"I want a girlfriend/boyfriend", and other such relationship advice

[Lenticular_J]

I guess it's the fact that in person I have to give answers in real time, and perhaps I just need time to formulate a response.

 

Now that I think of it, that does sound like something that can be solved with practice. And I have all summer to practice.

It isn't like you can't take your time to respond in real-life. It is the mark of a gentleman to think before you speak.

[RpgGamer]

Right now, I really don't know what to do...

 

I currently have a girlfriend of about four months. She's expecting me to take it further- we even got into an argument about it, which I found idiotic in itself- and I really, really don't want to. I'm not ready for something like that yet. But, at the same time, I think I'm losing interest in the... female gender. I don't know if this feeling is caused by not wanting to go that far with her and just overall confusion, or what. I'm wondering if I should, well, give into these feelings and try something out, but the idea doesn't seem too appealing to me atm. :/

I have no idea what to do right now.

 

Eh, I've gone though a phase where women we're not all that interesting. For me it was just an environment thing [slim pickin's if you catch my drift]. But who knows? I'm not you. I'm not in your head. Thi sis something you're going to have to experiment with for a while to truly figure out.

[Mirror]

I guess it's the fact that in person I have to give answers in real time, and perhaps I just need time to formulate a response.

 

Now that I think of it, that does sound like something that can be solved with practice. And I have all summer to practice.

It isn't like you can't take your time to respond in real-life. It is the mark of a gentleman to think before you speak.

I would have to agree with this. Definitely think before you speak, but also think on your experiences of talking with your friends, when you are able to hold a conversation. Just understanding gives you an advantage most people don't realize. You'll be fine. :)

[muggiwhplar]

Alright, I probably haven't posted on these forums in about a year, let alone this topic. But you guys are the most helpful people I feel I can talk to, and I'm glad that I'm still a member of these forums.

 

This isn't really a problem with relationships as you guys have been talking about for the past several pages. Hell, I could care less about hooking up with women right now, and I probably won't until I'm in college (unless of course I meet a women I just naturally connect with, and just let the relationship run its course). I guess I'm asking this here because it's about my relationship with everyone. My friends, my peers, family, and even myself. I could write a really long story which would give you some good background information, and might help somebody figure this out. But I'll just stick to the basics to avoid an overly-long post. I apologize in advance if this seems unorganized or difficult to follow; I haven't really planned this out, I'm just typing what rolls off my mind.

 

I've been bottling this up for 2 years, and any opportunity I've found to squeeze off a little of the pressure has failed miserably, leading to depression until the next day.

 

I used to be a fun and social person. I have no idea what happened or where it went. All I remember is that it began to happen at the beginning of my sophomore year. A simple fluke in my schedule perhaps, which conflicted with those of my friends. I don't know, but I became less interactive for that one semester. One would think that it shouldn't have much effect, but I found myself with lower self-esteem and confidence that made it difficult for me to communicate with others. I realized that I'm not having nearly as much fun as anybody else, and I began to spend all my time outside of school at home. I became afraid to go out. After a while of that, I guess everything else lost interest in me, because they thought I lost an interest in them. This might sound like typical social anxiety to any of you, but it's dug itself so deep into my life that it'll take more than a few encouraging words to get it out. It's seems as if it's affected my personality.

 

I have trouble even speaking to people. I've discovered that this could be the basis of all my problems, but I don't know how to fix it. Let me explain. It seems that when I'm talking to nearly anyone, I literally can't think of what to say in a conversation. This results in me giving very few responses and eventually just "yup" or "mhmm", until the other person seems to lose interest and any communication stops there. I never recall having this problem in my earlier years, and I have no idea what to do about it. I feel that if I let this go unanswered it will cause me major problems for the rest of my life. I could have great interest in the person or what they're talking about, but it might not seem like it to them because I just can't come up with anything to say.

 

Let me give you an example, that stems from one of the biggest regrets in my life. Mind you that this will be very difficult to describe without giving a very long background story. I have an older sister and two older brothers, all of whom I love dearly. My two oldest brothers are significantly older than me (5 and 7 years), so they got along best with each other growing up. They were like best friends. When my oldest brother left for the Air Force, the other stayed close to home, going to college. I have to be careful describing this next part, not to get it wrong. He became not just my older brother, but my brother. He's a very interesting and funny person, and I looked up to him greatly. He was gracious enough to take me along on some of his adventures, and i loved it, but because of that one simple problem I described above, it was like he was dragging me along against my will. I feel that he took it the wrong way and thought I wasn't interested in him. Now he left for the Air Force and I'm stuck with a lot of unresolved issues.

 

This is one of many examples of what this has done to my life. I have a ton of other social issues as a result of this, but I truly believe that if I can find a way to solve this, I can begin working on myself. But I don't know how. It's such a simple problem, but I don't know what to do about it.

 

That might have been a long read for what I'm trying to say, but I want to make sure I got my point across. How do I talk to people? When I'm in a conversation, how do I know what I should say next? I might know how I should respond, but I just don't what to say... How can I avoid awkward situations and have healthy communication with others? How can I avoid seeming invisible, so I can finally just go out and have a normal interesting life...

 

It's called social anxiety-- I had it for an unfortunately long period of my life. It'll take a long time to improve yourself, but it's a fun and rewarding journey. The best way to do it is to surround yourself with friends. More specifically, you should constantly try to hang out with people whom you admire, and people whom you get along very well with. If you want to become more social, start spending as much time as possible with the most social person you know. Their characteristics will begin to rub off on you without you even knowing. You'll indirectly become more social just by spending time with them.

 

The more comfortable you become with yourself, the more comfortable you'll become around others. To start becoming closer to others, try to think of how you act around people you're already comfortable with. If I'm with my family in the car and it's dead silent, it isn't awkward. When you meet someone new and a silence occurs, do you find it awkward? Learn to become comfortable in otherwise awkward situations. Your aloofness will make it less awkward for the other person. Sometimes they'll break the silence for you.

 

I also never drank alcohol till I got to college. I noticed when I was drunk, I would transform into the fully-matured person who I strove to become. As time went on, the transformation became less and less dramatic. Now, there's little-to-no change in my personality when I'm drunk. The only difference between my sober and drunk self is that while drunk, boring situations become a lot more fun and entertaining. My sober self is now the same person as the fully-matured person I would evolve into when I was drunk.

 

Maintaining a conversation isn't always too easy-- it just becomes easier w/ more and more experience. The other day I had a girlfriend over to my apartment and we were alone on the couch when a silence hit. If she wasn't dating one of my friends it would've been an opportunity for me to make a move :P but that was not the case-- it was just dead silent and I didn't really mind. I've learned to not be bothered by those awkward silences when conversations stop and observe how the other person decides to handle it. I'm not saying it's the best way to handle the situation, but it's definitely better than being uncomfortable, nervous, and avoiding people altogether because of such fears.

 

[hide=How I conquered my social anxiety w/o drugs or a shrink]As a kid, I was always kind of shy, but I still had a ton of close friends and was very popular in school. When I was 12 years old, I moved to a different state and I was extremely bitter about having to say goodbye to all of the friends I had made-- I didn't want to make new friends, I found it easier to be alone and sulk. As a result, I developed social anxiety which lasted for the next six years of my life.

 

I got into a relationship my sophomore year and it lasted until the summer of my senior year before moving to college. That was the best thing I had going for me in my life at the time, so when it ended I was devastated. That was the longest summer of my life. I purposely chose to go to college back in my hometown so I could reconnect with old friends and start improving my life.

 

I saw college as a fresh start and an opportunity to learn from all of my previous experiences and mistakes, and to start improving myself. I figured if I just lived in the dorms with a random roommate, I'd have the ability to stay in my room all day and avoid social interaction. Because of this, I joined a fraternity so I'd be forced to make a bunch of new friends. Moving back to my hometown to go to college was probably the 2nd-best decision of my life. Joining my fraternity was the best decision of my life. All of the people I met were so friendly-- they treated me with the utmost kindness and respect. There was such a variety of people who were all mature in their own different ways-- there were guys who could get any girl they wanted, guys that could benchpress double their bodyweight, guys who had a 4.0 college GPA and had never gotten a B in their life. Basically for every personal goal I had, there was someone in the house who had already mastered that aspect and could help guide me towards my goal.

 

Because of this, I learned that the first step in improving myself was to swallow all of my pride and basically humble myself in any situation where I'd otherwise be nervous. At the peak of my social anxiety I'd be terrified of asking strangers questions for fear of being seen as stupid. Instead, I reframed such situations as myself being the student, and the other person being the teacher. I basically assumed the role of the humble learner, rather than trying to pretend I was good at things I wasn't. It worked out very well...

 

The first close friend I made was a total ladies-man. He can say anything he wants to any girl and she'll melt. He would always wander into my room and we'd play video games for hours in the afternoon after classes. He was a total "natural"-- he didn't give a [cabbage] about what others thought of him. When I first met him, I was shocked at some of the things he'd say to girls and how positively they'd react to him. If I had said the same things, I'd get slapped. Though after knowing him for two years now, I could do the same things he does and get much better results than I would have two years ago :)

 

The second close friend I made was the strongest, toughest guy in the house. Nobody [bleep]ed with him-- everybody was afraid of making him mad for fear of getting their ass kicked, despite the fact that he's not a bully. Quite the contrary-- he weighs about 180 lbs, looks like he only weighs 150 lbs, and can benchpress 360 lbs. His philosophy: "Would you rather be underestimated or overestimated? What's the point of looking ripped if you're not as strong as you look? What are you going to do if someone picks on your friends and you can't protect them?" Basically he got me into bodybuilding-- after my first year of training with him, I could benchpress 80 lbs more than I could when I started. Being fit and healthy significantly boosted my mood and self-confidence. My long-term bodybuilding goal is to be able to lift double my bodyweight. Hopefully I'll have completed that by the time I graduate.

 

The third close friend I made is also very friendly and outgoing. He's got a very unique sense of humor which is the main reason why people like him-- basically he's known for being very obnoxious. Yet, not obnoxious in a disrespectful way-- rather, in a way to laugh at the things he does. Anybody ever watch Jackass on MTV? Think of things along the lines of that-- except he doesn't really do stupid things, and people laugh with him-- not at him. Speaking of Jackass, though-- we both own a pair of tear-away pants for when we decide to go "partyboying": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5i2eZPtvloE :D I've become much more social with strangers after hanging out with him-- it's really easy for me to talk to people now because I have strong sense of self and how I appear to others. It's kind of like a role I've created for myself, and most people I meet respond positively to the role. If the person responds negatively, they aren't the kind of person I want to get to know better.

 

Thus, after living with these guys for two years, their personalities started to rub off on me. I became more outgoing and social just by hanging out with them. That probably wouldn't have happened if I had just met them at school and went to hang out with them a couple of times a week. Psychological studies have demonstrated a strong correlation between the amount of time spent with someone and how much you like them. So if you get along well with someone and you spend all your time with them, you'll become very close to them. If you don't like someone, you'll like them less the more time you spend with them. This principle applies to attracting women too btw ;)

 

Because of the friends I have made at college, the person I am now is a completely different person than the person I was in high school. You could say that moving to college killed the anti-social part of me, and joining my fraternity and making new friends put the final nails in his coffin. Two years ago I was lonely and afraid. This summer I've had friends over to my new apartment to come go to the pool and/or party almost every night since my lease started. Life is good :)[/hide]

[nine naked men]

You could try speaking with people through things like Skype/Ventrilo using mics and stuff, as well, as kind of like a transitory thing.

[Omar]

This may or may not help, but I've found smiling to total strangers on the bus or while walking down the street helps me. I don't know, it makes me happy and comfortable, especially if they smile back.

[Tim_Finch]

Wow Muggi, that's a really encouraging story :grin: I don't think self help will be as hard as i thought it would be, and I can tell I've already started to take some of those steps.

 

And I've too noticed that on the few occasions that I drink I would feel much more matured, and it was like everything was so easy. And even if it might be quiet or an otherwise awkward situation, I was completely comfortable with it.

 

Thanks a lot everyone. I think it's time to stop sitting around on my ass moping.

[Omar]

Wow Muggi, that's a really encouraging story :grin: I don't think self help will be as hard as i thought it would be, and I can tell I've already started to take some of those steps.

 

And I've too noticed that on the few occasions that I drink I would feel much more matured, and it was like everything was so easy. And even if it might be quiet or an otherwise awkward situation, I was completely comfortable with it.

 

Thanks a lot everyone. I think it's time to stop sitting around on my ass moping.

 

Aw, this is kind of touching.

[Furah]

Muggi, this thread clearly needs you.

[Omar]

*basks in the glory of being right about muggi*

I didn't give much meaningful advice so that's all I can do.

[Lenin64]

Story time, ladies and gentlemen. It's a fairly good one.

 

Some of you may recall that quite some time back, I wasn't a very social guy and had absolutely 0 luck with the ladies. Somehow, quite inexplicably, actually, I somewhat recently stepped out of the shell. I realized that the only thing holding me back was myself, and even started talking to girls. Not a whole lot, mind you, but some-enough, really. With that, I only ever tried to start anything with one girl, but she did not return my sentiments. I took it pretty well, though, and it didn't really faze my confidence, but this isn't about her. It's about a girl before, yet after her.

 

I have to step back a moment, back the 7th grade of all places. This is where I first met the girl that is to be the subject of this tale of intrigue and mystery. She was in my science class, a place where I pretty quickly made my reputation as "the smart guy" and made an impression on just about everyone there, including her. She also rode my bus and, to this very day, lives but two blocks away down the street. We didn't talk a whole lot back then-the occasional word, but not much else--and she was embroiled in some pretty heavy drug [cabbage]. In fact, for my first year or so of high school I thought she was dead until she appeared in my sophmore gym class, all cleaned up by this time. I don't really remember most of that year for some reason, but she did still ride my bus, though sitting more towards the back while I opted for the more strategically oriented front portion.

 

Then she turned up again this past year in my senior english class, again still riding the same bus as well. Now, for most of the time I had known her I didn't think too much of her, especially the rather dark first impressions I had of her, where I would overhear stories of ambulances and ODs and whatnot. But now she had cleaned herself up and I had done my own sort of growth and started feeling otherwise. "Surely though", I thought, "she can't have remembered who I am after all the time we've been out of contact!" Wrong, Mr. Lenin, very wrong. At some point very early on in the year the class was in the computer lab and by random chance we were seated at adjacent computers. I don't really think much of it, ever the focused pupil, but she did something that rather astounded me: she struck up comversation. Turns out she did remember me from way back when, even that I did in fact live right up the street. I forget the rest of the details, but she did mention that she was signing up for the ASVAB. As I was doing the same, we discussed that, what branch of service, etc. and ended class with a sort of "See you in November" (for the test).

 

Nothing much came of that; although we did see each other then, it wasn't exactly a time to talk and at some point 'round December she dropped the class or switched out or something. Then it happened. She started sitting up closer on the bus, and several times was in the very next seat over. But seeing as this was a month or so before my own revolutionary idea, I couldn't quite get up the nerve to speak to her. By the time I had, she had stopped riding the bus, and so had I, neccessity dictating that I drive to school most days. And so it was that she dropped nearly entirely from my sight. I still saw her some days at lunch, but she was with her people and I with mine, and I had other feminine interests (one in particular, described at the beginning) and didn't make contact again.

 

Snap back to the present, to around last Wednesday. Having fully put all the other girls that eluded me behind me, I happened to catch sight of my lady during Graduation practice, and that's when it hit me. We could work. She was always sort of in the very back of my mind, but with graduation approaching, what better time could there be? Graduation day, however, it became immediately apparant that I as not going to find her in the massive crowd of people and so lost my chance. Now I'm just wondering, "how can I try this out?" While, yes, she does live just a few blocks away, and yes, she does know who I am, but what I'm lacking is a means to a foothold. I don't suppose I could very well, after some months of absence, just knock on her door and say, "what's up?", and on occassions when I walk past that area I never see anyone on the whole street out of their houses. Save for a chance encounter somewhere, which would have pretty much the same effect for any other stranger I may encounter, I have no way to connect to her. Cruel fate, indeed.

 

Add onto that the doubt, the quesion of "do I really want her, or just something, anything at all, and she would just be convenient?" Hell, I don't know too much about her, besides that she's one of those literature, potentially artsy people. Maybe I just saw her in that crowd once and thought I just had to do something with someone and she was in view.

 

In summary: I've known this girl on-and-off over the course of six years and have lived practically next door to her, and now that I can finally ask her out, I have no means to do so without being really creepy (which doesn't help as I'm actually somewhat creepy in person simply by nature. Hence my perfect no-hitter thus far).

[RpgGamer]

Lenin, the border line between romanticsim and creepyness is very very thin. If you want her, go get her. end of story. stop [bleep]ing around.

 

 

Muggi. You're story is an inspriration. Please, do return to this thread from time to time. We need more posts like that.

[Zygimantas]

Lenin, the border line between romanticsim and creepyness is very very thin.

It all the depends on the person, their feelings toward you and how confident you seem. You could make something romantic seem creepy if you get all hot and nervous doing it.

[RpgGamer]

Lenin, the border line between romanticsim and creepyness is very very thin.

It all the depends on the person, their feelings toward you and how confident you seem. You could make something romantic seem creepy if you get all hot and nervous doing it.

 

 

my point exactly. You can do the same action twice on different relationship scenarios. In one, it'll be the perfect romantic maneuver. The other, it could make you look like a fool. But Lenin is running out of time. He's got nothing to lose. He's in a do or die. Gotta try something

[Lenin64]

Lenin, the border line between romanticsim and creepyness is very very thin.

It all the depends on the person, their feelings toward you and how confident you seem. You could make something romantic seem creepy if you get all hot and nervous doing it.

 

 

my point exactly. You can do the same action twice on different relationship scenarios. In one, it'll be the perfect romantic maneuver. The other, it could make you look like a fool. But Lenin is running out of time. He's got nothing to lose. He's in a do or die. Gotta try something

I see your point here. As I've told myself several times, worst case scenario is nothing changes. Besides, if I fail, not like I'll see her again anyway. [bleep] it, I'm going for it. Thanks man.

[Zygimantas]

Lenin, the border line between romanticsim and creepyness is very very thin.

It all the depends on the person, their feelings toward you and how confident you seem. You could make something romantic seem creepy if you get all hot and nervous doing it.

 

 

my point exactly. You can do the same action twice on different relationship scenarios. In one, it'll be the perfect romantic maneuver. The other, it could make you look like a fool. But Lenin is running out of time. He's got nothing to lose. He's in a do or die. Gotta try something

I see your point here. As I've told myself several times, worst case scenario is nothing changes. Besides, if I fail, not like I'll see her again anyway. [bleep] it, I'm going for it. Thanks man.

Yea, and thats the type of a mentality you should always have with girls, after all its the risks that will get you farther in life then anything else.

[Wavemasta]

[hide]It's called social anxiety-- I had it for an unfortunately long period of my life. It'll take a long time to improve yourself, but it's a fun and rewarding journey. The best way to do it is to surround yourself with friends. More specifically, you should constantly try to hang out with people whom you admire, and people whom you get along very well with. If you want to become more social, start spending as much time as possible with the most social person you know. Their characteristics will begin to rub off on you without you even knowing. You'll indirectly become more social just by spending time with them.

 

The more comfortable you become with yourself, the more comfortable you'll become around others. To start becoming closer to others, try to think of how you act around people you're already comfortable with. If I'm with my family in the car and it's dead silent, it isn't awkward. When you meet someone new and a silence occurs, do you find it awkward? Learn to become comfortable in otherwise awkward situations. Your aloofness will make it less awkward for the other person. Sometimes they'll break the silence for you.

 

I also never drank alcohol till I got to college. I noticed when I was drunk, I would transform into the fully-matured person who I strove to become. As time went on, the transformation became less and less dramatic. Now, there's little-to-no change in my personality when I'm drunk. The only difference between my sober and drunk self is that while drunk, boring situations become a lot more fun and entertaining. My sober self is now the same person as the fully-matured person I would evolve into when I was drunk.

 

Maintaining a conversation isn't always too easy-- it just becomes easier w/ more and more experience. The other day I had a girlfriend over to my apartment and we were alone on the couch when a silence hit. If she wasn't dating one of my friends it would've been an opportunity for me to make a move :P but that was not the case-- it was just dead silent and I didn't really mind. I've learned to not be bothered by those awkward silences when conversations stop and observe how the other person decides to handle it. I'm not saying it's the best way to handle the situation, but it's definitely better than being uncomfortable, nervous, and avoiding people altogether because of such fears.

[/hide]

 

[hide=How I conquered my social anxiety w/o drugs or a shrink]As a kid, I was always kind of shy, but I still had a ton of close friends and was very popular in school. When I was 12 years old, I moved to a different state and I was extremely bitter about having to say goodbye to all of the friends I had made-- I didn't want to make new friends, I found it easier to be alone and sulk. As a result, I developed social anxiety which lasted for the next six years of my life.

 

I got into a relationship my sophomore year and it lasted until the summer of my senior year before moving to college. That was the best thing I had going for me in my life at the time, so when it ended I was devastated. That was the longest summer of my life. I purposely chose to go to college back in my hometown so I could reconnect with old friends and start improving my life.

 

I saw college as a fresh start and an opportunity to learn from all of my previous experiences and mistakes, and to start improving myself. I figured if I just lived in the dorms with a random roommate, I'd have the ability to stay in my room all day and avoid social interaction. Because of this, I joined a fraternity so I'd be forced to make a bunch of new friends. Moving back to my hometown to go to college was probably the 2nd-best decision of my life. Joining my fraternity was the best decision of my life. All of the people I met were so friendly-- they treated me with the utmost kindness and respect. There was such a variety of people who were all mature in their own different ways-- there were guys who could get any girl they wanted, guys that could benchpress double their bodyweight, guys who had a 4.0 college GPA and had never gotten a B in their life. Basically for every personal goal I had, there was someone in the house who had already mastered that aspect and could help guide me towards my goal.

 

Because of this, I learned that the first step in improving myself was to swallow all of my pride and basically humble myself in any situation where I'd otherwise be nervous. At the peak of my social anxiety I'd be terrified of asking strangers questions for fear of being seen as stupid. Instead, I reframed such situations as myself being the student, and the other person being the teacher. I basically assumed the role of the humble learner, rather than trying to pretend I was good at things I wasn't. It worked out very well...

 

The first close friend I made was a total ladies-man. He can say anything he wants to any girl and she'll melt. He would always wander into my room and we'd play video games for hours in the afternoon after classes. He was a total "natural"-- he didn't give a [cabbage] about what others thought of him. When I first met him, I was shocked at some of the things he'd say to girls and how positively they'd react to him. If I had said the same things, I'd get slapped. Though after knowing him for two years now, I could do the same things he does and get much better results than I would have two years ago :)

 

The second close friend I made was the strongest, toughest guy in the house. Nobody [bleep]ed with him-- everybody was afraid of making him mad for fear of getting their ass kicked, despite the fact that he's not a bully. Quite the contrary-- he weighs about 180 lbs, looks like he only weighs 150 lbs, and can benchpress 360 lbs. His philosophy: "Would you rather be underestimated or overestimated? What's the point of looking ripped if you're not as strong as you look? What are you going to do if someone picks on your friends and you can't protect them?" Basically he got me into bodybuilding-- after my first year of training with him, I could benchpress 80 lbs more than I could when I started. Being fit and healthy significantly boosted my mood and self-confidence. My long-term bodybuilding goal is to be able to lift double my bodyweight. Hopefully I'll have completed that by the time I graduate.

 

The third close friend I made is also very friendly and outgoing. He's got a very unique sense of humor which is the main reason why people like him-- basically he's known for being very obnoxious. Yet, not obnoxious in a disrespectful way-- rather, in a way to laugh at the things he does. Anybody ever watch Jackass on MTV? Think of things along the lines of that-- except he doesn't really do stupid things, and people laugh with him-- not at him. Speaking of Jackass, though-- we both own a pair of tear-away pants for when we decide to go "partyboying": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5i2eZPtvloE :D I've become much more social with strangers after hanging out with him-- it's really easy for me to talk to people now because I have strong sense of self and how I appear to others. It's kind of like a role I've created for myself, and most people I meet respond positively to the role. If the person responds negatively, they aren't the kind of person I want to get to know better.

 

Thus, after living with these guys for two years, their personalities started to rub off on me. I became more outgoing and social just by hanging out with them. That probably wouldn't have happened if I had just met them at school and went to hang out with them a couple of times a week. Psychological studies have demonstrated a strong correlation between the amount of time spent with someone and how much you like them. So if you get along well with someone and you spend all your time with them, you'll become very close to them. If you don't like someone, you'll like them less the more time you spend with them. This principle applies to attracting women too btw ;)

 

Because of the friends I have made at college, the person I am now is a completely different person than the person I was in high school. You could say that moving to college killed the anti-social part of me, and joining my fraternity and making new friends put the final nails in his coffin. Two years ago I was lonely and afraid. This summer I've had friends over to my new apartment to come go to the pool and/or party almost every night since my lease started. Life is good :)[/hide]

I love you for all that.

I am pretty much trying to deal with the same thing, approach anxiety. Every now and then I see a nice girl, and I know I should go to her and say something, but the thing is: I have no clue what to say. I refuse to use any of those standard pick-up lines, as I like to be different. And even when I know what to say, I still can't do it. What's the worst that can happen? That I get turned down, get a no. A no won't kill me. Then why am I affraid to approach her? The idea of getting turned down. Yeah, killer circle. As dumb as it may sound, some advice on 'getting rid of' my approach anxiety would be nice. I'd love to be able to simply walk up to girl, say something, and not be affraid of what she will do/say.

 

Ps: It's not only girls, I even have problem walking up to some guys to ask/say something. If I feel that someone is 'cooler' than I am, not knowing how they will respond to me just scares me, in such a way that I skip the whole idea and forget about it. Usually regretting it later.

 

Edit: I will probably join (an uhm.. Yeah don't know the proper english word for our 'studentenvereniging', guessing it is something like a fraternity) next year (that will be summer 2011, as I can't join their introduction weekend because I have to work), this will probably help, but I'd like to see some change in me this summer. I don't go back to school until september, have to werk pretty much every day this summer (at a place with pretty much no human interaction, other than my colleagues), so talking to different people that way probably won't be an option. Did join the local wakeboarders/waterskiiers, so I can have some fun and meet new people at the same time.

 

Pps: If there's anything wrong in what I typed, please tell me. English is not my mother language :)

[Lenticular_J]

That's why you should realize that there's a very tiny portion of the population that isn't afraid of approaching (or being approached by) strangers. So many people carry the fear of strangers ingrained in them as children into their adulthood that they can barely function. It's a shame.

 

You just have to start talking to people. Especially if they look interesting. Compliments are the easiest way to make quick friends - genuine, creative ones. Or complimentary questions. See a very well-dressed man? Ask him where he gets his clothes, about his tailor, barber, whatever. See a woman reading a book? Probably leave her alone unless she appears a bit restless or not that into her book. But if she seems open to conversation, start it up!

 

Pick up lines, no, don't use them. A simple hi and compliment is all you need. The routines and openers and all that [cabbage] that the pickup artist community clings to is falling apart to a degree in favor of being an adult and a man. Knowing the logic behind them is a sound experiment in psychology for you, which will help you with other people greatly. As will studying body language.

 

Pickup lines are better used with people you already know anyways. Most people who try to be funny upon first meeting someone crash and burn spectacularly.

 

Also, your english is fantastic.

[Maleficus1055]

Hmm, i'm not sure how i'm feeling right now. My girlfriend broke up 2 days ago and i;m having like, massive mood swings. I'll be feeling okay even happy, then something really stupid will happen like yesterday, I just saw a status update on facebook and seeing her name brought it all back to me and I broke down crying.

The hardest part about this is that she is perfectly happy without me while i'm heartbroken.

 

Yet at this same time i've got an interesting feeling. I've been talking to 3 of my close friends to help me get over her. 2 of them its just like normal talking, but with the third, I feel an attraction to her. It's enough to safely say that I like her. I obviously won't try anything though, until I get over my ex and get a better grip on things.

[rangeor]

I suppose I'm a bit confused now. I always thought fraternities were just groups of underachievers that partied and got wasted every day and failed college because they goof off instead of actually studying. After a little bit of research it looks like this is just a stereotype, but would anyone mind explaining what fraternities are actually like?

[Giordano]

From what I understand, they're like honor societies. Maybe the "unofficial" ones (not recognized by the school) are a bunch of lazy bums, but the official ones are well respected.

[Lenticular_J]

Most American fraternities are rich douche bags who go after women with low self-esteem and will remain at college for many years due to failing - but their daddy's money will pay for it. A frat boy is something you do not want to be. I have a feeling the fraternity he was speaking of wasn't exactly like this. Frat boys found things like Bros Icing Bros and have totally rad times in Cancun during Spring Break. Their typical uniform is a cheap, bright t-shirt they got from some crappy tourist shop (bonus points if arm holes enlarged to make room for THE GUNS), lots of pooka shells, flip flops, hats turned backwards, and Oakley sunglasses worn [bleep]ing everywhere.

 

My school has more wannabe frat boys than I've ever seen. And Texas Tech has so, so many fraternities and sororities. The majority of which are recognized due to alumni contributions to the school. AKA, fraternities are where those who give the school a [cabbage] ton of money are occasionally given special privileges.

 

Now, respectable ones are another matter. But stereotypes are fairly often true about frat boys, although if you talk to them alone, they're usually cooler than with a group of like-minded bros.

 

But there is nothing wrong with attending a frat party. Keggers can be annoying very easily, but after a few beer bongs you'll realize that a totally rad time in Cancun is so totally you.

 

Haha, I'm on a roll of [bleep]ishness today.

[muggiwhplar]

Most American fraternities are rich douche bags who go after women with low self-esteem and will remain at college for many years due to failing - but their daddy's money will pay for it. A frat boy is something you do not want to be. I have a feeling the fraternity he was speaking of wasn't exactly like this. Frat boys found things like Bros Icing Bros and have totally rad times in Cancun during Spring Break. Their typical uniform is a cheap, bright t-shirt they got from some crappy tourist shop (bonus points if arm holes enlarged to make room for THE GUNS), lots of pooka shells, flip flops, hats turned backwards, and Oakley sunglasses worn [bleep]ing everywhere.

 

My school has more wannabe frat boys than I've ever seen. And Texas Tech has so, so many fraternities and sororities. The majority of which are recognized due to alumni contributions to the school. AKA, fraternities are where those who give the school a [cabbage] ton of money are occasionally given special privileges.

 

Now, respectable ones are another matter. But stereotypes are fairly often true about frat boys, although if you talk to them alone, they're usually cooler than with a group of like-minded bros.

 

But there is nothing wrong with attending a frat party. Keggers can be annoying very easily, but after a few beer bongs you'll realize that a totally rad time in Cancun is so totally you.

 

Haha, I'm on a roll of [bleep]ishness today.

 

Indeed. My fraternity is the only one on campus that doesn't haze. If you join any other frat on campus your first semester will be a living hell. Unless being forced to chug a litre of hard alcohol within 2 hours while watching gay porn is your idea of a good time, don't join a fraternity until you're sure that you won't get hazed and the guys are the kind of people you'd want to be friends with for the rest of your life.

 

I forgot to mention in my previous post that I've also got a job on campus cashiering. Basically it forced me to interact with dozens (sometimes hundreds) of strangers daily (a ton of them are really attractive girls :D). That really took away the fear of talking to strangers.

[Lenticular_J]

Some of my friends go to Texas Tech, and they and I would go to the one spot on campus that was usually open at midnight or sometimes a little later - we knew all the cashiers. They had the same ones every time we went, it was hilarious. Really good guys.

 

But yeah, like he said, any service type job forces you to interact with people. Hopefully if you go into waitering or something you don't find too many people who are [bleep]s just because you have to serve them. I'm lucky enough that I've realized how important tipping is, especially if you intend to be a "regular" someplace. Money is the grease to the world's engine.

[Adam007]

Fraternities can vary so much, it's not very fair to generalize them. I'm in one that I helped found as a freshman at Umich and it's been an all around amazing experience and I've made 10-15 life long friends from it. It really depends on the school what type of reputation fraternities get.