"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Tim]

In a trash can?

[Hedgehog]

In a trash can?

No it was a reservoir. Look at the hints. No one likes reservoirs and he put a lot of emphasis on damn because reservoirs are created by dams

[muggiwhplar]

[Noxx]

I found myself with a bit more spare time than usual the past 3 weeks, so against my better judgement i decided to try my hand at the whole online dating thing. I knew exactly what to expect, but i had some hope that i might be wrong. Sadly, i wasn't.

 

The majority of the women in my area were Filipino. I have no racial qualms with them, but generally speaking Filipino women (in Qatar) carry a certain stigma with them: They're usually below average (average at the very best) looking mid-30 year old women hoping to find a middle-ages Western (White, usually American or British) man with a solid income. They don't care if you're married. They'll take advantage of the fact that men think with their genitals and come across as if they were inlove with you from the moment they laid eyes on you. They'll pretend to be hesitant about sleeping with you at first, but once they do you're completely [bleep]ed. They'll use it as blackmail. They'll force you to provide for them as if you're married. And if you don't, they threaten to go to the police and make a case against you for raping them. Even if you are found innocent of rape, chances are extremely good that you'll get deported for illicit-relations. Of course she get's deported too, but generally they rely on the fact that you won't call their bluff. 

 

Regardless of my knowledge of this, i decided to give some of the more attractive ones i could find the benefit of the doubt. I used a variety of openers and to my surprise got a much better response rate than i expected. The responses, however, were pretty on par with what i expected. The majority of them would reply with something along the lines of "Aren't you a bit too young?" or "What makes you think someone of your age could satisfy/take care of someone my age?" (since most of them has at least 5 or 6 year on me). I'd reply with something stupid like "Age is only a number" or whatever, and decided it would be in my best interest to ask them a question or two to see what their intentions are. Basically what i did was i would ask them a question, and ask that they return the favor (which is what i was really after). I tried to keep the process as brief as possible. Again, my results were as i expected. I'd ask pretty basic questions like where they're from, how long they've lived here, what line of work they're in, etc. The most common questions i got asked were what car i drive and what i do for a living. I answered these questions differently (as a "test"), and got responses accordingly. 

 

If i gave any sort of hint that i might have a bit of money, they'd seem overly eager to schedule a date.

If i made myself sound like the average student, with just enough money to keep myself alive, i'd lose interest immediately.

 

From all the Filipino women that initially replied to me, only 3 or 4 of them seemed genuine. Of them, only 1 was what i would consider to be attractive. We scheduled a date (which i was last Thursday), which lasted no more than 30 minutes. She was a lot more attractive in person, but she really had no personality. She was also a bit too touchy-feely for my liking. So after about 30 minutes (which felt a lot longer), i used the 'ol "family emergency" exit strategy.

 

 

 

The rest of the results were, again, as i expected. Girls around my age were only looking for one thing: a guy to take them out and pay for everything. Most of them were pretty straight forward too, saying that they aren't looking for anything serious, just someone to go out with and have some fun with. The end result is that you either end up in an expensive restaurant, or at a club. Either way, when the check comes they'll just sit there pretending not to notice the check until you do/say something about it. One girl opened her purse without saying anything, took out some money and said that it should cover her side. I respected that and offered to pay for her (which she accepted). She was also the only one that didn't immediately go for the more expensive options on the menu either. With two of them i had to "subtly" ask for the money with something along the lines of "this should take care of my stuff as well as the tip" to which they would sit there utterly dumb-founded as if i just announced that i'm an alien.

 

One girl offered an alternative restaurant to the one i suggested. I suggested we go to an Italian restaurant that's only slightly above average in terms of cost, and she instead suggested we go to a different Italian restaurant at one of the Hotels because "they're quality is vastly superior, and she can enjoy a glass of wine with her meal" (since Hotels are one of the only places that allow alcohol). Ironically, the restaurant she suggested is the same in terms of quality (in my opinion), but the average meal is at least double in price. She went for one of the more expensive options on the menu and along with a few glasses of whine. When the check came, my portion made up just over a third of the price, with her shit being the rest. She sat there twiddling her thumbs with no intention to contribute, so i decided to suggest we just split the check in half. Her attitude changed immediately. She made some sort of "What ever happened to chivalry, hahaha" remark to which i just responded "What ever happened to equal rights, hahaha" trying to keep the situation from escalating. Didn't really work. She took out her purse and said she didn't have any cash on her, only her debit/credit card. I think she was hoping that because of this i would just pay the entire check for the sake of convenience, but i didn't. I told the waiter at the restaurant to split the check in half and charge half of it to the card and the rest will be paid in cash. She was getting more and more annoyed by the second, but at this point i just wanted to see how far i could push it. I realised i was being a bit of a dick, but i didn't appreciate the fact that she suggested we go to a more expensive restaurant and just assume i would pay for it anyway. A minute or two later the waiter came back and told me the card was declined because of insufficient funds. So not only did she assume i would pay for her lavish mean, she expected it. Before doing anything else with the check, i asked her "Oh, by the way, so you need me to take you home after this?" Just wanted to make sure what to do next, but to my relief she said that she'll just call her driver and ask him to pick her up. If she said that i had to take her home, i would have left her some cash and suggested she take a cab, but luckily it worked out in my favor regardless. So with that, i left half of the money for the check on the table, thanked her for an interesting evening, told the waiter that she would sort out the remaining amount, and i left. About an hour or two later i got a very lengthy, very angry text from her. She started off by telling me what an [wagon] i am for leaving her stranded. She told me i was rude for expecting her to pay on a date. There was a lot of cussing, and a lot of rage. I didn't really have much to say in return aside from (something along the lines of) "Only [bleep] and/or prostitutes require you to pay for their company. I was under the assumption that you are neither and that this was a date, not an appointment. Had i known this was an "appointment" i would have rethought my decision". All in all i have to say that it was by far my favorite date out of all of them.

 

 

So, in conclusion, in more or less 19 days i went on 11 different dates. Only 1 of them actually went really well (the girl that offered to pay without any hesitation). She was really cute, easy to talk to, interesting and interested (or at least she pretended to be). I suggested a second date and she said that she'll "check her schedule". I pretty much assumed that to be a no, but she did end up asking me if i'm free during the week. We'll see how it goes from there. 

 

As a whole, i don't think online dating is the best option for this country. It's full of women looking for guys to either pay for their retirement, or pay for their clubbing and/or dining. Additionally, it's a lot more work than trying to "pick up" a girl at a club.

[Noxx]

Lmao i watched this movie about 2 days ago (after a really bad date). Hadn't watched it in years before then. The Dam scene is probably one of the best. "Where can i get some Dam(n) bait?" Cracks me up.

[Estonian dude]

Bleh, all wrong answers...

 

Woke up next to that very same girl in her bed at her place.

My freaking flatmate is a genius.

 

And it was the first time that I was pretty wasted.

[obfuscator]

@noxx looks like you dodged a gold digger

[Noxx]

@noxx looks like you dodged a gold digger

I don't mind gold diggers, but the least they can do is be a bit more subtle about it. 

[RpgGamer]

Noxx is tactful as shit. I usually caved at the "I dont have cash" line

[Low Levelled]

[bleep] the middle east

[RpgGamer]

Racist

[Boris5000]

Racist

No no. He means he want's to procreate with the entirety of the middle-east. Geez rpg, so rude :P

[Bonez899]

 

Racist

No no. He means he want's to procreate with the entirety of the middle-east. Geez rpg, so rude :P

 

I don't know... Sounds pretty dicey to do that.

(Gods of TIF, if you know what I was thinking while typing this post please no smite as it was very, very racist. Along with being cruel to animals.)

[MuffinMaddy]

Tl;dr I was annoyed that my bf seemed to lack the ability to concentrate when he was doing something for me too often than comfortably and is distracted by friends very easily

[Low Levelled]

It can be difficult balancing friends and a girlfriend. Especially if you've known/had the friends considerably longer than the girlfriend.

[obfuscator]

Nagging him about it is a good way to doom your relationship, at any rate. Next time you want to bring up something like that, ask yourself how important it really is...

[MuffinMaddy]

I completely understand. I have friends of my own. I've just been brought up to finish something before I do something else. Especially if the person I'm doing something for is important to me. I guess I'm just kind of focused and it's not easy to distract me. I didn't nag him I didn't even bring it up, he asked me what I was thinking so I asked if he has a concentration problem. I don't even care I just want to feel a little important. Because I would do the same for him.This one friend just talks a lot doesn't really know when to stop but he's still nice he is just a bit of a distraction even when my bf is trying to get work done he'll ask to play games or watch TV.

 

EDIT: I don't really need replies anymore, I took it to heart too much because I know that vice versa, he would continue doing something for someone else helping me out which is the right way, I'd do the same. But it seems that when I'm supposed to be the priority, he has a lapse in focus.

 

It is literally the principle that annoyed me more than the action.

I am patient and can wait for things, but its more that I feel his friends get his attention or dedication at a finger click but I can't hold it for more than 10 mins without his mind wandering off when someone else starts talking.

[RpgGamer]

Do you plan on marrying this guy? Cause you've been with him quite a while now and generally when you speak of him, you dont seem all that happy

[Estonian dude]

Because people generally don't post here when everything is going fine.

I am an exception who keeps reporting everything and sometimes it seems to me, at least, like this forum has been my blog for last ~4 years.

[RpgGamer]

As long as you can make sense of all the vague half stories lol

[Nom]

Maddy, you're a champ for being so patient, but this very clearly bothers you and it would probably benefit you to take a step back and think about whether it's worth the effort. You're doing a lot for him in the form of swallowing your own needs and desires, and while that is necessary to a certain extent in any relationship, there comes a point at which you need to recognize that you're perfectly within your rights to want things from him that he's not giving.

 

What does he do for you? If you're completely honest with yourself, are those things enough? If they're not, is he willing or able to change for you? You can't make anyone change, but if you don't feel he's putting in the effort that you put in for him and you're not okay with that, this probably isn't a relationship you want to be in.

[Estonian dude]

I'm fairly certain I remember everything I have written in this thread.

Actually, gonna read my older posts here, see what I have done :D

[MuffinMaddy]

Maddy, you're a champ for being so patient, but this very clearly bothers you and it would probably benefit you to take a step back and think about whether it's worth the effort. You're doing a lot for him in the form of swallowing your own needs and desires, and while that is necessary to a certain extent in any relationship, there comes a point at which you need to recognize that you're perfectly within your rights to want things from him that he's not giving.

 

What does he do for you? If you're completely honest with yourself, are those things enough? If they're not, is he willing or able to change for you? You can't make anyone change, but if you don't feel he's putting in the effort that you put in for him and you're not okay with that, this probably isn't a relationship you want to be in.

Crazily long post, be warned. [hide]Patience isn't in my nature, so I'm learning everyday. The thing is I tried to word it so I didn't look like a demanding, jealous [bleep] because I'm not. I am not jealous of anybody in his life in any way. I just have strict boundaries on what's appropriate and what's not from my point of view. And even though I have these boundaries I would never ever use them to be authoritative. I really believe we're different people living different lives and I sometimes struggle to see what goes through his head. In any given situation, I know I would prioritise him over anyone other than my family really. I would think of him before me in a lot of situations and then hopefully do the best thing for us both. He is trying to help me get confidence back and he looks after me when I'm sick and when I'm not and he cares about me deeply. He does take care of me to the best of his ability. And I do rate that. However, I do sometimes feel he's not attentive when there's competition for his attention. I agree it's tough balancing two or more people talking to him at once, but I feel like if I was talking to him first, the minute there's a distraction, what I was saying becomes irrelevant, or what we were doing. But I know if his friends were talking and I came in with something to say, he would do the appropriate thing of waiting for them to finish before talking to me.

I just don't know why he doesn't do it universally. Maybe it's because we're going out, so "Maddy can wait" and it's true, I can absolutely wait, but it's the principle that in general situations like that, if what we're doing is of equal importance to the distraction that a friend is providing, then I think he should finish what he was doing first. I just don't see why there's such an urgency to be attentive to everybody else but me. Finishing something with me 2 seconds longer will not impact the length or depth of discussion you will have with a friend albeit 2 seconds later than expected. He's told me he likes to please people, and I think that's where some of the problem originates. He doesn't realise that holding trivial conversations or activities off for another 5 minutes won't upset his friends and if it does, it's quite poor of anybody to hold that against anybody in my opinion. A lot of the time, nobody needs him immediately and if they did and it was an emergency I'd understand. I can't even really hold his friends responsible for distracting him because he's 20, I'd think he's mature enough and has the capacity to prioritise things when the need arises.

 

There's a lot I could divulge but I'll only divulge a pressing issue although it's a harmless issue.

I can be irrational, I'll admit. However, when it comes to my relationship I think I am a lot more rational than a fair few people that I know.

So last year, there was a girl who was a friend of my boyfriend and she was lovely when I met her, slightly irritating in the sense that the first meal I cooked, she felt the need to comment "That looks like a lot of carbohydrate and fat" when I didn't ask her for that information.. However, I put my first impression behind me. I got along with her quite well although I had noticed she is quite attention seeking with boys around and that behaviour is personally a pet hate of mine; people who seemingly go out of their way for attention. One of the ways this happened was that she started ranting about how fat she felt in front of my boyfriend and his male friends on more than one occasion. Maybe she wanted reassurance but it became a thing where all the boys would say "Oh no you're not fat" not even out of politeness but out of the genuine fact that she just isn't fat. Girls are insecure right, but why would you draw attention to your weight or the topic of weight in general if you're that worried about it? She often brought up weight in random conversation like going around telling friends including my bf if they've put on or lost weight. Weight is one of my main insecurities but I don't think just because I'm insecure about it, people shouldn't talk about it. I'm just uncomfortable with it needlessly being brought up as weight is one of the things my bf laughed at about me with his friends in the first place, so it's normal for me to be a bit bristly on the topic. So after this she became weed obsessed and keen on trying weed. Again, I have no problems with people smoking weed, I just don't really like the promotion of it as "something to make you cool" if you smoke it and she asked people if they wanted to try it and people agreed, I didn't but my boyfriend did. He's his own person, this didn't bother me as he'd never tried it before. I had personal reasons for not wanting to try it with them. So they tried it and he stupidly drank cans of alcohol at the same time, had a bad reaction and threw up as I looked after him. I was uncomfortable as I was the only 'sober' person present and obviously the people who were high began laughing at me and asking if I hated them and seeing my reaction as me disliking them all. In the morning I spoke to him about the stupidity of drinking during your first time and I honestly thought I couldn't really trust him to take care of himself. I was quite frustrated in the sense that I felt that if he has no common sense with something like that, then what would he have done if I wasn't there. Everyone was too high to take care of him. He then said he wouldn't do it again, or at least not for a while. A few days later the girl asked him in front of me if he'd try it, he said no. I think she thought I was controlling him or that he was saying no because of me. She asked him again without me being there and he wavered but retained his no, saying "no I don't have money ". This gives off the impression that I was behind it when I may have had influence. My mother wasn't overly keen on the prospect of being with someone who had taken weed. Anyway I thought it was a bit underhand of the girl to ask him when she asked everybody else and people who had said no weren't asked again. Maybe she thought she could persuade him; regardless, saying no isn't weak, it's not strong either, it's nothing, it's just a decision that people should respect. You can do weed yourself, my bf doesn't need to do it with you. I hate the feeling of putting pressure on somebody.. You're friends because you get along and have fun together, not because of drugs. My bf's main concern was me coming off bristly to his friends who were high and he was more scared about the impression I gave off....

 

My only association with them is simply that they're his friends, I don't care how I come off to them. I have friends of my own. I am purely only in their vicinity because of him, so I don't see why his biggest concern is not that he seems to give into things too easily, or wants to "please" people, but how I come off.

So anyway fast forward a little bit, I've seen this girl talk about 'pulling' guys and having competitions with her friend of how many guys she can kiss in a night. Boys do the same thing, it's not my style but I could see she enjoys male attention and actively seeks it. I'm sure it's nice to feel attractive and I understand that. Great, again, didn't bother me but there was a night out where I suppose they were tipsy and the boys in my boyfriend's friendship were daring each other to slap her bum. She's an attractive girl, everyone thought she was 'out of bounds' so I suppose that might have been the challenge to see if they could get away with it. I don't really like that kind of behaviour but I understand it's just what boys can be like. So they slapped her bum and she'd turn around not knowing who it was. Then the boys dared my boyfriend to do it, and to my absolute shock, he slapped her bum and I did take it quite badly. Yes, a moment of stupidity, but I felt as if I was grossly disrespected in that moment. He went home feeling awful that he'd upset me and I do know people who could break up with someone for that. I don't feel like he really gets punished for his stupid decisions and sometimes there are consequences for doing silly things. Anyway yeah I was pretty mad and he then told his friends about it and they made out like I was making a big deal over nothing. It's because I told him that behaviour was "disgusting" because I'm really not a fan of brash 'lad culture' and I was ashamed he treated a woman like that. Not least because he is in a relationship but generally I'm very turned off by guys with that kind of attitude. His friends said disgusting was a strong word, they must have meant I was calling the girl disgusting because I wasn't, it was the behaviour that I deemed that way. So moving forward - one of the most painful things in relation to this girl was that I was with my bf sitting outside waiting for a live band to perform that he said he was interesting and the girl and two other of his friends walked past, saw him and inevitably hugged and greeted him. The girl completely ignored my presence but the other friends did smile and say hi to me. Even though we were clearly together and by that token, occupied, she asked him to come and play pool. I wasn't actually formally asked to come so I felt a bit snubbed by the fact that not only does she ignore me but asks my boyfriend to do something else whilst he is clearly with his girlfriend and I know she doesn't do that to any of her friends that are in relationships and sitting with their partners. So I was thrown by the request, and even more upset when he did actually just go and play pool leaving me to decide whether to just sit alone or come along without feeling welcome. I then went to the pool room as I was with nobody anyway whilst he played and the girl still didn't acknowledge my presence. We may not be best friends but it is common courtesy. Another time when we were sitting in the bar doing a quiz and she was lacking in male attention at the time, she threw a drink at my boyfriend in a playful, but subtly flirty manner to get his attention. I was irked by it because I know girls, I know how girls behave. I know what flirting even if it's subtle is. I think there are boundaries, even I don't throw drinks at my boyfriend like that. There's a level of comfort you have to be at to do that and if I'm not at that level, then she sure as hell shouldn't be. She's subtle about it so people don't translate it as flirting because she's likeable but it is. Very sly and there's no intent meant by it but it still gets my attention. I don't know if she's trying to wind me up or just blissfully unaware. I am assuming nothing.

 

I mentioned it to him without being overly overbearing and he said "Oh she just likes attention" "Oh I don't remember it happening" "You think she'd flirt in front of her boyfriend?" "Oh girls just hate girls" but what it is, is this kick out of male attention that some girls like. He's always willing to make excuses for other peoples' behaviour and paint me as the crazy irrational girlfriend which I'm not. Either way I'll never attack the girl for it, you can't control how people behave, but you can make your partner aware. I just find fighting over a man quite tacky, and it's just something I would never engage in. The girl owes me nothing, but the boy does owe me his loyalty. I think she's flirty and attention seeking because she knows she can get away with it in a group primarily of boys who don't see the behaviour for what it is because she's attractive. And that doesn't annoy me. I see straight through it. But what is annoying is the blatant disrespect towards me for no reason. If she wants my boyfriend's attention, say his name, wave at him, but you don't need to go out of your way to draw attention to yourself just because you can get away with it.

 

Whenever I talk to him about him not being attentive he'll downplay it and say "I was only talking to a friend" or when I mentioned him ditching me to play pool he said "I'm just playing pool with friends what's the big deal". He makes me come off as if I'm jealous of his friends when that isn't the case. It's the principle, not the activity ; which is inherently harmless. He says I don't respect him but I think that he means I don't value him because I sure as hell wouldn't do these things to him. Is respecting me slapping another girl's bum in my presence? Or ditching me at the first instance when someone offers something else for you to do instead of sitting with me? He'll make excuses "Oh I'm sure she doesn't know what she's doing" just because she's a friend. I won't make excuses for my friends or other people's behaviour. Unless you're responsible for moving their jaw to saw negative things or moving their limbs to control their actions, then he shouldn't be taking responsibility for what they do. To be fair, we don't know if she does or doesn't, so I don't think it's fair to say either possibility. I've just learnt not to give people the benefit of the doubt as easily as that's the mistake I made with my bf in the first place..

 

There are some things that I want to make clear.

I'm 99.85% sure she does not like my boyfriend in a romantic capacity.

She is just attention seeking and flirty but it is more an annoyance than harmful.

 

I am definitely not jealous because there are a lot of attractive girls who go to this university and interact with my boyfriend, including some of my friends, and including a girl he's liked before me and she has also liked him but they were flatmates and chose not to pursue a relationship and they talk quite a lot. I think she's a great person. I just don't like that this other girl is going out of her way to seek his attention (she does do it with all boys) but I'm sure she wouldn't be happy if I did the same thing with her boyfriend. I respect boundaries and when somebody is in a relationship, I make no attempt to disrespect that person's partner with my behaviour.

[/hide]

 Do you plan on marrying this guy? Cause you've been with him quite a while now and generally when you speak of him, you dont seem all that happy

Not getting married for a while yet so he has years to change, as do I. There are things I could work on, like not taking things to heart so much or caring too much when only he will bear the consequences of his silly decisions in the end.

[RpgGamer]

Your boyfriend's female friend sounds like a straight [bleep], Maddy. Fun, but not fun for a girl like yourself. I'm overstepping my boundaries as an internet stranger here but I dont think its worth dating your boyfriend any longer to you. You have radically different opinions on respectful behavior. He acts in ways that you dont approve of. His friends dont accept you. You cant hold onto a relationship hoping it'll get better forever. Better is out there. But its not with this guy. He sounds like the kind of fella that made best friends and made them for life. His ideal relationship scenario is someone that effortlessly fits into that group. And you just don't seem like the kind of gal to jump into the butt slapping contest. Theres nothing wrong with that fact, but I think you'd find yourself with a much wholesome happiness without him and the situations he puts you in. And maybe he'd be happier too without having to second guess every choic ehe's presented with for the sake of his relationship. Y'all are 20.Unless you plan on getting married, I think its time to experience something/one new and different

[muggiwhplar]

 

Do you plan on marrying this guy? Cause you've been with him quite a while now and generally when you speak of him, you dont seem all that happy

Not getting married for a while yet so he has years to change, as do I. There are things I could work on, like not taking things to heart so much or caring too much when only he will bear the consequences of his silly decisions in the end.

 

Don't hold your breath :P People change slowly over time, yeah, but within the context of relationships that change usually isn't favorable.