at him, teary-eyed, and yells,

 

 

 

"Dear Lord! The word was CELEBRATE!!"

 

 

 

I found this one in Reader's Digest a few days ago.

 

I got it from House of Leaves. Which is the best book ever.

[i_love_burritos]

Double post, Lenin.

 

Yes, House of Leaves really is an excellent book, took me 4 attempts to get it.

 

Heard this one the other day :

 

A man is walking down the street when he runs into his friend. But there's something different about him: his friend has an orange for a head.

 

So the man asks his friend, "Hey man, why do you have an orange for a head?"

 

And his friend replies, "Well I was digging through the trash and I found a magic lamp. I rubbed it and a genie popped out and promised me three wishes."

 

The man then says, "That's cool, but why do you have an orange for a head?"

 

His friend replies, "Well for my first wish I asked to be the richest man in the world, and 'poof!' I had tons upon tons of gold bullion at my feet."

 

The man shuffles and asks again, "Okay, but why do you have an orange for a head?"

 

His friend smiles and says, "Wait, wait. I'm getting there. For my second wish I wished for the most beautiful woman in the world to be my bride, and 'poof!' there she was, the very likeness of Helen of Troy."

 

The man, dumbfounded and quite anxious asks once again, "Okay, but why do you have an orange for a head?!?"

 

To which his friend replies, "Well, for my third wish, I wished for an orange for a head."

 

Couldn't be bothered to type it all out, so just copypasta from google search.

[VEGHATERMEATLOVER]

are we allowed to tell madeline jokes?

[svs]

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other; How do you drive this thing?

[Jehosaphat]

^That's a good one.

 

A guy walks into a bar and says "Ow."

Two guys walk into a bar and say "Ow." You think the second one would've seen it coming.

 

A penguin, a nun, three pirates, a blonde, a ninja, an orthodontist, and a flock of cursing parrots all; walk into a bar. The bartender stares at them and says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"