"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[MuffinMaddy]

Your boyfriend's female friend sounds like a straight [bleep], Maddy. Fun, but not fun for a girl like yourself. I'm overstepping my boundaries as an internet stranger here but I dont think its worth dating your boyfriend any longer to you. You have radically different opinions on respectful behavior. He acts in ways that you dont approve of. His friends dont accept you. You cant hold onto a relationship hoping it'll get better forever. Better is out there. But its not with this guy. He sounds like the kind of fella that made best friends and made them for life. His ideal relationship scenario is someone that effortlessly fits into that group. And you just don't seem like the kind of gal to jump into the butt slapping contest. Theres nothing wrong with that fact, but I think you'd find yourself with a much wholesome happiness without him and the situations he puts you in. And maybe he'd be happier too without having to second guess every choic ehe's presented with for the sake of his relationship. Y'all are 20.Unless you plan on getting married, I think its time to experience something/one new and different

it's just a bit sad because I've tried not to come off as that crazy insecure stereotypical gf that doesn't want females around her bf and I feel like I am that person because of the situation with this girl even though I've been rational as I can when it comes to things like this. I don't feel we're on the same page with a lot of issues but on others we mesh just fine. Am I wrong for being irritated by this friend? I don't feel threatened it's more looking like an idiot for my bfs friends disrespecting me so blatantly and him unknowingly condoning even assisting it (by ditching me for example)

[Nom]

The main point here is this: no, you're not wrong for feeling the way you do about his behavior and the behavior of his friends. They are also not necessarily wrong to behave that way. People want different things from relationships, and if you're not getting what you want you have every right to move on and find it elsewhere. Frankly, I agree with Rpg; you should move on. There's someone, many people in fact, out there who will be happy to pay more attention to you and prioritize you more.

[Sir_Squab]

Your boyfriend chooses his friends over you. You think a boyfriend should choose his girlfriend over his friends. You need to move on. He will never change that behavior as long as he is dating a girl that will put up with that behavior (read: continue to date him while he engages in that behavior.)

 

Also, you need to stop letting your fear of being an irrationally jealous girlfriend invalidate your behavior. It seems like the moment you bring a legitimate issue up, you get called jealous and you back down because you don't wanna be that irrationally jealous girlfriend. Heck, maybe even embrace being an irrationally jealous girlfriend (regardless of whether you are or aren't) instead of backing down due to fear of that label.

[RpgGamer]

Eh...dont embrace irrationality. But letting this behavior continue is synonymous to condoning it

[Sir_Squab]

I don't mean embrace actually being an irrational girlfriend, I just meant embrace the title instead of living in fear of it's shadow. I really should've phrased it in a way that isn't easily interpreted as encouraging mildly psychotic tendencies.

[MuffinMaddy]

Thanks for all your points, and I see what everyone has said and understand it.

I did show him some of the posts and he argued that if he posted from his point of view that people could find reasons why he should break up with me.

He argued that my version of events is 'searching for a particular kind of answer' and that if you post on a forum, you "get the answer you expect"

 

I did disagree as obviously, if I had gone to my friends, it would be different but I think you guys have tried to be as 'balanced' and reasonable as possible based on the information I've given you which isn't down to interpretation as none of these events are fictional. I honestly don't know if I do actually want to end things at this present moment, and even though I've considered it, I have no idea how to go about it without being filled with immense guilt because I know he does care about and love me. 

[Low Levelled]

Gonna have to do some soul searching, Maddy. Good luck, I'm sure everything will work out in the end!

[RpgGamer]

You dont have to be in a committed functional relationship to love and care about someone. You're well within your right to love him and care about him and not call him your boyfriend

[obfuscator]

He does bring up a good point though, we're all prone to bias that is pretty much impossible to overcome completely. Rather than asking us, you should ask a mature person close to you (hopefully you have some such person). I know I feel much more comfortable giving my close friends relationship advice than I do random people on here because I have a much clearer picture from personal experience...

[Estonian dude]

And ain't you going to Canada soon anyway?

[MuffinMaddy]

Why is breaking up good advice, even if it seems unnecessary and trivial?

 

Check out the secratary problem. With this in mind it really looks silly to stay with a guy you constantly complain about. 

 

I do not constantly complain about him what. I've posted on two-three separate points in a 15 month relationship. More than some but less than others lol.

I'm off to Canada late August. 

 

Y Guy - I had a friend I used to talk to who was friends with him too and in their general group but I felt bad putting her in an awkward position but she has vouched that some of these things are just his character. I also felt a bit exposed with a single person knowing so much about my relationship and how I feel and I didn't want it to become gossip amongst their friendship group but I know she'd be there for me.

 

But for now I think everything has mostly been covered and I don't have any 'problems' to ask for advice on at this point.

[Noxx]

Went on a second date with that girl last week. It actually went better than i expected. She called me up and we arranged a date. She also apologized for making me wait so long "but i'll explain when i see you". Not exactly something i wanted to hear, or so i thought. We made a date for the afternoon, and planned on going to the beach. She requested that i pick her up since she didn't know how to get to the beach i planned on going too, and it was pretty long drive by Qatar standards. She also said that we could "talk" before leaving, when i go to pick her up. In my mind i was expecting one of two thing to happen:

 

1.) She tells me what a great guy i am, but how she's not in the right place to be dating right now. So it's better if we just stay friends.

2.) She tells me that she feels  she already loves me, and she's not sure what to do about it.

 

 

Cocky as it sounds, #2 seems to happen to me a lot. I always seem to find the crazy ones. Surprisingly though, it was neither of the two (kind of). She told me that she doesn't feel like she's in the right place to be dating right now. She's been here almost 2 years, she's never bothered with dating. She's never really bothered with guys in general (here, at least). She didn't expect to be here for as long as she is, which is why. And that's also why she doesn't feel like she's in the right place to be dating. She's not sure how long she's still going to be here, and she doesn't want any emotional ties. BUT (here come the good news), she likes me, and she liked hanging out with me. "I've been behaving myself for long enough now, and i feel like it's time to unwind a bit." I felt like i didn't really need to question that statement. 

 

 

I figured that it would have been the perfect opportunity to vocalize my intentions as well, and i planned on doing it even before she told me what she did. As it were, i didn't have too, since she pretty much covered it. I was pretty shocked, truth be told. I didn't expect this to be the outcome. But i think it worked out well. We never did get to the beach though.

 

 

Also, on a slightly different note, the crazy girl actually called me 2 days ago. She apologized for her behavior and actually asked me if i was interested in "trying again". At first i thought she was trying to have a laugh, but it seemed like she was actually serious. I asked her why she thought i would even consider it given how our first date went and she replied by telling me she thought she felt a strong sexual connection with me and she wanted to explore it, or see where it goes at least. Again, i was pretty shocked. She suggested that instead of going out for dinner this time, i just go to her house instead. We can cook something, and all i had to do was bring some wine.

This is kind of where my confusion starts. Although the first girl pretty much made it clear that she didn't want anything "exclusive" i don't feel right about "seeing" other people. At least not without telling her. But i'm not exactly sure how to open that door, and i don't want to open that door if it's going to lead to something bad.

 

On the one hand i have someone fun. Someone that's easy to converse with, fun to hang out with. We have a few things in common, a lot of the same views on certain things, etc. In terms of looks i'll probably give her a 7.5/10 by my standards. She's cute and pretty, but not hot. I am attracted to her, but not in the "i want to [bleep] you silly" kind of way.

The other girl, on the other hand... she's hot. Solid 9/10. Fairly tall, skinny (but not a stick), etc. I definitely feel a lot more of a sexual attraction to her. I just get that sense that she's the kind of girl that likes "kinky" stuff. Not "Shit on my chest and call my by your mothers name" kind of weird, but more like "Oh yeah, harder" 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWciXlO5W8o

 

 

Ideally i'd want a slice of both pies ( ;) ), but i'm not sure how to proceed. I don't want to end up doing something that might [bleep] me both ways in the end. And i pretty much only have 2 days to make a choice, since she asked me to let her know by then. I could always just not bring it up at all, but that kind of feels dishonest. So yeah, not really too sure what to do. On the one hand it's probably stupid of me to even consider giving it another go with the second girl, but for some reason i think we're both on the same page regarding the situation. On the other hand i already know that me and the first girl are on the same page.

[muggiwhplar]

You've just gotta have a laid back playerish vibe about you. In other words, you won't feel guilty about seeing both of them if they both wouldn't be surprised by that fact due to your overall attitude. If you're acting like Joe Schmo around them yet secretly living a player lifestyle then yeah that's gonna lead to problems down the road.

 

Also if a girl explicitly tells you she's DTF, which is awesome, I'd avoid telling her about your sexual desires in return. Like Rpg noticed a while back, once a girl thinks you "expect" to get laid next time you see her, suddenly she'll freak out at that expectation and back out since she's more nervous than horny at that point. What I usually say when a girl tries to get me to state my thoughts about having sex with her before we've actually banged is, "haha don't worry about that kind of stuff yet. We're just gonna hang out and relax :)" and then next time we hang out, we hook up :thumbup:

[RpgGamer]

Tough call Noxx. I'm gonna say I agree with Muggiw. You dont have any intention to be fully committed to either girl so clear your guilt however you see fit. If youre honest with yourself you'll find it easier to be honest to them (it doesn't seem like either girl is looking for exclusive experience so personally I'd probably see both of them until it no longer seemed suitable)

[Estonian dude]

Do as my flatmate - never lie to a woman, and never cheat on one, but don't commit or tell anything unless absolutely certain.

 

Go do them both chicks.

 

My little adventures with this one are past, off to new ones.

Also, so much to do that I don't even have time to think of her.

[champion]

So, here I am again. With a situation that's pretty significantly different from my last one (the whole thing with the girl who had a boyfriend. It was a quick casual thing and we never contacted each other again and I don't care lol. She was kind of crazy). This post will hopefully help me clear my mind and put the situation in perspective. Also welcoming any input/advice/whatever.

 

 

 

About a month ago I started chatting with this girl on Tinder. We exchanged numbers, casually texted back and forth for a week or so before hanging out for the first time, which was like 3 weeks ago (seems longer). It wasn't established as being a "date" or anything, we both just seemed like cool people to each other and wanted to meet each other. I was the only person she's ever met off Tinder, it was really a big coincidence that it even happened in the first place. We both just had a couple beers and walked around downtown at night talking, goofing around, skateboarding, etc. We ended up learning that we have an insane amount of stuff in common. We're both psych majors, both have the exact same Myers-Briggs personality type, both enjoy weird goofy humor (like the Eric Andre Show), among a ton of other weird little coincidences. She's incredibly easy to talk to, like I don't think I've ever talked to a girl where we could just talk for hours without it getting awkward in the slightest. She's lived an incredibly interesting life and has all sorts of awesome stories. Oh, I also find her very physically attractive.

 

Needless to say, I'm completely infatuated. We've hung out two other times, the latest being a couple days ago. It was pretty similar to the first time we hung out, we got drunk and walked around and talked for hours. We ended up going back to her place and smoking cigarettes by the beach, talking more. It got really late and I didn't have any good way to get back home, so I stayed the night at her place, which she was fine with offering. It's worth noting that all the while leading up to this we still both just seemed to consider each other friends. That whole night hanging out we both seemed to be pretty flirty, and the majority of it was on her part. Nothing super obvious, just brief-ish arm and leg touches and stuff. We fell asleep in the same bed together, again with a lot of physical closeness but nothing expressing explicit romance (also to be fair it was a really big bed so it's not like we were exactly cuddling). 

 

I know that at this point in the story, it might seem like the obvious response is "dude you were in the same bed, she was being kind of flirty, and you like her, why didn't you make a move?" Believe me, I've asked myself the same thing. But I think it goes back to the infatuation thing. I'm at this point where I'm so infatuated with her as a person that I didn't have the balls to just be like "[bleep] it, I don't care if I get rejected, I could get over it pretty quick." If she'd rejected me, I probably would've been pretty [bleep]in' crushed. It'd be nice to have that closure, but our friendship that we both value would've been significantly more awkward, if it didn't just end right then and there. It's kind of a double edged sword though even if she did want to pursue something with me. I'm only here in Seattle until June for school until I go back home for the summer, and next fall she's entering college somewhere in California, so if we were to have a "thing," whatever that might be, it'd just be for like 3 months. She recently broke up with a long-term boyfriend of hers due to distance, so it's not like realistically we'd be able to last.

 

She's going back to California for like a week or something to get her wisdom teeth removed, but I can only assume we'll hang out again not long after she gets back. After rambling up to this point, the only conclusion I'm coming to is that next time we meet up I should just explain to her my feelings (in a more articulate, less needy-sounding way than this post haha). Weighing the costs and benefits here, I think there'd be a lot more long term self-loathing if I never told her how I felt and there was this weird sexual tension between us before drifting apart than I would if I just got flat-out denied. And of course there's always the chance that she reciprocates my feelings, which would be great (up until we'd stop seeing each other after a few months but OH WELL). 

 

 

 

As you can tell by now, I overanalyze shit way too much. It's weird with girls, I'm either fine with hooking up, have pretty high self-confidence and I don't get attached at all or I fall desperately into the snares of 'oneitis' and doubt everything I do, which I'm experiencing now. There never seems to be an in-between. But this post helped confirm that I just gotta grow a pair and let her know how I feel rather than deal with this anxiety and lack of closure forever. Anyways, thanks to anyone who read this and wants to give any input, it was cathartic for me at least.

[Low Levelled]

What's she currently doing in Seattle?

[champion]

Basically taking a gap year from school. She got her AA down in California and was really stressed out with school so she moved up here to live with her older sister for a while, now she's just working but recently completed her transfer apps for other schools.

[RpgGamer]

Oh just make a move you putz.

 

If she goes for it and moves away, at least you can say you had some fun (and if youre ever in the same area again with her, its practically a guaranteed meet up). If she rejects you at least you'll know, you can apologize for finding her attractive or whatever and continue being friends (or not, whatever). Not everything needs a label. Just experience this opportunity life has given you while its still there.

[muggiwhplar]

Yeah you've gotta make a move and if you get rejected, then you move on to the next girls. Attractive girls that have lots in common with you are very common and since you've only known her for a month, you underestimate how quickly your brain will adapt and move on if you get rejected. Especially if you don't stop dating.

 

The longer you wait, the more likely it is that you'll be replaced by some other dude with similar quirks. There's nothing wrong with feeling infatuated. But there is something wrong with wimping out because you're infatuated, which is what you're doing right now.

 

Also quit worrying so much about your future with her. It seems like you're just using the future as an excuse to rationalize your fear of not making a move. Start hooking up with her then start thinking about what role she will fill in your life.

[champion]

Yeah, you guys are both 100% right. Especially about the whole acting sooner rather than later part. Whenever we next hang out I'm just gonna be blunt and tell her how I feel and hope for the best. 

 

I have a bad habit of looking too far into the future and contemplating the various consequences of things and trying to adjust my current situation to prepare for the future when it's often too early to judge anything that far in advance anyways. This doesn't just go for girls, I plan the [bleep] out of everything. It's helpful in some instances but mostly annoying and something I'm trying to work on. 

 

In the meantime, I'm just gonna focus on my schoolwork and the gym. One thing at a time.

[Low Levelled]

AA meaning associate degree? Should probably tell her that everyone gets stressed out from school and that running from life's problems isn't a good strategy

[champion]

Uhhh yeah I don't think telling her that would benefit anyone. Taking a break year to reevaluate priorities is incredibly common and like I said, she's already fully expecting to go back to school. 

[RpgGamer]

I wish I took a gap year or two honestly. Probably would have dual majored or something.

[Tim]

I'm still doing my gap year, 6 years on. :v